Dating for 4 months and he said "not ready" for relationship- I walked away, now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:80% there. You were exclusive so acting like you were in a committed relationship should have been happening anyway. You weren't asking for marriage you were asking for phone calls.

You did the right thing, this guy was flaky. Move on. Ignore if he contacts you again. I think he probably will. I simply wouldn't trust him, something is off with him.

YES! After 4 months of dating, my now husband and I were talking on the phone often because we actually liked hearing about the other person’s day or problems or funny stories. We liked each other and really didn’t want to not talk to each other.

Good for you, OP, to know what you deserve and what is possible.

So many guys nowadays only text and say they are not "phone guys", which is fine, but at some point further along it becomes a bit ridiculous to never pick up the phone.

I would be VERY wary of someone not able or not willing to have back and forth conversations with me in person or on the phone regularly. It becomes a real communication problem if you were married or raising kids or managing more than just yourself:

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you started out saying the relationship was "amazing" which is why so many posters responded negatively telling you to give it time and just chill. But your follow ups reveal that it is not amazing for you--he doesn't call you, only texts you in response, doesn't make plans in advance and, most importantly, doesn't want to move at the speed and level of intimacy that you want. There is nothing wrong with how he is operating, but nothing wrong with what you want either. People telling you to give it time are not in your relationship and may prefer something light hearted and more casual or at least slower. All that being said, I think that he is confused because he believes, on the surface, he is doing all the 'boyfriend' things and the relationship is, to him, what you both agreed upon. You see each other 2/3 times a week and are exclusive and do things besides have sex. It us possible that he is emotionally more shut down/cautious but doesn't recognize what it is you want/need, which is deeper intimacy--and that in and of itself a sign of emotional incompatibility.

I largely agree with this, but I have a slightly different take. He is more literal and self sufficient than OP. When she said she was 100% in she exaggerated and when he said he was 80% he was being literal and serious about what he could realistically say. I believe OP and this guy will miss each other and probably be back in touch by January, very likely have sex again within 3-4 weeks and revisit this whole business. They will probably continue to have this back and forth pattern until OP compromises on her ideals and accepts that just because he is literal and unimaginative, that doesn’t mean he’s not there for her. He isn’t taking the time to court and seduce her and be all over her. But a guy who does that may not have the stamina for the long run. It’s just a tricky thing. As for him, he’s probably really thunderstruck and didn’t see this coming because he is giving all he can. I am guessing that he just doesn’t have a lot of imagination and is contented with little, which IME is not a bad thing for a guy longterm as he won’t get a wandering eye. Let’s see if he has any fight in him. If he doesn’t he’ll just slink away into the bushes, and if he does keep coming back and show some stubbornness maybe OP will be won over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you started out saying the relationship was "amazing" which is why so many posters responded negatively telling you to give it time and just chill. But your follow ups reveal that it is not amazing for you--he doesn't call you, only texts you in response, doesn't make plans in advance and, most importantly, doesn't want to move at the speed and level of intimacy that you want. There is nothing wrong with how he is operating, but nothing wrong with what you want either. People telling you to give it time are not in your relationship and may prefer something light hearted and more casual or at least slower. All that being said, I think that he is confused because he believes, on the surface, he is doing all the 'boyfriend' things and the relationship is, to him, what you both agreed upon. You see each other 2/3 times a week and are exclusive and do things besides have sex. It us possible that he is emotionally more shut down/cautious but doesn't recognize what it is you want/need, which is deeper intimacy--and that in and of itself a sign of emotional incompatibility.

I largely agree with this, but I have a slightly different take. He is more literal and self sufficient than OP. When she said she was 100% in she exaggerated and when he said he was 80% he was being literal and serious about what he could realistically say. I believe OP and this guy will miss each other and probably be back in touch by January, very likely have sex again within 3-4 weeks and revisit this whole business. They will probably continue to have this back and forth pattern until OP compromises on her ideals and accepts that just because he is literal and unimaginative, that doesn’t mean he’s not there for her. He isn’t taking the time to court and seduce her and be all over her. But a guy who does that may not have the stamina for the long run. It’s just a tricky thing. As for him, he’s probably really thunderstruck and didn’t see this coming because he is giving all he can. I am guessing that he just doesn’t have a lot of imagination and is contented with little, which IME is not a bad thing for a guy longterm as he won’t get a wandering eye. Let’s see if he has any fight in him. If he doesn’t he’ll just slink away into the bushes, and if he does keep coming back and show some stubbornness maybe OP will be won over.

This is a very insightful take!

[Anonymous]

OP wants 100% or nothing. Lower your expectations or remain single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you started out saying the relationship was "amazing" which is why so many posters responded negatively telling you to give it time and just chill. But your follow ups reveal that it is not amazing for you--he doesn't call you, only texts you in response, doesn't make plans in advance and, most importantly, doesn't want to move at the speed and level of intimacy that you want. There is nothing wrong with how he is operating, but nothing wrong with what you want either. People telling you to give it time are not in your relationship and may prefer something light hearted and more casual or at least slower. All that being said, I think that he is confused because he believes, on the surface, he is doing all the 'boyfriend' things and the relationship is, to him, what you both agreed upon. You see each other 2/3 times a week and are exclusive and do things besides have sex. It us possible that he is emotionally more shut down/cautious but doesn't recognize what it is you want/need, which is deeper intimacy--and that in and of itself a sign of emotional incompatibility.

I largely agree with this, but I have a slightly different take. He is more literal and self sufficient than OP. When she said she was 100% in she exaggerated and when he said he was 80% he was being literal and serious about what he could realistically say. I believe OP and this guy will miss each other and probably be back in touch by January, very likely have sex again within 3-4 weeks and revisit this whole business. They will probably continue to have this back and forth pattern until OP compromises on her ideals and accepts that just because he is literal and unimaginative, that doesn’t mean he’s not there for her. He isn’t taking the time to court and seduce her and be all over her. But a guy who does that may not have the stamina for the long run. It’s just a tricky thing. As for him, he’s probably really thunderstruck and didn’t see this coming because he is giving all he can. I am guessing that he just doesn’t have a lot of imagination and is contented with little, which IME is not a bad thing for a guy longterm as he won’t get a wandering eye. Let’s see if he has any fight in him. If he doesn’t he’ll just slink away into the bushes, and if he does keep coming back and show some stubbornness maybe OP will be won over.

NP here but wow, I feel like you just described my relationship. I've been sympathetic with the OP because I sometimes feel the way she feels, albeit to a slightly lesser degree.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible he said 80% because he’s not sure how it would work with her kids?

[Anonymous]

OK, I was in a similar situation a few weeks ago and I have no regrets for standing firm. I think you are better off too. you know what you want and you deserve someone who sees a relationship the same way you do. All the PPs who responded negatively to you I imagine are dating casually, similarly to your now X. It’s ridiculous that after four months you have zero idea whether you could make plans together around the holidays. Good luck, now that you’re not entangled with a wishy-washy man you have a much better chance of finding what do you want in a partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, I was in a similar situation a few weeks ago and I have no regrets for standing firm. I think you are better off too. you know what you want and you deserve someone who sees a relationship the same way you do. All the PPs who responded negatively to you I imagine are dating casually, similarly to your now X. It’s ridiculous that after four months you have zero idea whether you could make plans together around the holidays. Good luck, now that you’re not entangled with a wishy-washy man you have a much better chance of finding what do you want in a partner.

Has he tried to reach out since then?

[Anonymous]

I'm still stuck on how the two of you are "exclusive" but not committed. Wtf is the difference? Semantics. This sounds exhausting. 4 months is long enough to know if you want someone to be your gf/bf. 1 month is long enough to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm still stuck on how the two of you are "exclusive" but not committed. Wtf is the difference? Semantics. This sounds exhausting. 4 months is long enough to know if you want someone to be your gf/bf. 1 month is long enough to know.

They are exclusive sexually only, they can date other people. OP initiate the talk, she was probably hoping it would translate into bf/gf status.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK, I was in a similar situation a few weeks ago and I have no regrets for standing firm. I think you are better off too. you know what you want and you deserve someone who sees a relationship the same way you do. All the PPs who responded negatively to you I imagine are dating casually, similarly to your now X. It’s ridiculous that after four months you have zero idea whether you could make plans together around the holidays. Good luck, now that you’re not entangled with a wishy-washy man you have a much better chance of finding what do you want in a partner.

Has he tried to reach out since then?

Yes, once. I didn’t take the bait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP wants 100% or nothing. Lower your expectations or remain single.

Disagree… I am the PP above who wrote that the guy is literal and unimaginative. I think you cannot be a romantic and be in a relationship with someone like this unless they are willing to go all in practically. You are never going to get some fantasy blah blahs to keep your heart pumping so the guy needs to want to at least be present, like a rock. Like a rock he will probably move slowly toward that. Anyway — I wrote above that OP will need to compromise, probably this guy will need to compromise and want to do things OP wants him to do even if in his practical, self sufficient way he sees it as totally unnecessary. Depends on how much he likes her. It is smart of her to tell him he can have all or nothing as a guy like this will continue on putting in what is minimum to maintain as long as he doesn’t see the necessity of changing.

[Anonymous]

Proud of you OP!

I'm in the very similar situation as you but ten years older (which I realize puts my in a bit of a different situation). We've been causally dating for four months Haven't slept together yet. I had the same talk with you on Saturday as you did last week. I basically said that I'm not sure whether he is the one, and the only way we will find out is if we try becoming more serious. Give it a shot. We both have very full busy lives, so there are challenges. Timing is less than ideal, but the only way we would know is by giving it a shot and see what an exclusive relationship looks like. If he's unsure about taking that step, then let's take that as I'm not the one. That's okay. We're adults. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. As it stands the relationship is definitely going no where, and it doesn't feel right. He asked for a little time to decide. I'm giving him that. In all fairness, his life is really crazy right now with two adult children who suffering from serious mental health issues, major divorce and a very BIG job which is very demanding. I told him of course I'll be sad, if he couldn't take the step but it was the healthy thing for me to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP wants 100% or nothing. Lower your expectations or remain single.

Lowering your expectations only makes us unhappy and resentful in the long run. Better a happy single then a unhappy relationship gnawing away at your self worth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP wants 100% or nothing. Lower your expectations or remain single.

Disagree… I am the PP above who wrote that the guy is literal and unimaginative. I think you cannot be a romantic and be in a relationship with someone like this unless they are willing to go all in practically. You are never going to get some fantasy blah blahs to keep your heart pumping so the guy needs to want to at least be present, like a rock. Like a rock he will probably move slowly toward that. Anyway — I wrote above that OP will need to compromise, probably this guy will need to compromise and want to do things OP wants him to do even if in his practical, self sufficient way he sees it as totally unnecessary. Depends on how much he likes her. It is smart of her to tell him he can have all or nothing as a guy like this will continue on putting in what is minimum to maintain as long as he doesn’t see the necessity of changing.

Also this is not an instance where it's good to lower your expectations. There are lots of ways that it's better to be flexible about hwat you want - someone's height, their career, blah blah blah. But being treated in a way that makes you feel stable and secure in the relationship? No, absolutely not. That's not the place to be flexible.