I will never understand why nice couples with children get divorced out of nowhere

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:oh please. the kids and their therapists know EXACTLY who filed for divorce and why.

stop protecting abusers, cheaters, addicts, A-holes by sugarcoating why you had no choice but to divorce him.

Even if children know in these situations, it is damaging for the child to have their business spread all over town. Children have to go to school and have their peers clue them into the parent gossip and then the CHILDREN become the parent gossip. There is no benefit to anyone to air out your dirty laundry post divorce. IMO the people who do this so everyone know who's 'fault' it was are the truly selfish people. Divorcing doesn't bother me as someone who lived in a house with two people who SHOULD have gotten divorced and is now even as an adult hypersensitive to unspoken tension in a room as a result of years walking around on eggshells between the adults I lived with. But talking about it all over town and making your kids deal with the gossip? That is selfish and low and crappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:oh please. the kids and their therapists know EXACTLY who filed for divorce and why.

stop protecting abusers, cheaters, addicts, A-holes by sugarcoating why you had no choice but to divorce him.

How is it protecting an abuser or a cheater? No one has an obligation to share their personal business with every rando who wants to know and likes to judge. I just never assume that I know all the details. If people seem to get divorced "out of nowhere," I assume that means that there is a reason, I just don't know it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:oh please. the kids and their therapists know EXACTLY who filed for divorce and why.

stop protecting abusers, cheaters, addicts, A-holes by sugarcoating why you had no choice but to divorce him.

Even if children know in these situations, it is damaging for the child to have their business spread all over town. Children have to go to school and have their peers clue them into the parent gossip and then the CHILDREN become the parent gossip. There is no benefit to anyone to air out your dirty laundry post divorce. IMO the people who do this so everyone know who's 'fault' it was are the truly selfish people. Divorcing doesn't bother me as someone who lived in a house with two people who SHOULD have gotten divorced and is now even as an adult hypersensitive to unspoken tension in a room as a result of years walking around on eggshells between the adults I lived with. But talking about it all over town and making your kids deal with the gossip? That is selfish and low and crappy.

+1

Selfish is prioritizing making sure that people don't judge *you* over your kids' privacy and dignity. You can privately tell the (very few) people who genuinely might need to know, and who can be trusted to be discreet, but you don't have to air your dirty laundry all over town just to make sure that people know you're blameless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, first you don’t know. Maybe there is abuse, cheating, substance abuse you don’t know about.

But when it’s just a run of the mill, not abusive but mediocre marriage....I’m kinda with you. Once you’ve married and had kids with someone.....what do you think you are going to find that overall makes your life better factoring in the complications of blended families etc? Unless you really just want to be single and alone, I think the divorces often don’t make sense.

My BIL and SIL are getting a divorce and basically fit your description. But as a child of an acrimonious divorce I feel there is a lot there you are pretending doesn't exist. I couldn't even be around them because their dislike and resentment for each other just dripped off of them. The passive aggressive barbs etc. They were both abjectly miserable, the guy deeply depressed and the woman turning into a version of herself she hated. Their kids tuned into their discord and stressed from having to endure that. The parents were shorter and less patient with the kids because they were constantly in a state of anger/irritation.

Both of them are going to be better off single and alone and IMO the kids will be too. Parents being happy, or at the very least not miserable and being constantly sniped at and sniping, is good for the kids. Parents are better parents when they aren't dealing with constant anger at their spouse and can focus on their own space and responsibilities. Kids are happier when they don't feel like they are walking on eggshells through their own house.

But hey, nothing was that wrong, it was just a mediocre marriage. Maybe they just should have stuck it out and have everyone live in a state of perpetual stress for another 15 years.

This PP is right. People really have to stop acting like divorce is the end of the world. I grew up in a house where my parents basically hated each other. I had a bad marriage myself...it affected my own choices. I'm divorced. My kids have a much better childhood than I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:oh please. the kids and their therapists know EXACTLY who filed for divorce and why.

stop protecting abusers, cheaters, addicts, A-holes by sugarcoating why you had no choice but to divorce him.

Even if children know in these situations, it is damaging for the child to have their business spread all over town. Children have to go to school and have their peers clue them into the parent gossip and then the CHILDREN become the parent gossip. There is no benefit to anyone to air out your dirty laundry post divorce. IMO the people who do this so everyone know who's 'fault' it was are the truly selfish people. Divorcing doesn't bother me as someone who lived in a house with two people who SHOULD have gotten divorced and is now even as an adult hypersensitive to unspoken tension in a room as a result of years walking around on eggshells between the adults I lived with. But talking about it all over town and making your kids deal with the gossip? That is selfish and low and crappy.

+1

Selfish is prioritizing making sure that people don't judge *you* over your kids' privacy and dignity. You can privately tell the (very few) people who genuinely might need to know, and who can be trusted to be discreet, but you don't have to air your dirty laundry all over town just to make sure that people know you're blameless.

+1 Amen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:oh please. the kids and their therapists know EXACTLY who filed for divorce and why.

stop protecting abusers, cheaters, addicts, A-holes by sugarcoating why you had no choice but to divorce him.

Even if children know in these situations, it is damaging for the child to have their business spread all over town. Children have to go to school and have their peers clue them into the parent gossip and then the CHILDREN become the parent gossip. There is no benefit to anyone to air out your dirty laundry post divorce. IMO the people who do this so everyone know who's 'fault' it was are the truly selfish people. Divorcing doesn't bother me as someone who lived in a house with two people who SHOULD have gotten divorced and is now even as an adult hypersensitive to unspoken tension in a room as a result of years walking around on eggshells between the adults I lived with. But talking about it all over town and making your kids deal with the gossip? That is selfish and low and crappy.

+1

Selfish is prioritizing making sure that people don't judge *you* over your kids' privacy and dignity. You can privately tell the (very few) people who genuinely might need to know, and who can be trusted to be discreet, but you don't have to air your dirty laundry all over town just to make sure that people know you're blameless.

+1 Amen.

Eh, the cheater is the one who doesn’t care about the kids’ dignity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:oh please. the kids and their therapists know EXACTLY who filed for divorce and why.

stop protecting abusers, cheaters, addicts, A-holes by sugarcoating why you had no choice but to divorce him.

Even if children know in these situations, it is damaging for the child to have their business spread all over town. Children have to go to school and have their peers clue them into the parent gossip and then the CHILDREN become the parent gossip. There is no benefit to anyone to air out your dirty laundry post divorce. IMO the people who do this so everyone know who's 'fault' it was are the truly selfish people. Divorcing doesn't bother me as someone who lived in a house with two people who SHOULD have gotten divorced and is now even as an adult hypersensitive to unspoken tension in a room as a result of years walking around on eggshells between the adults I lived with. But talking about it all over town and making your kids deal with the gossip? That is selfish and low and crappy.

+1

Selfish is prioritizing making sure that people don't judge *you* over your kids' privacy and dignity. You can privately tell the (very few) people who genuinely might need to know, and who can be trusted to be discreet, but you don't have to air your dirty laundry all over town just to make sure that people know you're blameless.

Going for a record number of repeat posts PP? People aren't dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my DH cheated or had a midlife crisis and left, I would definitely want people to know that.

Then they will think..."what drove him to cheat?" It makes you look bad.

Stupid to air your dirty laundry. Super immature.

What a creepy comment, akin to "what did she do beforehand to be raped"....

No one drives anyone to commit horrible behavior. A cheater is a immoral person who had the potential all along. Often those red flags are missed. I know I will never rob a bank because of the way I was raised and morals I possess. Cheaters and liars are are the only ones that look bad, not their victims fyi.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know there’s no abuse, adultery, or addiction?

Because its the close friend of my husband and he confirmed it. He's basically just...leaving her.

It never happens out of nowhere. My BIL left my SIL after 20 years and said he was just in a different phase of life. Two months later we found out that the different phase of life was 10 years younger and an office assistant that he worked with. Same for another friend--his partner left him after nearly 20 years and said he just needed a change. A few weeks later, he started attending parties with someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, first you don’t know. Maybe there is abuse, cheating, substance abuse you don’t know about.

But when it’s just a run of the mill, not abusive but mediocre marriage....I’m kinda with you. Once you’ve married and had kids with someone.....what do you think you are going to find that overall makes your life better factoring in the complications of blended families etc? Unless you really just want to be single and alone, I think the divorces often don’t make sense.

My BIL and SIL are getting a divorce and basically fit your description. But as a child of an acrimonious divorce I feel there is a lot there you are pretending doesn't exist. I couldn't even be around them because their dislike and resentment for each other just dripped off of them. The passive aggressive barbs etc. They were both abjectly miserable, the guy deeply depressed and the woman turning into a version of herself she hated. Their kids tuned into their discord and stressed from having to endure that. The parents were shorter and less patient with the kids because they were constantly in a state of anger/irritation.

Both of them are going to be better off single and alone and IMO the kids will be too. Parents being happy, or at the very least not miserable and being constantly sniped at and sniping, is good for the kids. Parents are better parents when they aren't dealing with constant anger at their spouse and can focus on their own space and responsibilities. Kids are happier when they don't feel like they are walking on eggshells through their own house.

But hey, nothing was that wrong, it was just a mediocre marriage. Maybe they just should have stuck it out and have everyone live in a state of perpetual stress for another 15 years.

This PP is right. People really have to stop acting like divorce is the end of the world. I grew up in a house where my parents basically hated each other. I had a bad marriage myself...it affected my own choices. I'm divorced. My kids have a much better childhood than I did.

Routinely arguing in front of the kids, passive aggression, depression, changing people into shells -- that is all MUCH worse than a mediocre marriage. That is emotional abusive and terrible for kids. THe tension always there. SUre there could actually be some underlying causes - an affair, a work addict, mental disorders, selfish slobs, neglect - but to have an eggshell house is abusive to all.

Mediocre marriages still have some respect at least. THe above does not.

[Anonymous]

The first two replies nailed it.

There’s so little benefit to sharing serious marital woes. I recently read that most people can sustain sympathy for 3 days. After that, you are burdening them. Also everyone has a different threshold for what they think is bearable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:oh please. the kids and their therapists know EXACTLY who filed for divorce and why.

stop protecting abusers, cheaters, addicts, A-holes by sugarcoating why you had no choice but to divorce him.

Even if children know in these situations, it is damaging for the child to have their business spread all over town. Children have to go to school and have their peers clue them into the parent gossip and then the CHILDREN become the parent gossip. There is no benefit to anyone to air out your dirty laundry post divorce. IMO the people who do this so everyone know who's 'fault' it was are the truly selfish people. Divorcing doesn't bother me as someone who lived in a house with two people who SHOULD have gotten divorced and is now even as an adult hypersensitive to unspoken tension in a room as a result of years walking around on eggshells between the adults I lived with. But talking about it all over town and making your kids deal with the gossip? That is selfish and low and crappy.

+1

Selfish is prioritizing making sure that people don't judge *you* over your kids' privacy and dignity. You can privately tell the (very few) people who genuinely might need to know, and who can be trusted to be discreet, but you don't have to air your dirty laundry all over town just to make sure that people know you're blameless.

+1 Amen.

Eh, the cheater is the one who doesn’t care about the kids’ dignity.

Kids have nothing to do with it. Airing your dirty laundry to make yourself feel better is messed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my DH cheated or had a midlife crisis and left, I would definitely want people to know that.

Then they will think..."what drove him to cheat?" It makes you look bad.

Stupid to air your dirty laundry. Super immature.

What a creepy comment, akin to "what did she do beforehand to be raped"....

No one drives anyone to commit horrible behavior. A cheater is a immoral person who had the potential all along. Often those red flags are missed. I know I will never rob a bank because of the way I was raised and morals I possess. Cheaters and liars are are the only ones that look bad, not their victims fyi.

Wrong. Sometimes people are terrible spouses and in transactional marriages. Men usually cheat in these instances. If there is literally no sex or withholding of sex as punishment for years then the man is not the only bad guy here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The first two replies nailed it.

There’s so little benefit to sharing serious marital woes. I recently read that most people can sustain sympathy for 3 days. After that, you are burdening them. Also everyone has a different threshold for what they think is bearable.

I don't think telling people about the reason is the same as complaining all the time. You can just say the reason for the divorce is XXX. Not sure there has to be drama behind it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my DH cheated or had a midlife crisis and left, I would definitely want people to know that.

Then they will think..."what drove him to cheat?" It makes you look bad.

Stupid to air your dirty laundry. Super immature.

What a creepy comment, akin to "what did she do beforehand to be raped"....

No one drives anyone to commit horrible behavior. A cheater is a immoral person who had the potential all along. Often those red flags are missed. I know I will never rob a bank because of the way I was raised and morals I possess. Cheaters and liars are are the only ones that look bad, not their victims fyi.

Wrong. Sometimes people are terrible spouses and in transactional marriages. Men usually cheat in these instances. If there is literally no sex or withholding of sex as punishment for years then the man is not the only bad guy here.

Not really. The spouse in a terrible marriage can just leave instead of cheating. The fact is that divorcing isn't easy is it? Doing the right thing isn't always easy.....