Any way to disinvite a cousin from an annual beach reunion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Given the long history, I definitely think that it's worth having a conversation with cousin before you go nuclear. Establish some new rules:

1. All food/drink is communal. At the beginning of the trip, everyone puts $300 cash (or whatever amount is necessary) into a jar and grocery purchases, dinners, take-out, etc. come out of that. If/when the jar is empty, everyone recontributes. A large grocery/beer run is made at the beginning of the trip - each family must send one adult on the run. Or place a delivery order.

2. Everyone is responsible for their own laundry. (How long are you going that you need to do laundry anyway? If you make this trip only a week a lot of these rules will be easier)

3. Each couple gets one date night (or afternoon, or whatever) -- they go out while the other 2 couples stay home with all kids.

4. Defined jobs for the whole trip. For example, when getting ready for the beach, parents 1 and 2 are responsible for sunscreen, parent 3 packs snacks for all, parent 4 packs the adult cooler, parent 5 makes sure all kids use the bathroom and put shoes on, and parent 6 loads the car. Everyone has the same job every day. You can also assign dish duty, toy cleanup, whatever else you need to stay sane.

5. No working at the beach house. Take vacation or stay home.

6. Plan all dinners before you go. Make liberal use of take-out.

As for some of the other stuff, I'd just speak plainly to her about it. "Jane, we really need you and Bob to pitch in more. If you are standing in the kitchen and a kid wanders in asking for a snack, you need to hand them a banana."

I also suspect some of this might come a little easier as her kid(s) age -- if her (first?) kid is only 1, she's just not used to some of this stuff yet. In my family I have the oldest kids, so yeah, I just do whatever my nieces and nephews need. On the other hand my brother doesn't have kids, so he's more uncertain and always checking with us -- can I give him this cracker? can I take her for a walk? And things like making sure the kids use the bathroom before leaving the house don't really dawn on him.

But, also, your cousin definitely sounds like she's on the lazy side, so I wouldn't assume aging kids will solve all the problems. That's why you need to talk to her and put down some really clear, firm rules.

Yes. Some people babysat a lot or otherwise spend/spent a lot of time around young kids. I never really know how to care for a 2,3,4,5 year old properly until I grew into it by having one. I'd be more inclined to try to stay out of the way OR ask for a specific assignment. Other people are more confident in jumping in, without fear of overstepping.

It obviously isn't that simple - the flaking out on dinner is extremely weird and seems obviously inconsiderate. The husband working & shushing kids is not OK. The laundry may also be weird, but if she's throwing in a handful of shirts, it really wouldn't make sense for her to do her own individual load.

She lives nearby. She can do her family’s laundry at her house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents have a house on the Cape. Growing up, me, my best friend and my cousin spent our summers here. My cousin is local to the cape. My best friend was an army brat and flew in from various corners of the country.

Fast forward to close to 40 and we fly in with our families every summer. Five kids under five. Lots of chaos and cooking and wine and beach days and yelling at kids to share. Very warm and jovial.

However, I’ve reached the end of the rope with my cousin. This woman and her husband, at age 38, does not lift a finger. She doesn’t cook or clean (despite assigning a google sheet to handle the week), she won’t handle the kids, she won’t even clear her dishes from the living room, hand a kid a snack, pour someone a cocktail. Her clothes go into the kids’ hampers so they get thrown in the wash. It’s truly breathtaking. We have six adults and five small kids in the house, and two adults basically sit all day on their phones, letting their baby hang out, and ask when dinner is.

This behavior has been seen before, but it is magnified and made impossible to handle since we’ve become parents and have shit to do. The resentment of picking up her trash or having to ask her to pick up the trash is making my blood go toxic. I am happy to host everyone but emotionally and logistically I can’t take into consideration their inability to do literally anything to move the ball forward.

They just left and already next year feels looming. Is this something one takes head on? “If you come to the house you are expected to periodically run the dishwasher, choose a night to cook, grab milk when we need it, generally get off your phone sometimes.” Or should I just say the hosue is too small? It’s a 26 year tradition that I am about to burn to the ground and I’m so exhausted and angry i don’t even care.

Cousin sounds like a jerk, but you say “my parents have” (present tense) a house on the Cape. How can you disinvite someone else to a house you don’t own?

+1 This is my question as well. Also, re the dinner spreadsheet. On the nights when she is scheduled to make dinner, why didn't you and your family simply go out OP? Same with the laundry. Why aren't your kids bringing you their dirty clothes to put into your hamper. Then you wash only your family's clothes. It seems like you are creating your own fair share of this drama.

How can you disinvite someone else to a house you don't own? Puh-lease. OP's parents allow her use of their vacation home for this reunion. That means OP has control and responsibility of the house while she and her guests are using it. It's no different than my teenagers telling their guests to leave my home when their behaviors warrant it. They don't need to call me and ask me for permission.

As the organizer and host of this reunion, OP gets to determine the rules. If her guests don't like it, they can decline to join her.

Good hosts do not treat their guests like employees

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents have a house on the Cape. Growing up, me, my best friend and my cousin spent our summers here. My cousin is local to the cape. My best friend was an army brat and flew in from various corners of the country.

Fast forward to close to 40 and we fly in with our families every summer. Five kids under five. Lots of chaos and cooking and wine and beach days and yelling at kids to share. Very warm and jovial.

However, I’ve reached the end of the rope with my cousin. This woman and her husband, at age 38, does not lift a finger. She doesn’t cook or clean (despite assigning a google sheet to handle the week), she won’t handle the kids, she won’t even clear her dishes from the living room, hand a kid a snack, pour someone a cocktail. Her clothes go into the kids’ hampers so they get thrown in the wash. It’s truly breathtaking. We have six adults and five small kids in the house, and two adults basically sit all day on their phones, letting their baby hang out, and ask when dinner is.

This behavior has been seen before, but it is magnified and made impossible to handle since we’ve become parents and have shit to do. The resentment of picking up her trash or having to ask her to pick up the trash is making my blood go toxic. I am happy to host everyone but emotionally and logistically I can’t take into consideration their inability to do literally anything to move the ball forward.

They just left and already next year feels looming. Is this something one takes head on? “If you come to the house you are expected to periodically run the dishwasher, choose a night to cook, grab milk when we need it, generally get off your phone sometimes.” Or should I just say the hosue is too small? It’s a 26 year tradition that I am about to burn to the ground and I’m so exhausted and angry i don’t even care.

Cousin sounds like a jerk, but you say “my parents have” (present tense) a house on the Cape. How can you disinvite someone else to a house you don’t own?

+1 This is my question as well. Also, re the dinner spreadsheet. On the nights when she is scheduled to make dinner, why didn't you and your family simply go out OP? Same with the laundry. Why aren't your kids bringing you their dirty clothes to put into your hamper. Then you wash only your family's clothes. It seems like you are creating your own fair share of this drama.

How can you disinvite someone else to a house you don't own? Puh-lease. OP's parents allow her use of their vacation home for this reunion. That means OP has control and responsibility of the house while she and her guests are using it. It's no different than my teenagers telling their guests to leave my home when their behaviors warrant it. They don't need to call me and ask me for permission.

As the organizer and host of this reunion, OP gets to determine the rules. If her guests don't like it, they can decline to join her.

Good hosts do not treat their guests like employees

if it's a reunion with her best friend, OP can just schedule it without mentioning anything to the cousin

[Anonymous]

Cousin sounds like a clueless, lazy, entitled pain in the ass. All these people defending her are guaranteed the clueless, lazy entitled PITAs in their own families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The big issues are not making dinner on their night, and the dh trying to work with a bunch of little kids in the house. The wine glass filling is petty as all get out, and moms of babies often don’t know how to handle older kids - I know I didn’t.

But the not-cooking dinner is flat out strange and I think it offers an opening for a heart-to-heart about what happened, and that maybe next year it would be easier for them to just visit and stay in their own house.

I don’t understand why the dh came during the day if he had to work. Why didn’t he just stay at their own house during work hours? How far away do they live?

I found the dinner thing strange too, especially since she went to bed right after. Sounds like other things are going on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cousin sounds like a clueless, lazy, entitled pain in the ass. All these people defending her are guaranteed the clueless, lazy entitled PITAs in their own families.

NP sometimes it’s okay to be lazy and ignore your responsibilities. But, that’s why it’s a terrible idea to vacation with families with other young kids. Better to vacation with grandparents. Or go to an all-inclusive with kids club.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents have a house on the Cape. Growing up, me, my best friend and my cousin spent our summers here. My cousin is local to the cape. My best friend was an army brat and flew in from various corners of the country.

Fast forward to close to 40 and we fly in with our families every summer. Five kids under five. Lots of chaos and cooking and wine and beach days and yelling at kids to share. Very warm and jovial.

However, I’ve reached the end of the rope with my cousin. This woman and her husband, at age 38, does not lift a finger. She doesn’t cook or clean (despite assigning a google sheet to handle the week), she won’t handle the kids, she won’t even clear her dishes from the living room, hand a kid a snack, pour someone a cocktail. Her clothes go into the kids’ hampers so they get thrown in the wash. It’s truly breathtaking. We have six adults and five small kids in the house, and two adults basically sit all day on their phones, letting their baby hang out, and ask when dinner is.

This behavior has been seen before, but it is magnified and made impossible to handle since we’ve become parents and have shit to do. The resentment of picking up her trash or having to ask her to pick up the trash is making my blood go toxic. I am happy to host everyone but emotionally and logistically I can’t take into consideration their inability to do literally anything to move the ball forward.

They just left and already next year feels looming. Is this something one takes head on? “If you come to the house you are expected to periodically run the dishwasher, choose a night to cook, grab milk when we need it, generally get off your phone sometimes.” Or should I just say the hosue is too small? It’s a 26 year tradition that I am about to burn to the ground and I’m so exhausted and angry i don’t even care.

Cousin sounds like a jerk, but you say “my parents have” (present tense) a house on the Cape. How can you disinvite someone else to a house you don’t own?

+1 This is my question as well. Also, re the dinner spreadsheet. On the nights when she is scheduled to make dinner, why didn't you and your family simply go out OP? Same with the laundry. Why aren't your kids bringing you their dirty clothes to put into your hamper. Then you wash only your family's clothes. It seems like you are creating your own fair share of this drama.

How can you disinvite someone else to a house you don't own? Puh-lease. OP's parents allow her use of their vacation home for this reunion. That means OP has control and responsibility of the house while she and her guests are using it. It's no different than my teenagers telling their guests to leave my home when their behaviors warrant it. They don't need to call me and ask me for permission.

As the organizer and host of this reunion, OP gets to determine the rules. If her guests don't like it, they can decline to join her.

Good hosts do not treat their guests like employees

Hosts also get to choose whom they host. They are not their guests servants.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like the cousin is treating the week as an all inclusive vacation. She’s behaving as if she is in a hotel and is expecting OP to wait on her. My SIL’s parents are like this. They will not even get up to get themselves a glass of water. They will motion for someone to come over and then ask them to go get it often with specific instructions to add a slice of lemon. SIL did this to others too never pitching in, asking people to bring her things. Our side of the family is very blunt. My grandmother hilariously called her out on it and she stopped.

OP needs to either disinvite the cousin or bluntly tell her that the rest of the group is not there to wait on her. Tell her it was ridiculous that her husband expected the kids to be quiet while he was working when he should have been working at his own house. Tell her since she doesn’t want to pitch in and lives local that she should just stay there.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why are changing her baby's soiled diapers? What is she doing while you are doing it? This is bizarre to me... that should would let you do it but also, that you would do it and consider it no big deal.

[Anonymous]

Also, men are strangely absent from this story. What are they doing all day long? And I am curious, why aren't you married? Is your BF the father of your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, men are strangely absent from this story. What are they doing all day long? And I am curious, why aren't you married? Is your BF the father of your kids?

+1. Men are suspiciously missing from these tales of woes (other than the cousin's asshole husband who probably doesn't want to even be there). BF is best friend, not boyfriend I think.

I am guessing the OP's husband and BF's husband aren't pitching in either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also wouldn’t sunscreen someone else’s kid

we definitely wouldn’t invite you along …

[Anonymous]

Cape Cod has a huge drug problem, perhaps she is a heroin addict and needs help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd love to hear the cousin's side of the story.

oh fuk yeah, me too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents have a house on the Cape. Growing up, me, my best friend and my cousin spent our summers here. My cousin is local to the cape. My best friend was an army brat and flew in from various corners of the country.

Fast forward to close to 40 and we fly in with our families every summer. Five kids under five. Lots of chaos and cooking and wine and beach days and yelling at kids to share. Very warm and jovial.

However, I’ve reached the end of the rope with my cousin. This woman and her husband, at age 38, does not lift a finger. She doesn’t cook or clean (despite assigning a google sheet to handle the week), she won’t handle the kids, she won’t even clear her dishes from the living room, hand a kid a snack, pour someone a cocktail. Her clothes go into the kids’ hampers so they get thrown in the wash. It’s truly breathtaking. We have six adults and five small kids in the house, and two adults basically sit all day on their phones, letting their baby hang out, and ask when dinner is.

This behavior has been seen before, but it is magnified and made impossible to handle since we’ve become parents and have shit to do. The resentment of picking up her trash or having to ask her to pick up the trash is making my blood go toxic. I am happy to host everyone but emotionally and logistically I can’t take into consideration their inability to do literally anything to move the ball forward.

They just left and already next year feels looming. Is this something one takes head on? “If you come to the house you are expected to periodically run the dishwasher, choose a night to cook, grab milk when we need it, generally get off your phone sometimes.” Or should I just say the hosue is too small? It’s a 26 year tradition that I am about to burn to the ground and I’m so exhausted and angry i don’t even care.

Cousin sounds like a jerk, but you say “my parents have” (present tense) a house on the Cape. How can you disinvite someone else to a house you don’t own?

+1 This is my question as well. Also, re the dinner spreadsheet. On the nights when she is scheduled to make dinner, why didn't you and your family simply go out OP? Same with the laundry. Why aren't your kids bringing you their dirty clothes to put into your hamper. Then you wash only your family's clothes. It seems like you are creating your own fair share of this drama.

How can you disinvite someone else to a house you don't own? Puh-lease. OP's parents allow her use of their vacation home for this reunion. That means OP has control and responsibility of the house while she and her guests are using it. It's no different than my teenagers telling their guests to leave my home when their behaviors warrant it. They don't need to call me and ask me for permission.

As the organizer and host of this reunion, OP gets to determine the rules. If her guests don't like it, they can decline to join her.

Wrong, dumbo. The cousin is a close relative of her parents so it’s a more complicated situation than that. It would be like if your teenager kicked out your BFF’s son or daughter because they were staring at their phone too much.

"Dumbo"? Really? Whatever. I fully support my kids asking their guests to leave if the guests behavior don't conform to expectations - even if it was by BFF's kid and the kid was starring at their phone too much. OP's expectations of her guest are different than her guests. If guests don't want to meet expectations, they can go home.