Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, as someone who has also been through this myself (still married 12 years later), I put a lot more stock in the advice of those of us who have been there. It’s real easy to say you’d end it and walk, but when you’re facing down divorce with two young kids and you have a husband who made a terrible mistake and is doing everything he can to show you he’s deeply regretful, it’s not so easy.

Your choice is no longer unfaithful husband versus faithful one. Your choice is now this husband as he is OR divorce with shared custody and a more tenuous financial situation. I wouldn’t blame you for choosing divorce, but choose it carefully.

I have to point out that it's not 'a mistake' OP's DH made. It's a regular mistake over a 3 year period. That's a long standing pattern. She also doesn't really know that it was sex on a single trip. She only knows what he has confessed so far. Maybe your experience with a cheating spouse is different but many of us are familiar with the slow trickle of admissions that comes when there is no other choice. And, finally, OP's DH has not done everything he can to show he's remorseful. It's only a few days since he was caught.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hope you’re hanging in there. No matter what happens, you will get through this.

I would have a hard time believing this Canadian women is the first/only woman he’s hooked up with. Maybe he hasn’t cheated with anyone since meeting her, but I doubt she was the first.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry, OP. That sounds awful. Remember that you have the choice to stay or leave. You are in control. Right now, you are angry and hurt, but take all the time you need to process what you’ve learned about your husband and decide what’s best for you and your kids. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as someone who has also been through this myself (still married 12 years later), I put a lot more stock in the advice of those of us who have been there. It’s real easy to say you’d end it and walk, but when you’re facing down divorce with two young kids and you have a husband who made a terrible mistake and is doing everything he can to show you he’s deeply regretful, it’s not so easy.

Your choice is no longer unfaithful husband versus faithful one. Your choice is now this husband as he is OR divorce with shared custody and a more tenuous financial situation. I wouldn’t blame you for choosing divorce, but choose it carefully.

I have to point out that it's not 'a mistake' OP's DH made. It's a regular mistake over a 3 year period. That's a long standing pattern. She also doesn't really know that it was sex on a single trip. She only knows what he has confessed so far. Maybe your experience with a cheating spouse is different but many of us are familiar with the slow trickle of admissions that comes when there is no other choice. And, finally, OP's DH has not done everything he can to show he's remorseful. It's only a few days since he was caught.

Oh I was talking about my situation. But your point is consistent with mine - there are many many shades of gray on this. It’s not so easy as cheating = divorce and everyone has to figure out where their line is when they’re actually in it. As someone who had two young kids, my line was a lot more lenient than it would have been if I didn’t have kids for example. I had a husband who was extremely remorseful and did everything he could to regain my trust. And no it didn’t all come out right away, I learned the trith over a period of week or so because it was so traumatic, to some degree for him too.

I think my main thing is that OP (and others) should take no stock in the “I would leave anyone that cheats on my, period” people. If you haven’t been there, you have no idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was one drunken hookup 3 years ago, and after that just texting. Think carefully how big a deal you want to make of this.

Sexting is cheating, you sad little doormat

I disagree with PP. yes it’s terrible your husband cheated and has been texting. But do you want to blow up your family and spend 50% of time with your kids over it? Are text messages worth losing your family home and seeing your kids every other holiday?

I’d lay down the law and put an end to this. I’d maybe go to counseling and make it clear you don’t put up with this. Then I’d continue on with life.

Or you can act like a lot of the crazies on this board who compare cheating to murder and write unhinged paragraphs about how they have been wronged.

Sexting is not simply texting. If you actually understand what sexting is, and you’re fine staying with a spouse who would do that with other women, go for it. I could never, personally.

I didn’t say I was fine with it. There’s a lot of space between being okay with it and blowing up your life over it.

For me, the cheating itself would be the “blowing up my life” part of it. Trying to continue in a marriage with someone who I could never fully trust or love again would be like a slow death.

But people have different sorts of marriages, so YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was one drunken hookup 3 years ago, and after that just texting. Think carefully how big a deal you want to make of this.

Sexting is cheating, you sad little doormat

I disagree with PP. yes it’s terrible your husband cheated and has been texting. But do you want to blow up your family and spend 50% of time with your kids over it? Are text messages worth losing your family home and seeing your kids every other holiday?

I’d lay down the law and put an end to this. I’d maybe go to counseling and make it clear you don’t put up with this. Then I’d continue on with life.

Or you can act like a lot of the crazies on this board who compare cheating to murder and write unhinged paragraphs about how they have been wronged.

I honestly think a lot of these women would be less upset if they found out their husbands had murdered someone in cold blood. It's so strange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as someone who has also been through this myself (still married 12 years later), I put a lot more stock in the advice of those of us who have been there. It’s real easy to say you’d end it and walk, but when you’re facing down divorce with two young kids and you have a husband who made a terrible mistake and is doing everything he can to show you he’s deeply regretful, it’s not so easy.

Your choice is no longer unfaithful husband versus faithful one. Your choice is now this husband as he is OR divorce with shared custody and a more tenuous financial situation. I wouldn’t blame you for choosing divorce, but choose it carefully.

I have to point out that it's not 'a mistake' OP's DH made. It's a regular mistake over a 3 year period. That's a long standing pattern. She also doesn't really know that it was sex on a single trip. She only knows what he has confessed so far. Maybe your experience with a cheating spouse is different but many of us are familiar with the slow trickle of admissions that comes when there is no other choice. And, finally, OP's DH has not done everything he can to show he's remorseful. It's only a few days since he was caught.

Oh I was talking about my situation. But your point is consistent with mine - there are many many shades of gray on this. It’s not so easy as cheating = divorce and everyone has to figure out where their line is when they’re actually in it. As someone who had two young kids, my line was a lot more lenient than it would have been if I didn’t have kids for example. I had a husband who was extremely remorseful and did everything he could to regain my trust. And no it didn’t all come out right away, I learned the trith over a period of week or so because it was so traumatic, to some degree for him too.

I think my main thing is that OP (and others) should take no stock in the “I would leave anyone that cheats on my, period” people. If you haven’t been there, you have no idea.

My husband has never cheated (as far as I know) so I haven’t been here, but I used to think cheating was automatic divorce until DD, who has major anxiety, started saying how thankful she was that her parents were married because she has friends whose parents are divorced and it’s a bit struggle for them. My parents are divorced and while it was a struggle it wasn’t *that* big of a deal so I was surprised to hear DD say that. Now, honestly, there are very few things that would make me leave my husband while my kids are in the house and cheating isn’t one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was one drunken hookup 3 years ago, and after that just texting. Think carefully how big a deal you want to make of this.

Sexting is cheating, you sad little doormat

I disagree with PP. yes it’s terrible your husband cheated and has been texting. But do you want to blow up your family and spend 50% of time with your kids over it? Are text messages worth losing your family home and seeing your kids every other holiday?

I’d lay down the law and put an end to this. I’d maybe go to counseling and make it clear you don’t put up with this. Then I’d continue on with life.

Or you can act like a lot of the crazies on this board who compare cheating to murder and write unhinged paragraphs about how they have been wronged.

I honestly think a lot of these women would be less upset if they found out their husbands had murdered someone in cold blood. It's so strange.

I’m the immediate PP who said that cheating wouldn’t make me divorce but I don’t see how people can read many stories of how traumatic long-term cheating is for the betrayed spouse and say things like this. If they are acting crazy it’s because the people who are supposed to love them the most have destroyed the very foundations of their lives. It’s not the random dramatic betrayed spouse who says it takes years to get over the symptoms of PTSD and their ability to trust never comes back; the vast majority say that. People who roll their eyes at women who report those impacts are emotionally incompetent and nobody should take their comments seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you really believe he hasn't met up with her somewhere in three years. that sounds like BS. Anyhow, a three year long emotional affair is pretty bad too.

Agree. It was not a one-time thing. Maybe she traveled to your city.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as someone who has also been through this myself (still married 12 years later), I put a lot more stock in the advice of those of us who have been there. It’s real easy to say you’d end it and walk, but when you’re facing down divorce with two young kids and you have a husband who made a terrible mistake and is doing everything he can to show you he’s deeply regretful, it’s not so easy.

Your choice is no longer unfaithful husband versus faithful one. Your choice is now this husband as he is OR divorce with shared custody and a more tenuous financial situation. I wouldn’t blame you for choosing divorce, but choose it carefully.

I have to point out that it's not 'a mistake' OP's DH made. It's a regular mistake over a 3 year period. That's a long standing pattern. She also doesn't really know that it was sex on a single trip. She only knows what he has confessed so far. Maybe your experience with a cheating spouse is different but many of us are familiar with the slow trickle of admissions that comes when there is no other choice. And, finally, OP's DH has not done everything he can to show he's remorseful. It's only a few days since he was caught.

Oh I was talking about my situation. But your point is consistent with mine - there are many many shades of gray on this. It’s not so easy as cheating = divorce and everyone has to figure out where their line is when they’re actually in it. As someone who had two young kids, my line was a lot more lenient than it would have been if I didn’t have kids for example. I had a husband who was extremely remorseful and did everything he could to regain my trust. And no it didn’t all come out right away, I learned the trith over a period of week or so because it was so traumatic, to some degree for him too.

I think my main thing is that OP (and others) should take no stock in the “I would leave anyone that cheats on my, period” people. If you haven’t been there, you have no idea.

NP here, but I'm one of the people who says that cheaters typically do not change their stripes, and not without a massive amount of emotional investment that most people are not willing to do. Like you, I was cheated on and chose to stay, and like you it was for the sake of our children. Like you, I thought my partner was remorseful and would have said he did "all the right things."

Unlike you, I found out after 15 years of marriage that the first affair (the one I found out about three years in) was not the first, and that he'd been unfaithful multiple times since then. When I tell you I had no idea, that's an understatement. He was utterly transparent with me, we often used each other's phones just out of convenience, knew each other's friends, visited each other's places of employment. Not only did I not suspect cheating, I would have said it was impossible if you'd asked. I would have said the first time was an abberation, the result of freaking out about becoming a father, and that he'd done the work to fix it. It was all a lie.

So I tell people like the OP to get out because I'm speaking from a place of experience. Someone who can carry on a three-year deception is someone who fundamentally disrespects his partner, and his children, and everyone who he's lied to in that time. He has spent time, money, and emotional energy that he could have invested in his wife and family, and he was not remorseful until the very moment he got caught. You just can't fix that level of broken, and OP is better off learning that now than investing any more time trying to fix someone who just doesn't have the emotional tools for monogamy.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you. I have been reading along with everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was one drunken hookup 3 years ago, and after that just texting. Think carefully how big a deal you want to make of this.

Sexting is cheating, you sad little doormat

I disagree with PP. yes it’s terrible your husband cheated and has been texting. But do you want to blow up your family and spend 50% of time with your kids over it? Are text messages worth losing your family home and seeing your kids every other holiday?

I’d lay down the law and put an end to this. I’d maybe go to counseling and make it clear you don’t put up with this. Then I’d continue on with life.

Or you can act like a lot of the crazies on this board who compare cheating to murder and write unhinged paragraphs about how they have been wronged.

Sexting is not simply texting. If you actually understand what sexting is, and you’re fine staying with a spouse who would do that with other women, go for it. I could never, personally.

I didn’t say I was fine with it. There’s a lot of space between being okay with it and blowing up your life over it.

For me, the cheating itself would be the “blowing up my life” part of it. Trying to continue in a marriage with someone who I could never fully trust or love again would be like a slow death.

But people have different sorts of marriages, so YMMV.

I don’t think this is a helpful contribution to the discussion, especially when you imply that people who decide to stay and repair the marriage just have lower standards or are somehow ok with a “slow death.”

I have no dog in this fight, thankfully, but from what I have read a lot of people come out of infidelity with stronger marriages. It’s not a black and white issue.

[Anonymous]

Any updates OP?

[Anonymous]

How’s it going, OP? I hope it is some tiny comfort that your DCUM fam is rooting for you back home 🙏

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was one drunken hookup 3 years ago, and after that just texting. Think carefully how big a deal you want to make of this.

Sexting is cheating, you sad little doormat

I disagree with PP. yes it’s terrible your husband cheated and has been texting. But do you want to blow up your family and spend 50% of time with your kids over it? Are text messages worth losing your family home and seeing your kids every other holiday?

I’d lay down the law and put an end to this. I’d maybe go to counseling and make it clear you don’t put up with this. Then I’d continue on with life.

Or you can act like a lot of the crazies on this board who compare cheating to murder and write unhinged paragraphs about how they have been wronged.

I honestly think a lot of these women would be less upset if they found out their husbands had murdered someone in cold blood. It's so strange.

I’m the immediate PP who said that cheating wouldn’t make me divorce but I don’t see how people can read many stories of how traumatic long-term cheating is for the betrayed spouse and say things like this. If they are acting crazy it’s because the people who are supposed to love them the most have destroyed the very foundations of their lives. It’s not the random dramatic betrayed spouse who says it takes years to get over the symptoms of PTSD and their ability to trust never comes back; the vast majority say that. People who roll their eyes at women who report those impacts are emotionally incompetent and nobody should take their comments seriously.

Their spouses probably do love them, they are just a bit bored with having sex with the same person all the time and for the rest of their lives. Sex and love are two very different things for many people, especially men.