Husband said I’m selfish and terrible wife and he will divorce me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading between the lines, it sounds like he has an obnoxious family that you don't like, they (and he) have picked up on the fact that you don't like them and don't like spending time there, and your husband is offended by this bc he is close with his family and sees it as you rejecting that and trying to change it.

So the issue about the amount of time spent there is probably just the catalyst for these deeper problems. FWIW, I would also be really annoyed if we spent that much time at my in-laws on a regular basis, especially with the drinking and obnoxious behavior you describe. However, it sounds like you haven't done a good job of hiding your distaste for them.

I'd probably end this relationship bc it sounds miserable and I don't see a path to things getting better, maybe counseling but it doesn't sound like he would be interested in that.

So my inlaws had Sunday dinner every week. I attended before we were married although I often got out of it, but my DW's other three siblings all attended with their spouses (the two that were married). It was every week 6-10ish. Did I have better things to do? Sure. Could I have spent my time differently? Sure. But my spouse wanted to do this. Nothing I was doing was that important in the grand scheme of things. I knew this was not forever. Once kids came things would be different and also, sadly, they would pass at some point. But my spouse wanted to do it so I did. Now, years later, I would not have taken those events and memories from her. I did it for her and would do it again. They were a close family that spent lots of together time and as I look back at my life there is nothing I would have preferred to do --- all for her -- frankly kind of a minor and unworthy sacrifice on my part given all she has had to put up with me.

What's missing in the discussion above is that you do in-law family stuff for the spouse not the in-laws. Now OP may not want to make that sacrifice. And that's ok. Maybe the magnitude of it is worse over time. So she should have conversations with her husband and they should work it out together. Counseling could help them communicate. Maybe there is a middle ground that a more in touch couple would have come up with quickly. But the answer could be they need to do this once and a while (but less than they are now) and if that is what he says she needs to sacrifice or just end the whole thing.

She tried to have a conversation and work it out together - she said before they went that she wanted to get home by a certain point, which is communicating just fine. He refused to have that conversation with her, setting her up to fail to meet his expectations in this way. Their issue here is not the in-laws, or this particular time commitment at all. You cannot work it out with someone who says f*ck you and that they hate you.

I agree that if he said this way or the highway, her two choices are this way or the highway. The f you and hate you stuff is later and I tend to agree that probably is the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading between the lines, it sounds like he has an obnoxious family that you don't like, they (and he) have picked up on the fact that you don't like them and don't like spending time there, and your husband is offended by this bc he is close with his family and sees it as you rejecting that and trying to change it.

So the issue about the amount of time spent there is probably just the catalyst for these deeper problems. FWIW, I would also be really annoyed if we spent that much time at my in-laws on a regular basis, especially with the drinking and obnoxious behavior you describe. However, it sounds like you haven't done a good job of hiding your distaste for them.

I'd probably end this relationship bc it sounds miserable and I don't see a path to things getting better, maybe counseling but it doesn't sound like he would be interested in that.

So my inlaws had Sunday dinner every week. I attended before we were married although I often got out of it, but my DW's other three siblings all attended with their spouses (the two that were married). It was every week 6-10ish. Did I have better things to do? Sure. Could I have spent my time differently? Sure. But my spouse wanted to do this. Nothing I was doing was that important in the grand scheme of things. I knew this was not forever. Once kids came things would be different and also, sadly, they would pass at some point. But my spouse wanted to do it so I did. Now, years later, I would not have taken those events and memories from her. I did it for her and would do it again. They were a close family that spent lots of together time and as I look back at my life there is nothing I would have preferred to do --- all for her -- frankly kind of a minor and unworthy sacrifice on my part given all she has had to put up with me.

What's missing in the discussion above is that you do in-law family stuff for the spouse not the in-laws. Now OP may not want to make that sacrifice. And that's ok. Maybe the magnitude of it is worse over time. So she should have conversations with her husband and they should work it out together. Counseling could help them communicate. Maybe there is a middle ground that a more in touch couple would have come up with quickly. But the answer could be they need to do this once and a while (but less than they are now) and if that is what he says she needs to sacrifice or just end the whole thing.

The middle ground is she spent 6 hours with his family!

To you. Not to him. The middle has to be between them. At some point she has to call it quits if it is that upsetting. But this is not an objective standard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are all these PPs normalizing threatening divorce? No, it’s not ok and not normal.

People in toxic abusive relationships.

People who are abusive.

People who grew up with parents/ family that treated each other this way and don't see anything wrong with it.

People who value having a man/ husband above all else.

Threatening divorce is an attention getting statement. It means I am hurting to the point where I want to change my life without you in it. If he said this, he has been thing about it for a long time. It's not normal and not ok for the relationship. But it is honest. It's a last clear shot to save things. Perhaps they are too far gone already by the time you are saying it. It's only abusive if it is a pattern over time. Here is does not seem that way but rather the possible end point of the marriage.

For those that think it is per se abusive, please tell me how else you communicate that you are done and leaving? I agree a pattern of this is abusive. But I would have said this only once and been done with the relationship.

When my husband was saying and doing things that were not tolerable to me in our marriage, I started making plans for what the next steps would be if they continued. We'd already had many conversations about his behavior. After I'd thought a bit about moving out (and where I'd go) and what we would do about school, I told him that and asked him to have a conversation with me about it. I think I said something like "I've been looking at apartments for me and the kids if that's a step I need to take. Can we talk about that?" At no point did I say I hated him, although he had certainly said things on par with that to me. It's not that hard to have a conversation about this where you don't yell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are about to celebrate 20 years of marriage and have never once yelled at each other, much less said anything even close to this horrible. Is alcohol involved? This is not okay or normal behavior.

That's not necessarily good. Maybe you bottle things up.
Maybe you are just meek and let people take advantage of you.

Some people are capable of commutation without yelling.

How exactly would you calmly communicate “I hate you, you are a terrible wife, and I am divorcing you?”

Isn’t that message normally delivered in a raised voice?

[Anonymous]

Op here.

Husband slept on the couch yesterday. We have interacted little today although he sent out and came back saying he bought tennis balls for our lesson tonight. I am keeping to myself and processing everything.

I am annoyed that my husband tries to paint me as the bad guys instead of being on my team or acting like we are a unit. I understand for better or worse his family, especially his MOTHER is VERY important to him. His sister and he hardly communicate outside of the family gatherings and his dad is a nice but quiet man. Whenever I make a request to create some sort of boundary, instead of agreeing to it or seeing my point, he throws a fit saying his family has always done it this way and his mom's feelings will be hurt if we do something differently.

- His only regular vacation is when we go away with his family to the beach. No matter what or how, if his mother says we are doing it he will be on board. When I ask about planning a vacation for just the two of us, its a struggle.

- His family liked to do road trips all together in one big SUV. Mom, dad, brother sister. When I married him, it was me included. Imagine a 5 hour road trip. ALL OF US TOGETHER. This kept on going until SIL got herself a fiancé and now she and he travel separately. Of course MIL, FIL, Husband and I still TRAVEL TOGETHER!!!

- His sister has always either hated me or ignored my existence. She makes fun of me and puts me down in front of others and her family. NO ONE TELLS HER TO STOP. I have cried about this flabbergasted to my husband many times and his only response is, " I can't control my family!"

- If I say I don't want to do something, instead of respecting my wishes, he will go whine to his mom about how Larla doesnt want to do X and then it becomes a whole thing where I am the bad guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are all these PPs normalizing threatening divorce? No, it’s not ok and not normal.

People in toxic abusive relationships.

People who are abusive.

People who grew up with parents/ family that treated each other this way and don't see anything wrong with it.

People who value having a man/ husband above all else.

Threatening divorce is an attention getting statement. It means I am hurting to the point where I want to change my life without you in it. If he said this, he has been thing about it for a long time. It's not normal and not ok for the relationship. But it is honest. It's a last clear shot to save things. Perhaps they are too far gone already by the time you are saying it. It's only abusive if it is a pattern over time. Here is does not seem that way but rather the possible end point of the marriage.

For those that think it is per se abusive, please tell me how else you communicate that you are done and leaving? I agree a pattern of this is abusive. But I would have said this only once and been done with the relationship.

It’s abusive to use it as a threat in an argument. If he is actually telling her he wants a divorce, he should be doing it because he is about to follow through.

But judging by his reaction to her trying to set a boundary, I bet he’s going to say he didn’t mean it.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he would prefer to be "married" to his mother than to you. Respond accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

Husband slept on the couch yesterday. We have interacted little today although he sent out and came back saying he bought tennis balls for our lesson tonight. I am keeping to myself and processing everything.

I am annoyed that my husband tries to paint me as the bad guys instead of being on my team or acting like we are a unit. I understand for better or worse his family, especially his MOTHER is VERY important to him. His sister and he hardly communicate outside of the family gatherings and his dad is a nice but quiet man. Whenever I make a request to create some sort of boundary, instead of agreeing to it or seeing my point, he throws a fit saying his family has always done it this way and his mom's feelings will be hurt if we do something differently.

- His only regular vacation is when we go away with his family to the beach. No matter what or how, if his mother says we are doing it he will be on board. When I ask about planning a vacation for just the two of us, its a struggle.

- His family liked to do road trips all together in one big SUV. Mom, dad, brother sister. When I married him, it was me included. Imagine a 5 hour road trip. ALL OF US TOGETHER. This kept on going until SIL got herself a fiancé and now she and he travel separately. Of course MIL, FIL, Husband and I still TRAVEL TOGETHER!!!

- His sister has always either hated me or ignored my existence. She makes fun of me and puts me down in front of others and her family. NO ONE TELLS HER TO STOP. I have cried about this flabbergasted to my husband many times and his only response is, " I can't control my family!"

- If I say I don't want to do something, instead of respecting my wishes, he will go whine to his mom about how Larla doesnt want to do X and then it becomes a whole thing where I am the bad guy.

You only have leverage in this situation if you can get yourself to stop caring about being the bad guy. His sister's hatred of you is terrible, but it is also a gift, because it gives you a great reason to never spend time with these people. His mother's hurt feelings are his mother's problem, and they're your husband's problem if he wants them to be his problem, but they're sure as heck not your problem. You don't need your husband's permission to set a boundary. You don't need his permission to plan a vacation for yourself or with a friend. You don't need him to see it your way. All you have to do is inform him of what you are doing and then go do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading between the lines, it sounds like he has an obnoxious family that you don't like, they (and he) have picked up on the fact that you don't like them and don't like spending time there, and your husband is offended by this bc he is close with his family and sees it as you rejecting that and trying to change it.

So the issue about the amount of time spent there is probably just the catalyst for these deeper problems. FWIW, I would also be really annoyed if we spent that much time at my in-laws on a regular basis, especially with the drinking and obnoxious behavior you describe. However, it sounds like you haven't done a good job of hiding your distaste for them.

I'd probably end this relationship bc it sounds miserable and I don't see a path to things getting better, maybe counseling but it doesn't sound like he would be interested in that.

So my inlaws had Sunday dinner every week. I attended before we were married although I often got out of it, but my DW's other three siblings all attended with their spouses (the two that were married). It was every week 6-10ish. Did I have better things to do? Sure. Could I have spent my time differently? Sure. But my spouse wanted to do this. Nothing I was doing was that important in the grand scheme of things. I knew this was not forever. Once kids came things would be different and also, sadly, they would pass at some point. But my spouse wanted to do it so I did. Now, years later, I would not have taken those events and memories from her. I did it for her and would do it again. They were a close family that spent lots of together time and as I look back at my life there is nothing I would have preferred to do --- all for her -- frankly kind of a minor and unworthy sacrifice on my part given all she has had to put up with me.

What's missing in the discussion above is that you do in-law family stuff for the spouse not the in-laws. Now OP may not want to make that sacrifice. And that's ok. Maybe the magnitude of it is worse over time. So she should have conversations with her husband and they should work it out together. Counseling could help them communicate. Maybe there is a middle ground that a more in touch couple would have come up with quickly. But the answer could be they need to do this once and a while (but less than they are now) and if that is what he says she needs to sacrifice or just end the whole thing.

The middle ground is she spent 6 hours with his family!

To you. Not to him. The middle has to be between them. At some point she has to call it quits if it is that upsetting. But this is not an objective standard.

It's the.midfle ground for them between not going at all and staying all day. Husband is wrong full stop and it's actually sick that you are trying to excuse him and blame op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are all these PPs normalizing threatening divorce? No, it’s not ok and not normal.

People in toxic abusive relationships.

People who are abusive.

People who grew up with parents/ family that treated each other this way and don't see anything wrong with it.

People who value having a man/ husband above all else.

Threatening divorce is an attention getting statement. It means I am hurting to the point where I want to change my life without you in it. If he said this, he has been thing about it for a long time. It's not normal and not ok for the relationship. But it is honest. It's a last clear shot to save things. Perhaps they are too far gone already by the time you are saying it. It's only abusive if it is a pattern over time. Here is does not seem that way but rather the possible end point of the marriage.

For those that think it is per se abusive, please tell me how else you communicate that you are done and leaving? I agree a pattern of this is abusive. But I would have said this only once and been done with the relationship.

It's abusive. It's immature. If said even once
As we tell our kids you use your words. We don't teCh our kids to tell I hate you at their siblings, we teach them to say exactly what the issue is and work for a solution. It's the same way for adults. You are fighting very hard to make her husband's words and actions okay and I don't know if it's because that's how you behave or your spouse does, but it really isn't okay and counseling should be sought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

Husband slept on the couch yesterday. We have interacted little today although he sent out and came back saying he bought tennis balls for our lesson tonight. I am keeping to myself and processing everything.

I am annoyed that my husband tries to paint me as the bad guys instead of being on my team or acting like we are a unit. I understand for better or worse his family, especially his MOTHER is VERY important to him. His sister and he hardly communicate outside of the family gatherings and his dad is a nice but quiet man. Whenever I make a request to create some sort of boundary, instead of agreeing to it or seeing my point, he throws a fit saying his family has always done it this way and his mom's feelings will be hurt if we do something differently.

- His only regular vacation is when we go away with his family to the beach. No matter what or how, if his mother says we are doing it he will be on board. When I ask about planning a vacation for just the two of us, its a struggle.

- His family liked to do road trips all together in one big SUV. Mom, dad, brother sister. When I married him, it was me included. Imagine a 5 hour road trip. ALL OF US TOGETHER. This kept on going until SIL got herself a fiancé and now she and he travel separately. Of course MIL, FIL, Husband and I still TRAVEL TOGETHER!!!

- His sister has always either hated me or ignored my existence. She makes fun of me and puts me down in front of others and her family. NO ONE TELLS HER TO STOP. I have cried about this flabbergasted to my husband many times and his only response is, " I can't control my family!"

- If I say I don't want to do something, instead of respecting my wishes, he will go whine to his mom about how Larla doesnt want to do X and then it becomes a whole thing where I am the bad guy.

Do you plan to have kids? If not (and the rest of your marriage is peaceful- ILs aside) just avoid the ILs other than special occasions and holidays. If he is upset enough about that to dump the marriage, then fine. His choice.

If you want kids, you have some serious decisions to make. Once you have kids, your DH will expect you to let his mother dictate how you raise your own child (versus hurting his moms feelings or seeming “mean”). BTDT. Generally men like this will not change.

3rd option: move away (make sure it is far enough to require air travel, generally). This may or may not solve the problem.

BTDT with all of this. Nearly divorced over ILs...counseling and a cross country move saved our marriage. Counseling alone would not have been enough.

[Anonymous]

As a previous poster said, you have one life. You can choose to try counseling and see if this gets better, leave or put up with it. I would try counseling. If it doesn’t work, that leaves two choices.
Your dh is correct, he can’t control his family. So, you control what you can and work on your marriage. Make your decisions from there. The family is not going to change and people can live a LONG time.

[Anonymous]

As a previous poster said, you have one life. You can choose to try counseling and see if this gets better, leave or put up with it. I would try counseling. If it doesn’t work, that leaves two choices.
Your dh is correct, he can’t control his family. So, you control what you can and work on your marriage. Make your decisions from there. The family is not going to change and people can live a LONG time.

agree that DH can't control his (birth) family, But he can control his own actions. He can tel his mom "we have to get going, its a work night" he can tell his sister that her comments are inappropriate and hurtful; he can plan a vacation with his wife without his family going along.

I would give it a try in counseling but at this point I don't see the situation changing because he doesn't want it to change. And if you have kids, it gets worse because he will be incredibly attached to recreating/holding onto his family of origin's dynamic even more and its unlikely he will be able to establish boundaries.

[Anonymous]

OP, how old are you? Do you plan on having kids? How long have you been married?

In my opinion, this would be a horrible family situation to bring a child into. You will want to set boundaries to meet the needs of you and your child and you will be punished for it. Your husband will continue to not support you. You will feel alone and stuck.

[Anonymous]

This whole thread is insane to me. It seems like OP does not have kids. Why on earth would she stay in this marriage? I think it's a terrible idea to stay. Get a divorce now, OP. This will only get 100x worse if you have kids.

If you don't want kids and everything else is great in your marriage, maybe just tell husband "I will spend X days a year with your family. No more, no less. If your sister is rude to me, I will not engage with her, but I will just leave. Take it or leave it, and if you are not interested in that deal, I'll find a new place next week."