MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

I know, I know...this is way far out, but the point was my husband and I wanted to communicate our desire to host Thanksgiving early, in order to give MIL and others time to process and consider and make plans.

DH and I have been married for seven years. We alternate spending holidays with our families, and my parents have been great about "letting" us host a few of those holidays. MIL has never once "let" us host Thanksgiving or Christmas. We've hosted Easter once, and I think we did a great job. But I really want to host my ILs for Thanksgiving, for ONCE, and DH does, too. We're both good cooks, and like having people over, and we want to use all of our crystal and china, etc.

So we thought we did everything right to make this happen this year. We sat down in January and thought about how we want to spend each milestone and holiday this year. We both agreed we want to host Thanksgiving, and it's his family's "turn" with us for that holiday. So he called his mom a few days after Easter to extend a very early invitation so that she could get used to the idea, etc.

Well, she was noncommittal on the phone, but now sent us a very long email about why she needs to host. The main reason is that she invites friends of theirs every year (a 60-something couple), and doesn't want to leave them in the lurch. We said they'd be more than welcome here; it's only about a 2.5-hour drive, and they are healthy and active (from as far as we can tell), so it's not an unreasonable day trip. We even said we'd serve dinner early so they could get on the road while it is still light out. But no, that just wouldn't be convenient, that's not tradition, blah blah blah.

I'm so frustrated. I know there's plenty of time for the dust to settle, but right now she's saying she "doesn't think they can make it." Is there anything we can do, beyond giving them space and time and leaving the invite open?

[Anonymous]

It's completely your right to want to host and to extend am invitation. It's up to your in laws to accept or decline that invitation.

Stay firm, breezy and drama-free either way. If they choose not to come, their loss. Host your party anyway.

[Anonymous]

Put your foot down and say “I am sorry, I hope you change your mind. The invitation stands!”

[Anonymous]

No, nothing you can do. You can host thanksgiving but you cannot force particular people to be your guests. If I were this couple, I couldn’t imagine traveling hours to visit the children of my friends, so I get that part. Maybe you can celebrate thanksgiving on a different day and have the. Come. China, etc. can be used anytime. My family is very flexible about when we celebrate occasions due to conflicting priorities, in-laws, etc and we think it’s more important to be together than that it be on a particular day. We did “thanksgiving” in early December and exchanged Christmas gifts in early Jan. It was all good.

[Anonymous]

Is it just his parents? Who else is invited?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's completely your right to want to host and to extend am invitation. It's up to your in laws to accept or decline that invitation.

Stay firm, breezy and drama-free either way. If they choose not to come, their loss. Host your party anyway.

This times 1000. Just as you have every right to host, they have every right to decline. “Oh I’m sorry you won’t be able to make it.” Then invite friends over for a fabulous Thanksgiving.

Stop being “frustrated.” You can’t control others. It’s wasted energy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Put your foot down and say “I am sorry, I hope you change your mind. The invitation stands!”

This. You can still host. You cannot make people attend.

[Anonymous]

I can totally understand their reasoning as someone who has celebrated Thanksgiving with close friends for years. Such a dynamic can become a tradition as much as time shared with family.

If they can’t make it, and you still want to host, open the invite up to your own close friends who may have found themselves without relatives on the holiday. You can also invite your parents or other relatives even if it’s not their “year.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it just his parents? Who else is invited?

OP here. I should have mentioned—BIL and his wife and two kids are coming and staying overnight. DH’s single cousin is coming, he can bring friends if he wants. DH aunt and uncle also coming. DH’s parents could also stay overnight with us if they choose to. We also have 2 kids.

[Anonymous]

Whoa OP—your post title says that your MIL is “mad.” You’ve provided no evidence. Sounds like she’s come up with many reasons as to why she can’t come, but nowhere does it say she is “mad.”

You’re being a drama queen and trying to control everything. Your MIL hasn’t responded the way you wanted, you’ve decided to make her out as the b*tch who is mad about Thanksgiving in April. Not cool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it just his parents? Who else is invited?

OP here. I should have mentioned—BIL and his wife and two kids are coming and staying overnight. DH’s single cousin is coming, he can bring friends if he wants. DH aunt and uncle also coming. DH’s parents could also stay overnight with us if they choose to. We also have 2 kids.

Great. Sounds like a lovely Thanksgiving with a full house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, nothing you can do. You can host thanksgiving but you cannot force particular people to be your guests. If I were this couple, I couldn’t imagine traveling hours to visit the children of my friends, so I get that part. Maybe you can celebrate thanksgiving on a different day and have the. Come. China, etc. can be used anytime. My family is very flexible about when we celebrate occasions due to conflicting priorities, in-laws, etc and we think it’s more important to be together than that it be on a particular day. We did “thanksgiving” in early December and exchanged Christmas gifts in early Jan. It was all good.

Or...the ILs can host their friends for a special dinner on another day, and spend Thanksgiving day with their family!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whoa OP—your post title says that your MIL is “mad.” You’ve provided no evidence. Sounds like she’s come up with many reasons as to why she can’t come, but nowhere does it say she is “mad.”

You’re being a drama queen and trying to control everything. Your MIL hasn’t responded the way you wanted, you’ve decided to make her out as the b*tch who is mad about Thanksgiving in April. Not cool.

What, you want me to post her email? You want to be on speakerphone for the calls? She gossiped to my BIL’s wife about it, and she told us and used the word mad. Luckily, she gets where we’re coming from, as she has been married for five years and hasn’t hosted any major holiday with us!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's completely your right to want to host and to extend am invitation. It's up to your in laws to accept or decline that invitation.

Stay firm, breezy and drama-free either way. If they choose not to come, their loss. Host your party anyway.

This, OP.

[Anonymous]

Team MIL on this one. She is doing the right thing in not leaving her friends in the lurch. They have their plans, you can have yours. Everyone wins!

I think you are being unfair to think the MIL should ditch her friends and I think you are making too big a deal about MIL coming to yours. You've got a bunch of guests and lots of enthusiasm. Enjoy your T day and let MIL enjoy hers!