How to keep the other woman away from my child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was your daughter OP. I was 12.

My mom was a lot like you. Because of it, I hated my dad for years. I don't think my mom ever came out and said "dad cheated on me with S and that's why we are divorced" but she still made it know.

When I was in college, it occured to me that my mom was pissed at my dad and using me as revenge. And she got her revenge. But she also ruined my relationship with my dad for me. I hated her for it. I hated how selfish she was. I hated that she cared more about revenge than letting me have my dad. I hated that she couldn't put my happiness first. That destroyed my relationship with her for a while too.

I now have a relationship with both my parents (I'm mid 30s) but it took a lot of therapy. When I think back I'm still angry with my mom. I can't get those years back.

So my advice OP is to put your daughter first. Don't make her a pawn in your anger and want for revenge. Let her have a normal relationship with her dad. And please, get therapy.

Why doesn't it make you angry your dad is scum and screwed over your family?

Where did I say I didn't have anger then or now? Anger doesn't mean you stop loving someone, or cut them off or call them names. My dad was wrong, he knows that, we have had that conversation, but he's also my dad and I love him, and he loves me.

But you expected your mother to be a saint. Your dad, you excuse.

The person you responded to is not the pp. I am and I did not post this. I also did not expect my mom to act like a saint. But I did expect her not to use me as a pawn. I do wish she let me have a relationship with my dad. I do wish she got therapy. I do wish that my dad could have been present at big events in my life. I saw other friends parents go through divorces and saw much better ways of dealing with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was your daughter OP. I was 12.

My mom was a lot like you. Because of it, I hated my dad for years. I don't think my mom ever came out and said "dad cheated on me with S and that's why we are divorced" but she still made it know.

When I was in college, it occured to me that my mom was pissed at my dad and using me as revenge. And she got her revenge. But she also ruined my relationship with my dad for me. I hated her for it. I hated how selfish she was. I hated that she cared more about revenge than letting me have my dad. I hated that she couldn't put my happiness first. That destroyed my relationship with her for a while too.

I now have a relationship with both my parents (I'm mid 30s) but it took a lot of therapy. When I think back I'm still angry with my mom. I can't get those years back.

So my advice OP is to put your daughter first. Don't make her a pawn in your anger and want for revenge. Let her have a normal relationship with her dad. And please, get therapy.

Why doesn't it make you angry your dad is scum and screwed over your family?

Where did I say I didn't have anger then or now? Anger doesn't mean you stop loving someone, or cut them off or call them names. My dad was wrong, he knows that, we have had that conversation, but he's also my dad and I love him, and he loves me.

But you expected your mother to be a saint. Your dad, you excuse.

I'm not the pp you initially replied to, my mistake, but since I answered your first question, I'll reply. In my situation, I didn't expect my mom to be a saint. I'm grateful that she was. I'm grateful that she didn't act selfishly like my dad, and triple the pain I was already in from my family being blown apart. Therapy helped me to recognize that I could be angry with my dad for what he did, but still love him, grieve what was lost and move forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was your daughter OP. I was 12.

My mom was a lot like you. Because of it, I hated my dad for years. I don't think my mom ever came out and said "dad cheated on me with S and that's why we are divorced" but she still made it know.

When I was in college, it occured to me that my mom was pissed at my dad and using me as revenge. And she got her revenge. But she also ruined my relationship with my dad for me. I hated her for it. I hated how selfish she was. I hated that she cared more about revenge than letting me have my dad. I hated that she couldn't put my happiness first. That destroyed my relationship with her for a while too.

I now have a relationship with both my parents (I'm mid 30s) but it took a lot of therapy. When I think back I'm still angry with my mom. I can't get those years back.

So my advice OP is to put your daughter first. Don't make her a pawn in your anger and want for revenge. Let her have a normal relationship with her dad. And please, get therapy.

Why doesn't it make you angry your dad is scum and screwed over your family?

Where did I say I didn't have anger then or now? Anger doesn't mean you stop loving someone, or cut them off or call them names. My dad was wrong, he knows that, we have had that conversation, but he's also my dad and I love him, and he loves me.

But you expected your mother to be a saint. Your dad, you excuse.

I'm not the pp you initially replied to, my mistake, but since I answered your first question, I'll reply. In my situation, I didn't expect my mom to be a saint. I'm grateful that she was. I'm grateful that she didn't act selfishly like my dad, and triple the pain I was already in from my family being blown apart. Therapy helped me to recognize that I could be angry with my dad for what he did, but still love him, grieve what was lost and move forward.

I took sides with my mom. I cared more about her than myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How COULD you tell your child about the affairs??

Get some help before YOU cause your child emotional trauma.

Because they are member of this family and deserve to know. If he didn't want our child to know he should have kept it in his pants

You are no better than your ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was your daughter OP. I was 12.

My mom was a lot like you. Because of it, I hated my dad for years. I don't think my mom ever came out and said "dad cheated on me with S and that's why we are divorced" but she still made it know.

When I was in college, it occured to me that my mom was pissed at my dad and using me as revenge. And she got her revenge. But she also ruined my relationship with my dad for me. I hated her for it. I hated how selfish she was. I hated that she cared more about revenge than letting me have my dad. I hated that she couldn't put my happiness first. That destroyed my relationship with her for a while too.

I now have a relationship with both my parents (I'm mid 30s) but it took a lot of therapy. When I think back I'm still angry with my mom. I can't get those years back.

So my advice OP is to put your daughter first. Don't make her a pawn in your anger and want for revenge. Let her have a normal relationship with her dad. And please, get therapy.

Why doesn't it make you angry your dad is scum and screwed over your family?

Where did I say I didn't have anger then or now? Anger doesn't mean you stop loving someone, or cut them off or call them names. My dad was wrong, he knows that, we have had that conversation, but he's also my dad and I love him, and he loves me.

But you expected your mother to be a saint. Your dad, you excuse.

I'm not the pp you initially replied to, my mistake, but since I answered your first question, I'll reply. In my situation, I didn't expect my mom to be a saint. I'm grateful that she was. I'm grateful that she didn't act selfishly like my dad, and triple the pain I was already in from my family being blown apart. Therapy helped me to recognize that I could be angry with my dad for what he did, but still love him, grieve what was lost and move forward.

I took sides with my mom. I cared more about her than myself.

That's very sad to me pp, it's sad that as a child you felt you needed to take that on for your mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the custody split?

I have our child during the week, and he has our child every weekend.

OP, I feel for you. I had the same script happen except that 2/3 through divorce he saw that he didn't ever want the twu-vuv and begged me to take him back. I didn't but faked to give it a think over. Then he ended with OW and told her that he wanted to be with me. So that's about the best chance of getting her to not be with your teen.

You already told your teen that he had girlfriends. She's going to get it and hold OW responsible. Let her handle it.


I have the same custody agreement as you. All my female friends, his bro and best mates laughed their heads off as he clearly ruined his chances for a relationship. Leave the agreement as it is. Can you even imagine having to work all week and having ALL weekend couple time with a grumpy teenager?! Men tend to spoil the children out of guilt and the OW ends up frustrated about loosing her centrality.

I have female friends without children (not OW) with partners who have their kids every 2nd weekend and I hear nothing but complaints. They stay friendly with the kids because it's what they signed up for but on a regular basis they ask me whether they should finally break up. This has especially been true for the ones with partners with teens. My friends tell me, it was fine when they were little and eager to please. Now when they talk about them it's often short of name-calling.

Finally, your daughter will have a say probably at 14.. I don't think anyone can force a teen to visit when they don't want to.

In the meantime (after Covid) use those weekends to go out and build up a great social life. I did this (pre Covid) and also met my boyfriend. Now I have a nice new relationship I lead on the weekends. I clearly prefer that to bringing a new relationship onto a child,let alone moving a stranger in. Your child will value you for acting sane in that way later in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not wanting my child around the woman that destroyed her home doesn't mean I'm all drama. not wanting to be replaced in my family like I was replaced by my husband does not make me all drama.

You're only going to be replaced if you keep creating this idea in your daughter's head that she has to choose between you and the other woman. At 13 years old you are way too established in her life to ever be replaced.

You are only going to hurt your own relationship with your daughter by continuing this idea that the other woman is evil and toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^ ok, missed the child is 13. Did the child say anything about the partner being abusive or treating the child badly? If not, it’s best for the child and you op to move on and accept That this person will be in your ex husband’s and your child’s lives - at least while she and the ex are together.

She has never met my child. Ex-DH told me that she was moving in when he dropped off our child last week.

Well time to calmly start preparing your daughter and yourself. Take the high road even when it’s difficult.

This. I went through a similar situation years ago so I know how difficult it is. At least your ex had the decency (using the word decency lightly of course) to wait to introduce your kid until after the divorce. Mine took our kids around his mistress during the divorce. Their relationship fell apart shortly after we divorced, and he died suddenly not to long after.

I will always be proud that I carried myself with class. All these years later I am saddened that my kids lost their father, but I would be lying if I didn't admit that it's easier for me in a lot of regards to not have to deal with him.

[Anonymous]

I am in your position, OP, and I 100% understand the pain and betrayal you are dealing with right now.

I'll say this - cheaters tend to make their own beds. If he is still seeing this person, eventually your child is going to find out, whether from a casual comment from a former coworker or a dumb slip when your EH or the former mistress forget the (fake) timeline they have set up.

All you can do while you wait for that to happen is to carry yourself with dignity and refuse to lie to protect your ex. Be the reliable parent, and your kids will see that the same patterns that caused your ex to cheat are going to infect his ability to be a reliable parent.

So, when it inevitably blows up in his face, you'll know that you didn't make it happen, and your kids will know that you never lied to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, hugs to you. This is a really horrid situation and like others have said, there is NOTHING you can do about it unless she poses a physical threat to your child or is bringing drugs or abusing alcohol around your child. Otherwise judges Do. Not. Care.

Your child absolutely needs to feel free to have a relationship with their dad without any guilt or pressure from you. Don't make that difficult. Make it clear to your child that it makes you happy to know that she has fun when she is with her dad. Don't pepper her with questions about what happens at her dads house but when she does share stuff she enjoyed, show enthusiasm and tell her how cool it is that she has that kind of dad that does stuff like that with her.

As for the OW.... the tricky part here is going to be handling the elephant in the room. Does your child know this woman's role in your divorce? At 13, your child probably knows more than you think, and kids always, always find out about affairs. Always.

Be very careful about answering questions about the OW. The most current and modern research from child psychologists suggests that participating in the cover up of an infidelity in a situation like this can be lead to a second trauma for the child (the first being the divorce) when the eventually learn the truth and wonder why adults they thought they could trust lied to them. At the same time, we all know that 13 is a tough age and not all kids at that age are capable of understanding that parents are fallable, good people can make bad decisions, and that it is ok to love someone even if they did something very hurtful to someone else that you love. Because that's all some complicated and heavy shit that most adults struggle with.

In my case, the kids remembered the OW from before their dad and I were divorced. She was his secretary (how original, I know) and we had socialized with her family and children on several occasions.

We have never discussed her directly, but my child knows that their father had multiple girlfriends throughout the marriage. I don't think my child knows that his current whore is the one that ruined our marriage. They started "dating" when my child was an infant.

So why did you stay? you knew your husband was unfailthful since her infancy, why did you continue to have this drama as a daily part of her existence for 13 years, instead of cutting your losses early? You could have had 11-12 years to adjust and a new and healthy relationship for yourself.

Seem preferablly to hanging onto dead wait, and trying to sabotoge your child's relationship with her father because of your hurt feelings.

It was a complicated situation I wanted to keep my family together. Him being with several women didn't sting as much as him having a long relationship with one woman. That's not why I posted today. this isn't about me and I don't want to ruin my child's relationship with their father. My intention in keeping them away from the other woman is to protect them. I don't want them to be confused and feel that they have to choose between us. I am pretty sure the other woman can't have children so she will probably try to steal mine.

You desperately need therapy. And your judgement about what is best for children is way way off. Please get help, if you care about salvaging your children’s mental health

Amen. The way you make your kids feel like they have to choose between you and the other woman is NOT TO MAKE THEM CHOOSE. She's not going to "steal" your kids. You are their mother, and nothing can change that. It is better for them if they have a harmonious relationship with this woman, who they will never mistake for their actual mother.

You aren't trying to protect your kid, you are trying to protect yourself. Stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in your position, OP, and I 100% understand the pain and betrayal you are dealing with right now.

I'll say this - cheaters tend to make their own beds. If he is still seeing this person, eventually your child is going to find out, whether from a casual comment from a former coworker or a dumb slip when your EH or the former mistress forget the (fake) timeline they have set up.

All you can do while you wait for that to happen is to carry yourself with dignity and refuse to lie to protect your ex. Be the reliable parent, and your kids will see that the same patterns that caused your ex to cheat are going to infect his ability to be a reliable parent.

So, when it inevitably blows up in his face, you'll know that you didn't make it happen, and your kids will know that you never lied to them.

Or it won't blow up in his face. He'll end up being a decent parent. And your kids will still know that you never lied to them, and that you never tried to poison or sabotage their relationship with their father.

[Anonymous]

It’s awful but you have to endure it.


They will get their just desserts eventually.

Never make your child feel bad for liking her!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate all the feedback. I recognize that I do need therapy, but him telling me she was moving in just brought up feelings I thought I had moved past. He's a good father and before Corona hit whenever I would see him show up at sporting events and doing things with our child I imagined that somehow we could work this thing out. I know that he's to blame but sometimes it's easier to blame someone you don't know very well. It feels like this person stole my life, I don't want her stealing my family too. I don't know if anyone has ever been in this exact position, but I feel like I'm being replaced. I am much prettier than she is but she's younger, and " fun". If he hadn't of destroyed my life is be more " fun" too.
Again thank you for all the advice I'm listening and internalizing it.

Well you ARE being replaced as a wife/partner so do move beyond that.

However, on the "other woman", I would take a different tack. I would do absolutely nothing. Dad cheated, dad moved her in, so I'm sorry but dad doesn't get to outsource a conversation on "why this woman is here" to mom. Say nothing to your child. Let dad handle it. All of it. Every damn word. And when your child comes back and tells you, you say, "hmmm." And nothing else. At this point teenagers are super-motivated to find attractive whatever you condemn so make sure you are never ever openly critical of her. Say "hmmm" a lot. You want to make sure that your child is positively aching to hear what you think of this. That will give you time to find the right words.

Oh, keeping them apart won't happen. They will be together. But that doesn't mean your child won't eventually choose not to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How COULD you tell your child about the affairs??

Get some help before YOU cause your child emotional trauma.

Because they are member of this family and deserve to know. If he didn't want our child to know he should have kept it in his pants

This is more damaging to children than a person cheating on a spouse. Don't take your pain out on our kid. Kid should not be involved in adult matters.

Keeping a teen in the dark is a DUMB idea.

I just described in detail how ex had spent his time and money on others. I didn't mention sex. That horse camp you didn't get to go to because we couldn't "afford" it? Well here is a picture of tramp and dad at a resort at the same time (dummy side piece posted it on social media, and it eventually got back to me.)

DD got the message, and made her choice. She goes over there, and reams them -- in front of their friends. It's so great! I love that she knows her own mind.

Tramp is mortified that her own mother now knows.

Love it!!

Communicating clearly to your DD that her dad loves the trampoline more than her is doing as much to harm to your DD as missing the horse camp.

I’m saying this as both the DD of a man who had a secret family and as the XW of a man who bought his gf a car the day after he filed to reduce his CS to ~$120/mo.

You are too invested in maintaining your children's delusions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not wanting my child around the woman that destroyed her home doesn't mean I'm all drama. not wanting to be replaced in my family like I was replaced by my husband does not make me all drama.

Your husband destroyed your home. She was just an accessory.

You are being replaced as his wife. You have been, I mean. Do get over that.

No one can replace you as a mother.

I mean what is there to replace?