At what point does a favor become a burden?

[Anonymous]

Don't pay tension to that person. I think you came asking for advice and you should not pay tension to the people who are chastising you. You have been more helpful then I think most people here have been for other pregnant and newly postpartum moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened with OP?

They prob had the good sense to figure this out, make a new arrangement or pause the extra kid run, and quit reading.

This is IP, I’m still here.

Still driving the kids through the week, still contemplating my next move.

The dad is at work, or at least that’s what they say, but he isn’t there in the mornings, his car is gone when the kids come out of the garage. We aren’t good friends, so I don’t know the whole story. The kids live a few houses down, but they have to cross a street and I know the mom doesn’t want them to do that, because she won’t let them to play with kids on our side of that road.

She could go and stand there while they walked across, but—

What annoys me most, other than having to lose minutes in the AM, is that the mom is in pajamas when she waves them off. Like she isn’t even ready! She’s 100% dependent on me showing up.

Yesterday morning my kids were being particularly difficult and I REALLY could have used an extra few minutes. I ended up having to leave dirty bowls and other stuff out on the table to deal with a kid issue, and then we just had to leave, because I knew I had to pick them up. I just want MY mornings back. If I had had that five extra minutes, I could have tidied up.

And no, to those who think I’m already leaving 10 minutes early for my kids, I’m not. Let’s say bus picks at 8. I would leave with my kids at 7:55. I’m now leaving my house at 7:45. So I am losing 10 minutes. I still arrive at the bus stop at 7:55, and yes, it takes the kids time to get in and buckle. I’m not lying or exaggerating.

I have zero empathy for someone that can’t tell another adult no and then nitpicks and whines online about it. You owe her nothing but definitely need to say something out loud to this person.

I’m so done here.

I say I don’t want to do it and I’m chastised for being rude and unhelpful.
Mi elaborate, like asked, and I’m chastised for being weak.

So which is it?

I’m over here thinking, maybe I should keep doing this, because I’m being brown beaten here for even thinking I stop. Now you’re all kicking my ass because I am still doing it! You’re all a piece of work!

You’re doing something awesome but it’s chafing. Do what works best for you, not internet strangers. Go talk to your neighbor when you have an unhurried moment. Read what last poster wrote in regards to mitigating awkwardness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened with OP?

They prob had the good sense to figure this out, make a new arrangement or pause the extra kid run, and quit reading.

This is IP, I’m still here.

Still driving the kids through the week, still contemplating my next move.

The dad is at work, or at least that’s what they say, but he isn’t there in the mornings, his car is gone when the kids come out of the garage. We aren’t good friends, so I don’t know the whole story. The kids live a few houses down, but they have to cross a street and I know the mom doesn’t want them to do that, because she won’t let them to play with kids on our side of that road.

She could go and stand there while they walked across, but—

What annoys me most, other than having to lose minutes in the AM, is that the mom is in pajamas when she waves them off. Like she isn’t even ready! She’s 100% dependent on me showing up.

Yesterday morning my kids were being particularly difficult and I REALLY could have used an extra few minutes. I ended up having to leave dirty bowls and other stuff out on the table to deal with a kid issue, and then we just had to leave, because I knew I had to pick them up. I just want MY mornings back. If I had had that five extra minutes, I could have tidied up.

And no, to those who think I’m already leaving 10 minutes early for my kids, I’m not. Let’s say bus picks at 8. I would leave with my kids at 7:55. I’m now leaving my house at 7:45. So I am losing 10 minutes. I still arrive at the bus stop at 7:55, and yes, it takes the kids time to get in and buckle. I’m not lying or exaggerating.

Can dad drop them at your house on his way out? Maybe he can't wait at the bus stop b/c of timing, but if he leaves during this process, then he could leave the few minutes earlier, drop them at your house, and they could sit somewhere until you're ready to go. If they aren't able to manage that little bit of inconvenience, then, yes, I'd say to give this up soon.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you OP, because I'm a lot like you. I want to do the right thing, I want to be helpful and help others the way I'd want to be helped. But I've learned to say no. I've learned that my needs and my family needs are important too and that most people I know can manage okay if I say no. I'm generally thought of as a pretty helpful person (If an acquaintance I know is having a hard time, I'll bring a meal, offer to watch kids for an afternoon, etc) but I now absolutely say no to long term favors to people who aren't my friends or family. It's self-preservation, you don't give more than you are able to do comfortably.

And we know this mom can manage without this favor. She sounds like she has the money to pay for extra help, she could let the kids walk themselves to the bus stop (isn't that the point of school bus stops that they are chosen to be within walkable distance of the child's home...), she could walk with them/watch them/monitor them via phone.

[Anonymous]

OP, I totally get it and would feel the same as you. I'm an anxious person and my life always feels too busy, so taking on even a small favor/responsibility for a prolonged period of time would start to bother me for all the reasons you've mentioned. I wouldn't mind doing it for someone I really loved (like close friends or family), but just an acquaintance, it would grow old.

I have neighbors like that, I've learned my limits and just say no when I reach them and they usually respect that. I am more comfortable inconveniencing myself than asking for favors and sometimes when I do ask I am told no, so it goes both ways.

When it comes to favors do what you're comfortable with and not what society dictates.

[Anonymous]

Also, I would nip this in the bud before it drives you so crazy that you end up really snapping at the other parents - who probably don't realize how much you are agonizing over this.

[Anonymous]

Just tell them the "few weeks" are done, it was great but unfortunately your schedule has really suffered and you realized you can no longer do it. They will understand. You helped in a pinch, but having the situation go on starts to amount to them taking advantage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I totally get it and would feel the same as you. I'm an anxious person and my life always feels too busy, so taking on even a small favor/responsibility for a prolonged period of time would start to bother me for all the reasons you've mentioned. I wouldn't mind doing it for someone I really loved (like close friends or family), but just an acquaintance, it would grow old.

I have neighbors like that, I've learned my limits and just say no when I reach them and they usually respect that. I am more comfortable inconveniencing myself than asking for favors and sometimes when I do ask I am told no, so it goes both ways.

When it comes to favors do what you're comfortable with and not what society dictates.

I think that generally speaking, "society" dictates that OP has been extremely generous to be have dealt with this ongoing imposition and inconvenience in order to 'help out' parents who quite frankly should not have had more children since they don't seem to be willing or able to handle them.

It's just a few entitled "but it takes a VILLAGE!" entitled nutcases on DCUM who think that their decision to have (or have more) children should be someone else's problem. Even if that someone else is not even a relative or friend (which would already be bad enough, really) but just a random person who happens to live in your subdivision.

Still SMH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened with OP?

They prob had the good sense to figure this out, make a new arrangement or pause the extra kid run, and quit reading.

This is IP, I’m still here.

Still driving the kids through the week, still contemplating my next move.

The dad is at work, or at least that’s what they say, but he isn’t there in the mornings, his car is gone when the kids come out of the garage. We aren’t good friends, so I don’t know the whole story. The kids live a few houses down, but they have to cross a street and I know the mom doesn’t want them to do that, because she won’t let them to play with kids on our side of that road.

She could go and stand there while they walked across, but—

What annoys me most, other than having to lose minutes in the AM, is that the mom is in pajamas when she waves them off. Like she isn’t even ready! She’s 100% dependent on me showing up.

Yesterday morning my kids were being particularly difficult and I REALLY could have used an extra few minutes. I ended up having to leave dirty bowls and other stuff out on the table to deal with a kid issue, and then we just had to leave, because I knew I had to pick them up. I just want MY mornings back. If I had had that five extra minutes, I could have tidied up.

And no, to those who think I’m already leaving 10 minutes early for my kids, I’m not. Let’s say bus picks at 8. I would leave with my kids at 7:55. I’m now leaving my house at 7:45. So I am losing 10 minutes. I still arrive at the bus stop at 7:55, and yes, it takes the kids time to get in and buckle. I’m not lying or exaggerating.

Now why are you doubtful about the Dad being at work? When I worked at Carderock, 60% of the staff worked some variation of 6-2 or 7-3 and were thus out the door between 4:30am and 6am.

[Anonymous]

Update, OP? What did you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This post and the responses stuck with me last night. I don’t understand why everyone jumped to camps where either the OP or the twin mom is an awful person. The cynicism and judgement is saddening.

It absolutely is a burden to spend an extra 10 minutes every morning helping out another family for several weeks. Tougher still if the OP doesn’t feel any gratitude or close relationship with the other family.

But I can honestly say that it would be an honor if I were in a position make that small sacrifice to help a neighbor out. Especially if that neighbor is recovering from a c-section or otherwise struggling in the weeks after birth. I’d go to bed sleeping better because I had an easy opportunity to do something nice for someone every day. Every morning already you’ve improved someone’s day - that’s awesome!

As a result of this post and the responses, DH and I talked for while last night about how isolated families are and how hard it is to ask for or receive support. We’re going to look for more ways to proactively volunteer to help our neighbors or the families of our kid’s classmates. We both work full time and struggle with the usual time-money-energy balances, but we have yet to regret any of the small ways we’ve extended ourselves in the past.

This warms my heart so much!

We're an isolated family and had an experience where I was the akin to the twin mom. I had no idea that it was such a big favor for the other mom to do (taking my kid to school along with hers and other neighbors) as they were all walking together in a group. My older one did it with a different group and they loved having her walk along with them. I messed that up because the previous parent was so welcoming.

Please just explain your tight schedule and the extra stress it causes you and she will understand, accommodate, and might even be a little embarrassed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post and the responses stuck with me last night. I don’t understand why everyone jumped to camps where either the OP or the twin mom is an awful person. The cynicism and judgement is saddening.

It absolutely is a burden to spend an extra 10 minutes every morning helping out another family for several weeks. Tougher still if the OP doesn’t feel any gratitude or close relationship with the other family.

But I can honestly say that it would be an honor if I were in a position make that small sacrifice to help a neighbor out. Especially if that neighbor is recovering from a c-section or otherwise struggling in the weeks after birth. I’d go to bed sleeping better because I had an easy opportunity to do something nice for someone every day. Every morning already you’ve improved someone’s day - that’s awesome!

As a result of this post and the responses, DH and I talked for while last night about how isolated families are and how hard it is to ask for or receive support. We’re going to look for more ways to proactively volunteer to help our neighbors or the families of our kid’s classmates. We both work full time and struggle with the usual time-money-energy balances, but we have yet to regret any of the small ways we’ve extended ourselves in the past.

This warms my heart so much!

We're an isolated family and had an experience where I was the akin to the twin mom. I had no idea that it was such a big favor for the other mom to do (taking my kid to school along with hers and other neighbors) as they were all walking together in a group. My older one did it with a different group and they loved having her walk along with them. I messed that up because the previous parent was so welcoming.

Please just explain your tight schedule and the extra stress it causes you and she will understand, accommodate, and might even be a little embarrassed.

Why don't you return the favor and do it for someone else's kid? It's so easy to pretend to be clueless about these things...

OP doesn't need to explain anything - she doesn't owe anyone explanations why she is no longer doubling as free household help. "It's not working for us anymore, thanks".

[Anonymous]

OP, I totally sympathize. We had a neighbor for a few years who was divorced w/2 kids. Some days she would send them to our house a half hour or so before the bus arrived. In theory it was fine - my husband and I have enough flexibility that one of us was always able to wait with our kids - but the reality is different. We both work and our kids are a handful, and so that last half hour before the bus often involved crazy running around, taking work calls while trying to get a kid (or a parent) dressed and lunches packed. Having two other kids in the house made it all harder.

I think you are great to have helped this family out for the first few weeks, but honestly it's insane for people to expect you to do it through the winter. It probably feels awful to do but you really don't have an obligation to get her kids to the busstop for months on end.

[Anonymous]

Without actually speaking to your neighbors you have no idea what they think or expect of your arrangement. They should have checked in, as you should have as well as soon as it became not ok. It’s a tragicomedy of errors

[Anonymous]

Honestly, it just sounds like you don't like or need the extra responsibility. You don't owe it to them to help, although as many others said, it is obviously a huge help to them in their situation. So just say no and deal with the fact that you don't want to help them.