Twin play date, one twin left out…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well we were very lucky. First we lived in Bethesda where there are many twins. But second two best friends who had very different DDs arranged our play dates with our DDs who were a good match with their DDs. 4 and K are such tender ages. It worked out for us.
We had other friends who had twins so four at play dates. And still others with sibs a year apart so that worked. But the singleton princesses … we just didn’t have time for the drama. We had enough invites.
ES they grew apart but we still had many group activities. Twin moms are usually pretty resilient.

I dunno, a lot of thin-skinned people on this thread. And making fun of and stereotyping only children doesn't make you look better.

[Anonymous]

Don’t ask.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You do what you want. It happened in my neighborhood and rubbed some people the wrong way, so some chose to invite neither twin. But you gotta do what you gotta do.

I think this happens a lot. Parents of twins who insist on togetherness view them as one entity whereas everyone else sees two kids. The parents who try to force the twins to do everything together are inadvertently shrinking their world. Play dates are just one example, but every child needs relationships that are independent of their siblings—especially twins! It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy that they have such a “strong bond” that they can’t be apart. (And the line between strong bond and codependency gets very blurry.)

Well yea, if you never give them the opportunity…

Seriously twin parents are perfectly capable of managing this without your help.

+1000000000000000000000000000000

This thread started because OP *isn't* capable of managing it herself, and expects the friend's parents to manage it for her. So maybe you should lose a fewof those zeros, m'kay?

Weak. Nasty. Wouldn't let any of my kids go to your house.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:So nice to hear non-twin parents blocking friendships and penalizing kids based on a slightly awkward situation that is not at all within the kids’ control.

dp But is it really the non twin parent who is blocking friendships? It seems that twin parents are because you are not allowing individual friendships to blossom and you are elevating the twins' relationship. You are family and have tons of opportunity to bond with you twin when you are at home. Two hours away from your twin isn't going to kill anyone!

It isn’t about the difficulty being away from the other twin. I wouldn’t send both of my twins if only one was invited. It’s the idea that people don’t even want to bother inviting one twin because they feel guilty excluding the other one so they just exclude both. I agree it’s harder and there is no right answer, but it’s sad to see your kids get excluded literally just because they are twins and other parents don’t want to deal with that.

Well, if the expectation is I have to invite both it is on you for making the situation, not the host. My kid wanted to have a playdate with the one twin but, I knew it would cause problems because they did everything together. So maybe twin parents should think about this and not blame the non twin parent. It has nothing to do with extra work but, the fact that my kid is the odd person out and it would be a totally different ( not necessarily better) experience for my dd and the one twin.

I have hesitated many times before inviting one twin to come over and play because I know that the parents will feel hurt that their other twin is not invited. So we just move on to another classmate and invite them.

This is literally exactly my point. I do appreciate that you don’t want to hurt the other twin’s feelings but it’s not awesome to feel like neither kid is getting invites bc they happen to have a twin and people don’t want to be awkward/entangled.

But are any twin parents saying this is happening to them and neither of their kids are getting invites?

Honestly, my twins played mostly with the following:
1) other sets of twins — moms “got it”
2) kids in large families — parents unfazed by chaos of a few more
3) only children or large sibling age gap — parents eager for their kids to have play dates

People with two kids 2 or 3 years apart just didn’t initiate or reciprocate with us. They did with other children, just not my twins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The twin part is a red herring. This can be boiled down to "is it all right if I invite myself/my child to someone else's house/event?"

The answer will always be NO. The only very rare exception would be close friends and family who regularly have both children over at the same time. Definitely not acquaintances who know the second child exists and chose not to extend the invitation.

If you feel letting one child go to a playdate without the other child is too disruptive for your family, it is on YOU to say no thank you and decline altogether.

But, but, but, what about the BOND???"

I have never seen so many thirsty, jealous moms as when twins are brought up. Sorry you didn't win that lottery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The twin part is a red herring. This can be boiled down to "is it all right if I invite myself/my child to someone else's house/event?"

The answer will always be NO. The only very rare exception would be close friends and family who regularly have both children over at the same time. Definitely not acquaintances who know the second child exists and chose not to extend the invitation.

If you feel letting one child go to a playdate without the other child is too disruptive for your family, it is on YOU to say no thank you and decline altogether.

But, but, but, what about the BOND???"

I have never seen so many thirsty, jealous moms as when twins are brought up. Sorry you didn't win that lottery.

I assume IVF, let's be real. That wasn't a "lottery" many people wanted to win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The twin part is a red herring. This can be boiled down to "is it all right if I invite myself/my child to someone else's house/event?"

The answer will always be NO. The only very rare exception would be close friends and family who regularly have both children over at the same time. Definitely not acquaintances who know the second child exists and chose not to extend the invitation.

If you feel letting one child go to a playdate without the other child is too disruptive for your family, it is on YOU to say no thank you and decline altogether.

But, but, but, what about the BOND???"

I have never seen so many thirsty, jealous moms as when twins are brought up. Sorry you didn't win that lottery.

I assume IVF, let's be real. That wasn't a "lottery" many people wanted to win.

Not my experience. Had twins a few months after going off birth control. Totally spontaneous.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not. This girl is not friends with your son. She’s friends with your daughter. It’s time your kids start making their own separate friends. They can still do activities together but you can’t force kids to be friends with both of them.

This. Absolutely not. Don’t hoist your other child on them. It will ruin the purpose and dynamic of the girls play date.

This is a mean mom who will end up with a mean girl who excludes people. Good grief, they are a month into kindergarten, it’s not like the two girls are lifelong besties who need to exclude people to uphold the “purpose and dynamic” of their play date.

Huh?! Have you ever hosted a 3 kid play date? It’s infinitely more work than a 2 or 4 kid play date. This dynamic sets up the host kid as being the odd man out. It doesn’t make sense.

Yes, as a twin mom I have hosted many 3 kid play dates by default. More often than not there is no odd man out (truly!) but it’s nearly never the non twin.

You keep doubling down on this, but the point remains, this is no different than any other parent requiring a sibling to tag along on every play date. Sure, I can make it work if I’m doing you a favor, but do I want every play date to be about YOU on your terms? Probably not. Sometimes there are family dynamics that are important for the host family too—did you ever think about that? Someone gave the example of a parent who has a baby in addition to the elementary school kid. I’ll give another. I have two kids and I tell each one they can invite one friend over. This works well for my family. If one kid gets 2 friends then my other kid wants 2 friends too and that’s way too many kids to supervise easily. Then the fun and enjoyable play date becomes work and exhausting.

The end result is both your kids will receive fewer invitations.

Yes I have met moms like you. Don’t want you. Don’t need you. Did anyone let you know your kid is a brat? Now might be a good time.

Not the pp but, lashing out a stranger's kid isn't a good look.

Not lashing out just replying in kind. You telling me how to raise my kids. Im telling you you don’t seem very nice. I don’t think your attitude is a good look.

NP - I've reread the previous post a couple of times, and can't find where the PP is "telling you how to raise your kids" - she's telling you how she sees and reacts to situations. Can you point it out?

And regardless, even if she did what you suggested, an attack on someone's kid is not "replying in kind."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You do what you want. It happened in my neighborhood and rubbed some people the wrong way, so some chose to invite neither twin. But you gotta do what you gotta do.

I think this happens a lot. Parents of twins who insist on togetherness view them as one entity whereas everyone else sees two kids. The parents who try to force the twins to do everything together are inadvertently shrinking their world. Play dates are just one example, but every child needs relationships that are independent of their siblings—especially twins! It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy that they have such a “strong bond” that they can’t be apart. (And the line between strong bond and codependency gets very blurry.)

Well yea, if you never give them the opportunity…

Seriously twin parents are perfectly capable of managing this without your help.

+1000000000000000000000000000000

This thread started because OP *isn't* capable of managing it herself, and expects the friend's parents to manage it for her. So maybe you should lose a fewof those zeros, m'kay?

Weak. Nasty. Wouldn't let any of my kids go to your house.

What about the PP is inaccurate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The twin part is a red herring. This can be boiled down to "is it all right if I invite myself/my child to someone else's house/event?"

The answer will always be NO. The only very rare exception would be close friends and family who regularly have both children over at the same time. Definitely not acquaintances who know the second child exists and chose not to extend the invitation.

If you feel letting one child go to a playdate without the other child is too disruptive for your family, it is on YOU to say no thank you and decline altogether.

But, but, but, what about the BOND???"

I have never seen so many thirsty, jealous moms as when twins are brought up. Sorry you didn't win that lottery.

I assume IVF, let's be real. That wasn't a "lottery" many people wanted to win.

Not my experience. Had twins a few months after going off birth control. Totally spontaneous.

Of course it happens. But almost all the twins I know are from IVF because I know their moms and they have been open about it. It's not a big deal, but it's common enough that unless they are identical I will assume IVF unless told otherwise. Because that's the case with the advanced maternal age moms I see the most often.

[Anonymous]

It seems that "twin mom" has replaced "boy mom," with the same dynamics - people to whom it applies lean into it, and the rest of the parents out there roll their eyes, either internally or, on occasion, publicly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems that "twin mom" has replaced "boy mom," with the same dynamics - people to whom it applies lean into it, and the rest of the parents out there roll their eyes, either internally or, on occasion, publicly.

Way to generalize and stereotype! Well done! Pat yourself on the back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The twin part is a red herring. This can be boiled down to "is it all right if I invite myself/my child to someone else's house/event?"

The answer will always be NO. The only very rare exception would be close friends and family who regularly have both children over at the same time. Definitely not acquaintances who know the second child exists and chose not to extend the invitation.

If you feel letting one child go to a playdate without the other child is too disruptive for your family, it is on YOU to say no thank you and decline altogether.

But, but, but, what about the BOND???"

I have never seen so many thirsty, jealous moms as when twins are brought up. Sorry you didn't win that lottery.

I assume IVF, let's be real. That wasn't a "lottery" many people wanted to win.

Not my experience. Had twins a few months after going off birth control. Totally spontaneous.

Of course it happens. But almost all the twins I know are from IVF because I know their moms and they have been open about it. It's not a big deal, but it's common enough that unless they are identical I will assume IVF unless told otherwise. Because that's the case with the advanced maternal age moms I see the most often.

You know what they compare assumptions to...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The twin part is a red herring. This can be boiled down to "is it all right if I invite myself/my child to someone else's house/event?"

The answer will always be NO. The only very rare exception would be close friends and family who regularly have both children over at the same time. Definitely not acquaintances who know the second child exists and chose not to extend the invitation.

If you feel letting one child go to a playdate without the other child is too disruptive for your family, it is on YOU to say no thank you and decline altogether.

But, but, but, what about the BOND???"

I have never seen so many thirsty, jealous moms as when twins are brought up. Sorry you didn't win that lottery.

I assume IVF, let's be real. That wasn't a "lottery" many people wanted to win.

Not my experience. Had twins a few months after going off birth control. Totally spontaneous.

Of course it happens. But almost all the twins I know are from IVF because I know their moms and they have been open about it. It's not a big deal, but it's common enough that unless they are identical I will assume IVF unless told otherwise. Because that's the case with the advanced maternal age moms I see the most often.

You know what they compare assumptions to...

Well assuming people are motivated by jealousy is a pretty odd assumption. Don't be surprised when people make assumptions about you as well.

[Anonymous]

I have 7-year-old twin girls and I send them on separate play dates.

Let them have their own lives, especially since they're different genders and this kid hasn't been in class with your son!