What should college dc be told about our divorce? DH is cheating and leaving to pursue a relationship with his mistress.

[Anonymous]

OP curious as to his responses to what you said above. He’s blowing up the entire family right before the holidays and the kid’s exams. Where’s the freaking fire? Marriages end but jfc. How much of a hurry does this guy have to be in to burn it down this way after a 2 decade marriage?? I really don’t understand these types.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry OP. My whore husband did the same to me last year.

And it was all his fault? He left because... you were a great DW?

But biggest flaw is his victim mentality. Everything in life “happened” to him.

OMG - OP here and this is my dh to a t. And I have tried to get him to reframe his mindset for 30 years. Even something as simple as having a small fender bender caused by him. He can't frame this stuff as "I had a small accident". He framed it as "The car got hurt." When we had our conversation the other day I didn't argue with any of the accusations he threw at me. I just said "you're really building a rock solid case against me in your mind but I'm not hearing you accept any responsibility for the collapse of this relationship. Even if all the things you think about me were true, you're missing a really important element and that part is your role." He has never wanted to go to therapy for himself. He's been fine all these years with me seeing someone (though I don't have a therapist at the moment...) and probably convinced himself that he doesn't need it because I am the one who needs fixing. Hell yeah I need fixing but in this situation it's going to be so challenging to work things out with someone who has zero tools to rely on.

You have also not taken responsibility for not working or being financially responsible or contributing to the costs of being an adult and parent for the last four years. Sounds like both of you play the victim and blame others.

If you blame everything on him, your kids are going to get tired of that. Be factual about the cheating. But if you blame him for your choice and decision to not work or other issues in your relationship - you are really no different from him.

[Anonymous]

just lie and say it’s totally amicable and you just grew apart

Weird take a bad advice. Per your premise DC will somehow be ok with this situation minus the affair info? The whole things sucks and yes it will be on OP to manage as DH had clearly gone awol but she seems to have her head on straight. “Dad met someone else” is not salacious, is factual, and frankly, is not what will matter most to the kid. The change and marriage breakup is what matters, but doesn’t mean kid should get some lie spun by mom as if she’s in cahoots with dad. Mom can be kid’s advocate without weirdly lying for DH.

I’ve been through this. Dad left, married AP, yadayada. It happens. My mom was factual and has never in 40 years trashed my dad. I have great respect for my and also know exactly how poor my dad’s decisions were. And I have a good relationship with him.

[Anonymous]

You have also not taken responsibility for not working or being financially responsible or contributing to the costs of being an adult and parent for the last four years.

Where did OP say any of this??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry OP. My whore husband did the same to me last year.

And it was all his fault? He left because... you were a great DW?

But biggest flaw is his victim mentality. Everything in life “happened” to him.

OMG - OP here and this is my dh to a t. And I have tried to get him to reframe his mindset for 30 years. Even something as simple as having a small fender bender caused by him. He can't frame this stuff as "I had a small accident". He framed it as "The car got hurt." When we had our conversation the other day I didn't argue with any of the accusations he threw at me. I just said "you're really building a rock solid case against me in your mind but I'm not hearing you accept any responsibility for the collapse of this relationship. Even if all the things you think about me were true, you're missing a really important element and that part is your role." He has never wanted to go to therapy for himself. He's been fine all these years with me seeing someone (though I don't have a therapist at the moment...) and probably convinced himself that he doesn't need it because I am the one who needs fixing. Hell yeah I need fixing but in this situation it's going to be so challenging to work things out with someone who has zero tools to rely on.

You have also not taken responsibility for not working or being financially responsible or contributing to the costs of being an adult and parent for the last four years. Sounds like both of you play the victim and blame others.

If you blame everything on him, your kids are going to get tired of that. Be factual about the cheating. But if you blame him for your choice and decision to not work or other issues in your relationship - you are really no different from him.

DP. I cant find where OP says she does not and never did work, but even if she is/was an SAHM -- WTF are you blaming her for? Many famillies have one SAH parent, an arrangement usually thought through, discussed and agreed upon by BOTH spouses as the best thing for the family. You seem to be in the camp of "women who do not bring in an income are responsible for their own demise." No, not if they and a spouse who later cheated and left had agreed on, and arranged family finances around, a needed SAH arrangement.

Saying, as you do above, that somehow a woman's SAH status is a reason to blame and shame HER when her DH cheats and leaves -- that's sick. You must have been badly burned by being left with nothing when your DH left, or you're the angry ex-DH who is furious you have to pay your ex-wife a penny. Either way, treating the idea of "no income-producing job outside the home" as equivalent to "you're just as as bad as your cheating DH" is simply insane. (And before you bash at me--I've been both in a career and SAH.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You have also not taken responsibility for not working or being financially responsible or contributing to the costs of being an adult and parent for the last four years.

Where did OP say any of this??

Yeah, that PP insisting that OP was never "financially responsible or contributing to the costs of being an adult and parent" is nuts. Also, someone who has an ax to grind about SAH (which saves a fortune in child care over the years, so that's....a financial contribution). My money is on it being a furious ex-DH who has to pay alimony and/or child support.

[Anonymous]

What should college dc be told ...

This is the wrong approach. The answer is, he had an affair and is leaving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP curious as to his responses to what you said above. He’s blowing up the entire family right before the holidays and the kid’s exams. Where’s the freaking fire? Marriages end but jfc. How much of a hurry does this guy have to be in to burn it down this way after a 2 decade marriage?? I really don’t understand these types.

Avoidant narcissists or borderlines truly don’t care about anyone but themselves.
As my whore husband said “ if I’m happy, the kids will be happy”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry OP. My whore husband did the same to me last year.

And it was all his fault? He left because... you were a great DW?

But biggest flaw is his victim mentality. Everything in life “happened” to him.

OMG - OP here and this is my dh to a t. And I have tried to get him to reframe his mindset for 30 years. Even something as simple as having a small fender bender caused by him. He can't frame this stuff as "I had a small accident". He framed it as "The car got hurt." When we had our conversation the other day I didn't argue with any of the accusations he threw at me. I just said "you're really building a rock solid case against me in your mind but I'm not hearing you accept any responsibility for the collapse of this relationship. Even if all the things you think about me were true, you're missing a really important element and that part is your role." He has never wanted to go to therapy for himself. He's been fine all these years with me seeing someone (though I don't have a therapist at the moment...) and probably convinced himself that he doesn't need it because I am the one who needs fixing. Hell yeah I need fixing but in this situation it's going to be so challenging to work things out with someone who has zero tools to rely on.

You have also not taken responsibility for not working or being financially responsible or contributing to the costs of being an adult and parent for the last four years. Sounds like both of you play the victim and blame others.

If you blame everything on him, your kids are going to get tired of that. Be factual about the cheating. But if you blame him for your choice and decision to not work or other issues in your relationship - you are really no different from him.

Actually for years *I* was the higher earner. It was *my* money that provided the downpayment for our first house. When my industry imploded because of the Pandemic, dh said to take it easy and not stress because now his business was doing so well that my income if I went back to work would just be a tax liability. And I trusted him because we've been together more than 30 years. So F you very much

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I’ve been through this. Dad left, married AP, yadayada. It happens. My mom was factual and has never in 40 years trashed my dad. I have great respect for my and also know exactly how poor my dad’s decisions were. And I have a good relationship with him.

I’m curious how you (or any adult children in this situation)still have a good relationship with him even though he is morally bankrupt, 100% selfish and chose to tear apart your family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP curious as to his responses to what you said above. He’s blowing up the entire family right before the holidays and the kid’s exams. Where’s the freaking fire? Marriages end but jfc. How much of a hurry does this guy have to be in to burn it down this way after a 2 decade marriage?? I really don’t understand these types.

I think he's in the throes of infatuation or in love or whatever and is blinded by it. He's always appeared steady and dependable - I'm obviously second guessing all that now. He literally doesn't care about anyone at the moment except for his love object, and he simply cannot see beyond that. It seems pretty evident to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't dump your trauma on a college student.

My freshmen college roommate and her brother (upperclassmen) were destroyed when something like this happened to them. They had a very hard time with it. They said they felt like there entire childhood was a lie. They were very depressed and also so angry at their dad. His timing is awful. There is a misconception kids are older it won’t matter/-/but college kids need that safety and security net at home with so much change.

+1

Yeah. Kid needs to be watched after this news. A lot of mental health issues in campuses these days and getting this type of news - out of the blue— can be the impetus for an episode. Kids like a secure home base.

OP - please, read this above said! I’m telling this as a mother who made a mistake and dumped my trauma on my only child in a similar situation
My DS fell very depressed at 17-18, and started abusing substances. First year in college he was diagnosed with episodes of suicide idealization. Your jerk husband is not worth placing your kid under such risk. Be as gentle as you can and yes, just lie and say it’s totally amicable and you just grew apart. Think of your child’s best interests now. Young men in particular are depression prone

+100 sane when my wife’s affair was discovered

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’ve been through this. Dad left, married AP, yadayada. It happens. My mom was factual and has never in 40 years trashed my dad. I have great respect for my and also know exactly how poor my dad’s decisions were. And I have a good relationship with him.

I’m curious how you (or any adult children in this situation)still have a good relationship with him even though he is morally bankrupt, 100% selfish and chose to tear apart your family?

Because people and relationships are complicated?

I don’t think men who are happy in their marriages marry the mistress. That’s not a judgement error, that’s a man totally disengaged from the marriage and moving on.

And, sorry, some women make it an easy choice for them to do that.

[Anonymous]

I would not lie and say it is amicable. (I did lie, but my kid was was 4, as an adult she knows the truth now.) I just would not elaborate or be negative. Dad wishes to pursue a relationship with someone else. It is okay to say you are still processing this new information, but that you know you will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not lie and say it is amicable. (I did lie, but my kid was was 4, as an adult she knows the truth now.) I just would not elaborate or be negative. Dad wishes to pursue a relationship with someone else. It is okay to say you are still processing this new information, but that you know you will be fine.

Speaking for myself and what I was like as a college student, “Dad wishes to pursue a relationship with someone else,” is NOT information I want to have before my winter exams.

I would give a white lie until the summer, and then give this sordid detail after spring exams are over. That gives DS the summer to process what “Dad wishes to pursue a relationship with someone else,” actually means.