Should a sympathy card include money? If so how much?
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Anonymous
| People should express sympathy to the bereaved any way they want. What is important is that you show you care, and you are sharing their loss. Who doesn't like or need money at this time? |
Anonymous
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Absolutely not.
America has become very crass in this regard. I feel like our first instinct is to throw money to cover up any problem. Write a heart felt card about the deceased or your regards for the grieving family member. (If the death left someone in material need, such as a young widow with children, perhaps later try to help them out in some way. ) |
Anonymous
Were you brought up by wolves? No, it is not appropriate to enclose money. It is also inappropriate to send printed sympathy cards, you write a sympathy note. If you want to send money then do so anonymously with a bank check or money order. |
Anonymous
Yeah, this. I sent money to a friend whose dad died and they used it to pay for a rental car since she and her husband only had one car and with the funeral and everything there is lots of driving around, picking people up, doing errands, etc. You spend a lot of money when someone dies on random stuff like that. We were in our 20s and she totally appreciated me sending her $150 (I couldn't go to the funeral itself for some reason so I sent her the card and money and was like "just spend it on whatever you need"). |
Anonymous
!!!!! I'm not even Catholic but when an older Catholic person loses a relative, I will see if I can get a Mass said at their parish or somewhere in the diocese. It's usually like $25. |
Anonymous
I would calibrate based on the circumstances. For most people, especially where I cannot attend the funeral, I send a note. If the person has worked for us as a nanny or a housekeeper, I include cash/check (if I am not able to go in person) and the amount depends on if the burial will be here or in their home country, if the deceased was the breadwinner, etc. Recently I provided cash to our weekly housekeeper as her brother passed away and she and her surviving siblings had to cover the funeral and help the brother's widow and child. I think responses here can vary across class and culture. I would hope that no one would stand on ceremony because of etiquette rules that may have been narrowly conceived as well as reflecting a certain privileged milieu. |
Anonymous
| No. Sending money or gift cards is insulting, unless the family has specifically asked for contributions to help with expenses. |
Anonymous
So if I roughly know someone's HHI and related circumstances, I should just wait till they ask? I think some cultures expect one to support w/o being asked. |
Anonymous
| In Asian culture, you give money. |
Anonymous
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Stumbled on this super old thread while googling how much money is standard to put in a sympathy card ($25, $50, or $100?) and I am shocked by some of these responses... I can't understand why it would be rude to include money?
I haven't always included money because I have not always been financially able. Now that I am established, in my 30s, and have the financial means I plan on including money in almost every card going forward. Death is expensive for the survivng family members, especially if unexpected. Not only the funeral costs, but the family needs time away from work to handle the arrangements and also just grieve. My grandparents (white & middle/upper middle class) passed away last year and they both had prepaid for their funeral costs years prior, but my mother (white & lower middle class) still had to take time off work to meet with the funeral home and schedule the services, the services had to be held, and the home needed to be cleaned out, all their belongings and paperwork needed to be gone through and then the house was put on the market and sold. Plus she still needed some time to grieve and emotionally deal with her loss. My father died unexpectedly in a work accident when I was a teen, still living at home, and my mom was a SAHM up until that point. This was when I learned that people put money in sympathy cards, and in our situation it was GREATLY appreciated. Sure, we had money in savings, assets, and other accounts etc. but you don't always have access to that in the time immediately following a sudden death. The money is not being given to insult anybody, cover up a problem, or bring the deceased back and I don't see how it's any different than sending a $50 bouquet, a fruit or pastry or other type of gourmet gift basket. Even though those gifts are very thoughtful and that is appreciated, nobody needs multiple bouquets of beautiful flowers or random food products they don't typically eat. I know somebody whose husband just died 2 weeks ago and she has received nothing but flowers and fruit baskets full of golden foil wrapped pears. Typically this woman is NOT in financial need (white & uppper middle class) but her husband just switched banks, and she just hadn't gotten a chance to go run the simple errand of going with him to the bank to be added to the account. It was the holiday season and etc. etc. so now she has no access to their money and the estate process can take months. You really never know what other people's financial situation is, people "appear" to have money all the time but they don't have savings or own anything except debt. So even though the "breadwinner" didn't pass, that family might still need that person's income to pay their mortage, car payments, bills, etc. and don't forget most families now have two adults that work full time, not one. Or people could live very simply but have various types of assets and lots of money in savings. I was raised not to discuss money and finances because that is private, personal, and none of your business. If somebody was truly offended by receiving money in a card they need to take a step back from the situation and just appreciate that somebody was thoughtful to take the time to even send a card, and generous to include money. That doesn't sound like a person raised by wolves to me, but I guess everyone is different. It seems more crass or ignorant to assume you know how much money people have or dont have when you could just include whatever amount you are comfortable with inside your handwirtten thank you card. If the recipient doesn't need it, or feels strange about it they can do whatever they'd like with it, including a charitable donation or having a Mass done in their name in whatever chuch THEY belong to. After my father died, we got several of the Catholic Mass cards, and like somebody said in an earlier post, those cost about $25 Sorry for the length but there are so many different situations and factors that completely change the circumstances after somebody dies, I'm disappoiinted so many people were so offended by the idea of being caring and generous to somebody dealing with the death of a loved one.... |
Anonymous
That is intersting. In Indian Hindu culture, odd numbers like $11, $21, $51 and $101 are used for auspicious occasions like weddings and births. |
Anonymous
| When my FIL died, my DH became the symbolic head of the family, as he is the eldest son. My parents gave him the money for the cost of the funeral and also a head gear to symbolize my family of origin support to him and recognition that he is the new head of the family. |
Anonymous
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At the time my father died, my mother had been a SAHM & home-maker for nearly 30 years so she had no work experience and had to suddenly get two low paying jobs to support herself and her children. My father was 53 and had just cancelled his term life insurance a month prior to being killed unexpectedly in a work accident. We were always comfortable but not wealthy, there was a good amount of savings and various types of accounts (401k/IRA etc.) but she would need that money for her own retirement still so suddenly her entire life and financial situation changed. I was old enough (17) to already have a part-time job while I was finishing HS and entering college so I was able to contribute and help her when it was needed, but we got a bunch of those Catholic Mass cards, and like somebody said in an earlier post, those cost about $25 each and I'm sure my mother would have rather gotten the cash and said her own prayer in HER church, or in her own way instead. Each of those Mass cards could have allowed her to work about 2 hours less and instead spend that time grieving for her husband of nearly 30 years, taking care of her family, or just spending time with her loved ones who were also grieving.
I know people mean well by having a Mass said for the deceased but that is the most useless thing you can do to show your support or express your sympathy for the grieving family, especially if they don't even belong to that particular church/faith/group. The ones recieved by my family were all from various Catholic Churches in our area, usually the church that they went to. My father was not overly religious but he belonged to a Lutheran church and had not been a practicing Catholic since he graduated HS. Those sympathy cards that included Mass cards were essentially empty... just like so many of you prefer. 
Final thought, the people that can't comrehend why you should give money in a sympathy card must have been very lucky and had to experience losing anybody young, unexpected, or close to them. I am very jealous of you, but I wish you would put some more thought into this and hopefully you will reconsider. Spending $50 on flowers or "appropriate" gifts is fine, but if you give cash the recipient can use that money for what they actually need or want since they have a better understanding of what that is, or even donate it to the charity, cause, or church of THEIR choice. AND STOP BEING SO OFFENDED BY EVERYTHING, if somebody gives you a gift, any kind of gift including money, it wasn't meant to insult you, its a GIFT and was meant to show you they care and are thinking of you. Fin. |
Anonymous
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Does anybody know the meaning behind giving odd numbers like $11, $21, $51, $101?
I like that custom already without even knowing the reason behind it, but it must mean something. |
Anonymous
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In some cultures and subcultures people send money and that is very thoughtful. In some cultures people bring food, send flowers or send gift cards for restaurants.
I think there is no right or wrong. Attend the funeral if you can or send a thoughtful card. If you have a photograph or memory of the deceased you can share it in the card. What is important is that you show your support to the bereaved family. |