Never get second or third date. Why am I so easy to pass over?

[Anonymous]

Washington DC is a very abnormal dating market. People move here because they want to change the world, and they take their jobs and career very seriously. This behavior carries over to the DC dating market. Dating in the DC area is not unlike going on a job interview.

When you interview for a job, you know that they are considering many candidates and the first round of interviews is mostly about thinning out the applicant pool. How many times have you interviewed for your dream job, you thought it went great, but the employer never called you back? Dating in DC works the same way. All you can do is keep trying, or move to a more "normal" city where people don't take life so seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am turned off by women’s epic travel stories. Reading profiles from women that post all their pictures from Tibet, Rome, on safari etc and blather on and on about passport stamps is annoying and sets an unrealistic expectation for others. Like it’s all you talk about, all your interested in and it’s a sneak peak into the future relationship. People who haven’t been to those exotic locales can’t relate.

+1

It's not even not being to those places; everyone can buy a cheap ticket and go anywhere. It's making it your entire personality that's the issue, which sounds like a defense mechanism against actually having one.

It's actually about your low self-esteem and that you won't easily be able to impress a woman like OP.

Maybe you are right, but I'm a woman and I can't stand all the travel talk that people get into.

Frankly, I think if you buy into travel and exotic destination porn, you are selfishly destroying the environment both through you own air travel and by visiting some place that is probably pretty special on our earth. The earth is not here as our plaything. We need to respect and protect it. If you think you are exempt, you are wrong. Watch travel tv or explore the wildlife in your own area first.

So sure, maybe it is low self-esteem I totally own that I have it, but i'm not impressed by that level of selfishness. I think it is an adrenaline rush and it makes you feel important by visiting these places.

I'm married though and not out looking for a man, but just want to say that not everyone holds the same values and Op and PP can both find their people. I do judge you for your travel. I would also ohhhh and ahhh to your face when you describe it so you will never know what I really think because I'm just being nice.

PP, i'm totally coming around to this belief as well. I used to travel a lot, but the combination of Covid (forced stop making me realize that it's not necessary) and the climate emergency puts it all in a different light. so much of travel just seems like more consumption.

Your posts are highly amusing because you both fail to realize you are exactly what you accuse OP of.

NP. Who cares? What’s wrong with what they said? Excessive travelers like OP are destroying the environment and need to be stopped. Why are you so defensive? Are you also one of those crazy budget travelers who’s been to a ton of places, destroying the habitat in the process?

[Anonymous]

I just want to chime in to say - celebrate your intensity! And throw yourself into nurturing your friendships. Seek therapy - not for the dating, but for the other parts of your life that will impact your relationship some day, like family baggage, work stress, etc.

I was a lot like you in terms of seeking a relationship online and being told I was intimidating by friends. The right guy will be down for it all. But you won't recognize him - he may not come in the package you anticipated - if you aren't kind to yourself and working on truly enjoying your life as it is and as you would like it to be.

FWIW, that guy for me was my friend, who waited out my substandard online dating until I was clearheaded enough to see the lovely person in front of me. Happily married now

Good luck, and keep your head up!

[Anonymous]

There is nothing wrong with you OP. Keep doing the same thing, you will eventually find a mate. Don't listen to these haters trying to criticize who you are.

You should NEVER settle. Never apologize for who you are. Plenty of dumb and deceptive men out there. Hold on to your standards and forget about these crappy first dates.

Remember you are a QUEEN. You are stunning and brave. You will find your KING.

[Anonymous]

Didn’t read the whole thread but the travel stories are probably not going over well.

Those stories are often boring and filled with thinly veiled bragging. Unless you have a funny angle or it comes up organically, just don’t.

When I was dating a lot I found the people that relied on their extensive traveling stories often had boring personalities. It felt like over compensation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Didn’t read the whole thread but the travel stories are probably not going over well.

Those stories are often boring and filled with thinly veiled bragging. Unless you have a funny angle or it comes up organically, just don’t.

When I was dating a lot I found the people that relied on their extensive traveling stories often had boring personalities. It felt like over compensation.

Not just in dating, but in general, I feel like traveling has become not that impressive in the past decade. Air travel got cheap. So did package deals. Instagram and YouTube travel vloggers covered most tourist trap places to death. So unless you are leading one off expeditions into far flung places, travel seems so... typical?

"Oh, you went to Rome and had pasta on a tourist street,"
"Oh you went to Machu Pichu and took a picture"
"Oh you did X and Y in Z that a million other IG and FB posts have covered."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back with a few points …

1 - Yes, I figure someone would say “omg you wrote a wall of text, therefore you talk too much.” I do not talk on dates the way I write asking for self-help on an anonymous forum.
2 - Yes, I do honestly think I’m a 7/10. Am I allowed to say that? I have a great body, I am put together when I go out, and I smile and look people in the eye. I’m not strikingly gorgeous (don’t have bright eyes or high cheekbones or anything that screams WOW) but I have nice clear skin and good hygiene… at worst my face is on the plainer side of attractive, but I have a great figure.
3 - I love the ideas of “mock dates” with close male friends, and I do have a lot male friends. One has said that I may come off as “intimidating” or “too much” to some and that I need a “particular kind of guy”
4 - To clarify, I don’t really bring up politics or religion…. I do vet matches online for it just for compatibility reasons. I guess I sort of naturally feel it out through a conversation that a guy has a values system that isn’t too disparate, that he has a world view that I can appreciate.
5 - To those who say never ask if a guy wants to see me again. Point taken, and no i don’t usually, although one good relationship I had was when I asked the guy out first. I guess even in the 21st century biological instincts for men to do the chasing are still there. I just hate the games and would rather be clear and up front
6 - Yes, I really do have a hunch that it is the laying out too many “epic stories” and trying too hard thing. Interestingly, two recent rejection texts I have gotten were along the lines of “I had a lot of fun hanging out with you, I like how you are so passionate about XYZ, and you have a fascinating life, but I just don’t see this going anywhere” So they say it like those things are pluses, but the fact that they bring them up in a rejection text makes it sound like they are actually in fact minuses.
7 - Lastly, the part about being myself vs trying too hard… thing is, being really active and traveling IS who I am. Sure, I like my DC area job, but it doesn’t define me as much as my experiences mountain climbing abroad for example or my more athletic side. I know it’s pretty basic to say “I like traveling and being outdoors” but when I say it, I mean it, and I bring it up to make sure a guy is on board with my more active lifestyle and would one day like to join me on my adventures in off-the-beaten-path places. (And we’ll split the cost evenly!) I am not necessarily trying to brag, but trying to get across that I’m not into Netflix and chill and board games and staying inside. Pandemic or no pandemic.

Hi OP. People here have already commented on #7, so I thought that I would focus on the things that stood out to me in the other parts of your response. Fwiw it sounds like I am less attractive than you, but I I always did well doing online dating. What are you looking for in online dating? Are you seeking someone to have fun with now; or to have a long-term relationship and get married? My comments are focused on if you are hoping for a LTR/marriage. One thing that I learned about myself when dating is that what I wanted in a husband was not necessarily the same thing as what I wanted when dating.

3. Since these guys are your friends, It sounds like you do naturally have a pretty strong and intimidating personality, beyond just when trying too hard by telling outdoor adventure stories. And that's great! Several of my closest friends and family are women with intimindating personaltieis. As your friends mentioned, not every guy wants to be in a romantic relationship with a woman with an intimidating personality. Your pool of men is going to be much more limited since your personality is perceived as intimidating/abrasive by many men. In addition to this, it sounds like you are screening additional non-negotiable criteria including adventure-seeking and political affiliation. My opinion is that this is entirely too limiting. You are creating a very tiny pool of men.

Notice that I am not suggesting that you change your true personality or hide your views or interests or hobbies. I think that if you hope to have a successful marriage or long-term partnership, then you should be your real self early on in dating.

4. I think that what you perceive as "naturally feeling it out through a conversation" may come across differently when discussing it on a first date.

6. They are being polite and they do not want to be mean since they are letting you down when you are clearly into them. They clearly feel no connection. Men aren't interested in dating resumes. Focus more on building a connection with them, not impressing them.

7. Others have said this, but for many people hsobbies really are not important in a relationship. Before I had kids, I was like you and liked to go trips like hiking abroard. My spouse has no interest so I would go with some girl friends. You are being too picky by only being into guys who like the outdoors as much as you are. The DC area has a lot of men who tend to work long hours, which leaves less time for outdoors activities. Guys who are outdoors all of the time seem to be more concentrated in places like Colorado and California. My suggestion is to focus more on if you enjoy being around the person, rather than his hobbies. I'd gently suggest that if you can not or do not want to do this, then your rigidity and inflexibilty will make most romantic relationships very diffcult.

It sounds like you have a lot to offer. I'm sure that there are many guys our there who would be interested in dating you and I hope that you can find them. Good luck!

+1. Wonderful comment, kind but clearly identifies the problem. OP, listen to this person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds to me like you're trying too hard and it's coming off as inauthentic and boring.

When I did online dating, I went into first dates with no expectations. I saw the first date solely as a chance to "check each other out" and see if there might be some mutual attraction and enough to talk about. I didn't view it as me needing to impress or sell myself. And I didn't really see it as him needing to do that either. More like a step in between seeing a profile and going on a real date, to suss out chemistry.

It was very obvious to me when I met a man who was clearly going on a lot of first dates in an effort to find someone, and it was a turnoff. Obviously you don't to be too blasé; that's not appealing either. But it's hard to cover up earnestness, even if you think you are. You've got to find the space between not taking it too seriously right off the top and not coming off as a cool-girl doormat.

I was never not asked out on a second date, fwiw.

OP, THIS, THIS THIS!! This woman KNOWS what she’s talking about!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am turned off by women’s epic travel stories. Reading profiles from women that post all their pictures from Tibet, Rome, on safari etc and blather on and on about passport stamps is annoying and sets an unrealistic expectation for others. Like it’s all you talk about, all your interested in and it’s a sneak peak into the future relationship. People who haven’t been to those exotic locales can’t relate.

+1

It's not even not being to those places; everyone can buy a cheap ticket and go anywhere. It's making it your entire personality that's the issue, which sounds like a defense mechanism against actually having one.

It's actually about your low self-esteem and that you won't easily be able to impress a woman like OP.

Maybe you are right, but I'm a woman and I can't stand all the travel talk that people get into.

Frankly, I think if you buy into travel and exotic destination porn, you are selfishly destroying the environment both through you own air travel and by visiting some place that is probably pretty special on our earth. The earth is not here as our plaything. We need to respect and protect it. If you think you are exempt, you are wrong. Watch travel tv or explore the wildlife in your own area first.

So sure, maybe it is low self-esteem I totally own that I have it, but i'm not impressed by that level of selfishness. I think it is an adrenaline rush and it makes you feel important by visiting these places.

I'm married though and not out looking for a man, but just want to say that not everyone holds the same values and Op and PP can both find their people. I do judge you for your travel. I would also ohhhh and ahhh to your face when you describe it so you will never know what I really think because I'm just being nice.

PP, i'm totally coming around to this belief as well. I used to travel a lot, but the combination of Covid (forced stop making me realize that it's not necessary) and the climate emergency puts it all in a different light. so much of travel just seems like more consumption.

Your posts are highly amusing because you both fail to realize you are exactly what you accuse OP of.

NP. Who cares? What’s wrong with what they said? Excessive travelers like OP are destroying the environment and need to be stopped. Why are you so defensive? Are you also one of those crazy budget travelers who’s been to a ton of places, destroying the habitat in the process?

What is also bad for the environment and human rights si the phone or computer your are typing from but don't let that stop you from your virtue signaling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am turned off by women’s epic travel stories. Reading profiles from women that post all their pictures from Tibet, Rome, on safari etc and blather on and on about passport stamps is annoying and sets an unrealistic expectation for others. Like it’s all you talk about, all your interested in and it’s a sneak peak into the future relationship. People who haven’t been to those exotic locales can’t relate.

+1

It's not even not being to those places; everyone can buy a cheap ticket and go anywhere. It's making it your entire personality that's the issue, which sounds like a defense mechanism against actually having one.

It's actually about your low self-esteem and that you won't easily be able to impress a woman like OP.

Maybe you are right, but I'm a woman and I can't stand all the travel talk that people get into.

Frankly, I think if you buy into travel and exotic destination porn, you are selfishly destroying the environment both through you own air travel and by visiting some place that is probably pretty special on our earth. The earth is not here as our plaything. We need to respect and protect it. If you think you are exempt, you are wrong. Watch travel tv or explore the wildlife in your own area first.

So sure, maybe it is low self-esteem I totally own that I have it, but i'm not impressed by that level of selfishness. I think it is an adrenaline rush and it makes you feel important by visiting these places.

I'm married though and not out looking for a man, but just want to say that not everyone holds the same values and Op and PP can both find their people. I do judge you for your travel. I would also ohhhh and ahhh to your face when you describe it so you will never know what I really think because I'm just being nice.

PP, i'm totally coming around to this belief as well. I used to travel a lot, but the combination of Covid (forced stop making me realize that it's not necessary) and the climate emergency puts it all in a different light. so much of travel just seems like more consumption.

Same here.

To op’s question - I think you are coming off as braggadocios - I mean, I love a good 6th grade vocabulary word as much as the next and consider myself well educated and nerdy - but no on speaks or writes that way in a casual conversation. Maybe in a romance novel. And I completely agree with pp about the travel. My first thought is you are trying too hard to impress and my second thought is you are destroying the environment.

Love pp idea about developing questions. I’m sure you can Google a solid list of ice breaker dating questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing wrong with you OP. Keep doing the same thing, you will eventually find a mate. Don't listen to these haters trying to criticize who you are.

You should NEVER settle. Never apologize for who you are. Plenty of dumb and deceptive men out there. Hold on to your standards and forget about these crappy first dates.

Remember you are a QUEEN. You are stunning and brave. You will find your KING.

This! The problems come when you decide you aren't enough and listen to other people's negative projections of you. Be you. Someone will be into it. The one piece of advice you should take from this thread is to ditch the apps ( or find one focused on traveling/hiking) and try and meet and date guys from groups centered around your interests since it seems traveling and hiking are more than just hobbies for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn’t read the whole thread but the travel stories are probably not going over well.

Those stories are often boring and filled with thinly veiled bragging. Unless you have a funny angle or it comes up organically, just don’t.

When I was dating a lot I found the people that relied on their extensive traveling stories often had boring personalities. It felt like over compensation.

Not just in dating, but in general, I feel like traveling has become not that impressive in the past decade. Air travel got cheap. So did package deals. Instagram and YouTube travel vloggers covered most tourist trap places to death. So unless you are leading one off expeditions into far flung places, travel seems so... typical?

"Oh, you went to Rome and had pasta on a tourist street,"
"Oh you went to Machu Pichu and took a picture"
"Oh you did X and Y in Z that a million other IG and FB posts have covered."

I hear you. If I meet one more person who has been to 78 countries.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am turned off by women’s epic travel stories. Reading profiles from women that post all their pictures from Tibet, Rome, on safari etc and blather on and on about passport stamps is annoying and sets an unrealistic expectation for others. Like it’s all you talk about, all your interested in and it’s a sneak peak into the future relationship. People who haven’t been to those exotic locales can’t relate.

+1

It's not even not being to those places; everyone can buy a cheap ticket and go anywhere. It's making it your entire personality that's the issue, which sounds like a defense mechanism against actually having one.

It's actually about your low self-esteem and that you won't easily be able to impress a woman like OP.

Maybe you are right, but I'm a woman and I can't stand all the travel talk that people get into.

Frankly, I think if you buy into travel and exotic destination porn, you are selfishly destroying the environment both through you own air travel and by visiting some place that is probably pretty special on our earth. The earth is not here as our plaything. We need to respect and protect it. If you think you are exempt, you are wrong. Watch travel tv or explore the wildlife in your own area first.

So sure, maybe it is low self-esteem I totally own that I have it, but i'm not impressed by that level of selfishness. I think it is an adrenaline rush and it makes you feel important by visiting these places.

I'm married though and not out looking for a man, but just want to say that not everyone holds the same values and Op and PP can both find their people. I do judge you for your travel. I would also ohhhh and ahhh to your face when you describe it so you will never know what I really think because I'm just being nice.

PP, i'm totally coming around to this belief as well. I used to travel a lot, but the combination of Covid (forced stop making me realize that it's not necessary) and the climate emergency puts it all in a different light. so much of travel just seems like more consumption.

Your posts are highly amusing because you both fail to realize you are exactly what you accuse OP of.

NP. Who cares? What’s wrong with what they said? Excessive travelers like OP are destroying the environment and need to be stopped. Why are you so defensive? Are you also one of those crazy budget travelers who’s been to a ton of places, destroying the habitat in the process?

What is also bad for the environment and human rights si the phone or computer your are typing from but don't let that stop you from your virtue signaling.

I'm not. I, like anyone, could do better and more to take care of the world I admit. That said, here is a longer version of my virtue signaling.

https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20200218-climate-change-how-to-cut-your-carbon-emissions-when-flying

Here is a highlight
"A return flight from London to San Francisco emits around 5.5 tonnes of CO2 equivalent (CO2e) per person – more than twice the emissions produced by a family car in a year, and about half of the average carbon footprint of someone living in Britain. "


There are degrees of badness. Air travel is bad. Air travel for work, I kinda get. Air travel cause you feel like it and want to impress impacts others and maybe we can start thinking about it that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am turned off by women’s epic travel stories. Reading profiles from women that post all their pictures from Tibet, Rome, on safari etc and blather on and on about passport stamps is annoying and sets an unrealistic expectation for others. Like it’s all you talk about, all your interested in and it’s a sneak peak into the future relationship. People who haven’t been to those exotic locales can’t relate.

+1

It's not even not being to those places; everyone can buy a cheap ticket and go anywhere. It's making it your entire personality that's the issue, which sounds like a defense mechanism against actually having one.

It's actually about your low self-esteem and that you won't easily be able to impress a woman like OP.

Maybe you are right, but I'm a woman and I can't stand all the travel talk that people get into.

Frankly, I think if you buy into travel and exotic destination porn, you are selfishly destroying the environment both through you own air travel and by visiting some place that is probably pretty special on our earth. The earth is not here as our plaything. We need to respect and protect it. If you think you are exempt, you are wrong. Watch travel tv or explore the wildlife in your own area first.

So sure, maybe it is low self-esteem I totally own that I have it, but i'm not impressed by that level of selfishness. I think it is an adrenaline rush and it makes you feel important by visiting these places.

I'm married though and not out looking for a man, but just want to say that not everyone holds the same values and Op and PP can both find their people. I do judge you for your travel. I would also ohhhh and ahhh to your face when you describe it so you will never know what I really think because I'm just being nice.

PP, i'm totally coming around to this belief as well. I used to travel a lot, but the combination of Covid (forced stop making me realize that it's not necessary) and the climate emergency puts it all in a different light. so much of travel just seems like more consumption.

Your posts are highly amusing because you both fail to realize you are exactly what you accuse OP of.

NP. Who cares? What’s wrong with what they said? Excessive travelers like OP are destroying the environment and need to be stopped. Why are you so defensive? Are you also one of those crazy budget travelers who’s been to a ton of places, destroying the habitat in the process?

What is also bad for the environment and human rights si the phone or computer your are typing from but don't let that stop you from your virtue signaling.

I'm not. I, like anyone, could do better and more to take care of the world I admit. That said, here is a longer version of my virtue signaling.

https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20200218-climate-change-how-to-cut-your-carbon-emissions-when-flying

Here is a highlight
"A return flight from London to San Francisco emits around 5.5 tonnes of CO2 equivalent (CO2e) per person – more than twice the emissions produced by a family car in a year, and about half of the average carbon footprint of someone living in Britain. "


There are degrees of badness. Air travel is bad. Air travel for work, I kinda get. Air travel cause you feel like it and want to impress impacts others and maybe we can start thinking about it that way.

Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am turned off by women’s epic travel stories. Reading profiles from women that post all their pictures from Tibet, Rome, on safari etc and blather on and on about passport stamps is annoying and sets an unrealistic expectation for others. Like it’s all you talk about, all your interested in and it’s a sneak peak into the future relationship. People who haven’t been to those exotic locales can’t relate.

+1

It's not even not being to those places; everyone can buy a cheap ticket and go anywhere. It's making it your entire personality that's the issue, which sounds like a defense mechanism against actually having one.

It's actually about your low self-esteem and that you won't easily be able to impress a woman like OP.

Maybe you are right, but I'm a woman and I can't stand all the travel talk that people get into.

Frankly, I think if you buy into travel and exotic destination porn, you are selfishly destroying the environment both through you own air travel and by visiting some place that is probably pretty special on our earth. The earth is not here as our plaything. We need to respect and protect it. If you think you are exempt, you are wrong. Watch travel tv or explore the wildlife in your own area first.

So sure, maybe it is low self-esteem I totally own that I have it, but i'm not impressed by that level of selfishness. I think it is an adrenaline rush and it makes you feel important by visiting these places.

I'm married though and not out looking for a man, but just want to say that not everyone holds the same values and Op and PP can both find their people. I do judge you for your travel. I would also ohhhh and ahhh to your face when you describe it so you will never know what I really think because I'm just being nice.

PP, i'm totally coming around to this belief as well. I used to travel a lot, but the combination of Covid (forced stop making me realize that it's not necessary) and the climate emergency puts it all in a different light. so much of travel just seems like more consumption.

Your posts are highly amusing because you both fail to realize you are exactly what you accuse OP of.

NP. Who cares? What’s wrong with what they said? Excessive travelers like OP are destroying the environment and need to be stopped. Why are you so defensive? Are you also one of those crazy budget travelers who’s been to a ton of places, destroying the habitat in the process?

What is also bad for the environment and human rights si the phone or computer your are typing from but don't let that stop you from your virtue signaling.

I'm not. I, like anyone, could do better and more to take care of the world I admit. That said, here is a longer version of my virtue signaling.

https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20200218-climate-change-how-to-cut-your-carbon-emissions-when-flying

Here is a highlight
"A return flight from London to San Francisco emits around 5.5 tonnes of CO2 equivalent (CO2e) per person – more than twice the emissions produced by a family car in a year, and about half of the average carbon footprint of someone living in Britain. "


There are degrees of badness. Air travel is bad. Air travel for work, I kinda get. Air travel cause you feel like it and want to impress impacts others and maybe we can start thinking about it that way.

Thank you!

The Tumlrinas are impressed and all the Twitter hashtags say you are awesome.