Husband said I’m selfish and terrible wife and he will divorce me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Am I being unreasonable? If I looked at the time a bit, was that worth him telling me I "embarrassed him in front of his family?"

I responded by asking if he was embarrassed his sister treats me so poorly?

I mean, we only have your description of events but it does sound like you were watching the clock, trying to rush everyone through the meal, and generally making it clear you didn't want to be there. I would be embarrassed if my husband did that at my parents' house. But looking at this particular night in isolation misses the point.

She talked to her husband previously and told him she wanted to leave at 7:30. He refused to discuss it with her. Not wanting to be there is entirely legitimate in this situation, and if he doesn't like it, he should feel embarrassed that he wouldn't talk to her about this earlier and come up with a plan. At this point, I would assume that he is getting something from the dynamic where his wife fails to meet his family's expectations and that gives him a reason to criticize her. Otherwise, why set her up like this? This is not someone who is trying to minimize conflict and solve problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Am I being unreasonable? If I looked at the time a bit, was that worth him telling me I "embarrassed him in front of his family?"

I responded by asking if he was embarrassed his sister treats me so poorly?

I mean, we only have your description of events but it does sound like you were watching the clock, trying to rush everyone through the meal, and generally making it clear you didn't want to be there. I would be embarrassed if my husband did that at my parents' house. But looking at this particular night in isolation misses the point.

She talked to her husband previously and told him she wanted to leave at 7:30. He refused to discuss it with her. Not wanting to be there is entirely legitimate in this situation, and if he doesn't like it, he should feel embarrassed that he wouldn't talk to her about this earlier and come up with a plan. At this point, I would assume that he is getting something from the dynamic where his wife fails to meet his family's expectations and that gives him a reason to criticize her. Otherwise, why set her up like this? This is not someone who is trying to minimize conflict and solve problems.

Both things are true. If I go to my in-laws' place for the evening, I act like I want to be there, regardless of how I feel about it. But my husband is also a reasonable person who would agree to leave at a reasonable time and would never scream at me or threaten to divorce me like OP describes, even if I slipped up and acted rude.

That's why I said looking at the particular night in isolation misses the point. In a functional relationship you address this ahead of time, but OP and her husband do not have a functional relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Am I being unreasonable? If I looked at the time a bit, was that worth him telling me I "embarrassed him in front of his family?"

I responded by asking if he was embarrassed his sister treats me so poorly?

I mean, we only have your description of events but it does sound like you were watching the clock, trying to rush everyone through the meal, and generally making it clear you didn't want to be there. I would be embarrassed if my husband did that at my parents' house. But looking at this particular night in isolation misses the point.

agreed. while your clockwatching behavior may have indeed embarrassed your husband you need to step back and look at the big picture. Your husband prioritizes his birth family and he doesn't value you. His willingness to name call, threaten divorce, dismiss your feelings, refusal to step in when SIL is being a dick and generally allows himself to veer into abusive territory so easily is what you need to focus on here. Who cares about the one evening at his parents'? His family doesn't like you or value you, your husband has shown through his actions that they are more important to him. What else do you need to know? Do not have a child with this man and you need to begin divorce proceedings. Next time he threatens to leave (and he will because once he's broken past that barrier it will be easier and easier to unsheathe that weapon), let him. By the way, do you spend time with your family as a couple?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you didn’t realize you were marrying into families that party and gather long into the night. It’s considered extremely rude to leave in just two hours no matter who you are because family time is precious.


It’s not a standard thing that a 2 hour family visit is rude. For local family that we see often, 2 hours is PLENTY!!!! It’s weird if people stay longer! Stop assuming all families are the same. OP was there all day. Leaving g at 8:20 is not rude.

OP was there for more than six hours (2 pm to 8:20 pm). She's watching the clock because she requested they leave by 7:30 AND because spouse has a history of insisting they stay until 11 pm at night or longer.

Look OP your husband and his family think they are normal and you are being rude. You are not,but you are not going to change their (dysfunctional) ideas of what is socially acceptable. Stop worrying about whether you are rude. THe issue is that you've tried to set reasonable boundaries and your spouse and his family ignore them and insult you in the process.

I think it would be a gift to you if your spouse divorced you over this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Am I being unreasonable? If I looked at the time a bit, was that worth him telling me I "embarrassed him in front of his family?"

I responded by asking if he was embarrassed his sister treats me so poorly?

I mean, we only have your description of events but it does sound like you were watching the clock, trying to rush everyone through the meal, and generally making it clear you didn't want to be there. I would be embarrassed if my husband did that at my parents' house. But looking at this particular night in isolation misses the point.

She talked to her husband previously and told him she wanted to leave at 7:30. He refused to discuss it with her. Not wanting to be there is entirely legitimate in this situation, and if he doesn't like it, he should feel embarrassed that he wouldn't talk to her about this earlier and come up with a plan. At this point, I would assume that he is getting something from the dynamic where his wife fails to meet his family's expectations and that gives him a reason to criticize her. Otherwise, why set her up like this? This is not someone who is trying to minimize conflict and solve problems.

His family sounds awful and dramatic and who would want to be around that sister in law. Team OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Am I being unreasonable? If I looked at the time a bit, was that worth him telling me I "embarrassed him in front of his family?"

I responded by asking if he was embarrassed his sister treats me so poorly?

I mean, we only have your description of events but it does sound like you were watching the clock, trying to rush everyone through the meal, and generally making it clear you didn't want to be there. I would be embarrassed if my husband did that at my parents' house. But looking at this particular night in isolation misses the point.

agreed. while your clockwatching behavior may have indeed embarrassed your husband you need to step back and look at the big picture. Your husband prioritizes his birth family and he doesn't value you. His willingness to name call, threaten divorce, dismiss your feelings, refusal to step in when SIL is being a dick and generally allows himself to veer into abusive territory so easily is what you need to focus on here. Who cares about the one evening at his parents'? His family doesn't like you or value you, your husband has shown through his actions that they are more important to him. What else do you need to know? Do not have a child with this man and you need to begin divorce proceedings. Next time he threatens to leave (and he will because once he's broken past that barrier it will be easier and easier to unsheathe that weapon), let him. By the way, do you spend time with your family as a couple?

+1000

[Anonymous]

It sounds like there are other issues. Extended family aside: are you selfish and a terrible wife?

DH and I have big arguments like this sometimes. They always bring out old resentments and are rarely about the issue at hand. I understand, in reading this thread, why you are angry and resentful of him. But why is he so angry with you? Why does he think you are a terrible wife?

[Anonymous]

I understand how his family is because mine is the same way. They’re not going to change and if he is very close to them he will appease them.

Drive separately or sometimes just don’t go (make up an excuse or story for him to tell them).

The being a “bad wife” comment should be explored. Is that in relation to this leaving early thing or is there other stuff going on? It sounds like the latter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And why don't you drive yourself?

Yes. So much drama. My wife and I don't always want to stay for the same amount of time for various activities, including family events. We own two cars and we take them both. You go to the event (very important to make an appearance sometimes) and stay as long as you think is best.

If someone wants to leave early, they just do it. "He/she was feeling tired and wanted to get some rest." It's not rocket surgery.