Any way to disinvite a cousin from an annual beach reunion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your cousin sounds like my SIL. It's all great when people are doing things for her. Cooking, feeding her kids, looking after them, cleaning up their mess after meals while she does whatever she pleases.

She made plans for her and BIL to go fishing one evening just the two of them. They sat and made their plans in front of us. When my nephew asked "who is taking care of us?" nobody said a word. I watched SIL's face, she was not pleased. They did not go fishing. She did the same thing when she wanted to go drinking with her friends. Nobody jumped in and offered to watch the kids.

We stopped going to the family get together.

Yes, I have a sister like this. Very entitled. She feels everyone owes her things, but feels no need to reciprocate or even worse she buys you some junk you don't want thinking she made up for it. We cook all meals, clean, watch kids and here is an ugly mug...now we are even. We distanced ourselves after she was quite offended and latitda when we made it clear we were not the maid service and chefs and everyone pitches in. Same thing happened with not one, but 2 of her friends. She would not pitch in one iota and both on different occasions stopped inviting her to visit. She ranted about rude they were to expect a guest to help out when she invited herself to their places.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP don't you feel any ownership of this annual family event, and some pride in it? I'm sure your family looks up to you for making it happen every year, and your kids enjoys time together. It's not just like you all being in same space. You are putting on something special, and while you might not be hearing it enough as you deserve, I'm sure your cousin is thankful and really cherishes this time every year.

Cousin has her own place. No need to crash OP’s vacation full time.

It's all of their vacations. It's not OP's home. And unless Op's parents have given her total control of the space, I can see it becoming a situation where OP and her cousin fight over which week they will be allowed to use the home.

You are crazy af! If my parents have a vacation home, my cousins don’t have any say so over when it’s used unless my parents say so. If it’s my parents home I have control the weeks I’m there.

The cousin is lazy this isn’t new per the OP.

[Anonymous]

If anything, this thread is convincing me to NOT go to for a family vacation later this year because I don't want to care for anyone else's kids.

[Anonymous]

The only person disinviting should be the owners of the home. OP, what do your parents say about all of this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only person disinviting should be the owners of the home. OP, what do your parents say about all of this?

Yeah. I can see this becoming a tricky situation if Ops .mom and dad are close to her aunt and uncle and they take it as a slight.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are completely in the right here, and a lot of the posters are just flat out ridiculous (or maybe have a lot in common with your cousin).

We do a yearly beach trip with two other families (total of 5 adults and 4 children). We grocery shop communally and everyone takes turns cooking dinner (even the kids, which is a fun if not totally tasty experience!). Everyone is very much of the "it takes a village philosophy" and it makes for a fun, smooth, and relaxing experience for all. For example, any adult going to get a drink will absolutely offer refills to the other adults. "Hey, I'm going to get more sangria. Anyone need a refill?" Regarding each others' children, all the parents pitch in. The two early rising parents prep breakfast for all of the kids. I usually end up making the sandwiches for all of the kids to take to the beach because I'm a quick sandwich maker. We all pitch in to watch each others children in order for all of us adults to have some childfree time.

The communal aspect and attitude is probably the largest part of what makes a multi-family vacation work. I can't imagine spending my limited time and money to vacation with a bunch of selfish assholes. And frankly, a lot of you sound like selfish assholes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given the long history, I definitely think that it's worth having a conversation with cousin before you go nuclear. Establish some new rules:

1. All food/drink is communal. At the beginning of the trip, everyone puts $300 cash (or whatever amount is necessary) into a jar and grocery purchases, dinners, take-out, etc. come out of that. If/when the jar is empty, everyone recontributes. A large grocery/beer run is made at the beginning of the trip - each family must send one adult on the run. Or place a delivery order.

2. Everyone is responsible for their own laundry. (How long are you going that you need to do laundry anyway? If you make this trip only a week a lot of these rules will be easier)

3. Each couple gets one date night (or afternoon, or whatever) -- they go out while the other 2 couples stay home with all kids.

4. Defined jobs for the whole trip. For example, when getting ready for the beach, parents 1 and 2 are responsible for sunscreen, parent 3 packs snacks for all, parent 4 packs the adult cooler, parent 5 makes sure all kids use the bathroom and put shoes on, and parent 6 loads the car. Everyone has the same job every day. You can also assign dish duty, toy cleanup, whatever else you need to stay sane.

5. No working at the beach house. Take vacation or stay home.

6. Plan all dinners before you go. Make liberal use of take-out.

As for some of the other stuff, I'd just speak plainly to her about it. "Jane, we really need you and Bob to pitch in more. If you are standing in the kitchen and a kid wanders in asking for a snack, you need to hand them a banana."

I also suspect some of this might come a little easier as her kid(s) age -- if her (first?) kid is only 1, she's just not used to some of this stuff yet. In my family I have the oldest kids, so yeah, I just do whatever my nieces and nephews need. On the other hand my brother doesn't have kids, so he's more uncertain and always checking with us -- can I give him this cracker? can I take her for a walk? And things like making sure the kids use the bathroom before leaving the house don't really dawn on him.

But, also, your cousin definitely sounds like she's on the lazy side, so I wouldn't assume aging kids will solve all the problems. That's why you need to talk to her and put down some really clear, firm rules.

This is mostly okay but I take issue with this. Op is not the boss. Cousin is not the nanny. A kid can wait 5 minutes for a banana.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. There are 2 very distinct answers on this thread.

1. Every man for himself. You're on your own. Good luck. Let's not talk to each other and all do the same work, but separately.

2. It takes a village. We're all parents, we're all friends, let's do this together and share the responsibilities. We'll all get a tiny break and it will feel like a vacation.


Personally, I think team 1 sucks. For me, part of the fun of traveling with friends is sharing the responsibilities. It may be more work on the front end with planning, but on vacation it's actually less work for everyone and more like a vacation.

Team Village!

PS-- Team 1 sounds very republican to me, no?

Oversimplification. Some people are saying every man for himself, but many are simply saying don't expect someone else to take care of your own kids.

+ 1 I don't know why this is so difficult to understand. Your kid wanting goldfish is not an emergency. I'd be annoyed if my kid was bleeding or had injured themselves and cousin ignored the kid. But a kid can wait for a snack.

[Anonymous]

If op were really part of the village she'd have no problem doing the laundry too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mention that you noticed that she took a back seat for the duration of this vacation. Say that you would like her to step up and take charge of organising things for next year and participate more.

I think cousin is over op bossing everyone around and is being passive aggressive about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The house is too small. Have her get her own place. Tell her this fall so she can figure out an alternative if she wants.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given the long history, I definitely think that it's worth having a conversation with cousin before you go nuclear. Establish some new rules:

1. All food/drink is communal. At the beginning of the trip, everyone puts $300 cash (or whatever amount is necessary) into a jar and grocery purchases, dinners, take-out, etc. come out of that. If/when the jar is empty, everyone recontributes. A large grocery/beer run is made at the beginning of the trip - each family must send one adult on the run. Or place a delivery order.

2. Everyone is responsible for their own laundry. (How long are you going that you need to do laundry anyway? If you make this trip only a week a lot of these rules will be easier)

3. Each couple gets one date night (or afternoon, or whatever) -- they go out while the other 2 couples stay home with all kids.

4. Defined jobs for the whole trip. For example, when getting ready for the beach, parents 1 and 2 are responsible for sunscreen, parent 3 packs snacks for all, parent 4 packs the adult cooler, parent 5 makes sure all kids use the bathroom and put shoes on, and parent 6 loads the car. Everyone has the same job every day. You can also assign dish duty, toy cleanup, whatever else you need to stay sane.

5. No working at the beach house. Take vacation or stay home.

6. Plan all dinners before you go. Make liberal use of take-out.

As for some of the other stuff, I'd just speak plainly to her about it. "Jane, we really need you and Bob to pitch in more. If you are standing in the kitchen and a kid wanders in asking for a snack, you need to hand them a banana."

I also suspect some of this might come a little easier as her kid(s) age -- if her (first?) kid is only 1, she's just not used to some of this stuff yet. In my family I have the oldest kids, so yeah, I just do whatever my nieces and nephews need. On the other hand my brother doesn't have kids, so he's more uncertain and always checking with us -- can I give him this cracker? can I take her for a walk? And things like making sure the kids use the bathroom before leaving the house don't really dawn on him.

But, also, your cousin definitely sounds like she's on the lazy side, so I wouldn't assume aging kids will solve all the problems. That's why you need to talk to her and put down some really clear, firm rules.

This is mostly okay but I take issue with this. Op is not the boss. Cousin is not the nanny. A kid can wait 5 minutes for a banana.

Then cousin’s kid can sit in a shitty diaper for as long as it takes its lazy mother to notice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:a relative is totally reasonably responsible for throwing snacks in a bag, adding chairs to the car, or asking if the kids have peed. Not sitting on their phones and asking why the cooler is empty.

I don't question that she was sitting around and could possibly have been more helpful. But packing snacks and asking questions about peeing are things that parents of older kids do (and know to do). f your BF is parenting kids of a similar age, she might be more on your wavelength and acting as your proxy. But it is not normal to expect that a parent of a one-year-old would know what needs to be done to get older kids out of the house. Your cousin is not their nanny, and asking about their urine levels would therefore be intrusive and weird.

This, and you also have 4 kids between 4 adults excluding cousin & family. If things are so chaotic that you can’t tag-team getting ready to leave for the beach, that’s not really cousin’s issue. A lot of the things you mentioned she didn’t do are pretty petty and it wouldn’t really even occur to me to notice them, personally. She has a baby in diapers, why would she think to ask if your kids have peed?!

Exactly. I have 4 kids. I wouldn't think I'm entitled to another parent getting them snacks or taking them to the bathroom. Also op sounds extremely disorganized but wants to blame it on her cousin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given the long history, I definitely think that it's worth having a conversation with cousin before you go nuclear. Establish some new rules:

1. All food/drink is communal. At the beginning of the trip, everyone puts $300 cash (or whatever amount is necessary) into a jar and grocery purchases, dinners, take-out, etc. come out of that. If/when the jar is empty, everyone recontributes. A large grocery/beer run is made at the beginning of the trip - each family must send one adult on the run. Or place a delivery order.

2. Everyone is responsible for their own laundry. (How long are you going that you need to do laundry anyway? If you make this trip only a week a lot of these rules will be easier)

3. Each couple gets one date night (or afternoon, or whatever) -- they go out while the other 2 couples stay home with all kids.

4. Defined jobs for the whole trip. For example, when getting ready for the beach, parents 1 and 2 are responsible for sunscreen, parent 3 packs snacks for all, parent 4 packs the adult cooler, parent 5 makes sure all kids use the bathroom and put shoes on, and parent 6 loads the car. Everyone has the same job every day. You can also assign dish duty, toy cleanup, whatever else you need to stay sane.

5. No working at the beach house. Take vacation or stay home.

6. Plan all dinners before you go. Make liberal use of take-out.

As for some of the other stuff, I'd just speak plainly to her about it. "Jane, we really need you and Bob to pitch in more. If you are standing in the kitchen and a kid wanders in asking for a snack, you need to hand them a banana."

I also suspect some of this might come a little easier as her kid(s) age -- if her (first?) kid is only 1, she's just not used to some of this stuff yet. In my family I have the oldest kids, so yeah, I just do whatever my nieces and nephews need. On the other hand my brother doesn't have kids, so he's more uncertain and always checking with us -- can I give him this cracker? can I take her for a walk? And things like making sure the kids use the bathroom before leaving the house don't really dawn on him.

But, also, your cousin definitely sounds like she's on the lazy side, so I wouldn't assume aging kids will solve all the problems. That's why you need to talk to her and put down some really clear, firm rules.

Yes. Some people babysat a lot or otherwise spend/spent a lot of time around young kids. I never really know how to care for a 2,3,4,5 year old properly until I grew into it by having one. I'd be more inclined to try to stay out of the way OR ask for a specific assignment. Other people are more confident in jumping in, without fear of overstepping.

It obviously isn't that simple - the flaking out on dinner is extremely weird and seems obviously inconsiderate. The husband working & shushing kids is not OK. The laundry may also be weird, but if she's throwing in a handful of shirts, it really wouldn't make sense for her to do her own individual load.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d focus on the 2 main issues (her husband working from the beach house and demanding quiet and her not stepping up to make any meals even when there’s clearly a meal rotation/cooperative meal thing going on).

Forget the rest of it. So what if she’s on her phone a lot, doesn’t refill others’ wine glasses, doesn’t help your kids get ready for the beach?

If you bring up those little things she’ll just feel attacked and offended that you clearly don’t enjoy time w her like at all if you’re so nitpicky or critical of her. But the 2 big issues do need to be addressed and should be discussed well in advance so she has time to process and figure out what she wants to do. I’d bring it up w her now or very soon while the trip is still fresh in everyone’s mind so she can’t say hmm that’s not how I remember things going and she’ll be more likely to understand where you’re coming from if you present your concerns gently and just use those 2 specific examples and don’t go on a tirade.

Couch your concerns in positive comments too (it was so great to see you all! Baby is really adorable and fun. The kids had a blast. Etc then bring up your concerns and proposed solutions for next year. Then listen to what she has to say. Then end on a positive: hope the rest of your summer goes well, look forward to seeing you soon or whatever.)

This. All the other stuff just makes you sound super controlling.

Let her know that if her husband wants to work from home he cannot expect it to be quiet.

As for meals , maybe she's not comfortable with cooking for everyone which is valid, but she'll have to be responsible for her family.

I think pp had a good idea about everyone splitting the cost forvPeapod delivery or ready made meals for the week