Spouse lost his job and its ruining our life

[Anonymous]

OP, have you done a serious review of your spending? In the immediate future you need to cut expenses and raise income.

I get kids are expensive, I have 2 teens. I have been laid off, twice We immediately cut expenses. I know exactly where all our money is going. Just because kids have expensive activities doesn't mean they stay in them or there isn't a way to lower the costs.

Go to the money forum and ask for help with your budget, but be as detailed as possible. For your kids' sake, stop complaining and start acting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if his hair is gray, get some just for men hair coloring.

Stop by your unemployment office. They should have some free classes on interviewing.

He also may qualify for free retraining.

Generally, the stuff is not mentioned on the website you need to stop by the office and talk to people.

The unemployment office? They don’t give guidance for executive professional interviews. They more geared towards people making the leap from retail to office work.

NP here. The husband could contact the career services office of his undergrad or grad school (if he went to one). Most reputable colleges offer career services FOR LIFE and that includes alumni who are in their 40s+. Resume review, interview prep, etc. It should be free. Both my undergrad and law school offer this. I have been on multiple college tours with my teens in the last 2 years and all of the colleges we toured mentioned this benefit, so it should still be a thing.

[Anonymous]

My dad lost his job when I was in late high school. I'd already been working since I was fourteen and paid for a lot of my own things. If your kids are old enough, they could get jobs and cover some of their expenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should get a second job. He should be working at McDonald’s if he has to.

I have been looking for jobs that pay more money. Ive told my husband he has to give up on finding a new job in his career and just find something else, like working in a restaurant, as you suggest. He hasnt gotten there yet because he is determined to keep his career.

NP. Until you actually find a job that pays a lot more money, I don’t think you have a leg to stand on here. You seem to be criticizing him for the same issue you are having yourself.

Well the purpose of my post was seeking out people who have been in this situation who could share their story. That doesnt seem to be you np. If you read my prior comment, my dh not only supported my decision to work in education but encouraged it because he probably never envisioned that this would happen to him.

Yes, sweetie, and now your situation has changed and you need to find a new job.

Her job is secure at least. if they both lose employment, they are F'd. Safer to put her energy into getting him employed.

How convenient that she can stay on the mommy track and kick back and complain.

It's called maintaining stable employment. Why do you hate teachers, or her? Weird, chill.

Did you read her OP? She’s being a total B to her husband and wants to keep her mommy track job and blame him for their marriage falling apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women can be extremely unforgiving when they perceive that their husbands ruined whatever perfect life they had. I have seen many men loose their wives, end up depressed and just miserable from the enormous pressure that their wives put on them when they loose their jobs.

Well, if the division of labor in their family has been:
Woman - cook, clean, childcare, social life, family connections, holiday planner, vacation planner
Man , earn money to fund life, enjoy life woman provides and take credit for kids" success

Then he doesn't hold jo his end of the bargain and you want to blame the woman? Crazy! When the house if dirty and the kids go off the rails, does he take the blame? No it's the mom's fault.

A better split is the both work and split everything else. Then when one loses a job not everything goes pear shaped and he can lean into more of the household duties as he looks for a job and she can lean more into work for a promotion.

With the amount of projecting in this comment, you should consider being a fiction writer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the special needs twin mom PP. People just don’t realize how brutal it is. Things my spouse has already done- paid for executive coach (eventually she ran out of feedback for him, said he’s already doing everything humanly possible). He’s gotten into the best shape of his life. Wardrobe and hair are good. Works on career stuff 40+ hours a week (along the lines of consulting for what he previously did). There’s only a few dozen firms in the world that hire for what he does and he’s already in touch with all of them…they’re just not hiring for now and it’s hard to know how long to wait for the market to turn before pivoting completely to try and start over on another highly paid track.

We have already cut the expenses we can- we don’t eat out, travel, cut all housekeeping and childcare help, etc, but what actually moves the needle- our insane healthcare expenses- we don’t feel like we can cut. Not without risking our severely speech delayed preschoolers ever being able to speak fluently. If not for their needs we could just downsize and be set for life, but we need the “big job” health insurance to cover ABA, speech, OT, therapies, future $$$$ autism private school tuition, etc.

I don’t express any anger at my husband (it really isn’t his fault anyway) and I tell him someday it will all work out for the best. It rings pretty hollow though.

All that to say- OP, hang in there.

Then he needs to switch careers or you look for FT work and he takes care of the twins.

My spouse and I both lost our jobs after 2008 (years after but connected to it) and we both had to change fields. We could not get roles in our fields. We also took lower level roles and worked our way up. Everyone right now is fighting for the top jobs and the top salaries. It’s about getting in, working hard and working your way up or pivoting after a couple years for more $. In this day and age you use your skill set and sell the skill set and switch your field or apply to different sectors to see what sticks.

You don’t need the big job health insurance. You could go work in a school or a state office and get great healthcare. A friends husband was laid off in private sector and he ended up getting a job with the state. She said their insurance is so much better covers so much more and is way cheaper. She has 3 kids two with SN. So maybe you should look into that or he can! State or local jobs in your area might have great health insurance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the special needs twin mom PP. People just don’t realize how brutal it is. Things my spouse has already done- paid for executive coach (eventually she ran out of feedback for him, said he’s already doing everything humanly possible). He’s gotten into the best shape of his life. Wardrobe and hair are good. Works on career stuff 40+ hours a week (along the lines of consulting for what he previously did). There’s only a few dozen firms in the world that hire for what he does and he’s already in touch with all of them…they’re just not hiring for now and it’s hard to know how long to wait for the market to turn before pivoting completely to try and start over on another highly paid track.

We have already cut the expenses we can- we don’t eat out, travel, cut all housekeeping and childcare help, etc, but what actually moves the needle- our insane healthcare expenses- we don’t feel like we can cut. Not without risking our severely speech delayed preschoolers ever being able to speak fluently. If not for their needs we could just downsize and be set for life, but we need the “big job” health insurance to cover ABA, speech, OT, therapies, future $$$$ autism private school tuition, etc.

I don’t express any anger at my husband (it really isn’t his fault anyway) and I tell him someday it will all work out for the best. It rings pretty hollow though.

All that to say- OP, hang in there.

Then he needs to switch careers or you look for FT work and he takes care of the twins.

My spouse and I both lost our jobs after 2008 (years after but connected to it) and we both had to change fields. We could not get roles in our fields. We also took lower level roles and worked our way up. Everyone right now is fighting for the top jobs and the top salaries. It’s about getting in, working hard and working your way up or pivoting after a couple years for more $. In this day and age you use your skill set and sell the skill set and switch your field or apply to different sectors to see what sticks.

You don’t need the big job health insurance. You could go work in a school or a state office and get great healthcare. A friends husband was laid off in private sector and he ended up getting a job with the state. She said their insurance is so much better covers so much more and is way cheaper. She has 3 kids two with SN. So maybe you should look into that or he can! State or local jobs in your area might have great health insurance.

I think mental health and orthodontic and such is only a perk for executives. It may be good for health care, but PP wants an employer kicking in for executive function coaching, speech therapy, social skills group etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should get a second job. He should be working at McDonald’s if he has to.

I have been looking for jobs that pay more money. Ive told my husband he has to give up on finding a new job in his career and just find something else, like working in a restaurant, as you suggest. He hasnt gotten there yet because he is determined to keep his career.

NP. Until you actually find a job that pays a lot more money, I don’t think you have a leg to stand on here. You seem to be criticizing him for the same issue you are having yourself.

Well the purpose of my post was seeking out people who have been in this situation who could share their story. That doesnt seem to be you np. If you read my prior comment, my dh not only supported my decision to work in education but encouraged it because he probably never envisioned that this would happen to him.

Yes, sweetie, and now your situation has changed and you need to find a new job.

Her job is secure at least. if they both lose employment, they are F'd. Safer to put her energy into getting him employed.

How convenient that she can stay on the mommy track and kick back and complain.

It's called maintaining stable employment. Why do you hate teachers, or her? Weird, chill.

+1. I also wonder what lucrative job options are out there for teachers to begin with? You cannot discount the stability, health benefits, and pension her job brings right now. Not to mention childcare costs go up if you’re no longer off on school breaks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should get a second job. He should be working at McDonald’s if he has to.

I have been looking for jobs that pay more money. Ive told my husband he has to give up on finding a new job in his career and just find something else, like working in a restaurant, as you suggest. He hasnt gotten there yet because he is determined to keep his career.

NP. Until you actually find a job that pays a lot more money, I don’t think you have a leg to stand on here. You seem to be criticizing him for the same issue you are having yourself.

Well the purpose of my post was seeking out people who have been in this situation who could share their story. That doesnt seem to be you np. If you read my prior comment, my dh not only supported my decision to work in education but encouraged it because he probably never envisioned that this would happen to him.

Yes, sweetie, and now your situation has changed and you need to find a new job.

Her job is secure at least. if they both lose employment, they are F'd. Safer to put her energy into getting him employed.

How convenient that she can stay on the mommy track and kick back and complain.

It's called maintaining stable employment. Why do you hate teachers, or her? Weird, chill.

+1. I also wonder what lucrative job options are out there for teachers to begin with? You cannot discount the stability, health benefits, and pension her job brings right now. Not to mention childcare costs go up if you’re no longer off on school breaks.

Maybe she won’t find anything but she should be looking. Just because she sidled up to the easy trough early doesn’t mean she can just complain now rather than at least try to step up.

Minimum she could look at becoming a vice principal or similar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should get a second job. He should be working at McDonald’s if he has to.

She should get a second job to support her husband in his job search when he isn't working? He needs to take a job or two to earn income and continue his job search.

[Anonymous]

My husband got laid off when our second baby was a month old. Thankfully I had already started on anxiety medication at that time or I don't know what would have happened.
I went back to work from maternity leave a couple weeks early. I was also in a mommy track job (part time healthcare) and told my boss I wanted as many extra hours as possible explaining the situation. Meanwhile my husband did the SAHD thing while job hunting. I did not pressure him at all. He painted the house, fixed a bunch of things, cleaned closets -- he's a better housekeeper than I am!
It took months but he ended up landing on his feet and I got to go back to my mommy track hours. Please be calm and do your best. Anger is not going to make this go faster.

[Anonymous]

Op you are not a passenger in the game of life. What did you do to reduce expenses so that you had a big safety net? What extra tutoring are you now taking on to help your family through this tough time? Many people live on in much lower salaries than you have enjoyed and somehow they make it work. You come off spoiled and entitled frankly, and sound like a gold digger. Did you marry a person or a big house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the special needs twin mom PP. People just don’t realize how brutal it is. Things my spouse has already done- paid for executive coach (eventually she ran out of feedback for him, said he’s already doing everything humanly possible). He’s gotten into the best shape of his life. Wardrobe and hair are good. Works on career stuff 40+ hours a week (along the lines of consulting for what he previously did). There’s only a few dozen firms in the world that hire for what he does and he’s already in touch with all of them…they’re just not hiring for now and it’s hard to know how long to wait for the market to turn before pivoting completely to try and start over on another highly paid track.

We have already cut the expenses we can- we don’t eat out, travel, cut all housekeeping and childcare help, etc, but what actually moves the needle- our insane healthcare expenses- we don’t feel like we can cut. Not without risking our severely speech delayed preschoolers ever being able to speak fluently. If not for their needs we could just downsize and be set for life, but we need the “big job” health insurance to cover ABA, speech, OT, therapies, future $$$$ autism private school tuition, etc.

I don’t express any anger at my husband (it really isn’t his fault anyway) and I tell him someday it will all work out for the best. It rings pretty hollow though.

All that to say- OP, hang in there.

Then he needs to switch careers or you look for FT work and he takes care of the twins.

My spouse and I both lost our jobs after 2008 (years after but connected to it) and we both had to change fields. We could not get roles in our fields. We also took lower level roles and worked our way up. Everyone right now is fighting for the top jobs and the top salaries. It’s about getting in, working hard and working your way up or pivoting after a couple years for more $. In this day and age you use your skill set and sell the skill set and switch your field or apply to different sectors to see what sticks.

You don’t need the big job health insurance. You could go work in a school or a state office and get great healthcare. A friends husband was laid off in private sector and he ended up getting a job with the state. She said their insurance is so much better covers so much more and is way cheaper. She has 3 kids two with SN. So maybe you should look into that or he can! State or local jobs in your area might have great health insurance.

I think mental health and orthodontic and such is only a perk for executives. It may be good for health care, but PP wants an employer kicking in for executive function coaching, speech therapy, social skills group etc.

My friend’s two kids need these and she says all she pays is a $5 copay (for in network) with her husband’s state health insurance. In private sector it cost them a lot more (and he was MD level).

All I am saying in interim if they don’t want to pay for COBRA she could look at roles locally through the government and schools to at least get good healthcare.

I grew up needing care for some medical issues that resolved after many years. It’s not perfect but I’m better. Even then health insurance was an issue. I was at Boston Children’s Hospital multiple times a month for all my specialists and am grateful my family figured it out. Everybody was at Children’s so imagine how much school I missed. I understand how expensive these things are and how vital they can be.

[Anonymous]

I think wife should quit her job. Put a Rock on his Back money wise and then hen peck him to death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should get a second job. He should be working at McDonald’s if he has to.

I have been looking for jobs that pay more money. Ive told my husband he has to give up on finding a new job in his career and just find something else, like working in a restaurant, as you suggest. He hasnt gotten there yet because he is determined to keep his career.

NP. Until you actually find a job that pays a lot more money, I don’t think you have a leg to stand on here. You seem to be criticizing him for the same issue you are having yourself.

Well the purpose of my post was seeking out people who have been in this situation who could share their story. That doesnt seem to be you np. If you read my prior comment, my dh not only supported my decision to work in education but encouraged it because he probably never envisioned that this would happen to him.

Yes, sweetie, and now your situation has changed and you need to find a new job.

Her job is secure at least. if they both lose employment, they are F'd. Safer to put her energy into getting him employed.

How convenient that she can stay on the mommy track and kick back and complain.

It's called maintaining stable employment. Why do you hate teachers, or her? Weird, chill.

+1. I also wonder what lucrative job options are out there for teachers to begin with? You cannot discount the stability, health benefits, and pension her job brings right now. Not to mention childcare costs go up if you’re no longer off on school breaks.

Maybe she won’t find anything but she should be looking. Just because she sidled up to the easy trough early doesn’t mean she can just complain now rather than at least try to step up.

Minimum she could look at becoming a vice principal or similar.

Clearly someone who has no experience in the field, lol.

And this is lierally the first time I've seen teaching referred to as an "easy trough." Again, lol. You're clueless.