At what point does a favor become a burden?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post and the responses stuck with me last night. I don’t understand why everyone jumped to camps where either the OP or the twin mom is an awful person. The cynicism and judgement is saddening.

It absolutely is a burden to spend an extra 10 minutes every morning helping out another family for several weeks. Tougher still if the OP doesn’t feel any gratitude or close relationship with the other family.

But I can honestly say that it would be an honor if I were in a position make that small sacrifice to help a neighbor out. Especially if that neighbor is recovering from a c-section or otherwise struggling in the weeks after birth. I’d go to bed sleeping better because I had an easy opportunity to do something nice for someone every day. Every morning already you’ve improved someone’s day - that’s awesome!

As a result of this post and the responses, DH and I talked for while last night about how isolated families are and how hard it is to ask for or receive support. We’re going to look for more ways to proactively volunteer to help our neighbors or the families of our kid’s classmates. We both work full time and struggle with the usual time-money-energy balances, but we have yet to regret any of the small ways we’ve extended ourselves in the past.

barf.

Gold star for you, PP. except, you know, you haven't done jack sh*t, and no where near what Op has already done for Twin Mom, but you've already claimed credit. Gag me with a spoon.

Wow, you sound like you’re still hung over from the weekend. Or this morning.

No, just sick of self-aggrandizement bullsh*tters. She had a discussion with her DH about this? I call BS.

I'm the "spoke to my DH" poster from 9:56 the other day. Yep, actually did. In part because every time we extend ourselves for another family, we do it together. If I'm going to take time from our family to spend time on someone else's, he has to do more childcare. And vice versa. And we discuss unusual purchases with each other. He's a teacher and he calls me when he's thinking about dropping $100 on pizza for his classes or a club he sponsors. Ditto when I want to buy flowers or a present for someone.

Sarcastic "honor" responses aside, we're working on making good on this intention. We've signed up to make postpartum meals for a few friendly acquaintances and offered to help grocery shop for a neighbor with cancer (hope she takes us up on it). We do more for our good friends, but this is about pushing ourselves beyond our own circle. Not too much more just yet, but we'll keep looking for ways to help. I'm sure we'll get more mocking on this post, but we'd honestly love any suggestions. We're contemplating mentoring a refugee family through IRC.

And for that person who wondered about our circumstances.. we have stable family-friendly jobs (he's a teacher with a short commute and I have a technical 8-5 job with 10% travel, an hour commute each way, and rare weekend work), one toddler, and a dog. We pay someone to help clean once a month. Some close family nearby which helps with babysitting maybe quarterly. The fact that my DH does at least half at home really makes the difference so that we collectively have time/energy to give back.

It's wonderful you are so generous with your time. Maybe you can find out where OP is, and if it's close enough you can take responsibility for bringing the neighbor's child to work?

[Anonymous]

What happened with OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP has stated they have multiple kids- not just one child. She is probably doubling the number of children she's getting to the bus stop.

I think OP should tell them that she can only do it for x number of weeks and to please have the children walk over to her house by X:XXam for a prompt departure. If it's in a gated community, surely they can manage that. OP can't afford to be late to a job; if she loses in due to tardiness, perhaps the twin family can support her during her unemployment.

I think she means the older school child and the twins.

Reread her first post:

"We share a bus stop, and they asked if I wouldn’t mind taking their kids to the bus stop with mine “for a few weeks”. Well, it’s been a few weeks and it doesn’t seem they are in any hurry to resume their children’s transportation."

As written, the neighbors have at least two older kids, plus the twins. Now maybe OP changed details to protect anonymity, but as written, there is more than one neighbor child being transported to school.

[Anonymous]

It’s totally weird how much these posts devolve into “teams”, and attributes not inherent in OG posts assigned to respondents or person the poster is interacting with. Even in long posts nuances from real life interactions are left out. To be honest it seems like these longer threads are more a place to bully, or vent your own experiences than help someone sort out an issue. Free for all lord of the flies style is such a bummer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happened with OP?

They prob had the good sense to figure this out, make a new arrangement or pause the extra kid run, and quit reading.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post and the responses stuck with me last night. I don’t understand why everyone jumped to camps where either the OP or the twin mom is an awful person. The cynicism and judgement is saddening.

It absolutely is a burden to spend an extra 10 minutes every morning helping out another family for several weeks. Tougher still if the OP doesn’t feel any gratitude or close relationship with the other family.

But I can honestly say that it would be an honor if I were in a position make that small sacrifice to help a neighbor out. Especially if that neighbor is recovering from a c-section or otherwise struggling in the weeks after birth. I’d go to bed sleeping better because I had an easy opportunity to do something nice for someone every day. Every morning already you’ve improved someone’s day - that’s awesome!

As a result of this post and the responses, DH and I talked for while last night about how isolated families are and how hard it is to ask for or receive support. We’re going to look for more ways to proactively volunteer to help our neighbors or the families of our kid’s classmates. We both work full time and struggle with the usual time-money-energy balances, but we have yet to regret any of the small ways we’ve extended ourselves in the past.

barf.

Gold star for you, PP. except, you know, you haven't done jack sh*t, and no where near what Op has already done for Twin Mom, but you've already claimed credit. Gag me with a spoon.

Wow, you sound like you’re still hung over from the weekend. Or this morning.

No, just sick of self-aggrandizement bullsh*tters. She had a discussion with her DH about this? I call BS.

I'm the "spoke to my DH" poster from 9:56 the other day. Yep, actually did. In part because every time we extend ourselves for another family, we do it together. If I'm going to take time from our family to spend time on someone else's, he has to do more childcare. And vice versa. And we discuss unusual purchases with each other. He's a teacher and he calls me when he's thinking about dropping $100 on pizza for his classes or a club he sponsors. Ditto when I want to buy flowers or a present for someone.

Sarcastic "honor" responses aside, we're working on making good on this intention. We've signed up to make postpartum meals for a few friendly acquaintances and offered to help grocery shop for a neighbor with cancer (hope she takes us up on it). We do more for our good friends, but this is about pushing ourselves beyond our own circle. Not too much more just yet, but we'll keep looking for ways to help. I'm sure we'll get more mocking on this post, but we'd honestly love any suggestions. We're contemplating mentoring a refugee family through IRC.

And for that person who wondered about our circumstances.. we have stable family-friendly jobs (he's a teacher with a short commute and I have a technical 8-5 job with 10% travel, an hour commute each way, and rare weekend work), one toddler, and a dog. We pay someone to help clean once a month. Some close family nearby which helps with babysitting maybe quarterly. The fact that my DH does at least half at home really makes the difference so that we collectively have time/energy to give back.

It's wonderful you are so generous with your time. Maybe you can find out where OP is, and if it's close enough you can take responsibility for bringing the neighbor's child to work?

+1

She won't because she's full of crap and wants everyone to know how wonderful she is but does absolutely nothing. Internet martyr.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened with OP?

They prob had the good sense to figure this out, make a new arrangement or pause the extra kid run, and quit reading.

I hope so! I feel a sense of investment in this post and wish she would return. Inquiring minds want to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post and the responses stuck with me last night. I don’t understand why everyone jumped to camps where either the OP or the twin mom is an awful person. The cynicism and judgement is saddening.

It absolutely is a burden to spend an extra 10 minutes every morning helping out another family for several weeks. Tougher still if the OP doesn’t feel any gratitude or close relationship with the other family.

But I can honestly say that it would be an honor if I were in a position make that small sacrifice to help a neighbor out. Especially if that neighbor is recovering from a c-section or otherwise struggling in the weeks after birth. I’d go to bed sleeping better because I had an easy opportunity to do something nice for someone every day. Every morning already you’ve improved someone’s day - that’s awesome!

As a result of this post and the responses, DH and I talked for while last night about how isolated families are and how hard it is to ask for or receive support. We’re going to look for more ways to proactively volunteer to help our neighbors or the families of our kid’s classmates. We both work full time and struggle with the usual time-money-energy balances, but we have yet to regret any of the small ways we’ve extended ourselves in the past.

barf.

Gold star for you, PP. except, you know, you haven't done jack sh*t, and no where near what Op has already done for Twin Mom, but you've already claimed credit. Gag me with a spoon.

Wow, you sound like you’re still hung over from the weekend. Or this morning.

No, just sick of self-aggrandizement bullsh*tters. She had a discussion with her DH about this? I call BS.

I'm the "spoke to my DH" poster from 9:56 the other day. Yep, actually did. In part because every time we extend ourselves for another family, we do it together. If I'm going to take time from our family to spend time on someone else's, he has to do more childcare. And vice versa. And we discuss unusual purchases with each other. He's a teacher and he calls me when he's thinking about dropping $100 on pizza for his classes or a club he sponsors. Ditto when I want to buy flowers or a present for someone.

Sarcastic "honor" responses aside, we're working on making good on this intention. We've signed up to make postpartum meals for a few friendly acquaintances and offered to help grocery shop for a neighbor with cancer (hope she takes us up on it). We do more for our good friends, but this is about pushing ourselves beyond our own circle. Not too much more just yet, but we'll keep looking for ways to help. I'm sure we'll get more mocking on this post, but we'd honestly love any suggestions. We're contemplating mentoring a refugee family through IRC.

And for that person who wondered about our circumstances.. we have stable family-friendly jobs (he's a teacher with a short commute and I have a technical 8-5 job with 10% travel, an hour commute each way, and rare weekend work), one toddler, and a dog. We pay someone to help clean once a month. Some close family nearby which helps with babysitting maybe quarterly. The fact that my DH does at least half at home really makes the difference so that we collectively have time/energy to give back.

You are so full of yourself. Wow, three paragraphs on how great you are. Gold star, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post and the responses stuck with me last night. I don’t understand why everyone jumped to camps where either the OP or the twin mom is an awful person. The cynicism and judgement is saddening.

It absolutely is a burden to spend an extra 10 minutes every morning helping out another family for several weeks. Tougher still if the OP doesn’t feel any gratitude or close relationship with the other family.

But I can honestly say that it would be an honor if I were in a position make that small sacrifice to help a neighbor out. Especially if that neighbor is recovering from a c-section or otherwise struggling in the weeks after birth. I’d go to bed sleeping better because I had an easy opportunity to do something nice for someone every day. Every morning already you’ve improved someone’s day - that’s awesome!

As a result of this post and the responses, DH and I talked for while last night about how isolated families are and how hard it is to ask for or receive support. We’re going to look for more ways to proactively volunteer to help our neighbors or the families of our kid’s classmates. We both work full time and struggle with the usual time-money-energy balances, but we have yet to regret any of the small ways we’ve extended ourselves in the past.

barf.

Gold star for you, PP. except, you know, you haven't done jack sh*t, and no where near what Op has already done for Twin Mom, but you've already claimed credit. Gag me with a spoon.

Wow, you sound like you’re still hung over from the weekend. Or this morning.

No, just sick of self-aggrandizement bullsh*tters. She had a discussion with her DH about this? I call BS.

I'm the "spoke to my DH" poster from 9:56 the other day. Yep, actually did. In part because every time we extend ourselves for another family, we do it together. If I'm going to take time from our family to spend time on someone else's, he has to do more childcare. And vice versa. And we discuss unusual purchases with each other. He's a teacher and he calls me when he's thinking about dropping $100 on pizza for his classes or a club he sponsors. Ditto when I want to buy flowers or a present for someone.

Sarcastic "honor" responses aside, we're working on making good on this intention. We've signed up to make postpartum meals for a few friendly acquaintances and offered to help grocery shop for a neighbor with cancer (hope she takes us up on it). We do more for our good friends, but this is about pushing ourselves beyond our own circle. Not too much more just yet, but we'll keep looking for ways to help. I'm sure we'll get more mocking on this post, but we'd honestly love any suggestions. We're contemplating mentoring a refugee family through IRC.

And for that person who wondered about our circumstances.. we have stable family-friendly jobs (he's a teacher with a short commute and I have a technical 8-5 job with 10% travel, an hour commute each way, and rare weekend work), one toddler, and a dog. We pay someone to help clean once a month. Some close family nearby which helps with babysitting maybe quarterly. The fact that my DH does at least half at home really makes the difference so that we collectively have time/energy to give back.

I'm not going so far as to seek out opportunities; between schools, friends, work, temple, there are more opportunities to help than possible. But I did decide to stop being annoyed by the requests to participate in things like food deliveries or collections, or helping out another parent. This is what community is. We are responsible for creating the community we want to live in. And I want to be one of those people who is genuinely happy to pitch in when I can, which is much more often than the standard of "when I want to and can't get away with just writing a check." I also spoke to my DH about this, and about his attitude that we don't "owe" anyone anything; I want to model building community and truly being kind and helpful for our kids, and to that, we both have to buy in. He said he hadn't really thought about it that way, and we've both changed our attitudes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened with OP?

They prob had the good sense to figure this out, make a new arrangement or pause the extra kid run, and quit reading.

This is IP, I’m still here.

Still driving the kids through the week, still contemplating my next move.

The dad is at work, or at least that’s what they say, but he isn’t there in the mornings, his car is gone when the kids come out of the garage. We aren’t good friends, so I don’t know the whole story. The kids live a few houses down, but they have to cross a street and I know the mom doesn’t want them to do that, because she won’t let them to play with kids on our side of that road.

She could go and stand there while they walked across, but—

What annoys me most, other than having to lose minutes in the AM, is that the mom is in pajamas when she waves them off. Like she isn’t even ready! She’s 100% dependent on me showing up.

Yesterday morning my kids were being particularly difficult and I REALLY could have used an extra few minutes. I ended up having to leave dirty bowls and other stuff out on the table to deal with a kid issue, and then we just had to leave, because I knew I had to pick them up. I just want MY mornings back. If I had had that five extra minutes, I could have tidied up.

And no, to those who think I’m already leaving 10 minutes early for my kids, I’m not. Let’s say bus picks at 8. I would leave with my kids at 7:55. I’m now leaving my house at 7:45. So I am losing 10 minutes. I still arrive at the bus stop at 7:55, and yes, it takes the kids time to get in and buckle. I’m not lying or exaggerating.

[Anonymous]

OP, what has this neighbor done for you in the past that justifies you burdening yourself with her kids on an ongoing basis? You said you weren't "good friends" so I am curious, and I bet others are too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened with OP?

They prob had the good sense to figure this out, make a new arrangement or pause the extra kid run, and quit reading.

This is IP, I’m still here.

Still driving the kids through the week, still contemplating my next move.

The dad is at work, or at least that’s what they say, but he isn’t there in the mornings, his car is gone when the kids come out of the garage. We aren’t good friends, so I don’t know the whole story. The kids live a few houses down, but they have to cross a street and I know the mom doesn’t want them to do that, because she won’t let them to play with kids on our side of that road.

She could go and stand there while they walked across, but—

What annoys me most, other than having to lose minutes in the AM, is that the mom is in pajamas when she waves them off. Like she isn’t even ready! She’s 100% dependent on me showing up.

Yesterday morning my kids were being particularly difficult and I REALLY could have used an extra few minutes. I ended up having to leave dirty bowls and other stuff out on the table to deal with a kid issue, and then we just had to leave, because I knew I had to pick them up. I just want MY mornings back. If I had had that five extra minutes, I could have tidied up.

And no, to those who think I’m already leaving 10 minutes early for my kids, I’m not. Let’s say bus picks at 8. I would leave with my kids at 7:55. I’m now leaving my house at 7:45. So I am losing 10 minutes. I still arrive at the bus stop at 7:55, and yes, it takes the kids time to get in and buckle. I’m not lying or exaggerating.

You don’t want to do this anymore. Lady up and tell her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened with OP?

They prob had the good sense to figure this out, make a new arrangement or pause the extra kid run, and quit reading.

This is IP, I’m still here.

Still driving the kids through the week, still contemplating my next move.

The dad is at work, or at least that’s what they say, but he isn’t there in the mornings, his car is gone when the kids come out of the garage. We aren’t good friends, so I don’t know the whole story. The kids live a few houses down, but they have to cross a street and I know the mom doesn’t want them to do that, because she won’t let them to play with kids on our side of that road.

She could go and stand there while they walked across, but—

What annoys me most, other than having to lose minutes in the AM, is that the mom is in pajamas when she waves them off. Like she isn’t even ready! She’s 100% dependent on me showing up.

Yesterday morning my kids were being particularly difficult and I REALLY could have used an extra few minutes. I ended up having to leave dirty bowls and other stuff out on the table to deal with a kid issue, and then we just had to leave, because I knew I had to pick them up. I just want MY mornings back. If I had had that five extra minutes, I could have tidied up.

And no, to those who think I’m already leaving 10 minutes early for my kids, I’m not. Let’s say bus picks at 8. I would leave with my kids at 7:55. I’m now leaving my house at 7:45. So I am losing 10 minutes. I still arrive at the bus stop at 7:55, and yes, it takes the kids time to get in and buckle. I’m not lying or exaggerating.

I have zero empathy for someone that can’t tell another adult no and then nitpicks and whines online about it. You owe her nothing but definitely need to say something out loud to this person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened with OP?

They prob had the good sense to figure this out, make a new arrangement or pause the extra kid run, and quit reading.

This is IP, I’m still here.

Still driving the kids through the week, still contemplating my next move.

The dad is at work, or at least that’s what they say, but he isn’t there in the mornings, his car is gone when the kids come out of the garage. We aren’t good friends, so I don’t know the whole story. The kids live a few houses down, but they have to cross a street and I know the mom doesn’t want them to do that, because she won’t let them to play with kids on our side of that road.

She could go and stand there while they walked across, but—

What annoys me most, other than having to lose minutes in the AM, is that the mom is in pajamas when she waves them off. Like she isn’t even ready! She’s 100% dependent on me showing up.

Yesterday morning my kids were being particularly difficult and I REALLY could have used an extra few minutes. I ended up having to leave dirty bowls and other stuff out on the table to deal with a kid issue, and then we just had to leave, because I knew I had to pick them up. I just want MY mornings back. If I had had that five extra minutes, I could have tidied up.

And no, to those who think I’m already leaving 10 minutes early for my kids, I’m not. Let’s say bus picks at 8. I would leave with my kids at 7:55. I’m now leaving my house at 7:45. So I am losing 10 minutes. I still arrive at the bus stop at 7:55, and yes, it takes the kids time to get in and buckle. I’m not lying or exaggerating.

She won't even let them play with your kids because they're on the other side of the road? That's strange. I think you received a lot of really good advice here and some people have even given me the best way to cut things off. I'm sure it's hard because you feel like it's going to be awkward but trust me when I say that she's the one that should be feeling awkward. And if you really want to be honest with her just tell her you would like to get those extra few minutes back because your kids of been a little more difficult than usual and you can't help her anymore. Can I ask you nicely if in general you're a pushover? Or if you have a hard time and forcing things and saying no because that would explain why you're hesitant to end things with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened with OP?

They prob had the good sense to figure this out, make a new arrangement or pause the extra kid run, and quit reading.

This is IP, I’m still here.

Still driving the kids through the week, still contemplating my next move.

The dad is at work, or at least that’s what they say, but he isn’t there in the mornings, his car is gone when the kids come out of the garage. We aren’t good friends, so I don’t know the whole story. The kids live a few houses down, but they have to cross a street and I know the mom doesn’t want them to do that, because she won’t let them to play with kids on our side of that road.

She could go and stand there while they walked across, but—

What annoys me most, other than having to lose minutes in the AM, is that the mom is in pajamas when she waves them off. Like she isn’t even ready! She’s 100% dependent on me showing up.

Yesterday morning my kids were being particularly difficult and I REALLY could have used an extra few minutes. I ended up having to leave dirty bowls and other stuff out on the table to deal with a kid issue, and then we just had to leave, because I knew I had to pick them up. I just want MY mornings back. If I had had that five extra minutes, I could have tidied up.

And no, to those who think I’m already leaving 10 minutes early for my kids, I’m not. Let’s say bus picks at 8. I would leave with my kids at 7:55. I’m now leaving my house at 7:45. So I am losing 10 minutes. I still arrive at the bus stop at 7:55, and yes, it takes the kids time to get in and buckle. I’m not lying or exaggerating.

I have zero empathy for someone that can’t tell another adult no and then nitpicks and whines online about it. You owe her nothing but definitely need to say something out loud to this person.

I’m so done here.

I say I don’t want to do it and I’m chastised for being rude and unhelpful.
Mi elaborate, like asked, and I’m chastised for being weak.

So which is it?

I’m over here thinking, maybe I should keep doing this, because I’m being brown beaten here for even thinking I stop. Now you’re all kicking my ass because I am still doing it! You’re all a piece of work!