MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone keeps saying this happens every year (even OP says that later on) but that's wrong. OP clearly says they switch off years, so OP, it's not 7 years that this has been going on - it's been 3 (this is the 4th year, I'm assuming). And, by you arguing that this happens EVERY YEAR, yet you don't go every other year, are you being the one that finally stands up to MIL on behalf of everyone else?

Oh, and how will your schedule work when it's your turn to host MIL, but your Aunt's turn to host on your side of the family, and it's your family's turn? you can't host and bring both sides together because you'd be taking away from your Aunt's hosting turn. And if you don't host when it's your turn, all your plans kind of lose meaning because you clearly don't care enough to skip your side's turn, right?

I really don't see how you're not getting this, but let me break it down for you. There are four major holidays a year; half of those are with OP's family, half with DH's family. So, for the sake of all this making sense, let's pretend that every year it's Thanksgiving and Easter with DH's family.

In seven years of marriage--14 possible holidays--MIL has only allowed anyone other than MIL herself to host one holiday: an Easter at OP's house because OP had a pregnancy issue. One out of 14 hosting opportunities went to DH/OP, thirteen hosting opportunities went to MIL.

And apparently, OP/DH and BIL/DIL have made it clear that they actively want to host more holidays, for numerous reasons: traveling with kids, more room for travelers, various work and sports schedules, wanting to make special memories in their own homes, and wanting to cook/use their nice holiday stuff. And apparently, MIL has ignored these requests and has held her ground and yes, a monopoly on holiday hosting.

And yes, even though OP/DH do get to occasionaly host the other side of the family, they should get to make holiday memories in their home with DH's family, too, if that's something the majority of the family is interested in, which clearly is the case.

So, yeah. It's time to share hosting privledges with people who want to host! It's not just about MIL and what MIL wants and what has been done up until now. The times, they are a-changin'. And I personally don't think there is anything wrong with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this situation did not involve a mother in law and daughter in law, would people feel the same way about how this was handled?

In the earlier example, how would people feel if your neighbors the Smiths, who had attended the Green family's party every year for many years, invited people seven months ahead of time to a party for St, Patrick's day when they were well aware that the Greens, the family that has held this party for about ten years, is still planning to have it?

Would you feel that the Smiths were for some reason trying to "steal" the party from the Greens?

Would you think the Green family would have a right to be upset that their whole guest list was invited to someone else's house for a party they had intended to give?

Would you feel that neighborhood tradition counts for something and be on the side of the Green family?

Or would you think that someone new should get to have the party?

What if the Smiths had a bigger house and nicer linens, china, and silver? Does that give them the upper hand for having the party at their house?

I'm just curious about how people feel about a situation like this when you take away the mother and daughter in law dynamic. (And something similar to the above actually happened in my neighborhood, so I have an idea about how people reacted in real life.)

Except this doesn't hold up as a good example. Why?

- Because St. Patrick's Day isn't a meaningful holiday for most people.
-Because St. Pat's isn't a day traditionally spent with family.
-Because, logistically speaking, St. Pat's Day does not = time off work, time off school, time off from sports events and other obligations; the world doesn't "stop" for St. Pat's Day, so it's not a good opportunity to travel to see family.
-Because St. Pat's Day isn't typically celebrated in a home-with-family environment.
-Because St. Pat's Day doesn't typically involve overnight guests and the "prime time hosting opportunity" that Thanksgiving presents (best food, best dishes, chance to pull out all the stops and use your good stuff)

But even if we worked with your scenario, sorry, I just don't think the Greens own St. Patrick's Day. Would a heads-up phone call be nice (like the one DH gave to his mother)? Yes. But the Greens don't own that holiday. People can decide to go where they want to go.

I don't think OP even mentioned her bigger house except in the context that it is more comfortable for the overnight guests, which--as kids get bigger--we all know is a factor. And even that was a response to a question, not offered up as "SEE, I should host."

The point of the hypothetical above is to take out the family context of the situation. And I picked St. Patrick's day as sort of a silly holiday name to use for the sake of the hypothetical.

Dont get caught up in comparing it to OP's situation, just think how a group of neighbors might react to this situation.

Well, let's say that, for YEARS, other people have expressed interest in hosting, and--for demonstrable logistical reasons, like travel and overnight stays and time off work and kids. And let's say that, despite all of these requests and reasons, the Greens have not been willing to part with being the hosts. What then?

Then, when the Greens receive a private call and a direct request from the Smiths to step down for one lousy year and let someone else take a turn, the only reasonable option is for them to be gracious about it.

I hadn't seen it mentioned before that the OP had been asking for many years to have Thanksgiving at her house. New details keep being added. When OP and husband asked for many years and his mother still wanted to have a Thanksgiving dinner at her house, that made it clear that it was still important to her and that she can still handle the work.

The OP does seem to resent her husband's mother. And for whatever reason, the husband doesn't seem mind taking an action that might hurt his mother. You all should have just stayed home for Thanksgiving. You're right that 2 1/2- 3 hours is too long to travel for a dinner. You could have said that it is too long of a trip, but you didn't have to preemptively invite the people you knew usually went to your husband's mother's home for the meal. That is the part that was hurtful to your husband's mother.

It likely won't be all that many years before it is too much work for the mom to do the dinner- that would have been the kinder time to offer to take over. At that point, you could be the generous daughter in law offering to have the family over instead this situation where it looks as though you are trying to take control by inviting people many months ahead of time.

You sound like a butt-hurt MIL. When you marry, and especially when you have kids, you have a new family and start your own traditions. Plan your traditions with the expectation that your children may not always participate. People with young children should have first right of refusal for hosting.

Haha, nowhere near!

Actually, I think it's crazy for anyone with kids to be driving close to three hours for holidays and I don't get why people don't just celebrate with their own nuclear family if they don't live within 45 minutes or so of people. We move around a lot and we mainly only spend holidays with family if we're living close by. More than about an hour, and we celebrate on our own.

That's why I suggested that they stay home. They seem to be the ones who live farther away, so they can have a nice cozy day at home. My spouse and I both come from military families, so we don't have anyone who has crazy expectations that everyone needs to be together for every holiday. My spouse and kids and I enjoy each other's company and we have our own traditions for ourselves.

NP. My family was spread out, but I'm very glad my parents didn't think more than 45 minutes wasn't worth it--my cousins are among my best friends to this day. I can't imagine not wanting your children to spend time with their cousins, aunts, uncles, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone keeps saying this happens every year (even OP says that later on) but that's wrong. OP clearly says they switch off years, so OP, it's not 7 years that this has been going on - it's been 3 (this is the 4th year, I'm assuming). And, by you arguing that this happens EVERY YEAR, yet you don't go every other year, are you being the one that finally stands up to MIL on behalf of everyone else?

Oh, and how will your schedule work when it's your turn to host MIL, but your Aunt's turn to host on your side of the family, and it's your family's turn? you can't host and bring both sides together because you'd be taking away from your Aunt's hosting turn. And if you don't host when it's your turn, all your plans kind of lose meaning because you clearly don't care enough to skip your side's turn, right?

I really don't see how you're not getting this, but let me break it down for you. There are four major holidays a year; half of those are with OP's family, half with DH's family. So, for the sake of all this making sense, let's pretend that every year it's Thanksgiving and Easter with DH's family.

In seven years of marriage--14 possible holidays--MIL has only allowed anyone other than MIL herself to host one holiday: an Easter at OP's house because OP had a pregnancy issue. One out of 14 hosting opportunities went to DH/OP, thirteen hosting opportunities went to MIL.

And apparently, OP/DH and BIL/DIL have made it clear that they actively want to host more holidays, for numerous reasons: traveling with kids, more room for travelers, various work and sports schedules, wanting to make special memories in their own homes, and wanting to cook/use their nice holiday stuff. And apparently, MIL has ignored these requests and has held her ground and yes, a monopoly on holiday hosting.

And yes, even though OP/DH do get to occasionaly host the other side of the family, they should get to make holiday memories in their home with DH's family, too, if that's something the majority of the family is interested in, which clearly is the case.

So, yeah. It's time to share hosting privledges with people who want to host! It's not just about MIL and what MIL wants and what has been done up until now. The times, they are a-changin'. And I personally don't think there is anything wrong with that.

Let me tell you the true story: everyone is happy with this arrangement, except OP, who wants the chance to show off her crystal and china, so she decided to pre-empt her MIL by sending out Thanksgiving invites in APRIL. The end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone keeps saying this happens every year (even OP says that later on) but that's wrong. OP clearly says they switch off years, so OP, it's not 7 years that this has been going on - it's been 3 (this is the 4th year, I'm assuming). And, by you arguing that this happens EVERY YEAR, yet you don't go every other year, are you being the one that finally stands up to MIL on behalf of everyone else?

Oh, and how will your schedule work when it's your turn to host MIL, but your Aunt's turn to host on your side of the family, and it's your family's turn? you can't host and bring both sides together because you'd be taking away from your Aunt's hosting turn. And if you don't host when it's your turn, all your plans kind of lose meaning because you clearly don't care enough to skip your side's turn, right?

I really don't see how you're not getting this, but let me break it down for you. There are four major holidays a year; half of those are with OP's family, half with DH's family. So, for the sake of all this making sense, let's pretend that every year it's Thanksgiving and Easter with DH's family.

In seven years of marriage--14 possible holidays--MIL has only allowed anyone other than MIL herself to host one holiday: an Easter at OP's house because OP had a pregnancy issue. One out of 14 hosting opportunities went to DH/OP, thirteen hosting opportunities went to MIL.

And apparently, OP/DH and BIL/DIL have made it clear that they actively want to host more holidays, for numerous reasons: traveling with kids, more room for travelers, various work and sports schedules, wanting to make special memories in their own homes, and wanting to cook/use their nice holiday stuff. And apparently, MIL has ignored these requests and has held her ground and yes, a monopoly on holiday hosting.

And yes, even though OP/DH do get to occasionaly host the other side of the family, they should get to make holiday memories in their home with DH's family, too, if that's something the majority of the family is interested in, which clearly is the case.

So, yeah. It's time to share hosting privledges with people who want to host! It's not just about MIL and what MIL wants and what has been done up until now. The times, they are a-changin'. And I personally don't think there is anything wrong with that.

Let me tell you the true story: everyone is happy with this arrangement, except OP, who wants the chance to show off her crystal and china, so she decided to pre-empt her MIL by sending out Thanksgiving invites in APRIL. The end.

Actually, plenty of us thinks the story goes like this: After years of wanting to share hosting and holiday experiences at different family homes, and actively expressing those wishes to a stubborn and unyielding MIL, OP and her DH have decided that hints and resignation is not working for them, so they're doing what they want to do. I'm happy that they will get to make new traditions and memories and help BIL and SIL host in the future, too. Holidays are meant to be shared, not ruled as MIL has for the past 7 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this situation did not involve a mother in law and daughter in law, would people feel the same way about how this was handled?

In the earlier example, how would people feel if your neighbors the Smiths, who had attended the Green family's party every year for many years, invited people seven months ahead of time to a party for St, Patrick's day when they were well aware that the Greens, the family that has held this party for about ten years, is still planning to have it?

Would you feel that the Smiths were for some reason trying to "steal" the party from the Greens?

Would you think the Green family would have a right to be upset that their whole guest list was invited to someone else's house for a party they had intended to give?

Would you feel that neighborhood tradition counts for something and be on the side of the Green family?

Or would you think that someone new should get to have the party?

What if the Smiths had a bigger house and nicer linens, china, and silver? Does that give them the upper hand for having the party at their house?

I'm just curious about how people feel about a situation like this when you take away the mother and daughter in law dynamic. (And something similar to the above actually happened in my neighborhood, so I have an idea about how people reacted in real life.)

Except this doesn't hold up as a good example. Why?

- Because St. Patrick's Day isn't a meaningful holiday for most people.
-Because St. Pat's isn't a day traditionally spent with family.
-Because, logistically speaking, St. Pat's Day does not = time off work, time off school, time off from sports events and other obligations; the world doesn't "stop" for St. Pat's Day, so it's not a good opportunity to travel to see family.
-Because St. Pat's Day isn't typically celebrated in a home-with-family environment.
-Because St. Pat's Day doesn't typically involve overnight guests and the "prime time hosting opportunity" that Thanksgiving presents (best food, best dishes, chance to pull out all the stops and use your good stuff)

But even if we worked with your scenario, sorry, I just don't think the Greens own St. Patrick's Day. Would a heads-up phone call be nice (like the one DH gave to his mother)? Yes. But the Greens don't own that holiday. People can decide to go where they want to go.

I don't think OP even mentioned her bigger house except in the context that it is more comfortable for the overnight guests, which--as kids get bigger--we all know is a factor. And even that was a response to a question, not offered up as "SEE, I should host."

The point of the hypothetical above is to take out the family context of the situation. And I picked St. Patrick's day as sort of a silly holiday name to use for the sake of the hypothetical.

Dont get caught up in comparing it to OP's situation, just think how a group of neighbors might react to this situation.

Well, let's say that, for YEARS, other people have expressed interest in hosting, and--for demonstrable logistical reasons, like travel and overnight stays and time off work and kids. And let's say that, despite all of these requests and reasons, the Greens have not been willing to part with being the hosts. What then?

Then, when the Greens receive a private call and a direct request from the Smiths to step down for one lousy year and let someone else take a turn, the only reasonable option is for them to be gracious about it.

I hadn't seen it mentioned before that the OP had been asking for many years to have Thanksgiving at her house. New details keep being added. When OP and husband asked for many years and his mother still wanted to have a Thanksgiving dinner at her house, that made it clear that it was still important to her and that she can still handle the work.

The OP does seem to resent her husband's mother. And for whatever reason, the husband doesn't seem mind taking an action that might hurt his mother. You all should have just stayed home for Thanksgiving. You're right that 2 1/2- 3 hours is too long to travel for a dinner. You could have said that it is too long of a trip, but you didn't have to preemptively invite the people you knew usually went to your husband's mother's home for the meal. That is the part that was hurtful to your husband's mother.

It likely won't be all that many years before it is too much work for the mom to do the dinner- that would have been the kinder time to offer to take over. At that point, you could be the generous daughter in law offering to have the family over instead this situation where it looks as though you are trying to take control by inviting people many months ahead of time.

You sound like a butt-hurt MIL. When you marry, and especially when you have kids, you have a new family and start your own traditions. Plan your traditions with the expectation that your children may not always participate. People with young children should have first right of refusal for hosting.

Haha, nowhere near!

Actually, I think it's crazy for anyone with kids to be driving close to three hours for holidays and I don't get why people don't just celebrate with their own nuclear family if they don't live within 45 minutes or so of people. We move around a lot and we mainly only spend holidays with family if we're living close by. More than about an hour, and we celebrate on our own.

That's why I suggested that they stay home. They seem to be the ones who live farther away, so they can have a nice cozy day at home. My spouse and I both come from military families, so we don't have anyone who has crazy expectations that everyone needs to be together for every holiday. My spouse and kids and I enjoy each other's company and we have our own traditions for ourselves.

NP. My family was spread out, but I'm very glad my parents didn't think more than 45 minutes wasn't worth it--my cousins are among my best friends to this day. I can't imagine not wanting your children to spend time with their cousins, aunts, uncles, etc.

It's not about never spending time with family, it's about not feeling an obligation to spend every single holiday with extended family, especially when it is a huge hassle. Sometimes it's good for the nuclear family to spend a holiday or two by themselves and make their own memories together.

When holidays have turned into "hosting opportunities" that family members are arguing over, maybe it's time to step back and spend some time together as a family. Take a break from all the drama and use the good linen and china for your own spouse and kids and just be with each other.

There's no law that people have to spend every single holiday with one side of the family or the other.

[Anonymous]

Let me tell you the true story: everyone is happy with this arrangement, except OP, who wants the chance to show off her crystal and china, so she decided to pre-empt her MIL by sending out Thanksgiving invites in APRIL. The end

Yes. The sending out of the invitations in April was the sign that this is all about making a statement and being the person in charge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Let me tell you the true story: everyone is happy with this arrangement, except OP, who wants the chance to show off her crystal and china, so she decided to pre-empt her MIL by sending out Thanksgiving invites in APRIL. The end

Yes. The sending out of the invitations in April was the sign that this is all about making a statement and being the person in charge.

And what is not letting anyone else host for seven years a sign of?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Let me tell you the true story: everyone is happy with this arrangement, except OP, who wants the chance to show off her crystal and china, so she decided to pre-empt her MIL by sending out Thanksgiving invites in APRIL. The end

Yes. The sending out of the invitations in April was the sign that this is all about making a statement and being the person in charge.

The OP said that MIL started talking at Easter about Thanksgiving plans! The MIL knew OP had mentioned hosting this year and she was preemptively trying to prevent OP from hosting by getting the other guests to sign on to her dinner.

[Anonymous]

Well I for one am delighted not to host TG this year. MIL and SIL (her daughter) are politely disputing who gets to host. But either way, not me thank goodness! SIL wants to show off her ginormous new McMansion, but I could not care less. More power to her. I will be watching the parade in my PJ’s and show up wth my side dish at the appointed hour.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well I for one am delighted not to host TG this year. MIL and SIL (her daughter) are politely disputing who gets to host. But either way, not me thank goodness! SIL wants to show off her ginormous new McMansion, but I could not care less. More power to her. I will be watching the parade in my PJ’s and show up wth my side dish at the appointed hour.

1) Why do you think SIL "wants to show off her McMansion"? Why does wanting to host = "I want you to be jealous of my house" vs. "I would love to host you and share hospitality and good cheer with you"?

2) Even if SIL is excited about her new home--isn't that a good thing? Doesn't that make sense? Isn't it nice that she wants family to be part of that big moment in her life, a new home that she loves?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Let me tell you the true story: everyone is happy with this arrangement, except OP, who wants the chance to show off her crystal and china, so she decided to pre-empt her MIL by sending out Thanksgiving invites in APRIL. The end

Yes. The sending out of the invitations in April was the sign that this is all about making a statement and being the person in charge.

DP. I don’t think the timing is that weird. My family does it about a year in advance. Although we do have some folks that are much farther away.

[Anonymous]

^^^^Rest assured that any home larger than OP's owned by SIL will be a "McMansion," and any hosting done by SIL is going to only ever be seen as "showing off" by SIL.

SMH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well I for one am delighted not to host TG this year. MIL and SIL (her daughter) are politely disputing who gets to host. But either way, not me thank goodness! SIL wants to show off her ginormous new McMansion, but I could not care less. More power to her. I will be watching the parade in my PJ’s and show up wth my side dish at the appointed hour.

1) Why do you think SIL "wants to show off her McMansion"? Why does wanting to host = "I want you to be jealous of my house" vs. "I would love to host you and share hospitality and good cheer with you"?

2) Even if SIL is excited about her new home--isn't that a good thing? Doesn't that make sense? Isn't it nice that she wants family to be part of that big moment in her life, a new home that she loves?

Because she literally NEVER wanted to host before this even though her previous home still had plenty of room. Like I said, I don’t mind, as long as I don’t have to cook. She can duke it out with her mom who is not ready to give up hosting. They tried to pull DH and I into the fight and we said “just tell us where to be and when, and what we should bring. The rest is between you two.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Let me tell you the true story: everyone is happy with this arrangement, except OP, who wants the chance to show off her crystal and china, so she decided to pre-empt her MIL by sending out Thanksgiving invites in APRIL. The end

Yes. The sending out of the invitations in April was the sign that this is all about making a statement and being the person in charge.

DP. I don’t think the timing is that weird. My family does it about a year in advance. Although we do have some folks that are much farther away.

+1. We book and plan all of our major holidays around January in my family. We know in advance who will host and where and which family's turn it is.

[Anonymous]

I'm shocked at how many families can't have reasonable conversations about holidays and make such a big deal about things. If we want to host Thanksgiving, we just tell the family that we'd love to host this year, ask about any conflicts or issues (if so, those are raised politely) and then we make a decision. No drama.