Reply to Never get second or third date. Why am I so easy to pass over?

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Never get second or third date. Why am I so easy to pass over?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP back with a few points …

1 - Yes, I figure someone would say “omg you wrote a wall of text, therefore you talk too much.” I do not talk on dates the way I write asking for self-help on an anonymous forum. 
2 - Yes, I do honestly think I’m a 7/10. Am I allowed to say that? I have a great body, I am put together when I go out, and I smile and look people in the eye. I’m not strikingly gorgeous (don’t have bright eyes or high cheekbones or anything that screams WOW) but I have nice clear skin and good hygiene… at worst my face is on the plainer side of attractive, but I have a great figure. 
3 - I love the ideas of “mock dates” with close male friends, and I do have a lot male friends. One has said that I may come off as [b]“intimidating” or “too much” to some and that I need a “particular kind of guy”[/b]
4 - To clarify, I don’t really bring up politics or religion…. I do vet matches online for it just for compatibility reasons. I guess[b] I sort of naturally feel it out through a conversation[/b] that a guy has a values system that isn’t too disparate, that he has a world view that I can appreciate. 
5 - To those who say never ask if a guy wants to see me again. Point taken, and no i don’t usually, although one good relationship I had was when I asked the guy out first. I guess even in the 21st century biological instincts for men to do the chasing are still there. I just hate the games and would rather be clear and up front 
6 - Yes, I really do have a hunch that it is the laying out too many “epic stories” and trying too hard thing. Interestingly, two recent rejection texts I have gotten were along the lines of “I had a lot of fun hanging out with you, I like how you are so passionate about XYZ, and you have a fascinating life, but I just don’t see this going anywhere”[b] So they say it like those things are pluses, but the fact that they bring them up in a rejection text makes it sound like they are actually in fact minuses.[/b] 
7 - Lastly, the part about being myself vs trying too hard… thing is, being really active and traveling IS who I am. Sure, I like my DC area job, but it doesn’t define me as much as my experiences mountain climbing abroad for example or my more athletic side. I know it’s pretty basic to say “I like traveling and being outdoors” but when I say it, I mean it, and I bring it up to make sure a guy is on board with my more active lifestyle and would one day like to join me on my adventures in off-the-beaten-path places. (And we’ll split the cost evenly!) I am not necessarily trying to brag, but trying to get across that I’m not into Netflix and chill and board games and staying inside. Pandemic or no pandemic. [/quote]

Hi OP. People here have already commented on #7, so I thought that I would focus on the things that stood out to me in the other parts of your response. Fwiw it sounds like I am less attractive than you, but I  I always did well doing online dating. What are you looking for in online dating? Are you seeking someone to have fun with now; or to have a long-term relationship and get married? My comments are focused on if you are hoping for a LTR/marriage. One thing that I learned about myself when dating is that what I wanted in a husband was not necessarily the same thing as what I wanted when dating.

3. Since these guys are your friends, It sounds like you do naturally have a pretty strong and intimidating personality, beyond just when trying too hard by telling outdoor adventure stories. And that's great! Several of my closest friends and family are women with intimindating personaltieis. As your friends mentioned, not every guy wants to be in a romantic relationship with a woman with an intimidating personality. Your pool of men is going to be much more limited since your personality is perceived as intimidating/abrasive by many men. In addition to this, it sounds like you are screening additional non-negotiable criteria including adventure-seeking and political affiliation. My opinion is that this is entirely too limiting. You are creating a very tiny pool of men.

Notice that I am not suggesting that you change your true personality or hide your views or interests or hobbies. I think that if you hope to have a successful marriage or long-term partnership, then you should be your real self early on in dating.

4. I think that what you perceive as "naturally feeling it out through a conversation" may come across differently when discussing it on a first date.

6. They are being polite and they do not want to be mean since they are letting you down when you are clearly into them. They clearly feel no connection. Men aren't interested in dating resumes. Focus more on building a connection with them, not impressing them.

7. Others have said this, but for many people hsobbies really are not important in a relationship. Before I had kids, I was like you and liked to go trips like hiking abroard. My spouse has no interest so I would go with some girl friends. You are being too picky by only being into guys who like the outdoors as much as you are. The DC area has a lot of men who tend to work long hours, which leaves less time for outdoors activities. Guys who are outdoors all of the time seem to be more concentrated in places like Colorado and California. My suggestion is to focus more on if you enjoy being around the person, rather than his hobbies. I'd gently suggest that if you can not or do not want to do this, then your rigidity and inflexibilty will make most romantic relationships very diffcult.

It sounds like you have a lot to offer. I'm sure that there are many guys our there who would be interested in dating you and I hope that you can find them. Good luck!   [/quote]

+1. Wonderful comment, kind but clearly identifies the problem. OP, listen to this person.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics