At what point does a favor become a burden?

[Anonymous]

OP,

I sense what has been grating is the lack of gratitude, i.e. the sense that they feel that they are going through such a hard time that everyone else should be willing to pitch in and help.

I don't know if you and/or your neighbors are Millennials, but I've found that attitude very common among that generation -- and among the later X-ers.

While it's kind of you to help, it's not an obligation.

I would, as one of the other moms suggested, let your neighbors know that you need your morning time back.

[Anonymous]

people drive two blocks to a bus stop?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You choose to have more kids/twin you need to deal with it. A few weeks is generous. You are not their back up plan. I would email and say you were happy to help but its getting difficult with your morning schedule and you need her to drop off child at your home if she wants you to continue.

0% of people with twins CHOOSE to have twins. FFS.

that isn't true at all. Every twin mom I know did it through IVF and wanted twins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This post and the responses stuck with me last night. I don’t understand why everyone jumped to camps where either the OP or the twin mom is an awful person. The cynicism and judgement is saddening.

It absolutely is a burden to spend an extra 10 minutes every morning helping out another family for several weeks. Tougher still if the OP doesn’t feel any gratitude or close relationship with the other family.

But I can honestly say that it would be an honor if I were in a position make that small sacrifice to help a neighbor out. Especially if that neighbor is recovering from a c-section or otherwise struggling in the weeks after birth. I’d go to bed sleeping better because I had an easy opportunity to do something nice for someone every day. Every morning already you’ve improved someone’s day - that’s awesome!

As a result of this post and the responses, DH and I talked for while last night about how isolated families are and how hard it is to ask for or receive support. We’re going to look for more ways to proactively volunteer to help our neighbors or the families of our kid’s classmates. We both work full time and struggle with the usual time-money-energy balances, but we have yet to regret any of the small ways we’ve extended ourselves in the past.

barf.

Gold star for you, PP. except, you know, you haven't done jack sh*t, and no where near what Op has already done for Twin Mom, but you've already claimed credit. Gag me with a spoon.

[Anonymous]

Op - know your own mind. And act on it. If you need a selfness reason, consider it practice for raising the next generation.

[Anonymous]

Mom of twins here. I am shocked at how so many jumping on OP calling her selfish. YES twins are hard - but so is a singleton. Helping out for the first few weeks was tremendously kind of you but this family imposing on your for 10 weeks with no end in sight is crazy!!!! No way would I be giving away those 10 minutes almost 3 months in with out a great deal of resentment. What that time would be taking away from my family is huge. It is not just '10 minutes' it is the very short amount of time I have with my kids before we all head off to our days. It takes away from our ability to talk, time I can't get a sense of what is going on with my kids - just time that my kids know they have my attention 100%. This family - if they really need help - should be reaching out to others - not just dropping this all on you. Twins are at times more than double the work but I (like most people now) choose to have twins but even if they ended up with spontaneous identical quadruplets YOU have done way more than anyone should expect you to and all those decrying the ONLY 10 minutes can pass on their names to this family and step in for you. OP - I know it may be awkward to end as being direct may be met at this point by this obviously entitled family so to end it - change up your life where you need to stop in a visit you parents/stop by work/have to drop off stuff and say - I can't do this past X date. So glad I was able to help these last 3 dang months but no can do anymore. How they take the end of this entitlement is their business - but you owe them nothing - though they owe you a huge thanks! Again - I had twins and know its hard but that is not any one else's responsibility to step in for

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post and the responses stuck with me last night. I don’t understand why everyone jumped to camps where either the OP or the twin mom is an awful person. The cynicism and judgement is saddening.

It absolutely is a burden to spend an extra 10 minutes every morning helping out another family for several weeks. Tougher still if the OP doesn’t feel any gratitude or close relationship with the other family.

But I can honestly say that it would be an honor if I were in a position make that small sacrifice to help a neighbor out. Especially if that neighbor is recovering from a c-section or otherwise struggling in the weeks after birth. I’d go to bed sleeping better because I had an easy opportunity to do something nice for someone every day. Every morning already you’ve improved someone’s day - that’s awesome!

As a result of this post and the responses, DH and I talked for while last night about how isolated families are and how hard it is to ask for or receive support. We’re going to look for more ways to proactively volunteer to help our neighbors or the families of our kid’s classmates. We both work full time and struggle with the usual time-money-energy balances, but we have yet to regret any of the small ways we’ve extended ourselves in the past.

barf.

Gold star for you, PP. except, you know, you haven't done jack sh*t, and no where near what Op has already done for Twin Mom, but you've already claimed credit. Gag me with a spoon.

Wow, you sound like you’re still hung over from the weekend. Or this morning.

[Anonymous]

OP - why don't the neighbor's kids walk to your house? You said it's only two blocks. That way you don't have to spend any extra time, just meet them outside the house and let them get into the car along with your kids. Why do you need to drive to the twin mom's house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post and the responses stuck with me last night. I don’t understand why everyone jumped to camps where either the OP or the twin mom is an awful person. The cynicism and judgement is saddening.

It absolutely is a burden to spend an extra 10 minutes every morning helping out another family for several weeks. Tougher still if the OP doesn’t feel any gratitude or close relationship with the other family.

But I can honestly say that it would be an honor if I were in a position make that small sacrifice to help a neighbor out. Especially if that neighbor is recovering from a c-section or otherwise struggling in the weeks after birth. I’d go to bed sleeping better because I had an easy opportunity to do something nice for someone every day. Every morning already you’ve improved someone’s day - that’s awesome!

As a result of this post and the responses, DH and I talked for while last night about how isolated families are and how hard it is to ask for or receive support. We’re going to look for more ways to proactively volunteer to help our neighbors or the families of our kid’s classmates. We both work full time and struggle with the usual time-money-energy balances, but we have yet to regret any of the small ways we’ve extended ourselves in the past.

It would be an honor to learn about your experience doing this in a month or so, if as a service to this online community you come back and share how it went for you and DH: what you end up doing as volunteering service to your neighbors, how frequently (shooting for daily, right?), how long it takes, what you sacrifice in order to be able to do it (sleep? time with your own children? anything else?) In addition, would be interested to know what situation you are coming from with such generosity: do you have a full time job? Is it flexible, or rigid in terms of starting and ending hours, how many kids do you have and whether there is any household help, paid or in the form of family or other people volunteering. Thank you and props to you for leading by example.

LOL! I love it! Yes, PP, please do us this honor! You may inspire others! And please also mention the level of gratitude in your report (no signs of appreciation means a bigger honor for you, right?).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pay a high school kid to walk your kids to bus stop.

In our neighborhood, high schoolers get the bus almost two hours before elementary schoolers! Who's left at home? Other parents of elementary schoolers, like OP.

Your kids your problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should honestly be embarrassed and ashamed.

10 minutes? Really?

Do the right thing.

Does it matter if OP is a SAHM or goes to work? I can barely get myself and 1 child out of the door in the morning. The D.C. areaisn't exactly Mayberry and 10 minutes is huge in the mornings.

[Anonymous]

I have three kids (including an infant) and our entire morning routine from bed to car is 40 minutes. 10 minutes is a lot of carefully-calibrated time, and would be really, really hard for me to accommodate, even if it looks like your kids might just be doing what mine already are. No way would I stress out my kids and cut out what very little time I see them in the mornings for an entire school year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weeks???
With twins?

Have a heart and do it until it starts to warm up again in the Spring, OP.

Omg, do people not know how to warm up their cars and keep them running? Will this woman and children hibernate ALL winter? Surely they travel other places, right?

I hate when people have more kids than they can handle and make it everyone else’s problem. It’s not OPs problem. I had winter babies and they all survived. Bundle them up and turn on the heat.

This. Not OP’s problem. They should have used birth control like the rest of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post and the responses stuck with me last night. I don’t understand why everyone jumped to camps where either the OP or the twin mom is an awful person. The cynicism and judgement is saddening.

It absolutely is a burden to spend an extra 10 minutes every morning helping out another family for several weeks. Tougher still if the OP doesn’t feel any gratitude or close relationship with the other family.

But I can honestly say that it would be an honor if I were in a position make that small sacrifice to help a neighbor out. Especially if that neighbor is recovering from a c-section or otherwise struggling in the weeks after birth. I’d go to bed sleeping better because I had an easy opportunity to do something nice for someone every day. Every morning already you’ve improved someone’s day - that’s awesome!

As a result of this post and the responses, DH and I talked for while last night about how isolated families are and how hard it is to ask for or receive support. We’re going to look for more ways to proactively volunteer to help our neighbors or the families of our kid’s classmates. We both work full time and struggle with the usual time-money-energy balances, but we have yet to regret any of the small ways we’ve extended ourselves in the past.

XOXOXOX

you are wonderful. I hope we’re neighbors. Not because I need something, but because that’s true community. Thank you for sharing your insight and intention.

+1,000,000 We were that family, struggling to juggle a child with a life-threatening illness and an older sib who desperately needed to get out of the house and do an after-school activity. Unfortunately, we couldn't swing transportation. It was just too hard and complicated to get the sick one out. A neighbor two doors down with a child in the class that started right after my kid's offered to pick mine up and bring her home at great inconvenience to her (bringing my kid home and then running back to get hers). At first, I politely declined. Despite knowing and fearing our isolation, I was then, and still am, awful about asking for help. But this woman insisted and so I caved. It was, and still is, the single kindest act anyone has ever done for me and our family. OP, I know it's an inconvenience, but this family is going through a big transition time. And it's not forever. You don't know what's going on behind closed doors or really how hard it is with TWO babies. Some day you may need help, too.

[Anonymous]

OP please come back and let us know what you are going to do.