Any way to disinvite a cousin from an annual beach reunion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. There are 2 very distinct answers on this thread.

1. Every man for himself. You're on your own. Good luck. Let's not talk to each other and all do the same work, but separately.

2. It takes a village. We're all parents, we're all friends, let's do this together and share the responsibilities. We'll all get a tiny break and it will feel like a vacation.


Personally, I think team 1 sucks. For me, part of the fun of traveling with friends is sharing the responsibilities. It may be more work on the front end with planning, but on vacation it's actually less work for everyone and more like a vacation.

Team Village!

PS-- Team 1 sounds very republican to me, no?

Not taking the politics bait--no need to bring that into this discussion. But it sounds like cousin is actually on team 3: I take from the village (meals, childcare, etc.) but I don't give to the village. If she were actually team 1, then she would bring her own food, feed herself, and refuse help with her kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. There are 2 very distinct answers on this thread.

1. Every man for himself. You're on your own. Good luck. Let's not talk to each other and all do the same work, but separately.

2. It takes a village. We're all parents, we're all friends, let's do this together and share the responsibilities. We'll all get a tiny break and it will feel like a vacation.


Personally, I think team 1 sucks. For me, part of the fun of traveling with friends is sharing the responsibilities. It may be more work on the front end with planning, but on vacation it's actually less work for everyone and more like a vacation.

Team Village!

PS-- Team 1 sounds very republican to me, no?

The problem is cousin is actually on Team 1--
they are not pitching to do anything at all for anyone else, while everyone is doing everything for them. That behavior is very republican, kind of letting everyone else pay your taxes for you.

I would vote for splitting the difference. Have the cousin come, assume she is a poor republican or damaged in some way, so treat her as such.

Do basic things for her and especially for their child, but when the baby needs a change, hand it to her or her dh. Feed them dinner, but don't get up to get them the extra glass of wine, that's up to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. There are 2 very distinct answers on this thread.

1. Every man for himself. You're on your own. Good luck. Let's not talk to each other and all do the same work, but separately.

2. It takes a village. We're all parents, we're all friends, let's do this together and share the responsibilities. We'll all get a tiny break and it will feel like a vacation.


Personally, I think team 1 sucks. For me, part of the fun of traveling with friends is sharing the responsibilities. It may be more work on the front end with planning, but on vacation it's actually less work for everyone and more like a vacation.

Team Village!

PS-- Team 1 sounds very republican to me, no?

Oversimplification. Some people are saying every man for himself, but many are simply saying don't expect someone else to take care of your own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. There are 2 very distinct answers on this thread.

1. Every man for himself. You're on your own. Good luck. Let's not talk to each other and all do the same work, but separately.

2. It takes a village. We're all parents, we're all friends, let's do this together and share the responsibilities. We'll all get a tiny break and it will feel like a vacation.


Personally, I think team 1 sucks. For me, part of the fun of traveling with friends is sharing the responsibilities. It may be more work on the front end with planning, but on vacation it's actually less work for everyone and more like a vacation.

Team Village!

PS-- Team 1 sounds very republican to me, no?

Oversimplification. Some people are saying every man for himself, but many are simply saying don't expect someone else to take care of your own kids.

----Work out the other responsibilities like asking cousin to order pizza and reminding her at 5, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:a relative is totally reasonably responsible for throwing snacks in a bag, adding chairs to the car, or asking if the kids have peed. Not sitting on their phones and asking why the cooler is empty.

I don't question that she was sitting around and could possibly have been more helpful. But packing snacks and asking questions about peeing are things that parents of older kids do (and know to do). f your BF is parenting kids of a similar age, she might be more on your wavelength and acting as your proxy. But it is not normal to expect that a parent of a one-year-old would know what needs to be done to get older kids out of the house. Your cousin is not their nanny, and asking about their urine levels would therefore be intrusive and weird.

This, and you also have 4 kids between 4 adults excluding cousin & family. If things are so chaotic that you can’t tag-team getting ready to leave for the beach, that’s not really cousin’s issue. A lot of the things you mentioned she didn’t do are pretty petty and it wouldn’t really even occur to me to notice them, personally. She has a baby in diapers, why would she think to ask if your kids have peed?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your cousin sounds like my SIL. It's all great when people are doing things for her. Cooking, feeding her kids, looking after them, cleaning up their mess after meals while she does whatever she pleases.

She made plans for her and BIL to go fishing one evening just the two of them. They sat and made their plans in front of us. When my nephew asked "who is taking care of us?" nobody said a word. I watched SIL's face, she was not pleased. They did not go fishing. She did the same thing when she wanted to go drinking with her friends. Nobody jumped in and offered to watch the kids.

We stopped going to the family get together.

Hilarious. Serves her right. Glad no one said they’d watch the nephew. What a moocher.

There are other examples.

We all brought enough food for our own families. The first year we just pooled everything as it was cooked. Butter etc was in the fridge. I brought out our bacon at breakfast one morning. She looked at it and said "that isn't enough.... ds could eat that himself." He was about 5. I said "This is enough for us.... where's yours?" Again with the butter. She brought theirs out when the rest of it was gone. (We were at the cabin, people brought their campers as well.) They were leaving that day. Someone was taking the butter into the cabin. SIL said "that goes back on our camper." The cousin responded with " everyone else's is gone, you just brought this out. What are the rest of us supposed to do?" Again, silence from SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s splitting costs thank god.

Her DH is here as well but doesn’t take vacation from work so a lot of times we have to shush the kids bc he’s on a call and shoots us looks.

Her baby is 1. Then we have a 2, 3, 4, and 5 year old.

Holy shit OP, I’d have lost my shit

+1
This IMO is much worse than the not cooking dinner/doing snacks stuff. The rest of you are ON vacation.
What do the other two DHs do?

[Anonymous]

While I'm personally on team village, I would really try to let it go. I think many decades of friendship is worth more than her share of work on a one week vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. There are 2 very distinct answers on this thread.

1. Every man for himself. You're on your own. Good luck. Let's not talk to each other and all do the same work, but separately.

2. It takes a village. We're all parents, we're all friends, let's do this together and share the responsibilities. We'll all get a tiny break and it will feel like a vacation.


Personally, I think team 1 sucks. For me, part of the fun of traveling with friends is sharing the responsibilities. It may be more work on the front end with planning, but on vacation it's actually less work for everyone and more like a vacation.

Team Village!

PS-- Team 1 sounds very republican to me, no?

I was with you until your last comment. We just went on vacation with our very liberal friends (we are conservative) and we literally all chipped in and took turns cooking and cleaning and had a fantastic time. No politics involved.

[Anonymous]

I am totally on team village. That’s how these kids grow up and god willing have their own mini little reunions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I'm personally on team village, I would really try to let it go. I think many decades of friendship is worth more than her share of work on a one week vacation.

But the cousin is local to Cape Cod. She can stay at her own home and come for occasional dinners and stuff. She might even find it more relaxing.

[Anonymous]

OP, still no comments about your two DHs. Do they not go? If so, don't have cousin's DH attend. If they were there, what are they doing during all this?

[Anonymous]

Mention that you noticed that she took a back seat for the duration of this vacation. Say that you would like her to step up and take charge of organising things for next year and participate more.

[Anonymous]

Given the long history, I definitely think that it's worth having a conversation with cousin before you go nuclear. Establish some new rules:

1. All food/drink is communal. At the beginning of the trip, everyone puts $300 cash (or whatever amount is necessary) into a jar and grocery purchases, dinners, take-out, etc. come out of that. If/when the jar is empty, everyone recontributes. A large grocery/beer run is made at the beginning of the trip - each family must send one adult on the run. Or place a delivery order.

2. Everyone is responsible for their own laundry. (How long are you going that you need to do laundry anyway? If you make this trip only a week a lot of these rules will be easier)

3. Each couple gets one date night (or afternoon, or whatever) -- they go out while the other 2 couples stay home with all kids.

4. Defined jobs for the whole trip. For example, when getting ready for the beach, parents 1 and 2 are responsible for sunscreen, parent 3 packs snacks for all, parent 4 packs the adult cooler, parent 5 makes sure all kids use the bathroom and put shoes on, and parent 6 loads the car. Everyone has the same job every day. You can also assign dish duty, toy cleanup, whatever else you need to stay sane.

5. No working at the beach house. Take vacation or stay home.

6. Plan all dinners before you go. Make liberal use of take-out.

As for some of the other stuff, I'd just speak plainly to her about it. "Jane, we really need you and Bob to pitch in more. If you are standing in the kitchen and a kid wanders in asking for a snack, you need to hand them a banana."

I also suspect some of this might come a little easier as her kid(s) age -- if her (first?) kid is only 1, she's just not used to some of this stuff yet. In my family I have the oldest kids, so yeah, I just do whatever my nieces and nephews need. On the other hand my brother doesn't have kids, so he's more uncertain and always checking with us -- can I give him this cracker? can I take her for a walk? And things like making sure the kids use the bathroom before leaving the house don't really dawn on him.

But, also, your cousin definitely sounds like she's on the lazy side, so I wouldn't assume aging kids will solve all the problems. That's why you need to talk to her and put down some really clear, firm rules.

[Anonymous]

Some parents are really uptight about snacks and stuff. I wouldn’t think to offer a kid that isn’t mine a banana unless they asked for one and parent said it was OK.

I also wouldn’t sunscreen someone else’s kid, I don’t feel comfortable touching other people’s children. Maybe because there is a history of abuse in my family.

That said, I am head chef on vacation, and always do more than my share of chores...I think OP just needs to talk about expectations up front. Be more blunt...”what are YOU planning for dinner tonight? It is your night.” And have a pizza place number ready for her if she doesn’t know. She pays.