I dropped the hosting rope and now ILs think I’m ‘mad’ at them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not reading all 10 pages, but there is dropping the rope and being rude to people in your home. Find the in between. Even when you were doing all the work of hosting, your DH wasn't overtly rude to people. If you are going to do this, you need to learn how to be the non-host or the cohost without being a jerk to people.

The fact that their reaction was to think you were mad at them suggests that your attitude and behavior went beyond dropping the rope on doing the work of hosting. You may have dropped the rope on being a nice person.

Nah, sounds like she was pleasant to them and they expected her to be a servant.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

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If it’s so easy to make a reservation why didn’t lame DH do it? - Team OP

Is it so hard to be polite? Why didn't OP due the bare minimum of being nice to people in her home?

Because she’s tired of doing everything, so she spoke up and said they were welcome to visit, but she wouldn’t be hosting. See how that works? She was tired, so she communicated clearly that she wasn’t hosting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Hi there! And yer her husband failed at even that simple task by waiting until the last minute.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Right. So then all the work falls back on OP. And it’s now her fault if the kids are brought into it. No thanks.

What work? Booking a reservation? That's a lot of work to do. It takes less effort that writing the multi paragraph post. It's not making beds, coffee, or small talk.

WHICH HER HUSBAND, THEIR SON, COULD NOT BE BOTHERED TO DO.

Stop drinking the tired sexist Kool-Aid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Hi there! And yer her husband failed at even that simple task by waiting until the last minute.

Hilariously, not quite. He didn’t get a dinner reservation. He didn’t want to get a brunch reservation because of his brilliant pizza plan.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Right. So then all the work falls back on OP. And it’s now her fault if the kids are brought into it. No thanks.

What work? Booking a reservation? That's a lot of work to do. It takes less effort that writing the multi paragraph post. It's not making beds, coffee, or small talk.

Why didn’t DH do it if it wasn’t hard? Hmm?

Not my problem. But I'm not going to eat a greasy store bought chicken just to prove a point. You can cut off your nose to spite your face, I would make a different decision on that one very small thing.

You’re a doormat. We get it. No need to keep reiterating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read the replies, but I think your actual behavior was fine but your text was rude. You should have made it clear that you definitely weren’t mad at them but that DH wanted to be in charge of hosting this event so you let him do that. That it seems like he learned some things so hopefully next time will be smoother. If they have suggestions then feel free to let DH know.

But DH didn’t WANT to be in charge. Don’t lie.

They’re his parents. Too damn bad.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read the replies, but I think your actual behavior was fine but your text was rude. You should have made it clear that you definitely weren’t mad at them but that DH wanted to be in charge of hosting this event so you let him do that. That it seems like he learned some things so hopefully next time will be smoother. If they have suggestions then feel free to let DH know.

But DH didn’t WANT to be in charge. Don’t lie.

They’re his parents. Too damn bad.

Yeah that’s why OP shouldn’t lie. I doubt his mom will believe for a second he just couldn’t wait to change bedsheets for her.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Right. So then all the work falls back on OP. And it’s now her fault if the kids are brought into it. No thanks.

What work? Booking a reservation? That's a lot of work to do. It takes less effort that writing the multi paragraph post. It's not making beds, coffee, or small talk.

Why didn’t DH do it if it wasn’t hard? Hmm?

Not my problem. But I'm not going to eat a greasy store bought chicken just to prove a point. You can cut off your nose to spite your face, I would make a different decision on that one very small thing.

ok way to miss the point but good for you

No I'm not missing the point. I'm just saying on this one issue I would have just booked a reservation b/c I'm not going to choke down gross food to make a point. That is shooting yourself in the foot. Things that impact the ILs like made beds, coffee, chit chat, cleaning, prepping, etc are fair game. But the food is something that impacts me, so I would handle that separately.

NP. I guess some of us figure there are 365 days a year, so if dinner isn’t great on one of those days, there are other days to have a good dinner. And then there’s you, twisting yourself into bitter knots over a rotisserie chicken.

+1. cHoKe dOwN gRoSs fOoD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not reading all 10 pages, but there is dropping the rope and being rude to people in your home. Find the in between. Even when you were doing all the work of hosting, your DH wasn't overtly rude to people. If you are going to do this, you need to learn how to be the non-host or the cohost without being a jerk to people.

The fact that their reaction was to think you were mad at them suggests that your attitude and behavior went beyond dropping the rope on doing the work of hosting. You may have dropped the rope on being a nice person.

Nah, sounds like she was pleasant to them and they expected her to be a servant.

Agree she wasn’t rude. However, to her in laws not carrying the burden f hosting and giving them a magical evening is rude. They don’t expect their son to do this and they know she is capable. So why isn’t she doing her duty and serving them?? That’s the attitude you are dealing with here.

Dropping the rope really requires not caring what the in laws think. My SIL always gripes about not getting gifts, calls etc but it’s up to DH to do this. MIL wanted me to buy everyone gifts and put her name on them. Nope. Gifts are not necessary. If she wants people fawning over the perfect gifts she gave, she can lift her fat finger to buy them.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Right. So then all the work falls back on OP. And it’s now her fault if the kids are brought into it. No thanks.

What work? Booking a reservation? That's a lot of work to do. It takes less effort that writing the multi paragraph post. It's not making beds, coffee, or small talk.

Why didn’t DH do it if it wasn’t hard? Hmm?

Not my problem. But I'm not going to eat a greasy store bought chicken just to prove a point. You can cut off your nose to spite your face, I would make a different decision on that one very small thing.

ok way to miss the point but good for you

No I'm not missing the point. I'm just saying on this one issue I would have just booked a reservation b/c I'm not going to choke down gross food to make a point. That is shooting yourself in the foot. Things that impact the ILs like made beds, coffee, chit chat, cleaning, prepping, etc are fair game. But the food is something that impacts me, so I would handle that separately.

NP. I guess some of us figure there are 365 days a year, so if dinner isn’t great on one of those days, there are other days to have a good dinner. And then there’s you, twisting yourself into bitter knots over a rotisserie chicken.

No, there's me just making a reservation. Then there's you getting bent out of shape that I would have done something different that took almost no effort than you. Maybe just move on and accept that people are different. There's no right answer here and OP isn't sitting there smug and satisfied with herself either with her "can't win for losing" attitude.

I didn’t realize dinner at a place that requires a reservation was free. If I were OP, I wouldn’t want to buy dinner for ILs who can’t even make their own coffee, either.

Who pays is a separate issue. My ILs always pay. My parents insist on splitting the bill. So if it involved my ILs I would make the reservation knowing they would be footing the bill. But if this is the hill you want to die on, so be it.

The hill *I* want to die on? Babe, I ate at a restaurant with my parents, ILs, and my brother and his significant other for Easter. We had a great time! But you telling OP “just do it, it’s so easy” is rich. If it’s easy, DH can do it. If he didn’t do it, that’s on him, not her. OP’s frustration here is not “I ate rotisserie chicken” it’s “I communicated with my husband and dropped the rope, and somehow MIL is texting me because it wasn’t a great visit.” OK?

Darling, I'm not going to eat crap food to prove a point, have I not made that clear yet? What a silly waste of time and calories. And I never told OP to "just do it" I said that's where I would draw the line. I would just do it myself. Sorry you don't like that. OP doesn't sound too confident in her decisions if she's complaining here about it.

Ohhh, now I get it, Almond Mom. Some of us don’t plan our entire day around one dinner. It’s not a big deal. We know we’ll eat again tomorrow, so if today’s dinner isn’t amah-zing, we just enjoy other parts of our day and move on with our lives. We’re not all obsessed with food and how many calories we eat. Sorry you don’t like that.

+1. LOL, she really outed herself there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh! I would never do anything to create ill-will among my relatives or friends just to prove a silly point. Besides, what do I gain by putting my DH down? I married him, didn't I? What does that say about my ability to pick a good spouse?

I have a very straightforward approach. I outsource to the fullest extent if my DH is not willing to help. My cleaning lady will do "projects' for $25 an hour. CHange bedsheets in the guest room? Clean the garage? Set the table and chafing dishes before a party? Set out tables and chairs? Serve drinks and appetizers? She does it all. Of course, I supervise her and am organized about what needs to be done. In fact, when I hire cleaners, I am very clear that I will need help with these kinds of tasks too.

Similarly, DH was dilly-dallying with yard cleanup and mulching and I paid a landscaper to do it for $400. He was aghast - "This is $100 an hour!!"

Uh huh. Sure it is. We could have done this work ourselves for a fraction of the cost but you were not too keen and I do not want to nag.

I am a generally happy person. I just don't see these kinds of things as problems. When money can solve an issue then it is not a problem, it is just an expense. Learn to differentiate between problems and expenses.

How is it “proving a point” to communicate to DH that you won’t be hosting, and then not host? That’s literally doing what you say you will (or won’t) do.

How is it “putting DH down” to tell him you won’t be hosting, and then not host? How is it “putting DH down” to tell MIL the direct truth, when asked?

PP won’t understand. She’s above it all. She doesn’t have problems like the rest of us plebs do.

+1 She can throw money at all her problems. Nothing need rise above the level of "silly" when you have that kind of cash.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Right. So then all the work falls back on OP. And it’s now her fault if the kids are brought into it. No thanks.

What work? Booking a reservation? That's a lot of work to do. It takes less effort that writing the multi paragraph post. It's not making beds, coffee, or small talk.

WHICH HER HUSBAND, THEIR SON, COULD NOT BE BOTHERED TO DO.

Stop drinking the tired sexist Kool-Aid.

I think OP's husband learned a lot this Easter that he can apply to future visits. One: make the next reservation early. Two, change the sheets on the bed before they come...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you were upset about how your husband was handling everything during the visit (or lack thereof), your in laws may have picked up on the tension and assumed either there were marital problems or that you were angry with them. She might have been trying to test the waters a bit when she reached out to you, not knowing which one was going on, if that makes sense.

Wow! What a huge boundary to cross if that's true. Trying to get the scoop on your DS's marital problems by calling your DIL!

[Anonymous]

This thread really makes me realize how closely we associate women helping with being nice and how that dynamic doesn’t really apply with men. A “nice” woman is putting in a lot of extra effort around a house whether hosting or visiting. Meanwhile, I think a lot of people perceive men as “nice” just for being polite and engaging in basic conversation and that’s it.

I can’t imagine most parents thinking a husband is not nice or is mad at them because he didn’t set out coffee the night before. A woman is more easily deemed unlikeable because she isn’t helping with dinner or offering to do the dishes etc.

I’m glad there is more awareness around this and people are changing this traditional way of thinking