Depressed about my kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand OP. All I want for my kids is to support themselves and be happy. If my kid wants to be a teacher, that is completely fine as long as my kid understands the consequences of that decision. I know many unhappy lawyers who make $$$. Money is not everything. I know a wild life specialist who is a park ranger and loves his job. He supports himself and has a good life. Expand your horizons!

People who say this have never been poor.

Also, maybe this is just because I live in California, but in my school district, teachers go on strike a lot because their wages and healthcare are pretty shoddy. Not a life I’d want my kids living.

Actually, it’s people who say that being a teacher = living a life of poverty are those who have clearly never been poor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
+1

OP, have your kid apply for all the professional/academic striver clubs again in September when everyone is back. For the record, I’d be incredibly unhappy if my (clearly bright) kid was slacking off at the first opportunity s/he gets. Your kid should be grateful to be at such a prestigious school, and s/he needs to repay that gratitude by using the Columbia degree to get a high paying job after graduation. Everything else is just fluff.

This is fantasy and honestly pointless. Rising seniors don't apply to clubs anymore, they're over that crap. And it'd be super weird to have some random old upperclassman who's never participated in the club randomly begin attending / applying with freshmen. Rising seniors are supposed to be LEADERS of clubs, not trying to join along side 17 and 18 yo freshman. And of course the OP's kid doesn't listen to mom and dad, they're not going to start now, so this is just delusional.

OP's kid is baked in the cake. After graduation all the rich "friends" will retreat off to their affluent enclaves, be jet-setters and loafers and marry each other -- and OP's kid won't be able to keep up and the "friendships" will quickly fade.

OP's kid won't realized they pissed away the opportunity until it's too late.

+1

OP, if your kid is a rising junior, it’s not too late to take a gap year and transfer to the state school. S/he’d probably be able to handle CS or at least accounting there. Do it. Your kid will thank you in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - have you considered whether the stress/pressure from HS to get into the Ivy (and perhaps the striver classmates at the Ivy) has led your DC to find friends that are more low key to preserve their mental health? It sounds like you are only adding to that stress - especially if DC has been at home during the pandemic. Some people strive on stress and achievement but others don't.

Another thing to consider is maturity. Not everyone has maturity to fully take advantage of college opportunities, even if they very bright. I know more than a handful of people who have told the story of slacking (whether that be HS or college) and then woke up to realize their slacking had a consequence. Then...with that maturity, they had the skills from a good education (along with their own intelligence) to take steps to kick into gear and take charge of their future. But the key is that they did it themselves, not because of pressure from parents. And they did something THEY wanted to do, not something defined by someone else.

In the end, you need your DC to be an independent adult who can support themselves and be mentally healthy.

It seems like they are doing just fine academically. It may not be top of class but is not bad either. (And this may just be their level when compared to college classmates vs their HS classmates). And 50 applications sounds like they put in a big effort.

There us much to be learned as a counselor in terms of personal skills and leadership skills. And it's probably a very nice dose of mental health to be outside in the sun with people all day.

If I were you - I think my primary concern here would be whether your child is participating in drug/alcohol use that could eventually lead to addiction issues. I can't tell from your posts whether that's a potential issue.

Try to take a step back and let them grow up without you over their shoulder.

OP here. I know for a fact that my kid isn’t abusing drugs or alcohol. And guess what— it doesn’t matter if my kid is feeling “stress” or “pressure” and needs to “preserve their mental health” from high school or college. The job market doesn’t wait for you to gather you to stop being stressed. My kid needs to learn to deal with the stress and pressure, push through, and get a good career started. Nothing else matters in college because the point of Columbia is social mobility. And they’re not doing that, which is frustrating beyond belief. They need to be the one that thrives in stressful situations because there’s no other way middle class kids can move up if they can’t deal with that. But clearly they can’t. I feel like I’ve done something very wrong in raising my kid. I’m in despair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid (gender neutral to prevent doxxing) is a rising junior at a top Ivy. That’s the only good part—they basically peaked in high school. In a useless humanities major at their school with a low GPA. Got rejected from all 50 internships they applied to this summer, so they’re currently working as a camp counselor. I’m distraught. We’re middle class and my kid gets a ton of aid from their school, so we can’t afford to have them major in something useless while not working in important, resume-building internships. But they don’t listen. So frustrating. Can anyone else relate? It’s just so frustrating seeing them sabotage every single chance they get.

This sounds inconsistent. Tons of aid and you can’t afford to be embarrassed basically. Is that what you really mean, OP? Try to be proud of your adult child for making it this far. Everyone in college doesn’t make straight As like in high school. They are obviously in good academic standing or they would not still be there. Due to the ongoing pandemic, many companies may not be at full capacity with internships. Camp counselors are in demand this summer because there’s a shortage due to the pandemic. It sounds like you are the saboteur, OP, Your kid likely senses your disappointment.

Also do not understand the "a ton of aid from their school" part. If your kid gets a ton of aid from their school, you should be less depressed because your kid can afford to take a job with less pay. I would be more depressed if kids have debts and cannot get a good paying job.

I understand — it means that, unlike a family that can afford full pay for one or more kids, we don’t have the resources to finance grad/professional school for DC — much less a few years of finding him-/herself while living on our dime in some cool location. College is DC’s best shot at a UMC career and DC isn’t acting like s/he recognizes that.

Then they shouldn't have gone to an IVY! Or started out with a major that leads to direct out of school hiring into a professional field. Or had the GPA conversations and say "you are on our own when you graduate so if you make a great GPA some consumting form will pick upu ip and pay ypu bank for crazy hours. But you cant move back home"

Depending on class and where parents were raised, the family may not have understood this. I say this as a first-gen Harvard grad. The billing is this is a top school, for the best and the brightest, go there and your future is bright. When really these are schools that were designed by/for well-connected young men with access to (often generational) wealth and power. They’ve been tweaked/pressured to accommodate a more diverse student body (and the faculty may have different values than the institution), but the norm is still an affluent student body with room/resources to maneuver. Family may see kid gravitating to a lifestyle they can’t support.

Yes yes yes you get it! DC is delusional that they can follow the same path as their underachieving wealthy peers and still end up in the same place as them. Not true! It’s especially disappointing because college IS the one and only shot they get at UMC careers, but they have no interest. I think this is mainly because all of their friends are slackers; they’re the rich artsy stoner types who wish they went to Wesleyan or Brown instead of this particular school because it’s “too stressful.” It’s disappointing to have DC’s friends be recreational drug users who mainly major in the arts or humanities. Why can’t they be friends with the try-hard upwardly mobile middle class kids at their school?

I realize this sounds harsh and lots of you think I’m a troll. But those of you who have struggled to make ends meet and then have had your kid receive a wonderful opportunity like this only to squander it will be able to relate. Probably not most of DCUM.

Wait wait wait I feel lol everyone just glossed over this part. Peer group plays a huge role in your time at college, and if OP’s kid’s friends are all rich kids who expect to live off of their trust fund in Brooklyn after graduation, s/he’s in for a disappointment. Why doesn’t your kid want to be friends with all the hard working middle class kids majoring in STEM? Does she find them too aggressive and competitive? I know Columbia has a reputation for cutthroat students. I would also be concerned if all my friend’s kids were artsy slackers whose faulty work ethic was rubbing off on my kid. It’s hard for your kid to choose the right major and plot out a good career path if none of their friends are.

+1

OP, have your kid apply for all the professional/academic striver clubs again in September when everyone is back. For the record, I’d be incredibly unhappy if my (clearly bright) kid was slacking off at the first opportunity s/he gets. Your kid should be grateful to be at such a prestigious school, and s/he needs to repay that gratitude by using the Columbia degree to get a high paying job after graduation. Everything else is just fluff.

What is a high paying job for you folks? What kind of $$ are we talking about? What kind of job would make the OP happy?

Law school, med school, tech, finance, or consulting. Everything else is fluff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - have you considered whether the stress/pressure from HS to get into the Ivy (and perhaps the striver classmates at the Ivy) has led your DC to find friends that are more low key to preserve their mental health? It sounds like you are only adding to that stress - especially if DC has been at home during the pandemic. Some people strive on stress and achievement but others don't.

Another thing to consider is maturity. Not everyone has maturity to fully take advantage of college opportunities, even if they very bright. I know more than a handful of people who have told the story of slacking (whether that be HS or college) and then woke up to realize their slacking had a consequence. Then...with that maturity, they had the skills from a good education (along with their own intelligence) to take steps to kick into gear and take charge of their future. But the key is that they did it themselves, not because of pressure from parents. And they did something THEY wanted to do, not something defined by someone else.

In the end, you need your DC to be an independent adult who can support themselves and be mentally healthy.

It seems like they are doing just fine academically. It may not be top of class but is not bad either. (And this may just be their level when compared to college classmates vs their HS classmates). And 50 applications sounds like they put in a big effort.

There us much to be learned as a counselor in terms of personal skills and leadership skills. And it's probably a very nice dose of mental health to be outside in the sun with people all day.

If I were you - I think my primary concern here would be whether your child is participating in drug/alcohol use that could eventually lead to addiction issues. I can't tell from your posts whether that's a potential issue.

Try to take a step back and let them grow up without you over their shoulder.

OP here. I know for a fact that my kid isn’t abusing drugs or alcohol. And guess what— it doesn’t matter if my kid is feeling “stress” or “pressure” and needs to “preserve their mental health” from high school or college. The job market doesn’t wait for you to gather you to stop being stressed. My kid needs to learn to deal with the stress and pressure, push through, and get a good career started. Nothing else matters in college because the point of Columbia is social mobility. And they’re not doing that, which is frustrating beyond belief. They need to be the one that thrives in stressful situations because there’s no other way middle class kids can move up if they can’t deal with that. But clearly they can’t. I feel like I’ve done something very wrong in raising my kid. I’m in despair.

OP - yes, mental health matters. Your child is not you. Say that to yourself. All you can do is set your child up the best that you can and at some point the child needs take over. Your child is old enough to take over. All young people need to be self motivated and find their own drive. That might not happen precisely on your schedule. All you are doing is working to ensure you do not have a good relationship with your child when she is an adult.

Your problem is that you cannot control what your child does and it is driving you crazy. That is the life of a parent. Learn to meditate or find some other wy to relieve your stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - have you considered whether the stress/pressure from HS to get into the Ivy (and perhaps the striver classmates at the Ivy) has led your DC to find friends that are more low key to preserve their mental health? It sounds like you are only adding to that stress - especially if DC has been at home during the pandemic. Some people strive on stress and achievement but others don't.

Another thing to consider is maturity. Not everyone has maturity to fully take advantage of college opportunities, even if they very bright. I know more than a handful of people who have told the story of slacking (whether that be HS or college) and then woke up to realize their slacking had a consequence. Then...with that maturity, they had the skills from a good education (along with their own intelligence) to take steps to kick into gear and take charge of their future. But the key is that they did it themselves, not because of pressure from parents. And they did something THEY wanted to do, not something defined by someone else.

In the end, you need your DC to be an independent adult who can support themselves and be mentally healthy.

It seems like they are doing just fine academically. It may not be top of class but is not bad either. (And this may just be their level when compared to college classmates vs their HS classmates). And 50 applications sounds like they put in a big effort.

There us much to be learned as a counselor in terms of personal skills and leadership skills. And it's probably a very nice dose of mental health to be outside in the sun with people all day.

If I were you - I think my primary concern here would be whether your child is participating in drug/alcohol use that could eventually lead to addiction issues. I can't tell from your posts whether that's a potential issue.

Try to take a step back and let them grow up without you over their shoulder.

OP here. I know for a fact that my kid isn’t abusing drugs or alcohol. And guess what— it doesn’t matter if my kid is feeling “stress” or “pressure” and needs to “preserve their mental health” from high school or college. The job market doesn’t wait for you to gather you to stop being stressed. My kid needs to learn to deal with the stress and pressure, push through, and get a good career started. Nothing else matters in college because the point of Columbia is social mobility. And they’re not doing that, which is frustrating beyond belief. They need to be the one that thrives in stressful situations because there’s no other way middle class kids can move up if they can’t deal with that. But clearly they can’t. I feel like I’ve done something very wrong in raising my kid. I’m in despair.

OP, if you are that driven and adaptable yourself, how come you are only middle class? Why didn’t you apply your energy to have a better career to provide your child with the connection and safety net that they need?

[Anonymous]

I think OP is hoping that kid pulls all of them up. It is nice when it works out but a big burden on the kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - have you considered whether the stress/pressure from HS to get into the Ivy (and perhaps the striver classmates at the Ivy) has led your DC to find friends that are more low key to preserve their mental health? It sounds like you are only adding to that stress - especially if DC has been at home during the pandemic. Some people strive on stress and achievement but others don't.

Another thing to consider is maturity. Not everyone has maturity to fully take advantage of college opportunities, even if they very bright. I know more than a handful of people who have told the story of slacking (whether that be HS or college) and then woke up to realize their slacking had a consequence. Then...with that maturity, they had the skills from a good education (along with their own intelligence) to take steps to kick into gear and take charge of their future. But the key is that they did it themselves, not because of pressure from parents. And they did something THEY wanted to do, not something defined by someone else.

In the end, you need your DC to be an independent adult who can support themselves and be mentally healthy.

It seems like they are doing just fine academically. It may not be top of class but is not bad either. (And this may just be their level when compared to college classmates vs their HS classmates). And 50 applications sounds like they put in a big effort.

There us much to be learned as a counselor in terms of personal skills and leadership skills. And it's probably a very nice dose of mental health to be outside in the sun with people all day.

If I were you - I think my primary concern here would be whether your child is participating in drug/alcohol use that could eventually lead to addiction issues. I can't tell from your posts whether that's a potential issue.

Try to take a step back and let them grow up without you over their shoulder.

OP here. I know for a fact that my kid isn’t abusing drugs or alcohol. And guess what— it doesn’t matter if my kid is feeling “stress” or “pressure” and needs to “preserve their mental health” from high school or college. The job market doesn’t wait for you to gather you to stop being stressed. My kid needs to learn to deal with the stress and pressure, push through, and get a good career started. Nothing else matters in college because the point of Columbia is social mobility. And they’re not doing that, which is frustrating beyond belief. They need to be the one that thrives in stressful situations because there’s no other way middle class kids can move up if they can’t deal with that. But clearly they can’t. I feel like I’ve done something very wrong in raising my kid. I’m in despair.

You might find it helpful to speak to a therapist. A professional can help you process the transition to an adult relationship with your child. One thing is for certain, you can’t guarantee anything for your child by pressuring her and fulminating on this board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - have you considered whether the stress/pressure from HS to get into the Ivy (and perhaps the striver classmates at the Ivy) has led your DC to find friends that are more low key to preserve their mental health? It sounds like you are only adding to that stress - especially if DC has been at home during the pandemic. Some people strive on stress and achievement but others don't.

Another thing to consider is maturity. Not everyone has maturity to fully take advantage of college opportunities, even if they very bright. I know more than a handful of people who have told the story of slacking (whether that be HS or college) and then woke up to realize their slacking had a consequence. Then...with that maturity, they had the skills from a good education (along with their own intelligence) to take steps to kick into gear and take charge of their future. But the key is that they did it themselves, not because of pressure from parents. And they did something THEY wanted to do, not something defined by someone else.

In the end, you need your DC to be an independent adult who can support themselves and be mentally healthy.

It seems like they are doing just fine academically. It may not be top of class but is not bad either. (And this may just be their level when compared to college classmates vs their HS classmates). And 50 applications sounds like they put in a big effort.

There us much to be learned as a counselor in terms of personal skills and leadership skills. And it's probably a very nice dose of mental health to be outside in the sun with people all day.

If I were you - I think my primary concern here would be whether your child is participating in drug/alcohol use that could eventually lead to addiction issues. I can't tell from your posts whether that's a potential issue.

Try to take a step back and let them grow up without you over their shoulder.

OP here. I know for a fact that my kid isn’t abusing drugs or alcohol. And guess what— it doesn’t matter if my kid is feeling “stress” or “pressure” and needs to “preserve their mental health” from high school or college. The job market doesn’t wait for you to gather you to stop being stressed. My kid needs to learn to deal with the stress and pressure, push through, and get a good career started. Nothing else matters in college because the point of Columbia is social mobility. And they’re not doing that, which is frustrating beyond belief. They need to be the one that thrives in stressful situations because there’s no other way middle class kids can move up if they can’t deal with that. But clearly they can’t. I feel like I’ve done something very wrong in raising my kid. I’m in despair.

OP, if you are that driven and adaptable yourself, how come you are only middle class? Why didn’t you apply your energy to have a better career to provide your child with the connection and safety net that they need?

Because I’m a SAHM who gave my up my career to raise my kid. And because DH and I immigrated to the US when DC was a toddler so we can provide a better life for them. But it’s so disappointing to have an ingrate as a kid who refuses to acknowledge our sacrifices. We literally moved halfway across the world all for this kid, and they refuse to even major in something employable! I’m sure all the white DCUM posters can’t relate, but if you’re an immigrant too, this will deeply resonate with you. My kid has become my biggest fear. I wonder if there’s a way to ignore all the posts from non-immigrants on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - have you considered whether the stress/pressure from HS to get into the Ivy (and perhaps the striver classmates at the Ivy) has led your DC to find friends that are more low key to preserve their mental health? It sounds like you are only adding to that stress - especially if DC has been at home during the pandemic. Some people strive on stress and achievement but others don't.

Another thing to consider is maturity. Not everyone has maturity to fully take advantage of college opportunities, even if they very bright. I know more than a handful of people who have told the story of slacking (whether that be HS or college) and then woke up to realize their slacking had a consequence. Then...with that maturity, they had the skills from a good education (along with their own intelligence) to take steps to kick into gear and take charge of their future. But the key is that they did it themselves, not because of pressure from parents. And they did something THEY wanted to do, not something defined by someone else.

In the end, you need your DC to be an independent adult who can support themselves and be mentally healthy.

It seems like they are doing just fine academically. It may not be top of class but is not bad either. (And this may just be their level when compared to college classmates vs their HS classmates). And 50 applications sounds like they put in a big effort.

There us much to be learned as a counselor in terms of personal skills and leadership skills. And it's probably a very nice dose of mental health to be outside in the sun with people all day.

If I were you - I think my primary concern here would be whether your child is participating in drug/alcohol use that could eventually lead to addiction issues. I can't tell from your posts whether that's a potential issue.

Try to take a step back and let them grow up without you over their shoulder.

OP here. I know for a fact that my kid isn’t abusing drugs or alcohol. And guess what— it doesn’t matter if my kid is feeling “stress” or “pressure” and needs to “preserve their mental health” from high school or college. The job market doesn’t wait for you to gather you to stop being stressed. My kid needs to learn to deal with the stress and pressure, push through, and get a good career started. Nothing else matters in college because the point of Columbia is social mobility. And they’re not doing that, which is frustrating beyond belief. They need to be the one that thrives in stressful situations because there’s no other way middle class kids can move up if they can’t deal with that. But clearly they can’t. I feel like I’ve done something very wrong in raising my kid. I’m in despair.

You might find it helpful to speak to a therapist. A professional can help you process the transition to an adult relationship with your child. One thing is for certain, you can’t guarantee anything for your child by pressuring her and fulminating on this board.

You are right, posting on this board will not change anything. I’m just in despair because all the other immigrant kids are doing exactly what they’re supposed to—CS, pre med, or business. Sure, most of them aren’t at an Ivy, but their parents aren’t up at night wondering if they’re wasting their four years of college play pretending to be a rich artsy brat. Just wondering if there were any other parents here in a similar situation where their kid is both incredibly ungrateful and is wasting their college education.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
+1

OP, have your kid apply for all the professional/academic striver clubs again in September when everyone is back. For the record, I’d be incredibly unhappy if my (clearly bright) kid was slacking off at the first opportunity s/he gets. Your kid should be grateful to be at such a prestigious school, and s/he needs to repay that gratitude by using the Columbia degree to get a high paying job after graduation. Everything else is just fluff.

This is fantasy and honestly pointless. Rising seniors don't apply to clubs anymore, they're over that crap. And it'd be super weird to have some random old upperclassman who's never participated in the club randomly begin attending / applying with freshmen. Rising seniors are supposed to be LEADERS of clubs, not trying to join along side 17 and 18 yo freshman. And of course the OP's kid doesn't listen to mom and dad, they're not going to start now, so this is just delusional.

OP's kid is baked in the cake. After graduation all the rich "friends" will retreat off to their affluent enclaves, be jet-setters and loafers and marry each other -- and OP's kid won't be able to keep up and the "friendships" will quickly fade.

OP's kid won't realized they pissed away the opportunity until it's too late.

+1

OP, I’d try to find an older mentor (late 20s or early 30s) who can knock some sense into your kid. Kids never listen to their parents, but they’ll take a mentor to heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. I know for a fact that my kid isn’t abusing drugs or alcohol. And guess what— it doesn’t matter if my kid is feeling “stress” or “pressure” and needs to “preserve their mental health” from high school or college. The job market doesn’t wait for you to gather you to stop being stressed. My kid needs to learn to deal with the stress and pressure, push through, and get a good c

Because I’m a SAHM who gave my up my career to raise my kid. And because DH and I immigrated to the US when DC was a toddler so we can provide a better life for them. But it’s so disappointing to have an ingrate as a kid who refuses to acknowledge our sacrifices. We literally moved halfway across the world all for this kid, and they refuse to even major in something employable! I’m sure all the white DCUM posters can’t relate, but if you’re an immigrant too, this will deeply resonate with you. My kid has become my biggest fear. I wonder if there’s a way to ignore all the posts from non-immigrants on here.

I'd push back on that. White parents can relate, they just largely give up on or don't even comprehend the prestige academic rat race. Average white parents just seem to obsess over pointless travel sports, if anything. The average white parent sees "college" as merely going to college, any college. White parents don't tend to pay much attention to majors, although most white parents tend to show some admiration for engineering. Very tiny subset of parents can rattle off things like all 8 Ivies, the entire US News top 20, or comprehends a lucrative Wall Street, FAANG, or consulting gig out of college.

[Anonymous]

OP. GET. SOME. PROFESSIONAL. HELP. NOW. STEP. AWAY. FROM.DCUM. Seriously, the posters are feeding all your feelings of insecurity, which is evident by your need to respond to posters. Once your child graduates from college, you will cease to have any influence. A professional can help you see you need to let go.

[Anonymous]

This is a work of fiction from OP, won’t convince me otherwise.

Translation: here’s me, if I had a ingrate liberal arts student, of the sort that stole a seat from my DC. If there even is a DC, no worries, they’re commuting to state school, on track to be an engineer or even a pharmacist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a troll - Ivy grad here.

+1

Why is this sh&t allowed on this board?!?!?