If you are married to a big law partner, how involved are they in your family's home life?

[Anonymous]

To the surgeon’s wife

Everyone deserves to be happy and burden free, even you.

I don’t think we should pat you on the back for your taking it for the team. It’s not fair to you.

I think you need to negotiate in your mind what trades are a
acceptable to you. Is it the vacation you live for? Being a transactional type can help.

The downside to selfless compromise: I know a few selfless and sacrificial women who were completely taken advantage of —and emotionally damaged —when their “savior” husband disappointed them. We know hypocrisy is a thing, and it’s hardest for the people on the inside.

I don’t think elevating your sacrificial status is empowering or respectful, at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DCUM always comes to the same conclusion - that partners in top law firms are always miserable - but it just isn't true.

There are definitely top firms where there are plenty of balanced (though certainly hard working) partners. They are exceptionally well paid because they are exceptional: often that means brilliant AS WELL AS socially competent (relationship building is a big part of the job). I think it would be extremely difficult to have that career and do 50% of the labor at home / with a family, but 30%? Sure. Spouse either SAH and takes on the remaining 70% or (more likely) has a low-key career that permits taking on more of the load.

No, it isn't that top law firm partners are always miserable...the ones who care to know their children well are miserable.

[Anonymous]

All of these problems are found in high powered fed jobs. For example, one souse is an Ambassador, DAS, senior-level military, etc. All consuming work and identity. The pay, of course, is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the surgeon’s wife

Everyone deserves to be happy and burden free, even you.

I don’t think we should pat you on the back for your taking it for the team. It’s not fair to you.

I think you need to negotiate in your mind what trades are a
acceptable to you. Is it the vacation you live for? Being a transactional type can help.

The downside to selfless compromise: I know a few selfless and sacrificial women who were completely taken advantage of —and emotionally damaged —when their “savior” husband disappointed them. We know hypocrisy is a thing, and it’s hardest for the people on the inside.

I don’t think elevating your sacrificial status is empowering or respectful, at all.

I tend to agree with this. I think we should look at those stories and think "we really need congress to fund more residents so that we can have more surgeons to carry the load" instead of saying "wow what a great woman."

[Anonymous]

High powered job or spouse? Wouldn’t anyone pick job at least when young. Might have a different answer once married for a while. If you were not married would you pick the potential spouse over the job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the surgeon’s wife

Everyone deserves to be happy and burden free, even you.

I don’t think we should pat you on the back for your taking it for the team. It’s not fair to you.

I think you need to negotiate in your mind what trades are a
acceptable to you. Is it the vacation you live for? Being a transactional type can help.

The downside to selfless compromise: I know a few selfless and sacrificial women who were completely taken advantage of —and emotionally damaged —when their “savior” husband disappointed them. We know hypocrisy is a thing, and it’s hardest for the people on the inside.

I don’t think elevating your sacrificial status is empowering or respectful, at all.

I tend to agree with this. I think we should look at those stories and think "we really need congress to fund more residents so that we can have more surgeons to carry the load" instead of saying "wow what a great woman."

Yes, you're both right but until systemic change is made, you can give them all the gratitude they deserve. Reflecting on change does not negate reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DCUM always comes to the same conclusion - that partners in top law firms are always miserable - but it just isn't true.

There are definitely top firms where there are plenty of balanced (though certainly hard working) partners. They are exceptionally well paid because they are exceptional: often that means brilliant AS WELL AS socially competent (relationship building is a big part of the job). I think it would be extremely difficult to have that career and do 50% of the labor at home / with a family, but 30%? Sure. Spouse either SAH and takes on the remaining 70% or (more likely) has a low-key career that permits taking on more of the load.

Are you a Biglaw partner? How much of the load do you pull? Serious questions.

I’m the spouse. I’d say I do 70%. But my partner is with the family from 6-8 am and 6-8 pm weekdays, and all day on weekends, at a minimum, and during that time we are 50/50 with the kids. There are exceptions - travel once or twice a month for one night, or an evening call twice a month - but mostly that’s our situation.

I’m familiar with the absent and exhausted big law partner type, and it looks miserable. But I also know many partners at multiple firms, both men and women, who are absolutely present with their kids and happy and balanced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the surgeon’s wife

Everyone deserves to be happy and burden free, even you.

I don’t think we should pat you on the back for your taking it for the team. It’s not fair to you.

I think you need to negotiate in your mind what trades are a
acceptable to you. Is it the vacation you live for? Being a transactional type can help.

The downside to selfless compromise: I know a few selfless and sacrificial women who were completely taken advantage of —and emotionally damaged —when their “savior” husband disappointed them. We know hypocrisy is a thing, and it’s hardest for the people on the inside.

I don’t think elevating your sacrificial status is empowering or respectful, at all.

I tend to agree with this. I think we should look at those stories and think "we really need congress to fund more residents so that we can have more surgeons to carry the load" instead of saying "wow what a great woman."

Do you also think that we need to train more BigLaw partners? Or do you honestly believe that surgeons are all purely altruistic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DCUM always comes to the same conclusion - that partners in top law firms are always miserable - but it just isn't true.

There are definitely top firms where there are plenty of balanced (though certainly hard working) partners. They are exceptionally well paid because they are exceptional: often that means brilliant AS WELL AS socially competent (relationship building is a big part of the job). I think it would be extremely difficult to have that career and do 50% of the labor at home / with a family, but 30%? Sure. Spouse either SAH and takes on the remaining 70% or (more likely) has a low-key career that permits taking on more of the load.

Are you a Biglaw partner? How much of the load do you pull? Serious questions.

I’m the spouse. I’d say I do 70%. But my partner is with the family from 6-8 am and 6-8 pm weekdays, and all day on weekends, at a minimum, and during that time we are 50/50 with the kids. There are exceptions - travel once or twice a month for one night, or an evening call twice a month - but mostly that’s our situation.

I’m familiar with the absent and exhausted big law partner type, and it looks miserable. But I also know many partners at multiple firms, both men and women, who are absolutely present with their kids and happy and balanced.

Yea, I figured you weren’t a Biglaw partner yourself. But, hey, thanks for your input anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DCUM always comes to the same conclusion - that partners in top law firms are always miserable - but it just isn't true.

There are definitely top firms where there are plenty of balanced (though certainly hard working) partners. They are exceptionally well paid because they are exceptional: often that means brilliant AS WELL AS socially competent (relationship building is a big part of the job). I think it would be extremely difficult to have that career and do 50% of the labor at home / with a family, but 30%? Sure. Spouse either SAH and takes on the remaining 70% or (more likely) has a low-key career that permits taking on more of the load.

Are you a Biglaw partner? How much of the load do you pull? Serious questions.

I’m the spouse. I’d say I do 70%. But my partner is with the family from 6-8 am and 6-8 pm weekdays, and all day on weekends, at a minimum, and during that time we are 50/50 with the kids. There are exceptions - travel once or twice a month for one night, or an evening call twice a month - but mostly that’s our situation.

I’m familiar with the absent and exhausted big law partner type, and it looks miserable. But I also know many partners at multiple firms, both men and women, who are absolutely present with their kids and happy and balanced.

Yea, I figured you weren’t a Biglaw partner yourself. But, hey, thanks for your input anyway.

You are free to believe what you want to believe, but I will repeat: not everyone in big law is miserable. Not my spouse, but also not several of my friends (who are themselves the equity partners).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DCUM always comes to the same conclusion - that partners in top law firms are always miserable - but it just isn't true.

There are definitely top firms where there are plenty of balanced (though certainly hard working) partners. They are exceptionally well paid because they are exceptional: often that means brilliant AS WELL AS socially competent (relationship building is a big part of the job). I think it would be extremely difficult to have that career and do 50% of the labor at home / with a family, but 30%? Sure. Spouse either SAH and takes on the remaining 70% or (more likely) has a low-key career that permits taking on more of the load.

Are you a Biglaw partner? How much of the load do you pull? Serious questions.

I’m the spouse. I’d say I do 70%. But my partner is with the family from 6-8 am and 6-8 pm weekdays, and all day on weekends, at a minimum, and during that time we are 50/50 with the kids. There are exceptions - travel once or twice a month for one night, or an evening call twice a month - but mostly that’s our situation.

I’m familiar with the absent and exhausted big law partner type, and it looks miserable. But I also know many partners at multiple firms, both men and women, who are absolutely present with their kids and happy and balanced.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DCUM always comes to the same conclusion - that partners in top law firms are always miserable - but it just isn't true.

There are definitely top firms where there are plenty of balanced (though certainly hard working) partners. They are exceptionally well paid because they are exceptional: often that means brilliant AS WELL AS socially competent (relationship building is a big part of the job). I think it would be extremely difficult to have that career and do 50% of the labor at home / with a family, but 30%? Sure. Spouse either SAH and takes on the remaining 70% or (more likely) has a low-key career that permits taking on more of the load.

No, it isn't that top law firm partners are always miserable...the ones who care to know their children well are miserable.

Yup. There are many happy Big Law partners. But they are also usually highly competent psychopaths.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DCUM always comes to the same conclusion - that partners in top law firms are always miserable - but it just isn't true.

There are definitely top firms where there are plenty of balanced (though certainly hard working) partners. They are exceptionally well paid because they are exceptional: often that means brilliant AS WELL AS socially competent (relationship building is a big part of the job). I think it would be extremely difficult to have that career and do 50% of the labor at home / with a family, but 30%? Sure. Spouse either SAH and takes on the remaining 70% or (more likely) has a low-key career that permits taking on more of the load.

Are you a Biglaw partner? How much of the load do you pull? Serious questions.

I’m the spouse. I’d say I do 70%. But my partner is with the family from 6-8 am and 6-8 pm weekdays, and all day on weekends, at a minimum, and during that time we are 50/50 with the kids. There are exceptions - travel once or twice a month for one night, or an evening call twice a month - but mostly that’s our situation.

I’m familiar with the absent and exhausted big law partner type, and it looks miserable. But I also know many partners at multiple firms, both men and women, who are absolutely present with their kids and happy and balanced.

Yea, I figured you weren’t a Biglaw partner yourself. But, hey, thanks for your input anyway.

You are free to believe what you want to believe, but I will repeat: not everyone in big law is miserable. Not my spouse, but also not several of my friends (who are themselves the equity partners).

So for me it's not about him being miserable. He's definitely not. He has a prestigious well-paying job at a respected firm with brilliant peers and nice clients, for the most part. As he puts it, if I'm going to have a job, this is the one I want! But as a spouse I see things a little differently. Even if his phone/computer is away, the looming work/deadlines are omnipresent. He doesn't sleep well due to the stress and often sacrifices his own health habits (exercise, friends, hobbies, sleep) to cram all the work he needs to get done into one day. This stress inevitably creeps into our family life. He's tired, distracted, and has no additional bandwidth for anything else so it's inevitable this would impact our family. Again, he's not miserable! He's a happy, grateful, respectful family man but I can see the wear and tear this life is having on his body. And the wear and tear it's doing to our family. Anyway, I just wanted to clarify this for anyone reading this thread. These men/women don't have to be outwardly miserable to be inwardly stressed to their max capacity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DCUM always comes to the same conclusion - that partners in top law firms are always miserable - but it just isn't true.

There are definitely top firms where there are plenty of balanced (though certainly hard working) partners. They are exceptionally well paid because they are exceptional: often that means brilliant AS WELL AS socially competent (relationship building is a big part of the job). I think it would be extremely difficult to have that career and do 50% of the labor at home / with a family, but 30%? Sure. Spouse either SAH and takes on the remaining 70% or (more likely) has a low-key career that permits taking on more of the load.

Are you a Biglaw partner? How much of the load do you pull? Serious questions.

I’m the spouse. I’d say I do 70%. But my partner is with the family from 6-8 am and 6-8 pm weekdays, and all day on weekends, at a minimum, and during that time we are 50/50 with the kids. There are exceptions - travel once or twice a month for one night, or an evening call twice a month - but mostly that’s our situation.

I’m familiar with the absent and exhausted big law partner type, and it looks miserable. But I also know many partners at multiple firms, both men and women, who are absolutely present with their kids and happy and balanced.

Yea, I figured you weren’t a Biglaw partner yourself. But, hey, thanks for your input anyway.

You are free to believe what you want to believe, but I will repeat: not everyone in big law is miserable. Not my spouse, but also not several of my friends (who are themselves the equity partners).

So for me it's not about him being miserable. He's definitely not. He has a prestigious well-paying job at a respected firm with brilliant peers and nice clients, for the most part. As he puts it, if I'm going to have a job, this is the one I want! But as a spouse I see things a little differently. Even if his phone/computer is away, the looming work/deadlines are omnipresent. He doesn't sleep well due to the stress and often sacrifices his own health habits (exercise, friends, hobbies, sleep) to cram all the work he needs to get done into one day. This stress inevitably creeps into our family life. He's tired, distracted, and has no additional bandwidth for anything else so it's inevitable this would impact our family. Again, he's not miserable! He's a happy, grateful, respectful family man but I can see the wear and tear this life is having on his body. And the wear and tear it's doing to our family. Anyway, I just wanted to clarify this for anyone reading this thread. These men/women don't have to be outwardly miserable to be inwardly stressed to their max capacity.

I agree with this take. I think people say “well, he or she isn’t miserable so it’s fine!” But it’s not fine, not at all.

I mean, the deaths and alcoholism rampant in partners in their 50s and 60s should really tell people the truth. But spouses (except maybe PP above) often don’t want to see it, and the partners themselves often don’t want to see it.

I’ve received so many death notices from the families of Big Law partners. It’s just shockingly common that they die young. And the stories of alcohol are also hair-raising.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DCUM always comes to the same conclusion - that partners in top law firms are always miserable - but it just isn't true.

There are definitely top firms where there are plenty of balanced (though certainly hard working) partners. They are exceptionally well paid because they are exceptional: often that means brilliant AS WELL AS socially competent (relationship building is a big part of the job). I think it would be extremely difficult to have that career and do 50% of the labor at home / with a family, but 30%? Sure. Spouse either SAH and takes on the remaining 70% or (more likely) has a low-key career that permits taking on more of the load.

Are you a Biglaw partner? How much of the load do you pull? Serious questions.

I’m the spouse. I’d say I do 70%. But my partner is with the family from 6-8 am and 6-8 pm weekdays, and all day on weekends, at a minimum, and during that time we are 50/50 with the kids. There are exceptions - travel once or twice a month for one night, or an evening call twice a month - but mostly that’s our situation.

I’m familiar with the absent and exhausted big law partner type, and it looks miserable. But I also know many partners at multiple firms, both men and women, who are absolutely present with their kids and happy and balanced.

Yea, I figured you weren’t a Biglaw partner yourself. But, hey, thanks for your input anyway.

You are free to believe what you want to believe, but I will repeat: not everyone in big law is miserable. Not my spouse, but also not several of my friends (who are themselves the equity partners).

So for me it's not about him being miserable. He's definitely not. He has a prestigious well-paying job at a respected firm with brilliant peers and nice clients, for the most part. As he puts it, if I'm going to have a job, this is the one I want! But as a spouse I see things a little differently. Even if his phone/computer is away, the looming work/deadlines are omnipresent. He doesn't sleep well due to the stress and often sacrifices his own health habits (exercise, friends, hobbies, sleep) to cram all the work he needs to get done into one day. This stress inevitably creeps into our family life. He's tired, distracted, and has no additional bandwidth for anything else so it's inevitable this would impact our family. Again, he's not miserable! He's a happy, grateful, respectful family man but I can see the wear and tear this life is having on his body. And the wear and tear it's doing to our family. Anyway, I just wanted to clarify this for anyone reading this thread. These men/women don't have to be outwardly miserable to be inwardly stressed to their max capacity.

I agree with this take. I think people say “well, he or she isn’t miserable so it’s fine!” But it’s not fine, not at all.

I mean, the deaths and alcoholism rampant in partners in their 50s and 60s should really tell people the truth. But spouses (except maybe PP above) often don’t want to see it, and the partners themselves often don’t want to see it.

I’ve received so many death notices from the families of Big Law partners. It’s just shockingly common that they die young. And the stories of alcohol are also hair-raising.

I don’t doubt you but I have been at 3 major biglaw firms and have never seen this. Not 1 partner in 59s or 60s died.