Reply to Should a sympathy card include money? If so how much?

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[quote=Anonymous]Stumbled on this super old thread while googling how much money is standard to put in a sympathy card ($25, $50, or $100?) and I am shocked by some of these responses...  I can't understand why it would be rude to include money?

I haven't always included money because I have not always been financially able.  Now that I am established, in my 30s, and have the financial means I plan on including money in almost every card going forward.  Death is expensive for the survivng family members, especially if unexpected.  Not only the funeral costs, but the family needs time away from work to handle the arrangements and also just grieve.

My grandparents (white & middle/upper middle class) passed away last year and they both had prepaid for their funeral costs years prior, but my mother (white & lower middle class) still had to take time off work to meet with the funeral home and schedule the services, the services had to be held, and the home needed to be cleaned out, all their belongings and paperwork needed to be gone through and then the house was put on the market and sold.  Plus she still needed some time to grieve and emotionally deal with her loss.

My father died unexpectedly in a work accident when I was a teen, still living at home, and my mom was a SAHM up until that point.  This was when I learned that people put money in sympathy cards, and in our situation it was GREATLY appreciated.  Sure, we had money in savings, assets, and other accounts etc. but you don't always have access to that in the time immediately following a sudden death.

The money is not being given to insult anybody, cover up a problem, or bring the deceased back and I don't see how it's any different than sending a $50 bouquet, a fruit or pastry or other type of gourmet gift basket.  Even though those gifts are very thoughtful and that is appreciated, nobody needs multiple bouquets of beautiful flowers or random food products they don't typically eat.

I know somebody whose husband just died 2 weeks ago and she has received nothing but flowers and fruit baskets full of golden foil wrapped pears.  Typically this woman is NOT in financial need (white & uppper middle class) but her husband just switched banks, and she just hadn't gotten a chance to go run the simple errand of going with him to the bank to be added to the account.  It was the holiday season and etc. etc. so now she has no access to their money and the estate process can take months.

You really never know what other people's financial situation is, people "appear" to have money all the time but they don't have savings or own anything except debt.  So even though the "breadwinner" didn't pass, that family might still need that person's income to pay their mortage, car payments, bills, etc. and don't forget most families now have two adults that work full time, not one.  Or people could live very simply but have various types of assets and lots of money in savings.

I was raised not to discuss money and finances because that is private, personal, and none of your business.  If somebody was truly offended by receiving money in a card they need to take a step back from the situation and just appreciate that somebody was thoughtful to take the time to even send a card, and generous to include money.  That doesn't sound like a person raised by wolves to me, but I guess everyone is different.  It seems more crass or ignorant to assume you know how much money people have or dont have when you could just include whatever amount you are comfortable with inside your handwirtten thank you card.  If the recipient doesn't need it, or feels strange about it they can do whatever they'd like with it, including a charitable donation or having a Mass done in their name in whatever chuch THEY belong to.  After my father died, we got several of the Catholic Mass cards, and like somebody said in an earlier post, those cost about $25

Sorry for the length but there are so many different situations and factors that completely change the circumstances after somebody dies, I'm disappoiinted so many people were so offended by the idea of being caring and generous to somebody dealing with the death of a loved one....

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