At what point does a favor become a burden?

[Anonymous]

I'd chalk up these 10 minutes to being a wonderful neighbor and teaching your children how to also be wonderful neighbors. You do it because it's the right thing to do, even if it's not the most convenient.

Tiny infant twins is an all hands on deck type of thing. I would keep helping her for the next few weeks. Maybe not until Spring like others have suggested, but I'd keep the routine until winter break. Then you can suggest she find an alternate plan for her kid(s).

I would not expect reciprocation pretty much ever for this type of favor. Except maybe some very sincere and grateful THANK YOUs when you see her.

[Anonymous]

Re “to this poster
It absolutely is a burden to spend an extra 10 minutes every morning helping out another family for several weeks. Tougher still if the OP doesn’t feel any gratitude or close relationship with the other family.


OP is saying the extra 10 minutes isn't for the other family - she is doing it for her kids anyway. ”

Even if it’s not materially more time, it’s more aggravation and logistics in the morning. The sacrifice is real. My point is that there’s an attitude where you look at that sacrifice and see it as a opportunity to give, rather than bregrudge it. - PP from 9:56am

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd chalk up these 10 minutes to being a wonderful neighbor and teaching your children how to also be wonderful neighbors. You do it because it's the right thing to do, even if it's not the most convenient.

Tiny infant twins is an all hands on deck type of thing. I would keep helping her for the next few weeks. Maybe not until Spring like others have suggested, but I'd keep the routine until winter break. Then you can suggest she find an alternate plan for her kid(s).

I would not expect reciprocation pretty much ever for this type of favor. Except maybe some very sincere and grateful THANK YOUs when you see her.

For family, maybe. For neighbors, sorry, no. This was not an "accident" that needs a few days of help. This is not a one time deal. It is NOT a neighbors responsibility to "have all hands on deck" because the other mother has 3 kids. I'm not buying that. Hire help. That's what normal people do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd chalk up these 10 minutes to being a wonderful neighbor and teaching your children how to also be wonderful neighbors. You do it because it's the right thing to do, even if it's not the most convenient.

Tiny infant twins is an all hands on deck type of thing. I would keep helping her for the next few weeks. Maybe not until Spring like others have suggested, but I'd keep the routine until winter break. Then you can suggest she find an alternate plan for her kid(s).

I would not expect reciprocation pretty much ever for this type of favor. Except maybe some very sincere and grateful THANK YOUs when you see her.

For family, maybe. For neighbors, sorry, no. This was not an "accident" that needs a few days of help. This is not a one time deal. It is NOT a neighbors responsibility to "have all hands on deck" because the other mother has 3 kids. I'm not buying that. Hire help. That's what normal people do.

I didn't say it was OP's responsibility. She has every right to stop doing it. I'm simply saying that I think some kindness goes a long way here. Certainly if she feels this woman is taking advantage of her, she should stop the arrangement. But personally I think doing this kindness for a few more weeks will do more GOOD than harm for her family.

[Anonymous]

The neighbor knew she was having twins and should have made plans long shot. Pay a high school kid to walk your kids to bus stop. Stop having kids you cannot afford or cannot take care of yourselves!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pay a high school kid to walk your kids to bus stop.

In our neighborhood, high schoolers get the bus almost two hours before elementary schoolers! Who's left at home? Other parents of elementary schoolers, like OP.

[Anonymous]

I'm a mom to twins. THey are hard. Whether they're newborn or 6 (as mine are) - they are hard and getting out the door and to work on time has been a persistent challenge since the day I went back to work.

I think OP is doing a lovely thing and I think the twin mom is being churlish (and foolish) for not expressing gratitude.

If I were OP (and if this was feasible given the ages and locations of the kids involved) I'd send the twin mom a note saying something like this:

"Hey Jane, how are you? I hope life is startling to settle down a bit - I imagine it must be a whole new reality. I wanted to touch base about the morning arrangements. I'm struggling a bit w/ our household routine in the morning (this is not a new dynamic!). Could you have your kids out the door and at my house by 7:55 each morning? I'm happy to get them from there to the bus stop but recapturing the few extra minutes of kid wrangling at my end would be really great. Let me know."

That way I'm still offering to be helpful but in a way that impacts my household a little less. And the twin mom is a bit on notice that some thanks are called for.

10 minutes is a BIG deal in our morning - it's the difference between a stressed mother or not, 5-10 minutes to sit and eat a bowl of cereal together or not, 5 minutes of fun and snuggles (which change the entire day if I can squeeze that in), etc...

So thank you for what you've done for your neighbor OP - I do hope the favor is returned someday and I do think the universe returns what you put into it.

[Anonymous]

This thread reminds me so much of the one last year where one Mom saw another leaving her baby in the car at daycare while she went in to pick up her toddler. OP asked if she should tell the center director. 90% of responses said the OP should arrange with the mom so that OP could watch the other mom’s baby everyday during that time and called the OP all sorts of names. I actually couldn’t believe the responses. I thought I was being punked. Logistically, how was so supposed to do this? Why would she? Etc.

OP is doing a very nice thing and if she can’t do it anymore then she’s done her part (more than). Hopefully she can hold on to give some notice to twin mom and twin mom is grateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread reminds me so much of the one last year where one Mom saw another leaving her baby in the car at daycare while she went in to pick up her toddler. OP asked if she should tell the center director. 90% of responses said the OP should arrange with the mom so that OP could watch the other mom’s baby everyday during that time and called the OP all sorts of names. I actually couldn’t believe the responses. I thought I was being punked. Logistically, how was so supposed to do this? Why would she? Etc.

OP is doing a very nice thing and if she can’t do it anymore then she’s done her part (more than). Hopefully she can hold on to give some notice to twin mom and twin mom is grateful.

Omg you’re so right! I had forgotten about that one! People on here are delusional! As if they are all running off to do scheduled, daily 10 minute favors for their neighbors.

I encourage all of you blasting OP to volunteer your family’s time to take your neighbors front yard. If you are even a family of 3, you can get it done in “only” 10 minutes a person.

Or, offer to grocery shop for 50 minutes for your neighbor! On their dime of course. That’s “only” 10 minutes for each day!

Or find some other 10 minute task to help your neighbor. It’s only 10 minutes!

[Anonymous]

Op - can you come back and tell us where the dad/the twin's dad is? Can't he take the kids to school (sacc option)?

Does the family never leave the house if the neighbor can't even get her older kids to school?

[Anonymous]

One more thing Op - did you offer to help her ("hey Diane, congrats on the twins! They're adorable. I know you have your hands full, so let me know if I can help")?
Because if you said something like that than don't feel surprised she is hoping you can continue to do school drop offs.

Whose picking up the kids from school btw?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One more thing Op - did you offer to help her ("hey Diane, congrats on the twins! They're adorable. I know you have your hands full, so let me know if I can help")?
Because if you said something like that than don't feel surprised she is hoping you can continue to do school drop offs.

Whose picking up the kids from school btw?

Even if she offered exactly in the same words - how is that an invitation to a multi-week ongoing commitment that would otherwise be compensated labor for someone else?

To PP who asked where the father is - probably leaving for work earlier, and laughing all the way to the bank because they don't have to pay anyone in the mornings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a mom to twins. THey are hard. Whether they're newborn or 6 (as mine are) - they are hard and getting out the door and to work on time has been a persistent challenge since the day I went back to work.

I think OP is doing a lovely thing and I think the twin mom is being churlish (and foolish) for not expressing gratitude.

If I were OP (and if this was feasible given the ages and locations of the kids involved) I'd send the twin mom a note saying something like this:

"Hey Jane, how are you? I hope life is startling to settle down a bit - I imagine it must be a whole new reality. I wanted to touch base about the morning arrangements. I'm struggling a bit w/ our household routine in the morning (this is not a new dynamic!). Could you have your kids out the door and at my house by 7:55 each morning? I'm happy to get them from there to the bus stop but recapturing the few extra minutes of kid wrangling at my end would be really great. Let me know."

That way I'm still offering to be helpful but in a way that impacts my household a little less. And the twin mom is a bit on notice that some thanks are called for.

10 minutes is a BIG deal in our morning - it's the difference between a stressed mother or not, 5-10 minutes to sit and eat a bowl of cereal together or not, 5 minutes of fun and snuggles (which change the entire day if I can squeeze that in), etc...

So thank you for what you've done for your neighbor OP - I do hope the favor is returned someday and I do think the universe returns what you put into it.

I think that is a lovely note, but leaves too much room for OP to take on permanent responsibility for these kids. What happens if the kids are late to her house? What happens if she really doesn't want to be responsible for them at all anymore?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This post and the responses stuck with me last night. I don’t understand why everyone jumped to camps where either the OP or the twin mom is an awful person. The cynicism and judgement is saddening.

It absolutely is a burden to spend an extra 10 minutes every morning helping out another family for several weeks. Tougher still if the OP doesn’t feel any gratitude or close relationship with the other family.

But I can honestly say that it would be an honor if I were in a position make that small sacrifice to help a neighbor out. Especially if that neighbor is recovering from a c-section or otherwise struggling in the weeks after birth. I’d go to bed sleeping better because I had an easy opportunity to do something nice for someone every day. Every morning already you’ve improved someone’s day - that’s awesome!

As a result of this post and the responses, DH and I talked for while last night about how isolated families are and how hard it is to ask for or receive support. We’re going to look for more ways to proactively volunteer to help our neighbors or the families of our kid’s classmates. We both work full time and struggle with the usual time-money-energy balances, but we have yet to regret any of the small ways we’ve extended ourselves in the past.

It would be an honor to learn about your experience doing this in a month or so, if as a service to this online community you come back and share how it went for you and DH: what you end up doing as volunteering service to your neighbors, how frequently (shooting for daily, right?), how long it takes, what you sacrifice in order to be able to do it (sleep? time with your own children? anything else?) In addition, would be interested to know what situation you are coming from with such generosity: do you have a full time job? Is it flexible, or rigid in terms of starting and ending hours, how many kids do you have and whether there is any household help, paid or in the form of family or other people volunteering. Thank you and props to you for leading by example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post and the responses stuck with me last night. I don’t understand why everyone jumped to camps where either the OP or the twin mom is an awful person. The cynicism and judgement is saddening.

It absolutely is a burden to spend an extra 10 minutes every morning helping out another family for several weeks. Tougher still if the OP doesn’t feel any gratitude or close relationship with the other family.

But I can honestly say that it would be an honor if I were in a position make that small sacrifice to help a neighbor out. Especially if that neighbor is recovering from a c-section or otherwise struggling in the weeks after birth. I’d go to bed sleeping better because I had an easy opportunity to do something nice for someone every day. Every morning already you’ve improved someone’s day - that’s awesome!

As a result of this post and the responses, DH and I talked for while last night about how isolated families are and how hard it is to ask for or receive support. We’re going to look for more ways to proactively volunteer to help our neighbors or the families of our kid’s classmates. We both work full time and struggle with the usual time-money-energy balances, but we have yet to regret any of the small ways we’ve extended ourselves in the past.

It would be an honor to learn about your experience doing this in a month or so, if as a service to this online community you come back and share how it went for you and DH: what you end up doing as volunteering service to your neighbors, how frequently (shooting for daily, right?), how long it takes, what you sacrifice in order to be able to do it (sleep? time with your own children? anything else?) In addition, would be interested to know what situation you are coming from with such generosity: do you have a full time job? Is it flexible, or rigid in terms of starting and ending hours, how many kids do you have and whether there is any household help, paid or in the form of family or other people volunteering. Thank you and props to you for leading by example.