Husband said I’m selfish and terrible wife and he will divorce me

[Anonymous]

OP here. Am I being unreasonable? If I looked at the time a bit, was that worth him telling me I "embarrassed him in front of his family?"

I responded by asking if he was embarrassed his sister treats me so poorly?

[Anonymous]

1) You will always come after MIL. Nothing you do will ever be good enough. You could be 100% accommodating. Doing everything they want and it still won't be enough.

2) Understand that DH doesn't care about your feelings. MIL feelings are the only thing that will ever matter. You either understand and accept that, or you leave. You will never, ever, ever convince him otherwise.

3) he allows your SIL to say mean things to you. If my parents ever said anything mean to DH (or about DH), I would 100% walk away from them. Your DH is showing you that you and your feelings don't matter to him.

4) If DH ever threatens divorce, I'd be talking with 3-5 lawyers immediately and choosing one ASAP. And I would tell, DH, if you want a divorce, here is my lawyer. You don't threaten divorce ever.

5) based on your most recent response, you are focusing on the wrong thing. You are looking at the details of this phrase or this situation. Take a step back. Look at the big picture. What would you tell a best girlfriend to do if: her husband but MIL and SIL first and didn't care if her feelings were hurt?

[Anonymous]

Huge OP.

You married into a challenging situation with your inlaws!

Re: mother-in-laws: conflict with them is the rule rather than the exception. Everyone knows that;

Re: hateful sister-in-law: your husband actually CAN control this easily: never see her again. Or, stop insisting you come along.

Anyway, this situation needs to be ameliorated before you bring innocent kids into this disfunction. It really does.

Sorry if that interferes with your family planning.

[Anonymous]

Hugs, not huge. ^^^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

Husband slept on the couch yesterday. We have interacted little today although he sent out and came back saying he bought tennis balls for our lesson tonight. I am keeping to myself and processing everything.

I am annoyed that my husband tries to paint me as the bad guys instead of being on my team or acting like we are a unit. I understand for better or worse his family, especially his MOTHER is VERY important to him. His sister and he hardly communicate outside of the family gatherings and his dad is a nice but quiet man. Whenever I make a request to create some sort of boundary, instead of agreeing to it or seeing my point, he throws a fit saying his family has always done it this way and his mom's feelings will be hurt if we do something differently.

- His only regular vacation is when we go away with his family to the beach. No matter what or how, if his mother says we are doing it he will be on board. When I ask about planning a vacation for just the two of us, its a struggle.

- His family liked to do road trips all together in one big SUV. Mom, dad, brother sister. When I married him, it was me included. Imagine a 5 hour road trip. ALL OF US TOGETHER. This kept on going until SIL got herself a fiancé and now she and he travel separately. Of course MIL, FIL, Husband and I still TRAVEL TOGETHER!!!

- His sister has always either hated me or ignored my existence. She makes fun of me and puts me down in front of others and her family. NO ONE TELLS HER TO STOP. I have cried about this flabbergasted to my husband many times and his only response is, " I can't control my family!"

- If I say I don't want to do something, instead of respecting my wishes, he will go whine to his mom about how Larla doesnt want to do X and then it becomes a whole thing where I am the bad guy.

I say this kindly, because I understand you are unhappy. Have you considered therapy for yourself? What I’m noticing in your posts is 1) low self-esteem, leading you to overvalue others’ opinions of you (i.e. you keep asking if your preferences make you selfish as he said you were — it’s clear that his words shake you, and this is what you keep coming back to instead of how you feel about him shouting at you and disrespecting you); 2) victim perspective, centering on resentments of what others do and say and “make” you do as opposed to a focus on your own agency in marrying and staying married to this person; 3) fear of abandonment, as when you beg him not to leave you — it’s as if you feel worthless inside and that’s why you fear his judgment and abuse and the ill treatment of others, but the worst thing of all would be being rejected by them.

You need to sit down and do a thorough inventory of issues in your family of origin that might have led to what you are dealing with here. It’s clear that there is quite a bit of incompatibility in this marriage, ie you want a modern partnership and he has more traditional ideas in mind. But the main question is why you continue to stay with him knowing that this is the deal. He’s not going to change. He’s not going to suddenly start asking you what you want to do, standing up to his mom (as he has convinced himself that what makes him happy is pleasing his family), or put on a cheerful face when you assert your own needs and wants. If you were to unravel your own issues it might give you the strength to accept that this is the situation and make a genuine decision about what you want. You deserve to be happy and you don’t need to do anything to prove or justify your existence. Be well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you didn’t realize you were marrying into families that party and gather long into the night. It’s considered extremely rude to leave in just two hours no matter who you are because family time is precious.

It’s not a standard thing that a 2 hour family visit is rude. For local family that we see often, 2 hours is PLENTY!!!! It’s weird if people stay longer! Stop assuming all families are the same. OP was there all day. Leaving g at 8:20 is not rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is all on the wife. Some stuff you have to do and you do not get to complain. This is one of those. You have to suck it up and stay late. It is father's day for sakes. Also based on your post you probably did overlook at your watch.

Let him go. Get counseling if you want to continue with the relationship. Nothing good can come of talking it out on your own. Too much has been said.

Is it just me or there a lot of nit very bright, weak, doormat-style women posting here at DCUM lately? Like the Baby Center boards got taken down and they all flocked here or something? I’ve been noticing this in a lot of threads.

OP, your husband is an abusive ass and staying at anyone’s in-laws house for 5+ hours on a Sunday before work is insane. You get to sleep well and get ready for the work week. Your DH is unreasonable, controlling, and utterly out of line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is all on the wife. Some stuff you have to do and you do not get to complain. This is one of those. You have to suck it up and stay late. It is father's day for sakes. Also based on your post you probably did overlook at your watch.

Let him go. Get counseling if you want to continue with the relationship. Nothing good can come of talking it out on your own. Too much has been said.

Is it just me or there a lot of nit very bright, weak, doormat-style women posting here at DCUM lately? Like the Baby Center boards got taken down and they all flocked here or something? I’ve been noticing this in a lot of threads.

OP, your husband is an abusive ass and staying at anyone’s in-laws house for 5+ hours on a Sunday before work is insane. You get to sleep well and get ready for the work week. Your DH is unreasonable, controlling, and utterly out of line.

Lol +1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

Husband slept on the couch yesterday. We have interacted little today although he sent out and came back saying he bought tennis balls for our lesson tonight. I am keeping to myself and processing everything.

I am annoyed that my husband tries to paint me as the bad guys instead of being on my team or acting like we are a unit. I understand for better or worse his family, especially his MOTHER is VERY important to him. His sister and he hardly communicate outside of the family gatherings and his dad is a nice but quiet man. Whenever I make a request to create some sort of boundary, instead of agreeing to it or seeing my point, he throws a fit saying his family has always done it this way and his mom's feelings will be hurt if we do something differently.

- His only regular vacation is when we go away with his family to the beach. No matter what or how, if his mother says we are doing it he will be on board. When I ask about planning a vacation for just the two of us, its a struggle.

- His family liked to do road trips all together in one big SUV. Mom, dad, brother sister. When I married him, it was me included. Imagine a 5 hour road trip. ALL OF US TOGETHER. This kept on going until SIL got herself a fiancé and now she and he travel separately. Of course MIL, FIL, Husband and I still TRAVEL TOGETHER!!!

- His sister has always either hated me or ignored my existence. She makes fun of me and puts me down in front of others and her family. NO ONE TELLS HER TO STOP. I have cried about this flabbergasted to my husband many times and his only response is, " I can't control my family!"

- If I say I don't want to do something, instead of respecting my wishes, he will go whine to his mom about how Larla doesnt want to do X and then it becomes a whole thing where I am the bad guy.

I say this kindly, because I understand you are unhappy. Have you considered therapy for yourself? What I’m noticing in your posts is 1) low self-esteem, leading you to overvalue others’ opinions of you (i.e. you keep asking if your preferences make you selfish as he said you were — it’s clear that his words shake you, and this is what you keep coming back to instead of how you feel about him shouting at you and disrespecting you); 2) victim perspective, centering on resentments of what others do and say and “make” you do as opposed to a focus on your own agency in marrying and staying married to this person; 3) fear of abandonment, as when you beg him not to leave you — it’s as if you feel worthless inside and that’s why you fear his judgment and abuse and the ill treatment of others, but the worst thing of all would be being rejected by them.

You need to sit down and do a thorough inventory of issues in your family of origin that might have led to what you are dealing with here. It’s clear that there is quite a bit of incompatibility in this marriage, ie you want a modern partnership and he has more traditional ideas in mind. But the main question is why you continue to stay with him knowing that this is the deal. He’s not going to change. He’s not going to suddenly start asking you what you want to do, standing up to his mom (as he has convinced himself that what makes him happy is pleasing his family), or put on a cheerful face when you assert your own needs and wants. If you were to unravel your own issues it might give you the strength to accept that this is the situation and make a genuine decision about what you want. You deserve to be happy and you don’t need to do anything to prove or justify your existence. Be well.

This, totally this!

[Anonymous]

OP, imagine doing all this, plus spending a good 5 hours a day dedicated to taking care of a child. Or more if you don't work. I'm under impression his family won't help at all either. I would leave him. What are you in it for??

[Anonymous]

Op, you are as much into this drama as they are. Otherwise we have all suggested you not go. Not be with them. Or drive yourself. Be in control. Essentially, separating yourself from this drama, but you don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is all on the wife. Some stuff you have to do and you do not get to complain. This is one of those. You have to suck it up and stay late. It is father's day for sakes. Also based on your post you probably did overlook at your watch.

Let him go. Get counseling if you want to continue with the relationship. Nothing good can come of talking it out on your own. Too much has been said.

Is it just me or there a lot of nit very bright, weak, doormat-style women posting here at DCUM lately? Like the Baby Center boards got taken down and they all flocked here or something? I’ve been noticing this in a lot of threads.

OP, your husband is an abusive ass and staying at anyone’s in-laws house for 5+ hours on a Sunday before work is insane. You get to sleep well and get ready for the work week. Your DH is unreasonable, controlling, and utterly out of line.

OMG yes! It's as though all the forums on Tumblr and aReddit closed and the ding dongs flocked here.Theirbreplies to threads are completely stupid and if you don't bagree with them they accuse you of bullying. They also accuse you of bullying if you don't worship their favorite celeb or don't buy whatever lie a poster is selling.

[Anonymous]

1. Do laundry before Sunday. Plan ahead.
2. If you KNOW you will be out Sunday, plan accordingly.
3. You can't get upset when your spouse wants to spent time with THEIR FAMILY ON A FAMILY HOLIDAY!
4. Drive two cars?

I can see both points, but do you see your husbands? What does HIS FAMILY think of you by your behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who are all these PPs normalizing threatening divorce? No, it’s not ok and not normal.

They are probably in bad relationships as well. My ex did the same and I was stupid enough for not standing up to him from day 1. He continued to use it as a weapon. The last time was when he came home, and said we were moving out of state. This was 2 years after buying our dream home. I divorced him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Am I being unreasonable? If I looked at the time a bit, was that worth him telling me I "embarrassed him in front of his family?"

I responded by asking if he was embarrassed his sister treats me so poorly?

I mean, we only have your description of events but it does sound like you were watching the clock, trying to rush everyone through the meal, and generally making it clear you didn't want to be there. I would be embarrassed if my husband did that at my parents' house. But looking at this particular night in isolation misses the point.