I regret having kids. I don't like being a mom. And it's affecting my marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The kids probably regret having you as a mom. Suck it up. Child-rearing isn't about you and your wants/needs.

Stop being mean to the OP; somebody can feel this way and not be a bad mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The kids probably regret having you as a mom. Suck it up. Child-rearing isn't about you and your wants/needs.

+1000

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I enjoy being a mother but certainly do not like some of the things you describe. Playing kid board games is painful. Pretend play is painful. I like to take the kids to museums and things like that. I like to cook with them. I enjoy certain volunteering at the school but loathe other things. I think the difference is that because I think I enjoy motherhood and that I am a decent mother, I do not feel guilty about the stuff I do not do. Find a few things you enjoy doing with your kids. Forget the rest. Good mothers come in all sorts of actions. One does not need to martyr her life to be a good mother.

You know that very, very few adults actually enjoy playing Candyland or dolls, right? It’s not meant to entertain us or be fun for us. We do it for our kids.

It is unnecessary. My grandparents did not play with their kids nor were they expected to. Kids can play with other kids. Parents don’t need to do it. My parents did not either.

This.

It depends on the definition of "unnecessary." Yes, it's true that you can raise your kids without "playing with them" and still end up with great kids who become great adults. On the other hand, based on the people I know (as well as my own family and my spouse's family) there does seem to be a correlation between being a truly giving and extending parent and having "nicer," more giving, less self-centered and more empathetic offspring. I mean, let's face it -- there are a lot of nasty, career-obsessed, and super competitive women on DCUM who really do consider themselves to be excellent mothers simply because they have the money to throw at every problem or issue. When it comes to parenting, time is more important than money.

I'm not saying women should become martyrs to motherhood. What I am saying is that the pendulum appears to have swung way too far in the opposite direction for many professional women. At least the ones on here who, instead of advising the OP on how to improve her situation, have instead seized yet another opportunity through this thread to bash actively involved mothers and defend their own choices as somehow better for the kids.

My mom and my grandmother did not play with children.
They were stay at home moms.
Idea that a parent is expected to play with their children regardless of their working status is relatively new. Children are supposed to play with their peers—not their parents.

Np here. Just because your parents and grandparents did something doesn't make it right or an absolute.
I'm likely your age and my parents and grandparents played with us. I have great memories of those times. My siblings, cousins and I also managed to play with our peers as well.

Good for you. It is still largely an anomaly for adults to be playing with children in earlier generations. That is what siblings were for. Parenting is much more child-centric generally than it used to be.

NP. But what's your issue? It's fine for you to give anecdotal account but not others? Well guess what?That actually isn't true that adults didn't play with children until recently. there records of adults playing with children throughout history.
Maybe if your parents had played with you more you wouldn't be so nasty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you for all of the replies. Sorry I couldn't respond earlier, for some reason I can't access DCUM unless I'm on a computer/laptop.

As for why I had a second child....well, I was on leave with my first for many years. I loved that time with my oldest. I did so many things with them and really embraced parenting. Then, I went back part time and had a miscarriage. That experience alone was really hard but it made me feel sad that my oldest wouldn't have a sibling. So had a second but I transitioned to full time work after they were born.

These feelings of regret (perhaps too harsh a word) are relatively new. I do think pandemic parenting was super hard on me. I barely could keep my head above water with work and dealing with a pre-reader, sitting for all of their zoom sessions made me feel crazy. And interestingly, DH was (and still is) home 24/7. All of the sudden, all of the parenting things that I did (activities, shuttling the kids around, play dates, playing) were now being kind of picked apart by DH. He has ever the ready criticism on how things could be different or how I should have scheduled things differently. So I think I started to resent it and took a back seat. Let him figure it out for a while.

Now with no return to the office for him, he has firmly slid into the role of "all things parenting" and volunteers A LOT for various things for the kids. I still do some stuff but not as much anymore. I do try to incorporate the kids in activities I enjoy - cooking, hiking, walking, crafts. But he spends a lot of time at their school and insists they have very full schedules of activities (I prefer them to be less scheduled).

All of this is to say that DH sees what he does for the kids and thinks I need to do the same. I don't have the same flexible schedule as he does. I don't WANT to organize projects for their classes. I still manage to get to their schools for some stuff but apparently, it's not enough.

Of course I haven't said this to DH or the kids. I have told DH that it isn't fair for him to characterize my time with the kids as "not enough". I don't know if he heard that message though.

As a CFBC woman, I find women who deliberately choose to have children and then complain about them to be truly hilarious.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know of a family where the mom was checked out in parenting. The dad would come to hang out with his kids at our house in the weekends. The kids would be unkempt, with unwashed and uncombed hair, dressed oddly. Anyways, the mom had an affair (DH was high earning, mom was SAHM), divorced, remarried...kids are very messed up. Mom was not a person who could do any kind of adulting - very messy home, no organization, she was a complete mess. I sometimes wonder why the guy married her.

Wow, a few Aunt Lydia’s on this thread.

[Anonymous]

I can’t believe the nastiness between some of the parents and child free folks on here. I am childLESS after a decade of trying, which you’d think would be the worst case scenario here, and my life doesn’t seem to suck as much as any of yours if you feel the need to spew such hatred at strangers on a Friday afternoon.

OP, you’re not a bad person. Parenting is hard and it’s okay to feel this way, even after more than one child, even when you wanted children. I’m sure if I had the kids I so desperately wanted, I’d also have my moments of wanting to run away from it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you for all of the replies. Sorry I couldn't respond earlier, for some reason I can't access DCUM unless I'm on a computer/laptop.

As for why I had a second child....well, I was on leave with my first for many years. I loved that time with my oldest. I did so many things with them and really embraced parenting. Then, I went back part time and had a miscarriage. That experience alone was really hard but it made me feel sad that my oldest wouldn't have a sibling. So had a second but I transitioned to full time work after they were born.

These feelings of regret (perhaps too harsh a word) are relatively new. I do think pandemic parenting was super hard on me. I barely could keep my head above water with work and dealing with a pre-reader, sitting for all of their zoom sessions made me feel crazy. And interestingly, DH was (and still is) home 24/7. All of the sudden, all of the parenting things that I did (activities, shuttling the kids around, play dates, playing) were now being kind of picked apart by DH. He has ever the ready criticism on how things could be different or how I should have scheduled things differently. So I think I started to resent it and took a back seat. Let him figure it out for a while.

Now with no return to the office for him, he has firmly slid into the role of "all things parenting" and volunteers A LOT for various things for the kids. I still do some stuff but not as much anymore. I do try to incorporate the kids in activities I enjoy - cooking, hiking, walking, crafts. But he spends a lot of time at their school and insists they have very full schedules of activities (I prefer them to be less scheduled).

All of this is to say that DH sees what he does for the kids and thinks I need to do the same. I don't have the same flexible schedule as he does. I don't WANT to organize projects for their classes. I still manage to get to their schools for some stuff but apparently, it's not enough.

Of course I haven't said this to DH or the kids. I have told DH that it isn't fair for him to characterize my time with the kids as "not enough". I don't know if he heard that message though.

As a CFBC woman, I find women who deliberately choose to have children and then complain about them to be truly hilarious.

Stuff like this is why people hate and judge childfree people. I am also CF yet I can recognize how parenting is very difficult and it might not go as one expects before they have kids- how can you understand what parenting will truly entail? Also, OP's husband is not supportive and it seems like she may have more of a husband problem than a parenting problem. Regardless- this was a rude and unnecessary comment.

Don't post if you can't take the heat. Of course, there's going to be schadenfreude.

The CFBC women who constantly feel the need to dunk on struggling parents are insecure about their decision to miss out on one of the most meaningful human experiences

This must be it. It just makes no sense to expend energy on taunting a person who is struggling two years into a world-wide pandemic that has made life hard for EVERYONE unless you are desperate for confirmation that you made the right decision despite your subconscious fears to the contrary. If you are happy and fulfilled in your life, great, I am happy for you! That's what this world needs. If you are not, then I hurt for you. So much of my blessings are just plain luck . . . there but for the grace go I.

[Anonymous]

I am cfbc and I think you guys need to stop feeding that troll. I saw this thread because it was in recent topics and I clicked on it because if you don’t have kids, it’s sort of interesting and makes you feel better to read about why people wish they had not had kids. I’m not entirely certain I made the right decision. Anyway, my point is, the post was just kind of mean and I think it was a troll. There’s nothing hilarious about people regretting their situation in life, especially if the regret involves children. I do think that I am very aware that having children is a lot of work, and it seems like some women go into motherhood not understanding that. And then they are surprised when it’s so much work and so exhausting. I’m not sure why some people are aware of how hard it is and some people aren’t. Maybe it’s because I have older siblings and saw them raising children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: As a CFBC woman, I find women who deliberately choose to have children and then complain about them to be truly hilarious.

I find childless women who troll parenting sites to be a particular brand of pathetic.
-Happily married with two beautiful children

Nice. So much judgment here-on both sides. The first comment is really shallow and mean and the response comment is smug and belittling (and what does being happily married have to do with it? You can be happily married with and without kids). Both of you sound awful. Can't we just live and let live?

I don't have kids and I really feel for the OP. Being a mother in our society is really, really hard. I have said many times that I would have had kids if I could have been a dad and not a mom. On the other hand, I think that there are women out there who have kids even if they instinctually feel it's not the right choice for them because of society's negative attitudes towards women without kids (in particular women's negative attitudes towards women without kids). I thought about having kids for years even though in my gut I knew it wouldn't be the right choice for me in part because I feared judgement from other women. I remember the comments starting back in my 20's when I first started to question whether or not I wanted kids. Comments such as "you'll regret it" and "you aren't a real woman until you have kids" and "people without kids are strange" and "people who are married who don't have kids aren't really married." I could go on and on. Why do we feel such a need to judge other women's choices? I'm 48 and to this day I still have a fear response when people (mainly women) ask me if I have kids because I'm afraid of what they will say to me and/or what they will think. I know that there are some women who will judge me without even knowing me based on the fact that I don't have kids. I don't get it-I don't judge women for being mothers. This doesn't seem to be the situation with the OP, but maybe if there was less judgement towards women without kids there would be fewer women who have kids hesitantly but feel that it's something they have to do to "fit in" or be accepted by society.

[Anonymous]

Sorry-this is the 20:35 PP-I didn't mean to put my response in quotes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought about where to post this but think this might be the best forum. I am 46 and have a 5 year old and 11 year old. I really dislike being a mom. I love my kids. I think they are amazing but I can't stand parenting. I try hard to be patient and loving but I feel like I don't have any ability to just do whatever I want to do. I know this sounds really selfish. I get that I brought these kids into the world - they didn't have the choice. But how do I get to a better place? How do I stop resenting being a mom? I hate constantly telling them to not fight. To be kinder to each other. They don't listen and then I lose my cool.

My husband is angry that I don't spend more time volunteering at their schools, playing board games with them and getting more involved with their activities. I don't know how to do as much as he does - I simply don't care. I hate board games. I spent 3 hours volunteering at their field day and I wanted to poke my eyes out.

It's getting to a place where I just want to run away. I feel like any effort I make is not enough. Is this normal or do most moms love being a mom? I really regret a lot of my decisions in life. I just can't wait for them to grow up so I have the freedom to do what I want to do. Jeez, I sound like a horrible person.

yep. pretty much. but at least you're being honest with yourself. here's the thing toots, you have children, therefore you have parenting responsibilities. your husband sees what a resentful, unengaged mother you are to his children so he's slowly losing respect and love for you. so, good news is, you'll soon be on your way to divorce and you can award him full custody. and I mean that. sounds like that would be a solution that's best for everyone.

I know you tried very very hard to be mean and make OP feel bad, but damn girl, everyone reading this just feels sad and embarrassed for you. Sorry for whatever went wrong in your childhood or is currently going wrong in your marriage!

100% this

[Anonymous]

I personally think it's pathetic and sad that so-called "child free by choice" women are trolling a board specifically meant for parents. Child free by choice, my ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I personally think it's pathetic and sad that so-called "child free by choice" women are trolling a board specifically meant for parents. Child free by choice, my ass.

It's probably the most active DC area message board where over half of topics have nothing to do with parenting. I don't click on "recent topics" but many do. Get over yourself.

/Mom of 2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I enjoy being a mother but certainly do not like some of the things you describe. Playing kid board games is painful. Pretend play is painful. I like to take the kids to museums and things like that. I like to cook with them. I enjoy certain volunteering at the school but loathe other things. I think the difference is that because I think I enjoy motherhood and that I am a decent mother, I do not feel guilty about the stuff I do not do. Find a few things you enjoy doing with your kids. Forget the rest. Good mothers come in all sorts of actions. One does not need to martyr her life to be a good mother.

You know that very, very few adults actually enjoy playing Candyland or dolls, right? It’s not meant to entertain us or be fun for us. We do it for our kids.

It is unnecessary. My grandparents did not play with their kids nor were they expected to. Kids can play with other kids. Parents don’t need to do it. My parents did not either.

Sorry you had crappy parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I fully agree with what so many of you are saying. But I can also see in so many of these posts that the people saying they shouldn’t ever have to help would probably be pretty upset if the school suddenly stopped doing any of the “fun” stuff. If the school stopped the holiday parties, field day, festivals, field trips, etc. you’d be the first Karen through the door.

Nope, I’d be fine with that.

Your kid wouldn’t. And no, you don’t have some special Stepford child who wants no fun activities and nothing but grind at school, so don’t even try it.

whatever you have to tell yourself to get through the day! you are wasting your one life on earth with these activities, deep down we both know it, and however hard you try to make me feel guilty about not going along with your charade I simply never will. I'm too busy making a ton of money and actually enjoying my kids to even notice your snide tone or your passive aggressive emails. Enjoy Field Day!

I don’t do Field Day. Your insecurity is positively dripping from your ridiculous post.