How to keep the other woman away from my child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s lying about it, and then there’s using your child as a tool of revenge. I don’t expect anyone to lie, but OP clearly wants her child to be as angry as she is towards her father and her father’s AP. That is not her child’s burden to carry. It is an adult problem, and the child should be able to have a relationship with both her father and, if it becomes serious, her stepmom without worrying about protecting her mother’s feelings.

Venting your anger and hurt to your child, and then saying “well it’s the cheater’s fault for making me do this” is seriously messed up. Adult relationship issues are for adults to deal with. You may see it that he blew up your family, but actually he only blew up his marriage. It seems like he is still trying to parent, and you need to support that.

I commented two or three times on this thread. And no, I’m neither a cheater nor an other woman. I’m actually a married lesbian who’s been with the same woman for 22 years, so… this is definitely not my problem. I think it gives me a little bit of perspective on how inappropriate OP is being.

Trying to get in the way of her child’s relationship with her father and possible stepmother is only going to backfire on OP. Plus, it’s just wrong.

I agree with you on everything, but the family bit, he did blow up his daughter's family, or what she knew as her family. That makes an impact, I'm the daughter in this situation. I still love my dad and we have a relationship, but my family as it was ended when he cheated and left to be with another woman. Oh and for the record, OP my mom never once tried to turn me against him, she was more accommodating than I think even I could be, but I'm very grateful that she held it together despite her pain, and justified anger.

PP you’re replying to. Thank you, I respect your point of view as someone who’s lived it. I said that too lightly and shouldn’t have.

The point remains though, that no matter how awful what he did was, he is still her child’s only father. Even if it feels like it’s killing her, she has got to hold it together and support their relationship. And in this case, that means accepting the new woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s lying about it, and then there’s using your child as a tool of revenge. I don’t expect anyone to lie, but OP clearly wants her child to be as angry as she is towards her father and her father’s AP. That is not her child’s burden to carry. It is an adult problem, and the child should be able to have a relationship with both her father and, if it becomes serious, her stepmom without worrying about protecting her mother’s feelings.

Venting your anger and hurt to your child, and then saying “well it’s the cheater’s fault for making me do this” is seriously messed up. Adult relationship issues are for adults to deal with. You may see it that he blew up your family, but actually he only blew up his marriage. It seems like he is still trying to parent, and you need to support that.

I commented two or three times on this thread. And no, I’m neither a cheater nor an other woman. I’m actually a married lesbian who’s been with the same woman for 22 years, so… this is definitely not my problem. I think it gives me a little bit of perspective on how inappropriate OP is being.

Trying to get in the way of her child’s relationship with her father and possible stepmother is only going to backfire on OP. Plus, it’s just wrong.

I agree with you on everything, but the family bit, he did blow up his daughter's family, or what she knew as her family. That makes an impact, I'm the daughter in this situation. I still love my dad and we have a relationship, but my family as it was ended when he cheated and left to be with another woman. Oh and for the record, OP my mom never once tried to turn me against him, she was more accommodating than I think even I could be, but I'm very grateful that she held it together despite her pain, and justified anger.

PP you’re replying to. Thank you, I respect your point of view as someone who’s lived it. I said that too lightly and shouldn’t have.

The point remains though, that no matter how awful what he did was, he is still her child’s only father. Even if it feels like it’s killing her, she has got to hold it together and support their relationship. And in this case, that means accepting the new woman.

Agreed and as someone whose mom held it together for her, OP I hope you can find it in you to do the same for your daughter, I mean it when I say I am so grateful my mom decided to go high, and have so much respect for her as an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lady, don't believe everything your husband tells you about his ex.

This is solid advice, sadly. Especially if he describes her as a nut job or BPD. These are terms thrown around on Dads Divorce and other MRA-supportive websites as a new jerk reaction to a woman who dared to seek a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s lying about it, and then there’s using your child as a tool of revenge. I don’t expect anyone to lie, but OP clearly wants her child to be as angry as she is towards her father and her father’s AP. That is not her child’s burden to carry. It is an adult problem, and the child should be able to have a relationship with both her father and, if it becomes serious, her stepmom without worrying about protecting her mother’s feelings.

Venting your anger and hurt to your child, and then saying “well it’s the cheater’s fault for making me do this” is seriously messed up. Adult relationship issues are for adults to deal with. You may see it that he blew up your family, but actually he only blew up his marriage. It seems like he is still trying to parent, and you need to support that.

I commented two or three times on this thread. And no, I’m neither a cheater nor an other woman. I’m actually a married lesbian who’s been with the same woman for 22 years, so… this is definitely not my problem. I think it gives me a little bit of perspective on how inappropriate OP is being.

Trying to get in the way of her child’s relationship with her father and possible stepmother is only going to backfire on OP. Plus, it’s just wrong.

I agree with you on everything, but the family bit, he did blow up his daughter's family, or what she knew as her family. That makes an impact, I'm the daughter in this situation. I still love my dad and we have a relationship, but my family as it was ended when he cheated and left to be with another woman. Oh and for the record, OP my mom never once tried to turn me against him, she was more accommodating than I think even I could be, but I'm very grateful that she held it together despite her pain, and justified anger.

PP you’re replying to. Thank you, I respect your point of view as someone who’s lived it. I said that too lightly and shouldn’t have.

The point remains though, that no matter how awful what he did was, he is still her child’s only father. Even if it feels like it’s killing her, she has got to hold it together and support their relationship. And in this case, that means accepting the new woman.

Agreed and as someone whose mom held it together for her, OP I hope you can find it in you to do the same for your daughter, I mean it when I say I am so grateful my mom decided to go high, and have so much respect for her as an adult.

When my parents divorced, I was a good daughter and remained loyal to my mom. My dad ditched her and so he didn't deserve my attention.

He crawled back to me years later, drunk and broke.

[Anonymous]

I was your daughter OP. I was 12.

My mom was a lot like you. Because of it, I hated my dad for years. I don't think my mom ever came out and said "dad cheated on me with S and that's why we are divorced" but she still made it know.

When I was in college, it occured to me that my mom was pissed at my dad and using me as revenge. And she got her revenge. But she also ruined my relationship with my dad for me. I hated her for it. I hated how selfish she was. I hated that she cared more about revenge than letting me have my dad. I hated that she couldn't put my happiness first. That destroyed my relationship with her for a while too.

I now have a relationship with both my parents (I'm mid 30s) but it took a lot of therapy. When I think back I'm still angry with my mom. I can't get those years back.

So my advice OP is to put your daughter first. Don't make her a pawn in your anger and want for revenge. Let her have a normal relationship with her dad. And please, get therapy.

[Anonymous]

Op, please read this. Please.

https://therumpus.net/2010/08/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-47-the-reckoning/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was your daughter OP. I was 12.

My mom was a lot like you. Because of it, I hated my dad for years. I don't think my mom ever came out and said "dad cheated on me with S and that's why we are divorced" but she still made it know.

When I was in college, it occured to me that my mom was pissed at my dad and using me as revenge. And she got her revenge. But she also ruined my relationship with my dad for me. I hated her for it. I hated how selfish she was. I hated that she cared more about revenge than letting me have my dad. I hated that she couldn't put my happiness first. That destroyed my relationship with her for a while too.

I now have a relationship with both my parents (I'm mid 30s) but it took a lot of therapy. When I think back I'm still angry with my mom. I can't get those years back.

So my advice OP is to put your daughter first. Don't make her a pawn in your anger and want for revenge. Let her have a normal relationship with her dad. And please, get therapy.

Why doesn't it make you angry your dad is scum and screwed over your family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s lying about it, and then there’s using your child as a tool of revenge. I don’t expect anyone to lie, but OP clearly wants her child to be as angry as she is towards her father and her father’s AP. That is not her child’s burden to carry. It is an adult problem, and the child should be able to have a relationship with both her father and, if it becomes serious, her stepmom without worrying about protecting her mother’s feelings.

Venting your anger and hurt to your child, and then saying “well it’s the cheater’s fault for making me do this” is seriously messed up. Adult relationship issues are for adults to deal with. You may see it that he blew up your family, but actually he only blew up his marriage. It seems like he is still trying to parent, and you need to support that.

I commented two or three times on this thread. And no, I’m neither a cheater nor an other woman. I’m actually a married lesbian who’s been with the same woman for 22 years, so… this is definitely not my problem. I think it gives me a little bit of perspective on how inappropriate OP is being.

Trying to get in the way of her child’s relationship with her father and possible stepmother is only going to backfire on OP. Plus, it’s just wrong.

I agree with you on everything, but the family bit, he did blow up his daughter's family, or what she knew as her family. That makes an impact, I'm the daughter in this situation. I still love my dad and we have a relationship, but my family as it was ended when he cheated and left to be with another woman. Oh and for the record, OP my mom never once tried to turn me against him, she was more accommodating than I think even I could be, but I'm very grateful that she held it together despite her pain, and justified anger.

PP you’re replying to. Thank you, I respect your point of view as someone who’s lived it. I said that too lightly and shouldn’t have.

The point remains though, that no matter how awful what he did was, he is still her child’s only father. Even if it feels like it’s killing her, she has got to hold it together and support their relationship. And in this case, that means accepting the new woman.

Agreed and as someone whose mom held it together for her, OP I hope you can find it in you to do the same for your daughter, I mean it when I say I am so grateful my mom decided to go high, and have so much respect for her as an adult.

When my parents divorced, I was a good daughter and remained loyal to my mom. My dad ditched her and so he didn't deserve my attention.

He crawled back to me years later, drunk and broke.

Says the ex wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was your daughter OP. I was 12.

My mom was a lot like you. Because of it, I hated my dad for years. I don't think my mom ever came out and said "dad cheated on me with S and that's why we are divorced" but she still made it know.

When I was in college, it occured to me that my mom was pissed at my dad and using me as revenge. And she got her revenge. But she also ruined my relationship with my dad for me. I hated her for it. I hated how selfish she was. I hated that she cared more about revenge than letting me have my dad. I hated that she couldn't put my happiness first. That destroyed my relationship with her for a while too.

I now have a relationship with both my parents (I'm mid 30s) but it took a lot of therapy. When I think back I'm still angry with my mom. I can't get those years back.

So my advice OP is to put your daughter first. Don't make her a pawn in your anger and want for revenge. Let her have a normal relationship with her dad. And please, get therapy.

Why doesn't it make you angry your dad is scum and screwed over your family?

Where did I say I didn't have anger then or now? Anger doesn't mean you stop loving someone, or cut them off or call them names. My dad was wrong, he knows that, we have had that conversation, but he's also my dad and I love him, and he loves me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, please read this. Please.

https://therumpus.net/2010/08/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-47-the-reckoning/

So what? Her dad was a d*ck, just like OP's husband.

I loved my cruel drunk dad, too. But really, what we needed in that relationship was POWER. If we had been able to walk away it would have been best. (We didn't have the money to do so.)

It is fantasy to think it would have been good for me to traipse over to his house every weekend and watch him get drunk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s lying about it, and then there’s using your child as a tool of revenge. I don’t expect anyone to lie, but OP clearly wants her child to be as angry as she is towards her father and her father’s AP. That is not her child’s burden to carry. It is an adult problem, and the child should be able to have a relationship with both her father and, if it becomes serious, her stepmom without worrying about protecting her mother’s feelings.

Venting your anger and hurt to your child, and then saying “well it’s the cheater’s fault for making me do this” is seriously messed up. Adult relationship issues are for adults to deal with. You may see it that he blew up your family, but actually he only blew up his marriage. It seems like he is still trying to parent, and you need to support that.

I commented two or three times on this thread. And no, I’m neither a cheater nor an other woman. I’m actually a married lesbian who’s been with the same woman for 22 years, so… this is definitely not my problem. I think it gives me a little bit of perspective on how inappropriate OP is being.

Trying to get in the way of her child’s relationship with her father and possible stepmother is only going to backfire on OP. Plus, it’s just wrong.

I agree with you on everything, but the family bit, he did blow up his daughter's family, or what she knew as her family. That makes an impact, I'm the daughter in this situation. I still love my dad and we have a relationship, but my family as it was ended when he cheated and left to be with another woman. Oh and for the record, OP my mom never once tried to turn me against him, she was more accommodating than I think even I could be, but I'm very grateful that she held it together despite her pain, and justified anger.

PP you’re replying to. Thank you, I respect your point of view as someone who’s lived it. I said that too lightly and shouldn’t have.

The point remains though, that no matter how awful what he did was, he is still her child’s only father. Even if it feels like it’s killing her, she has got to hold it together and support their relationship. And in this case, that means accepting the new woman.

Agreed and as someone whose mom held it together for her, OP I hope you can find it in you to do the same for your daughter, I mean it when I say I am so grateful my mom decided to go high, and have so much respect for her as an adult.

When my parents divorced, I was a good daughter and remained loyal to my mom. My dad ditched her and so he didn't deserve my attention.

He crawled back to me years later, drunk and broke.

Says the ex wife.

I'm the daughter, not the ex wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was your daughter OP. I was 12.

My mom was a lot like you. Because of it, I hated my dad for years. I don't think my mom ever came out and said "dad cheated on me with S and that's why we are divorced" but she still made it know.

When I was in college, it occured to me that my mom was pissed at my dad and using me as revenge. And she got her revenge. But she also ruined my relationship with my dad for me. I hated her for it. I hated how selfish she was. I hated that she cared more about revenge than letting me have my dad. I hated that she couldn't put my happiness first. That destroyed my relationship with her for a while too.

I now have a relationship with both my parents (I'm mid 30s) but it took a lot of therapy. When I think back I'm still angry with my mom. I can't get those years back.

So my advice OP is to put your daughter first. Don't make her a pawn in your anger and want for revenge. Let her have a normal relationship with her dad. And please, get therapy.

Why doesn't it make you angry your dad is scum and screwed over your family?

I was angry. Hence why I did a lot of therapy. But now it doesn't make me angry anymore. Yes, my dad was a jerk. But I still have found no justification for how my mom handled it with regards to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was your daughter OP. I was 12.

My mom was a lot like you. Because of it, I hated my dad for years. I don't think my mom ever came out and said "dad cheated on me with S and that's why we are divorced" but she still made it know.

When I was in college, it occured to me that my mom was pissed at my dad and using me as revenge. And she got her revenge. But she also ruined my relationship with my dad for me. I hated her for it. I hated how selfish she was. I hated that she cared more about revenge than letting me have my dad. I hated that she couldn't put my happiness first. That destroyed my relationship with her for a while too.

I now have a relationship with both my parents (I'm mid 30s) but it took a lot of therapy. When I think back I'm still angry with my mom. I can't get those years back.

So my advice OP is to put your daughter first. Don't make her a pawn in your anger and want for revenge. Let her have a normal relationship with her dad. And please, get therapy.

Why doesn't it make you angry your dad is scum and screwed over your family?

Where did I say I didn't have anger then or now? Anger doesn't mean you stop loving someone, or cut them off or call them names. My dad was wrong, he knows that, we have had that conversation, but he's also my dad and I love him, and he loves me.

But you expected your mother to be a saint. Your dad, you excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was your daughter OP. I was 12.

My mom was a lot like you. Because of it, I hated my dad for years. I don't think my mom ever came out and said "dad cheated on me with S and that's why we are divorced" but she still made it know.

When I was in college, it occured to me that my mom was pissed at my dad and using me as revenge. And she got her revenge. But she also ruined my relationship with my dad for me. I hated her for it. I hated how selfish she was. I hated that she cared more about revenge than letting me have my dad. I hated that she couldn't put my happiness first. That destroyed my relationship with her for a while too.

I now have a relationship with both my parents (I'm mid 30s) but it took a lot of therapy. When I think back I'm still angry with my mom. I can't get those years back.

So my advice OP is to put your daughter first. Don't make her a pawn in your anger and want for revenge. Let her have a normal relationship with her dad. And please, get therapy.

Why doesn't it make you angry your dad is scum and screwed over your family?

Where did I say I didn't have anger then or now? Anger doesn't mean you stop loving someone, or cut them off or call them names. My dad was wrong, he knows that, we have had that conversation, but he's also my dad and I love him, and he loves me.

Why are you posting like you are me? I am the former 12 year old and I did NOT post this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was your daughter OP. I was 12.

My mom was a lot like you. Because of it, I hated my dad for years. I don't think my mom ever came out and said "dad cheated on me with S and that's why we are divorced" but she still made it know.

When I was in college, it occured to me that my mom was pissed at my dad and using me as revenge. And she got her revenge. But she also ruined my relationship with my dad for me. I hated her for it. I hated how selfish she was. I hated that she cared more about revenge than letting me have my dad. I hated that she couldn't put my happiness first. That destroyed my relationship with her for a while too.

I now have a relationship with both my parents (I'm mid 30s) but it took a lot of therapy. When I think back I'm still angry with my mom. I can't get those years back.

So my advice OP is to put your daughter first. Don't make her a pawn in your anger and want for revenge. Let her have a normal relationship with her dad. And please, get therapy.

Why doesn't it make you angry your dad is scum and screwed over your family?

Where did I say I didn't have anger then or now? Anger doesn't mean you stop loving someone, or cut them off or call them names. My dad was wrong, he knows that, we have had that conversation, but he's also my dad and I love him, and he loves me.

Why are you posting like you are me? I am the former 12 year old and I did NOT post this.

I'm sorry pp. I didn't mean to respond for you. I'm another daughter and I thought she had quoted my post.