Friends who cannot seem to get away - what gives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m way too tired for evening commitments if I have a job plus kids.

Truth.

OP, kids aren’t small forever. Why can’t you be flexible?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:For those of you turning down invitations to go out at night, consider that if you keep saying no people will stop inviting you. Consider whether you want to maintain the friendship. If you do, try to say yes sometimes. Also keep in mind that as your kids enter elementary they will start having activities that make getting together on weekends very difficult. If you want to see certain friends a Thursday night dinner may be your only option.

I can’t relate at all to people who don’t ever want to go out. This board seems to skew toward homebody/introvert types. I am not out partying every night but a couple times per month is a great way to stay connected with friends. And I have to laugh at the posters saying it’s not fair to their husband to leave them alone with a couple kids. What do you think single parents or military spouses do? Some parents make bedtime out to be some crazy complicated process that requires two people. It really doesn’t when it comes down to it. You are making it that way.

NP. LOL, thanks for the advice.

Here’s something for you to consider: Just because I’m turning down invites *from you* doesn’t mean I’m turning down all the invites. It also doesn’t mean that I’m not inviting other friends to do things. Do you get it? You’re the one I’m willing to see every now and then for a coffee.

I’m not the one who organizes the dinners. I get invited to them and I try to say yes when I can so I can stay connected to those friends. No need to make it about me. I’m not the OP and I don’t have friends who tell me no because I am basically my other friends are more the organizing types. But I see that the moms who say no all the time stop getting included because after a while everyone just expects them to say no.

And no I don’t place my friends in a hierarchy like you describe. That is weird.

I mean...great for you. Why do you assume that the moms who stop getting invited give a flip?

There are tons of posts on DCUM about being lonely, having no friends, asking how to make friends as adults...seems a lot of people DO want friends and WOULD care about not being invited out anymore. But to have a friend you need to be a friend. You can't ignore someone for two (three, four) years, then turn around and be like, "now I'm ready to be friends again!"

…who said I would? I keep in touch and go out with high-priority friends. You are B Team. Take the hint.

I wonder what compels someone to write such a post beyond being deeply sad and insecure. Who ranks friends on a "B Team"? Is this seventh grade? Grow up.

At least I’m honest. Can you be honest? How many people were invited to your wedding? Weren’t there at least a handful of friends and a few couples, likely also a few colleagues with whom you are friends, that you just couldn’t invite? That’s your B Team.

I’m sorry you can’t handle some simple shorthand for, “Friends I like and enjoy spending time with when I can, but who aren’t the very closest friends that I move mountains for.”

[Anonymous]

When my kids were under 18mo, I was nursing. If I skipped bedtime nursing, I would be uncomfortable and unable to enjoy a night out. Now that my kids are young elementary grades, I like to read their stories, but I do go out. Thankfully my friends either don’t have kids and don’t mind meeting at a bar at 9 or 10pm or have kids the same ages and come over for wine on the porch when our kids are asleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was probably one of those women. You're right that it was hard for my DH to put them to bed without me. You can try and unpack why it was -- perhaps my DH could have been more helpful -- but like many things, there were many factors involved -- nursing to sleep (initially) led to a mommy preference. And kids like routines, they don't like changes in the routine. Could we have made an effort to get them to like Daddy putting to bed too? Sure, but we're both tired at the end of the day and changing up the routine (when one routine worked well) was just not the priority list, just so I could go out a couple times a month.

Also I was just spent at the end of the workday, so a weekday dinner or drinks date really wasn't that appealing.

My kids are much older now so I don't have a dog in this fight. Now I leave whenever I feel like it. You should realize that the time that this is a problem is short, and as long as your friends are willing to get together other times, it's really not worth making a big deal out of it. Otherwise, you're just being smug that you have an easy home routine.

X 1000000000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:For those of you turning down invitations to go out at night, consider that if you keep saying no people will stop inviting you. Consider whether you want to maintain the friendship. If you do, try to say yes sometimes. Also keep in mind that as your kids enter elementary they will start having activities that make getting together on weekends very difficult. If you want to see certain friends a Thursday night dinner may be your only option.

I can’t relate at all to people who don’t ever want to go out. This board seems to skew toward homebody/introvert types. I am not out partying every night but a couple times per month is a great way to stay connected with friends. And I have to laugh at the posters saying it’s not fair to their husband to leave them alone with a couple kids. What do you think single parents or military spouses do? Some parents make bedtime out to be some crazy complicated process that requires two people. It really doesn’t when it comes down to it. You are making it that way.

NP. LOL, thanks for the advice.

Here’s something for you to consider: Just because I’m turning down invites *from you* doesn’t mean I’m turning down all the invites. It also doesn’t mean that I’m not inviting other friends to do things. Do you get it? You’re the one I’m willing to see every now and then for a coffee.

I’m not the one who organizes the dinners. I get invited to them and I try to say yes when I can so I can stay connected to those friends. No need to make it about me. I’m not the OP and I don’t have friends who tell me no because I am basically my other friends are more the organizing types. But I see that the moms who say no all the time stop getting included because after a while everyone just expects them to say no.

And no I don’t place my friends in a hierarchy like you describe. That is weird.

I mean...great for you. Why do you assume that the moms who stop getting invited give a flip?

There are tons of posts on DCUM about being lonely, having no friends, asking how to make friends as adults...seems a lot of people DO want friends and WOULD care about not being invited out anymore. But to have a friend you need to be a friend. You can't ignore someone for two (three, four) years, then turn around and be like, "now I'm ready to be friends again!"

…who said I would? I keep in touch and go out with high-priority friends. You are B Team. Take the hint.

I wonder what compels someone to write such a post beyond being deeply sad and insecure. Who ranks friends on a "B Team"? Is this seventh grade? Grow up.

At least I’m honest. Can you be honest? How many people were invited to your wedding? Weren’t there at least a handful of friends and a few couples, likely also a few colleagues with whom you are friends, that you just couldn’t invite? That’s your B Team.

I’m sorry you can’t handle some simple shorthand for, “Friends I like and enjoy spending time with when I can, but who aren’t the very closest friends that I move mountains for.”

Why are you making assumptions about other people's social lives? Move along.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I both went out one night a week with friends when kids were small. I didn't nurse so it was simpler for DH. Established the routine early and it worked for us because otherwise we each (extroverts) would have fet lonely. Keeping up friendships is definitely a skill. But for some it's just not a priority. That's OK. i happen to prefer evenings as a way to wind down.

[Anonymous]

Maybe ask the people in your life in an empathetic way?

Try not to fill in blanks for others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you turning down invitations to go out at night, consider that if you keep saying no people will stop inviting you. Consider whether you want to maintain the friendship. If you do, try to say yes sometimes. Also keep in mind that as your kids enter elementary they will start having activities that make getting together on weekends very difficult. If you want to see certain friends a Thursday night dinner may be your only option.

I can’t relate at all to people who don’t ever want to go out. This board seems to skew toward homebody/introvert types. I am not out partying every night but a couple times per month is a great way to stay connected with friends. And I have to laugh at the posters saying it’s not fair to their husband to leave them alone with a couple kids. What do you think single parents or military spouses do? Some parents make bedtime out to be some crazy complicated process that requires two people. It really doesn’t when it comes down to it. You are making it that way.

NP. LOL, thanks for the advice.

Here’s something for you to consider: Just because I’m turning down invites *from you* doesn’t mean I’m turning down all the invites. It also doesn’t mean that I’m not inviting other friends to do things. Do you get it? You’re the one I’m willing to see every now and then for a coffee.

I’m not the one who organizes the dinners. I get invited to them and I try to say yes when I can so I can stay connected to those friends. No need to make it about me. I’m not the OP and I don’t have friends who tell me no because I am basically my other friends are more the organizing types. But I see that the moms who say no all the time stop getting included because after a while everyone just expects them to say no.

And no I don’t place my friends in a hierarchy like you describe. That is weird.

I mean...great for you. Why do you assume that the moms who stop getting invited give a flip?

There are tons of posts on DCUM about being lonely, having no friends, asking how to make friends as adults...seems a lot of people DO want friends and WOULD care about not being invited out anymore. But to have a friend you need to be a friend. You can't ignore someone for two (three, four) years, then turn around and be like, "now I'm ready to be friends again!"

…who said I would? I keep in touch and go out with high-priority friends. You are B Team. Take the hint.

I wonder what compels someone to write such a post beyond being deeply sad and insecure. Who ranks friends on a "B Team"? Is this seventh grade? Grow up.

At least I’m honest. Can you be honest? How many people were invited to your wedding? Weren’t there at least a handful of friends and a few couples, likely also a few colleagues with whom you are friends, that you just couldn’t invite? That’s your B Team.

I’m sorry you can’t handle some simple shorthand for, “Friends I like and enjoy spending time with when I can, but who aren’t the very closest friends that I move mountains for.”

Why are you making assumptions about other people's social lives? Move along.

Not you dodging a question you don’t want to answer…

[Anonymous]

OP, they aren't willing to socialize your way. Making this better would be, to at least know, in what way they could socialize. Their way may be worth it to you, or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you turning down invitations to go out at night, consider that if you keep saying no people will stop inviting you. Consider whether you want to maintain the friendship. If you do, try to say yes sometimes. Also keep in mind that as your kids enter elementary they will start having activities that make getting together on weekends very difficult. If you want to see certain friends a Thursday night dinner may be your only option.

I can’t relate at all to people who don’t ever want to go out. This board seems to skew toward homebody/introvert types. I am not out partying every night but a couple times per month is a great way to stay connected with friends. And I have to laugh at the posters saying it’s not fair to their husband to leave them alone with a couple kids. What do you think single parents or military spouses do? Some parents make bedtime out to be some crazy complicated process that requires two people. It really doesn’t when it comes down to it. You are making it that way.

NP. LOL, thanks for the advice.

Here’s something for you to consider: Just because I’m turning down invites *from you* doesn’t mean I’m turning down all the invites. It also doesn’t mean that I’m not inviting other friends to do things. Do you get it? You’re the one I’m willing to see every now and then for a coffee.

I’m not the one who organizes the dinners. I get invited to them and I try to say yes when I can so I can stay connected to those friends. No need to make it about me. I’m not the OP and I don’t have friends who tell me no because I am basically my other friends are more the organizing types. But I see that the moms who say no all the time stop getting included because after a while everyone just expects them to say no.

And no I don’t place my friends in a hierarchy like you describe. That is weird.

I mean...great for you. Why do you assume that the moms who stop getting invited give a flip?

There are tons of posts on DCUM about being lonely, having no friends, asking how to make friends as adults...seems a lot of people DO want friends and WOULD care about not being invited out anymore. But to have a friend you need to be a friend. You can't ignore someone for two (three, four) years, then turn around and be like, "now I'm ready to be friends again!"

…who said I would? I keep in touch and go out with high-priority friends. You are B Team. Take the hint.

I truly hope you're a 14-year-old girl pretending to be a mom, because otherwise, how embarrassing for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious OP do you have an infant/toddler at home?

I do! My DH takes charge if i go out to meet friends.

How many kids do you have and what age?

Currently have a K and 5th-grader, but this was always the case even when they were infants-toddlers.

NP. So…you *don’t* have an infant or toddler.

Can you read?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you turning down invitations to go out at night, consider that if you keep saying no people will stop inviting you. Consider whether you want to maintain the friendship. If you do, try to say yes sometimes. Also keep in mind that as your kids enter elementary they will start having activities that make getting together on weekends very difficult. If you want to see certain friends a Thursday night dinner may be your only option.

I can’t relate at all to people who don’t ever want to go out. This board seems to skew toward homebody/introvert types. I am not out partying every night but a couple times per month is a great way to stay connected with friends. And I have to laugh at the posters saying it’s not fair to their husband to leave them alone with a couple kids. What do you think single parents or military spouses do? Some parents make bedtime out to be some crazy complicated process that requires two people. It really doesn’t when it comes down to it. You are making it that way.

NP. LOL, thanks for the advice.

Here’s something for you to consider: Just because I’m turning down invites *from you* doesn’t mean I’m turning down all the invites. It also doesn’t mean that I’m not inviting other friends to do things. Do you get it? You’re the one I’m willing to see every now and then for a coffee.

I’m not the one who organizes the dinners. I get invited to them and I try to say yes when I can so I can stay connected to those friends. No need to make it about me. I’m not the OP and I don’t have friends who tell me no because I am basically my other friends are more the organizing types. But I see that the moms who say no all the time stop getting included because after a while everyone just expects them to say no.

And no I don’t place my friends in a hierarchy like you describe. That is weird.

I mean...great for you. Why do you assume that the moms who stop getting invited give a flip?

There are tons of posts on DCUM about being lonely, having no friends, asking how to make friends as adults...seems a lot of people DO want friends and WOULD care about not being invited out anymore. But to have a friend you need to be a friend. You can't ignore someone for two (three, four) years, then turn around and be like, "now I'm ready to be friends again!"

…who said I would? I keep in touch and go out with high-priority friends. You are B Team. Take the hint.

I wonder what compels someone to write such a post beyond being deeply sad and insecure. Who ranks friends on a "B Team"? Is this seventh grade? Grow up.

At least I’m honest. Can you be honest? How many people were invited to your wedding? Weren’t there at least a handful of friends and a few couples, likely also a few colleagues with whom you are friends, that you just couldn’t invite? That’s your B Team.

I’m sorry you can’t handle some simple shorthand for, “Friends I like and enjoy spending time with when I can, but who aren’t the very closest friends that I move mountains for.”

Why are you making assumptions about other people's social lives? Move along.

Not you dodging a question you don’t want to answer…

Who are you even speaking to, and what are you talking about? You seem angry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious OP do you have an infant/toddler at home?

I do! My DH takes charge if i go out to meet friends.

How many kids do you have and what age?

Currently have a K and 5th-grader, but this was always the case even when they were infants-toddlers.

NP. So…you *don’t* have an infant or toddler.

Can you read?

Yes! I love mysteries, thrillers, and French lit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you turning down invitations to go out at night, consider that if you keep saying no people will stop inviting you. Consider whether you want to maintain the friendship. If you do, try to say yes sometimes. Also keep in mind that as your kids enter elementary they will start having activities that make getting together on weekends very difficult. If you want to see certain friends a Thursday night dinner may be your only option.

I can’t relate at all to people who don’t ever want to go out. This board seems to skew toward homebody/introvert types. I am not out partying every night but a couple times per month is a great way to stay connected with friends. And I have to laugh at the posters saying it’s not fair to their husband to leave them alone with a couple kids. What do you think single parents or military spouses do? Some parents make bedtime out to be some crazy complicated process that requires two people. It really doesn’t when it comes down to it. You are making it that way.

NP. LOL, thanks for the advice.

Here’s something for you to consider: Just because I’m turning down invites *from you* doesn’t mean I’m turning down all the invites. It also doesn’t mean that I’m not inviting other friends to do things. Do you get it? You’re the one I’m willing to see every now and then for a coffee.

I’m not the one who organizes the dinners. I get invited to them and I try to say yes when I can so I can stay connected to those friends. No need to make it about me. I’m not the OP and I don’t have friends who tell me no because I am basically my other friends are more the organizing types. But I see that the moms who say no all the time stop getting included because after a while everyone just expects them to say no.

And no I don’t place my friends in a hierarchy like you describe. That is weird.

I mean...great for you. Why do you assume that the moms who stop getting invited give a flip?

There are tons of posts on DCUM about being lonely, having no friends, asking how to make friends as adults...seems a lot of people DO want friends and WOULD care about not being invited out anymore. But to have a friend you need to be a friend. You can't ignore someone for two (three, four) years, then turn around and be like, "now I'm ready to be friends again!"

…who said I would? I keep in touch and go out with high-priority friends. You are B Team. Take the hint.

Hon, your Music Together play dates with other spit-up soaked mommies don’t count as going out.

Why do you care what others do? Not enough going on in your own life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you turning down invitations to go out at night, consider that if you keep saying no people will stop inviting you. Consider whether you want to maintain the friendship. If you do, try to say yes sometimes. Also keep in mind that as your kids enter elementary they will start having activities that make getting together on weekends very difficult. If you want to see certain friends a Thursday night dinner may be your only option.

I can’t relate at all to people who don’t ever want to go out. This board seems to skew toward homebody/introvert types. I am not out partying every night but a couple times per month is a great way to stay connected with friends. And I have to laugh at the posters saying it’s not fair to their husband to leave them alone with a couple kids. What do you think single parents or military spouses do? Some parents make bedtime out to be some crazy complicated process that requires two people. It really doesn’t when it comes down to it. You are making it that way.

NP. LOL, thanks for the advice.

Here’s something for you to consider: Just because I’m turning down invites *from you* doesn’t mean I’m turning down all the invites. It also doesn’t mean that I’m not inviting other friends to do things. Do you get it? You’re the one I’m willing to see every now and then for a coffee.

I’m not the one who organizes the dinners. I get invited to them and I try to say yes when I can so I can stay connected to those friends. No need to make it about me. I’m not the OP and I don’t have friends who tell me no because I am basically my other friends are more the organizing types. But I see that the moms who say no all the time stop getting included because after a while everyone just expects them to say no.

And no I don’t place my friends in a hierarchy like you describe. That is weird.

I mean...great for you. Why do you assume that the moms who stop getting invited give a flip?

There are tons of posts on DCUM about being lonely, having no friends, asking how to make friends as adults...seems a lot of people DO want friends and WOULD care about not being invited out anymore. But to have a friend you need to be a friend. You can't ignore someone for two (three, four) years, then turn around and be like, "now I'm ready to be friends again!"

…who said I would? I keep in touch and go out with high-priority friends. You are B Team. Take the hint.

I wonder what compels someone to write such a post beyond being deeply sad and insecure. Who ranks friends on a "B Team"? Is this seventh grade? Grow up.

At least I’m honest. Can you be honest? How many people were invited to your wedding? Weren’t there at least a handful of friends and a few couples, likely also a few colleagues with whom you are friends, that you just couldn’t invite? That’s your B Team.

I’m sorry you can’t handle some simple shorthand for, “Friends I like and enjoy spending time with when I can, but who aren’t the very closest friends that I move mountains for.”

Why are you making assumptions about other people's social lives? Move along.

PP, it's pretty normal for people to have very close friends and more casual friends. Don't know why you're so offended by this notion.