Depressed about my kid

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand OP. All I want for my kids is to support themselves and be happy. If my kid wants to be a teacher, that is completely fine as long as my kid understands the consequences of that decision. I know many unhappy lawyers who make $$$. Money is not everything. I know a wild life specialist who is a park ranger and loves his job. He supports himself and has a good life. Expand your horizons!

People who say this have never been poor.

Also, maybe this is just because I live in California, but in my school district, teachers go on strike a lot because their wages and healthcare are pretty shoddy. Not a life I’d want my kids living.

Somebody needs to do jobs others sneer at because the wages aren’t top dollar. What happens if no one decides to become a teacher?

I hope you stand in solidarity with those teachers so they earn more and get more decent benefits.

Experienced teachers in my area mostly earn $100,000 per year, and it’s not all that expensive here.

[Anonymous]

Fake

[Anonymous]

OP, has your kid been tested for ADHD/other mental health issues (i.e. depression)?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't hire an IVY grad with a low GPA no matter which top Ivy they graduated from. That's a red flag that the couldn't care less and didn't put effort into the college work. There are so many other graduates to choose from--Ivy and non-Ivys--why should I take a chance on a low performing grad?

Do you really ask for transcripts from colleges of your hires??? Where do you work?

Have been working 30 years and have never once asked for, nor been asked for, a GPA or transcript during the hiring process.

OP here. Most of the 50 internships DC applied to required him to submit a transcript, his GPA, and (for some) SAT scores.

My son interned for JP Morgan Chase research investment division with a 2.1 GPA from Penn State as a D1 golfer. The hiring manager didn’t care about his GPA.

Different standards for athletes.

How so?

Duh, the intern candidate plays golf. That's a perfect venue to meet potential clients for the firm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand OP. All I want for my kids is to support themselves and be happy. If my kid wants to be a teacher, that is completely fine as long as my kid understands the consequences of that decision. I know many unhappy lawyers who make $$$. Money is not everything. I know a wild life specialist who is a park ranger and loves his job. He supports himself and has a good life. Expand your horizons!

People who say this have never been poor.

Also, maybe this is just because I live in California, but in my school district, teachers go on strike a lot because their wages and healthcare are pretty shoddy. Not a life I’d want my kids living.

Somebody needs to do jobs others sneer at because the wages aren’t top dollar. What happens if no one decides to become a teacher?

I hope you stand in solidarity with those teachers so they earn more and get more decent benefits.

There’s a difference between supporting teachers and wanting your kid to become one. Trust me, I completely supported the strikes and my kid delivered snacks and water bottles to their teachers on strike. But that’s very different than choosing that life for yourself.

NP here. I would not encourage my child to be a teacher. It is a hard job and for some reason teachers are disrespected in the US. I guess because Americans worship money above everything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is the only purpose of college to get a high paying career? Not to be a well educated person? You realize that’s the purpose of Columbia’s Core right?

We are not independently wealthy. The main purpose of college for all but the 1% is to get a stable high paying job after graduation (or get into law school or med school). Frankly, we chose Columbia in spite of the Core — colossal waste of time making my kid take useless classes like Art History or African Lit.

Your kid needed to go to a state school amongst other strivers. The Ivies have a strong mix of slackers, legacies & other coasters. Those people have social capital that helps them in addition to their college degree.
The Core Curriculum is about becoming a critical thinker. If that is not important, then a state school with vocational direction is the straight path to a guaranteed profession.

I knew an Asian woman who went to a decent school and majored in a licensed profession. But she lacked any sort of depth and passion for the work. Shoot, she lacked depth period - her goal in life was to get married. In her mid-40s now, she should have been senior level in any firm, but instead she can't find a job - because again, at her age she should have built something up. She is still "married" but only on paper. Her husband split from her years ago but they still get together for Chinese New Year to visit their parents in order to save face and not let anybody know the marriage is essentially a failed sham.
That's the outcome of people who are invested in only the surface "accomplishments". Maybe if she had the Core Curriculum she would have approached her profession with self-awareness of what she can contribute and get out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is the only purpose of college to get a high paying career? Not to be a well educated person? You realize that’s the purpose of Columbia’s Core right?

We are not independently wealthy. The main purpose of college for all but the 1% is to get a stable high paying job after graduation (or get into law school or med school). Frankly, we chose Columbia in spite of the Core — colossal waste of time making my kid take useless classes like Art History or African Lit.

Your kid needed to go to a state school amongst other strivers. The Ivies have a strong mix of slackers, legacies & other coasters. Those people have social capital that helps them in addition to their college degree.
The Core Curriculum is about becoming a critical thinker. If that is not important, then a state school with vocational direction is the straight path to a guaranteed profession.

I knew an Asian woman who went to a decent school and majored in a licensed profession. But she lacked any sort of depth and passion for the work. Shoot, she lacked depth period - her goal in life was to get married. In her mid-40s now, she should have been senior level in any firm, but instead she can't find a job - because again, at her age she should have built something up. She is still "married" but only on paper. Her husband split from her years ago but they still get together for Chinese New Year to visit their parents in order to save face and not let anybody know the marriage is essentially a failed sham.
That's the outcome of people who are invested in only the surface "accomplishments". Maybe if she had the Core Curriculum she would have approached her profession with self-awareness of what she can contribute and get out of it.

Have you considered being a fiction writer?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My kid (gender neutral to prevent doxxing) is a rising junior at a top Ivy. That’s the only good part—they basically peaked in high school. In a useless humanities major at their school with a low GPA. Got rejected from all 50 internships they applied to this summer, so they’re currently working as a camp counselor. I’m distraught. We’re middle class and my kid gets a ton of aid from their school, so we can’t afford to have them major in something useless while not working in important, resume-building internships. But they don’t listen. So frustrating. Can anyone else relate? It’s just so frustrating seeing them sabotage every single chance they get.

This sounds inconsistent. Tons of aid and you can’t afford to be embarrassed basically. Is that what you really mean, OP? Try to be proud of your adult child for making it this far. Everyone in college doesn’t make straight As like in high school. They are obviously in good academic standing or they would not still be there. Due to the ongoing pandemic, many companies may not be at full capacity with internships. Camp counselors are in demand this summer because there’s a shortage due to the pandemic. It sounds like you are the saboteur, OP, Your kid likely senses your disappointment.

Also do not understand the "a ton of aid from their school" part. If your kid gets a ton of aid from their school, you should be less depressed because your kid can afford to take a job with less pay. I would be more depressed if kids have debts and cannot get a good paying job.

I understand — it means that, unlike a family that can afford full pay for one or more kids, we don’t have the resources to finance grad/professional school for DC — much less a few years of finding him-/herself while living on our dime in some cool location. College is DC’s best shot at a UMC career and DC isn’t acting like s/he recognizes that.

Then they shouldn't have gone to an IVY! Or started out with a major that leads to direct out of school hiring into a professional field. Or had the GPA conversations and say "you are on our own when you graduate so if you make a great GPA some consumting form will pick upu ip and pay ypu bank for crazy hours. But you cant move back home"

Depending on class and where parents were raised, the family may not have understood this. I say this as a first-gen Harvard grad. The billing is this is a top school, for the best and the brightest, go there and your future is bright. When really these are schools that were designed by/for well-connected young men with access to (often generational) wealth and power. They’ve been tweaked/pressured to accommodate a more diverse student body (and the faculty may have different values than the institution), but the norm is still an affluent student body with room/resources to maneuver. Family may see kid gravitating to a lifestyle they can’t support.

Yes yes yes you get it! DC is delusional that they can follow the same path as their underachieving wealthy peers and still end up in the same place as them. Not true! It’s especially disappointing because college IS the one and only shot they get at UMC careers, but they have no interest. I think this is mainly because all of their friends are slackers; they’re the rich artsy stoner types who wish they went to Wesleyan or Brown instead of this particular school because it’s “too stressful.” It’s disappointing to have DC’s friends be recreational drug users who mainly major in the arts or humanities. Why can’t they be friends with the try-hard upwardly mobile middle class kids at their school?

I realize this sounds harsh and lots of you think I’m a troll. But those of you who have struggled to make ends meet and then have had your kid receive a wonderful opportunity like this only to squander it will be able to relate. Probably not most of DCUM.

Wait wait wait I feel lol everyone just glossed over this part. Peer group plays a huge role in your time at college, and if OP’s kid’s friends are all rich kids who expect to live off of their trust fund in Brooklyn after graduation, s/he’s in for a disappointment. Why doesn’t your kid want to be friends with all the hard working middle class kids majoring in STEM? Does she find them too aggressive and competitive? I know Columbia has a reputation for cutthroat students. I would also be concerned if all my friend’s kids were artsy slackers whose faulty work ethic was rubbing off on my kid. It’s hard for your kid to choose the right major and plot out a good career path if none of their friends are.

+1

OP, have your kid apply for all the professional/academic striver clubs again in September when everyone is back. For the record, I’d be incredibly unhappy if my (clearly bright) kid was slacking off at the first opportunity s/he gets. Your kid should be grateful to be at such a prestigious school, and s/he needs to repay that gratitude by using the Columbia degree to get a high paying job after graduation. Everything else is just fluff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is the only purpose of college to get a high paying career? Not to be a well educated person? You realize that’s the purpose of Columbia’s Core right?

We are not independently wealthy. The main purpose of college for all but the 1% is to get a stable high paying job after graduation (or get into law school or med school). Frankly, we chose Columbia in spite of the Core — colossal waste of time making my kid take useless classes like Art History or African Lit.

Your kid needed to go to a state school amongst other strivers. The Ivies have a strong mix of slackers, legacies & other coasters. Those people have social capital that helps them in addition to their college degree.
The Core Curriculum is about becoming a critical thinker. If that is not important, then a state school with vocational direction is the straight path to a guaranteed profession.

I knew an Asian woman who went to a decent school and majored in a licensed profession. But she lacked any sort of depth and passion for the work. Shoot, she lacked depth period - her goal in life was to get married. In her mid-40s now, she should have been senior level in any firm, but instead she can't find a job - because again, at her age she should have built something up. She is still "married" but only on paper. Her husband split from her years ago but they still get together for Chinese New Year to visit their parents in order to save face and not let anybody know the marriage is essentially a failed sham.
That's the outcome of people who are invested in only the surface "accomplishments". Maybe if she had the Core Curriculum she would have approached her profession with self-awareness of what she can contribute and get out of it.

That is quite a stretch. I hope you did not graduate from Columbia

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid (gender neutral to prevent doxxing) is a rising junior at a top Ivy. That’s the only good part—they basically peaked in high school. In a useless humanities major at their school with a low GPA. Got rejected from all 50 internships they applied to this summer, so they’re currently working as a camp counselor. I’m distraught. We’re middle class and my kid gets a ton of aid from their school, so we can’t afford to have them major in something useless while not working in important, resume-building internships. But they don’t listen. So frustrating. Can anyone else relate? It’s just so frustrating seeing them sabotage every single chance they get.

This sounds inconsistent. Tons of aid and you can’t afford to be embarrassed basically. Is that what you really mean, OP? Try to be proud of your adult child for making it this far. Everyone in college doesn’t make straight As like in high school. They are obviously in good academic standing or they would not still be there. Due to the ongoing pandemic, many companies may not be at full capacity with internships. Camp counselors are in demand this summer because there’s a shortage due to the pandemic. It sounds like you are the saboteur, OP, Your kid likely senses your disappointment.

Also do not understand the "a ton of aid from their school" part. If your kid gets a ton of aid from their school, you should be less depressed because your kid can afford to take a job with less pay. I would be more depressed if kids have debts and cannot get a good paying job.

I understand — it means that, unlike a family that can afford full pay for one or more kids, we don’t have the resources to finance grad/professional school for DC — much less a few years of finding him-/herself while living on our dime in some cool location. College is DC’s best shot at a UMC career and DC isn’t acting like s/he recognizes that.

Then they shouldn't have gone to an IVY! Or started out with a major that leads to direct out of school hiring into a professional field. Or had the GPA conversations and say "you are on our own when you graduate so if you make a great GPA some consumting form will pick upu ip and pay ypu bank for crazy hours. But you cant move back home"

Depending on class and where parents were raised, the family may not have understood this. I say this as a first-gen Harvard grad. The billing is this is a top school, for the best and the brightest, go there and your future is bright. When really these are schools that were designed by/for well-connected young men with access to (often generational) wealth and power. They’ve been tweaked/pressured to accommodate a more diverse student body (and the faculty may have different values than the institution), but the norm is still an affluent student body with room/resources to maneuver. Family may see kid gravitating to a lifestyle they can’t support.

Yes yes yes you get it! DC is delusional that they can follow the same path as their underachieving wealthy peers and still end up in the same place as them. Not true! It’s especially disappointing because college IS the one and only shot they get at UMC careers, but they have no interest. I think this is mainly because all of their friends are slackers; they’re the rich artsy stoner types who wish they went to Wesleyan or Brown instead of this particular school because it’s “too stressful.” It’s disappointing to have DC’s friends be recreational drug users who mainly major in the arts or humanities. Why can’t they be friends with the try-hard upwardly mobile middle class kids at their school?

I realize this sounds harsh and lots of you think I’m a troll. But those of you who have struggled to make ends meet and then have had your kid receive a wonderful opportunity like this only to squander it will be able to relate. Probably not most of DCUM.

Wait wait wait I feel lol everyone just glossed over this part. Peer group plays a huge role in your time at college, and if OP’s kid’s friends are all rich kids who expect to live off of their trust fund in Brooklyn after graduation, s/he’s in for a disappointment. Why doesn’t your kid want to be friends with all the hard working middle class kids majoring in STEM? Does she find them too aggressive and competitive? I know Columbia has a reputation for cutthroat students. I would also be concerned if all my friend’s kids were artsy slackers whose faulty work ethic was rubbing off on my kid. It’s hard for your kid to choose the right major and plot out a good career path if none of their friends are.

+1

OP, have your kid apply for all the professional/academic striver clubs again in September when everyone is back. For the record, I’d be incredibly unhappy if my (clearly bright) kid was slacking off at the first opportunity s/he gets. Your kid should be grateful to be at such a prestigious school, and s/he needs to repay that gratitude by using the Columbia degree to get a high paying job after graduation. Everything else is just fluff.

What is a high paying job for you folks? What kind of $$ are we talking about? What kind of job would make the OP happy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t tell if this is a conserva-troll just using this post to slam Ivys and liberal arts majors, or not.
If so: my response is “send your kid to Hillsdale. Their job prospects will go way way way down… unless they want a conservative affirmative action job paid by billionaires. Charles Koch is always hiring ideologues.”

If not, my response is: What do you call a Princeton grad with a low GPA who worked their junior summer as a camp counselor? “A Princeton grad.”
Your kid will be fine. They should commit themselves more to school, but don’t sweat it.

Respectfully, this is off the mark. It's humiliating and demoralizing to be an [ELITE college] grad and frankly be kicked off the high flier track and land at a crummy 9 to 5 working along side state school midwits who've coasted through life. Your parents are humiliated when discussing your career with their friends, you're humiliated working with idiots, and you're demoralized further because your college social circle is full of high fliers [you'll constantly be reminded of their ascent on social media and LinkedIn for the rest of your life]. Further, there will certainly be a handful of high school peers who went to inferior colleges who strike it rich in executive roles, as entrepreneurs, or in medicine, tech or law – and you're the "[ELITE college] high school classmate" who ended up a middle class schmuck.

I'm not exaggerating or being facetious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
+1

OP, have your kid apply for all the professional/academic striver clubs again in September when everyone is back. For the record, I’d be incredibly unhappy if my (clearly bright) kid was slacking off at the first opportunity s/he gets. Your kid should be grateful to be at such a prestigious school, and s/he needs to repay that gratitude by using the Columbia degree to get a high paying job after graduation. Everything else is just fluff.

This is fantasy and honestly pointless. Rising seniors don't apply to clubs anymore, they're over that crap. And it'd be super weird to have some random old upperclassman who's never participated in the club randomly begin attending / applying with freshmen. Rising seniors are supposed to be LEADERS of clubs, not trying to join along side 17 and 18 yo freshman. And of course the OP's kid doesn't listen to mom and dad, they're not going to start now, so this is just delusional.

OP's kid is baked in the cake. After graduation all the rich "friends" will retreat off to their affluent enclaves, be jet-setters and loafers and marry each other -- and OP's kid won't be able to keep up and the "friendships" will quickly fade.

OP's kid won't realized they pissed away the opportunity until it's too late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Newsflash: overbearing, selfish parents send heir child to a school that enables her to think for herself. She gets a voice and refuses to continue living like her parent's puppet.

OP-you control your own life. That is all you are in charge of any more, and it sounds like it needs work.

100% guarantee OP's kid doesn't pay their own phone bill, medical and dental insurance, uses the parents' cars when s/he's home, and will be begging for rent and expense money after college. "I'm not your puppet, you can't tell me what to do! ... Can I have $500 a month towards my rent?" lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is the only purpose of college to get a high paying career? Not to be a well educated person? You realize that’s the purpose of Columbia’s Core right?

We are not independently wealthy. The main purpose of college for all but the 1% is to get a stable high paying job after graduation (or get into law school or med school). Frankly, we chose Columbia in spite of the Core — colossal waste of time making my kid take useless classes like Art History or African Lit.

OP, I work on Wall street. There are no stable high paying jobs anymore. There are sort of stable high paying careers, and the key to getting one is the social capital, thus the Core and connections your kid is making at Columbia. Technical knowledge can only get you so far, and eventually you will be replaced by a machine or a younger version of you. It’s the ability to BS that sets you up for life.

[Anonymous]

OP - have you considered whether the stress/pressure from HS to get into the Ivy (and perhaps the striver classmates at the Ivy) has led your DC to find friends that are more low key to preserve their mental health? It sounds like you are only adding to that stress - especially if DC has been at home during the pandemic. Some people strive on stress and achievement but others don't.

Another thing to consider is maturity. Not everyone has maturity to fully take advantage of college opportunities, even if they very bright. I know more than a handful of people who have told the story of slacking (whether that be HS or college) and then woke up to realize their slacking had a consequence. Then...with that maturity, they had the skills from a good education (along with their own intelligence) to take steps to kick into gear and take charge of their future. But the key is that they did it themselves, not because of pressure from parents. And they did something THEY wanted to do, not something defined by someone else.

In the end, you need your DC to be an independent adult who can support themselves and be mentally healthy.

It seems like they are doing just fine academically. It may not be top of class but is not bad either. (And this may just be their level when compared to college classmates vs their HS classmates). And 50 applications sounds like they put in a big effort.

There us much to be learned as a counselor in terms of personal skills and leadership skills. And it's probably a very nice dose of mental health to be outside in the sun with people all day.

If I were you - I think my primary concern here would be whether your child is participating in drug/alcohol use that could eventually lead to addiction issues. I can't tell from your posts whether that's a potential issue.

Try to take a step back and let them grow up without you over their shoulder.