I will never understand why nice couples with children get divorced out of nowhere

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Covid proved the wisdom of the phrase “absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

DW and I can’t wait for our toddler to get vaccinated so we can go back to our normal lives of business travel, daycare, days in the office, happy hours, etc.

Sleeping for a night or two in a hotel room in a king bed and ordering room service without any kid or spouse responsibilities is GLORIOUS. This is what my DW misses the most about pre-COVID life LOL

This is the truth. We were not meant to live together 24/7 for over a year. Trying to make it work, but dear God.

I adore my husband and we were together every night from March 2020 until 2 weeks ago. We were apart for 5 days and I’m sure we both enjoyed it as we could just veg out and do nothing on our own. But, it was fun to get back together.

[Anonymous]

There is something so interesting about the way people around a couple react to divorce. It’s as if it was some personal comment on their own marriage, or a reminder that their relationship might be more fragile than they realized while they were tromping along, taking it all for granted. Close friends divorcing can feel very unstablizing. I certainly have felt that before. All this to say, I think OP has a legit reaction to a divorce announcement. We all want to know the “why” as if it were a secret formula so we could avoid it ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I just don’t get this. Wouldn’t you rather tell people the truth rather than they think it was your fault or you just gave up on your marriage?

Who cares what they think?

Well they do clearly. I was responding to the posters who claim that they are vague about the reason for fear of being judged/blamed. If I know your husband cheated, then I blame him. If you say “we drifted apart” then I blame you both.

If you “blame” anybody without, you know, actual information, that’s being kinda stupid.

I don’t blame anyone and I wouldn’t expect anybody to share. In fact I assume that it’s just general incompatibility because I made it a rule for myself to assume the best unless shown otherwise.

But I think if I got divorced because DH cheated or whatever I would tell people. Not write a Facebook post about it or share it with acquaintances (because I’m also not into dumping my problems on others), but I wouldn’t be super careful with who I told either.

But I have never been in that situation so maybe I would be closed off about it.

Yeah, it's easy to say that you'd want people to know it "wasn't your fault," but telling people that your husband was unfaithful can be hard. They might blame you anyway -- for being a bad wife, for "letting yourself go," or whatever. So you get blamed anyway, and everyone knows your husband cheated. And some people are just not the sort to air their dirty laundry, or they are trying to keep things quiet because they have kids, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my DH cheated or had a midlife crisis and left, I would definitely want people to know that.

Then they will think..."what drove him to cheat?" It makes you look bad.

Stupid to air your dirty laundry. Super immature.

I’d prefer that to people thinking we “drifted apart,” didn’t take our vows seriously and blew up our kids lives for no good reason. THAT’s selfish and immature.

Maybe they aren't spreading the reasons around precisely because of those kids. They don't want the kids to feel like they have to take sides, for example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I just don’t get this. Wouldn’t you rather tell people the truth rather than they think it was your fault or you just gave up on your marriage?

Who cares what they think?

Well they do clearly. I was responding to the posters who claim that they are vague about the reason for fear of being judged/blamed. If I know your husband cheated, then I blame him. If you say “we drifted apart” then I blame you both.

If you “blame” anybody without, you know, actual information, that’s being kinda stupid.

NP. I agree with PP. Knowing the truth about a person is a good thing as it helps you further your understanding of what kind of person that is. what's so bad about knowing, especially if that person is a cheater/abuser etc.

Because people might not want to spread their business all over town. And they might be trying to be good co-parents, because your kids probably REALLY don't want this stuff being spread all over. It's not really anyone's business; I tend not to assume that I know anything about anyone's marriage.

[Anonymous]

oh please. the kids and their therapists know EXACTLY who filed for divorce and why.

stop protecting abusers, cheaters, addicts, A-holes by sugarcoating why you had no choice but to divorce him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I just don’t get this. Wouldn’t you rather tell people the truth rather than they think it was your fault or you just gave up on your marriage?

Who cares what they think?

Well they do clearly. I was responding to the posters who claim that they are vague about the reason for fear of being judged/blamed. If I know your husband cheated, then I blame him. If you say “we drifted apart” then I blame you both.

If you “blame” anybody without, you know, actual information, that’s being kinda stupid.

NP. I agree with PP. Knowing the truth about a person is a good thing as it helps you further your understanding of what kind of person that is. what's so bad about knowing, especially if that person is a cheater/abuser etc.

Because people might not want to spread their business all over town. And they might be trying to be good co-parents, because your kids probably REALLY don't want this stuff being spread all over. It's not really anyone's business; I tend not to assume that I know anything about anyone's marriage.

If children are involved I assume something serious and untenable happened.

That's fine if they don't want to talk about it or send some BS co-parenting email out, but no ones buying it.

[Anonymous]

OP's buying it! Mass confusion!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my DH cheated or had a midlife crisis and left, I would definitely want people to know that.

Then they will think..."what drove him to cheat?" It makes you look bad.

Stupid to air your dirty laundry. Super immature.

I’d prefer that to people thinking we “drifted apart,” didn’t take our vows seriously and blew up our kids lives for no good reason. THAT’s selfish and immature.

Most people don’t think people divorce for “no reason”; Most people are smart enough to understand that they will never be privy to the real reasons because it’s not their business and the classic “we drifted apart” it’s just a way to avoid answering questions that should not be asked

[Anonymous]

So then does the new gf or bf/ partner/spouse ever get the real reason for a divorce or is that just sealed off into the old relationship?

I’m genuinely curious when/if the story (one sided tho it may be) ever gets told

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So then does the new gf or bf/ partner/spouse ever get the real reason for a divorce or is that just sealed off into the old relationship?

I’m genuinely curious when/if the story (one sided tho it may be) ever gets told

You know each person has their own perspective, right? Do you also know that sometimes there are many reasons for a divorce rather than just one? As to telling others, one party might tell a friend or a new bf/gf…or not. It depends on the person. Does not matter…the reason or reasons are not public information. I could probably list 10 reasons…I usually only say 1 but to most people I say one all-encompassing thing—we never should have married…it was a mistake. That is 100% true and does not even begin to say the litany of reasons. Regardless, it is none of anyone’s business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is something so interesting about the way people around a couple react to divorce. It’s as if it was some personal comment on their own marriage, or a reminder that their relationship might be more fragile than they realized while they were tromping along, taking it all for granted. Close friends divorcing can feel very unstablizing. I certainly have felt that before. All this to say, I think OP has a legit reaction to a divorce announcement. We all want to know the “why” as if it were a secret formula so we could avoid it ourselves.

A surprise divorce among your friends does cause some self reflection which can be very healthy. But I’m usually not surprised given that most people are not good actors.

[Anonymous]

Most people loathe acting fake for years and years in a terrible marriage or “for the kids.” It’s not healthy.

I’d be more creeped out by someone who has big fights and then sleeps like a baby, wakes up all cheery and deflective the next morning. Psycho.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, first you don’t know. Maybe there is abuse, cheating, substance abuse you don’t know about.

But when it’s just a run of the mill, not abusive but mediocre marriage....I’m kinda with you. Once you’ve married and had kids with someone.....what do you think you are going to find that overall makes your life better factoring in the complications of blended families etc? Unless you really just want to be single and alone, I think the divorces often don’t make sense.

My BIL and SIL are getting a divorce and basically fit your description. But as a child of an acrimonious divorce I feel there is a lot there you are pretending doesn't exist. I couldn't even be around them because their dislike and resentment for each other just dripped off of them. The passive aggressive barbs etc. They were both abjectly miserable, the guy deeply depressed and the woman turning into a version of herself she hated. Their kids tuned into their discord and stressed from having to endure that. The parents were shorter and less patient with the kids because they were constantly in a state of anger/irritation.

Both of them are going to be better off single and alone and IMO the kids will be too. Parents being happy, or at the very least not miserable and being constantly sniped at and sniping, is good for the kids. Parents are better parents when they aren't dealing with constant anger at their spouse and can focus on their own space and responsibilities. Kids are happier when they don't feel like they are walking on eggshells through their own house.

But hey, nothing was that wrong, it was just a mediocre marriage. Maybe they just should have stuck it out and have everyone live in a state of perpetual stress for another 15 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So then does the new gf or bf/ partner/spouse ever get the real reason for a divorce or is that just sealed off into the old relationship?

I’m genuinely curious when/if the story (one sided tho it may be) ever gets told

There are three sides to every marriage, each person's and the marriage itself's. No one is getting a video recording of the years of little moments and big moments that culminate in a divorce and the people involved are anchored into their perspective because it is how they see the truth.