I regret having kids. I don't like being a mom. And it's affecting my marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought about where to post this but think this might be the best forum. I am 46 and have a 5 year old and 11 year old. I really dislike being a mom. I love my kids. I think they are amazing but I can't stand parenting. I try hard to be patient and loving but I feel like I don't have any ability to just do whatever I want to do. I know this sounds really selfish. I get that I brought these kids into the world - they didn't have the choice. But how do I get to a better place? How do I stop resenting being a mom? I hate constantly telling them to not fight. To be kinder to each other. They don't listen and then I lose my cool.

My husband is angry that I don't spend more time volunteering at their schools, playing board games with them and getting more involved with their activities. I don't know how to do as much as he does - I simply don't care. I hate board games. I spent 3 hours volunteering at their field day and I wanted to poke my eyes out.

It's getting to a place where I just want to run away. I feel like any effort I make is not enough. Is this normal or do most moms love being a mom? I really regret a lot of my decisions in life. I just can't wait for them to grow up so I have the freedom to do what I want to do. Jeez, I sound like a horrible person.

yep. pretty much. but at least you're being honest with yourself. here's the thing toots, you have children, therefore you have parenting responsibilities. your husband sees what a resentful, unengaged mother you are to his children so he's slowly losing respect and love for you. so, good news is, you'll soon be on your way to divorce and you can award him full custody. and I mean that. sounds like that would be a solution that's best for everyone.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you for all of the replies. Sorry I couldn't respond earlier, for some reason I can't access DCUM unless I'm on a computer/laptop.

As for why I had a second child....well, I was on leave with my first for many years. I loved that time with my oldest. I did so many things with them and really embraced parenting. Then, I went back part time and had a miscarriage. That experience alone was really hard but it made me feel sad that my oldest wouldn't have a sibling. So had a second but I transitioned to full time work after they were born.

These feelings of regret (perhaps too harsh a word) are relatively new. I do think pandemic parenting was super hard on me. I barely could keep my head above water with work and dealing with a pre-reader, sitting for all of their zoom sessions made me feel crazy. And interestingly, DH was (and still is) home 24/7. All of the sudden, all of the parenting things that I did (activities, shuttling the kids around, play dates, playing) were now being kind of picked apart by DH. He has ever the ready criticism on how things could be different or how I should have scheduled things differently. So I think I started to resent it and took a back seat. Let him figure it out for a while.

Now with no return to the office for him, he has firmly slid into the role of "all things parenting" and volunteers A LOT for various things for the kids. I still do some stuff but not as much anymore. I do try to incorporate the kids in activities I enjoy - cooking, hiking, walking, crafts. But he spends a lot of time at their school and insists they have very full schedules of activities (I prefer them to be less scheduled).

All of this is to say that DH sees what he does for the kids and thinks I need to do the same. I don't have the same flexible schedule as he does. I don't WANT to organize projects for their classes. I still manage to get to their schools for some stuff but apparently, it's not enough.

Of course I haven't said this to DH or the kids. I have told DH that it isn't fair for him to characterize my time with the kids as "not enough". I don't know if he heard that message though.

As a CFBC woman, I find women who deliberately choose to have children and then complain about them to be truly hilarious.

+1

What is so funny? Do you never regret choices you made or complain about choices you made? Do you never regret a relationship or a choice of job or choice about friendship? If so, have you ever talked or complained about the situation?

One reason people have kids is that they don’t realize what they are getting into, in part because parents are shamed about not liking parenthood or having regrets. What if people who regretting going to law school were not allowed to complain about it or talk about how they regretted it, lest they be ridiculed? We would have a lot more people making a bad choice.

But yeah, haha funny, moms complaining about very difficult circumstances, soooo funny.

[Anonymous]

There is a whole book about women who regret having kids. It gives a really honest and refreshing take. Regret really isn’t something we should be ashamed of. You can still love your kids and be a good mom even if you realize it wasn’t the right decision for you. Just don’t tell your kids or resent them, practice radical acceptance instead.

https://www.amazon.com/Regretting-Motherhood-Study-Orna-Donath-ebook/dp/B01LYUTO1A/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?adgrpid=61540981168&gclid=CjwKCAjw77WVBhBuEiwAJ-YoJBISSYqZD9CumvuoCesMwQKZWB5ElDQVsF_WijWc92_pSxFWQjOifRoCRuEQAvD_BwE&hvadid=274870789166&hvdev=m&hvlocphy=9008163&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=10402348367914039127&hvtargid=kwd-362641870794&hydadcr=12110_9894146&keywords=regretting+motherhood+a+study&qid=1655552323&sr=8-2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you for all of the replies. Sorry I couldn't respond earlier, for some reason I can't access DCUM unless I'm on a computer/laptop.

As for why I had a second child....well, I was on leave with my first for many years. I loved that time with my oldest. I did so many things with them and really embraced parenting. Then, I went back part time and had a miscarriage. That experience alone was really hard but it made me feel sad that my oldest wouldn't have a sibling. So had a second but I transitioned to full time work after they were born.

These feelings of regret (perhaps too harsh a word) are relatively new. I do think pandemic parenting was super hard on me. I barely could keep my head above water with work and dealing with a pre-reader, sitting for all of their zoom sessions made me feel crazy. And interestingly, DH was (and still is) home 24/7. All of the sudden, all of the parenting things that I did (activities, shuttling the kids around, play dates, playing) were now being kind of picked apart by DH. He has ever the ready criticism on how things could be different or how I should have scheduled things differently. So I think I started to resent it and took a back seat. Let him figure it out for a while.

Now with no return to the office for him, he has firmly slid into the role of "all things parenting" and volunteers A LOT for various things for the kids. I still do some stuff but not as much anymore. I do try to incorporate the kids in activities I enjoy - cooking, hiking, walking, crafts. But he spends a lot of time at their school and insists they have very full schedules of activities (I prefer them to be less scheduled).

All of this is to say that DH sees what he does for the kids and thinks I need to do the same. I don't have the same flexible schedule as he does. I don't WANT to organize projects for their classes. I still manage to get to their schools for some stuff but apparently, it's not enough.

Of course I haven't said this to DH or the kids. I have told DH that it isn't fair for him to characterize my time with the kids as "not enough". I don't know if he heard that message though.

As a CFBC woman, I find women who deliberately choose to have children and then complain about them to be truly hilarious.

Stuff like this is why people hate and judge childfree people. I am also CF yet I can recognize how parenting is very difficult and it might not go as one expects before they have kids- how can you understand what parenting will truly entail? Also, OP's husband is not supportive and it seems like she may have more of a husband problem than a parenting problem. Regardless- this was a rude and unnecessary comment.

Don't post if you can't take the heat. Of course, there's going to be schadenfreude.

Indeed because plenty people are insecure and resentful of some life choices and need to pounce on others to make themselves feel better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP---concentrate on finding one activity that you really like doing with each child and then one activity that you can all do relatively peacefully together. Quality, not quantity. I work a demanding job and decided early on that I was not going to be room mother, PTA president or anything else. I did make it a point to volunteer to be a chaperone one field trip a year per kid.

And understand that not all parents are good at all stages of parenting. Some parents are great with babies and toddlers while some are much better with teens and young adults.

And make sure that your DH is pulling his weight with the entirety of family management. When you are overseeing the groceries, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacation planning, the medical/dental appointments, the constant buying of clothes/shoes for growing kids---AND working full time-then it is easy to be resentful.

Such good advice!

OP really just let the shaming advice roll off your shoulders. Nothing you do or feel in life is going to please everybody. Somebody will disapprove of every single choice you make, from your clothing to what you eat to how you spend your spare time. And nobody deals with as much shame for their choices as moms. (Yes CFBC women get shamed for that choice but not for all the little parenting decisions they make *and* how they feel about those parenting decisions.)

Just do your best and don’t judge your feelings.

[Anonymous]

My DH, who is usually totally supportive and nonjudgmental, had his moments when we were both working from home due to the pandemic. He would be critical and condescending at times. It was not like him AT ALL, and I chalk it up to stress. Now that we are back at the office (hybrid), he is back to his same wonderful self. It was a really strange time and I chalk it up to stress.

Just a different perspective to consider.

[Anonymous]

Do you really think in 10 years time you will feel the same way?

My kids are all still young and I can’t relate. I hate crafts and leave those to schools, camps, and grandma. We do other fun activities instead. I expected parenting to be impossibly hard and draining, so far (oldest is 7) it’s not as hard as I thought and I love it. However I am a bit fearful of the teen years…

[Anonymous]

I think that mommy martyrs feel this way a lot. And that is no dig, it is HARD not to be a mommy martyr for those of us who believe in a certain standard of parenting that just cannot get done, and that we have picked up from actual real cultural expectations, not our own inborn ideas from what a child needs from their mom.

Like right now my therapist is telling me I need to schedule in activities that are more pleasurable for me. And I wave my to-do list at her, a to do list full of really important things like “make sure kids aren’t playing roblox all day” and “make kid’s orthodontist appointments” and “plan health meals.” I am letting myself down if I do something that gives me an identity and yet I won’t like being a mom if I don’t.

[Anonymous]

I had periods of time even years when I felt this way. In hindsight i felt that bc I was a single parent even though o was technically married. He did nothing to help. Actually made things worse. I parent he indulges and treats teen like a baby.

[Anonymous]

Could you possibly be suffering from depression OP?

And maybe that is causing you to feel the way you feel about parenting??

I would seek personal therapy in order to best deal w/this troublesome situation.

I wish you only the best! 🤗

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you possibly be suffering from depression OP?

And maybe that is causing you to feel the way you feel about parenting??

I would seek personal therapy in order to best deal w/this troublesome situation.

I wish you only the best! 🤗

Not OP. I hate when people say this could be depression. People can not enjoy parenting and not be depressed. I am not depressed: I do not like being a parent. I am a decade in, not depressed. My feelings have not changed. I do everything I am supposed to do—and no, I don’t enjoy it. Not depressed. These are my actual feelings. If moms were not expected to do it all now, maybe I would enjoy it more. I work and have kids and am too damn tired to enjoy it. That is ok. I do not care what judgey people think. My kids are happy, that is what matters. But it is not fun for me. I am exhausted.

[Anonymous]

You sound depressed OP, and like you have no support network including husband to help. Someone to talk with, vent with, pitch in, manage stuff. He should be there so the kids aren’t all Mommy, mommy, mommy. They should go talk to their father.

Sign them up for stuff and have him or a nanny take them.

Catch your breath and then pick and choose what to join in.

[Anonymous]

they'll be more self sufficient soon and it will be easier. you'll be ok

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my kids but I dislike being a mom too. Wish I were dad: so much less effort and so much more praise.

Whenever my husband takes our toddler anywhere there is a flock of older women cooing over them and offering to help him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could you possibly be suffering from depression OP?

And maybe that is causing you to feel the way you feel about parenting??

I would seek personal therapy in order to best deal w/this troublesome situation.

I wish you only the best! 🤗

Not OP. I hate when people say this could be depression. People can not enjoy parenting and not be depressed. I am not depressed: I do not like being a parent. I am a decade in, not depressed. My feelings have not changed. I do everything I am supposed to do—and no, I don’t enjoy it. Not depressed. These are my actual feelings. If moms were not expected to do it all now, maybe I would enjoy it more. I work and have kids and am too damn tired to enjoy it. That is ok. I do not care what judgey people think. My kids are happy, that is what matters. But it is not fun for me. I am exhausted.

DP. Sounds like depression to me too. Who spends time complaining about something g that is absolutely necessary? You have kids, you take care of them. It's that simple. No excuses, no complaints nothing. Do people go around complaing about brushing their teeth/ hair etc. I mean even those who complain about working complain about a specific job or aspect of their job. You don't complain about having to work - what's the alternative?

The day you had kids you choose to shut up and do what it takes to get them to 18 years of age. Just like you choose to work when you decided to live after the age of 18( before that age for some children). There are a few very wealthy who can choose to neither work nor parent, but that's a fantasy world for the rest of us.

Saying you hate parenting as a person who already has kids is like someone saying they hate living. What is the alternative? Sounds like depression.