How to keep the other woman away from my child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex-husband had an affair that lasted several years. We recently divorced and I found out he is still with her. I suspect they are going to get married. My question is how do I prevent her from being around my child? Can I somehow go back to court to renegotiate our child custody agreement? My child is 13 Is there any way they can go before a judge and say they don't want to be around her?
Please help!

You can’t, although at 14 judges typically give kids more say.

[Anonymous]

Unless something was built into your divorce agreement there is nothing you can do.

[Anonymous]

You can't unless you have evidence that she's unfit to be around your cild abuse etc. Her being the other woman is not enough.

Your child at 13, may have a say in this, but that depends on the laws of where you live.

As painful as it is you have to accept she will be around your child.

You help your child by not making things more stressful for him/her/ This includes not instigating fights.

Your child will appreciate you so much as an adult for not using them as a reason to get back at dad.

Therapy for yourself and your child.

[Anonymous]

Not worth the expense, mental energy, etc etc. My husbands affair partner actually became a pretty good 'step parent' (I use quotes bc they never married) for the 4 years she was around. Once I got distance from the situation I was able to see she was fine for my kids to be around. I also noticed my oldest being afraid to admit she liked her and that really stopped me in my tracks. Thinking about that emotional burden crushed me. So I just literally turned my fake smile on for a few years and eventually I was honestly smiling bc I didnt hate her anymore. You hate the situation OP, she herself might be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t control him anymore. You’re divorced. Move on.

I don't want to control him, but I should have a say-so who is around my child.

You don't. The father has the say so of who is around his daughter when the father is with his daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Find a therapist to talk to so you can get peace about it. You cannot control whether or not the other woman is in your life or in your child’s life, because your child is still also your ex’s child.

I’m sure this is very painful and I’m sorry, but you have to learn to live with it. The more you are at peace with it, the better it will be for your child.

I hear you, but how do I make peace with someone who blew up our whole world for another woman?

You need to go to professional counseling fo therapy and work on making peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^ ok, missed the child is 13. Did the child say anything about the partner being abusive or treating the child badly? If not, it’s best for the child and you op to move on and accept That this person will be in your ex husband’s and your child’s lives - at least while she and the ex are together.

She has never met my child. Ex-DH told me that she was moving in when he dropped off our child last week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^ ok, missed the child is 13. Did the child say anything about the partner being abusive or treating the child badly? If not, it’s best for the child and you op to move on and accept That this person will be in your ex husband’s and your child’s lives - at least while she and the ex are together.

She has never met my child. Ex-DH told me that she was moving in when he dropped off our child last week.

Well time to calmly start preparing your daughter and yourself. Take the high road even when it’s difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, why would you want to keep the other woman away from the child?

I understand the hurt feelings because she was the affair partner, but unless she is abusive to your child or has other behavioral or psychological issues that put your child’s wellbeing at risk, there is no reason for you to prevent your child from being around her.

How old is your child? Is there conflict? Did the child express any reasons not to want to be around her?

As much as it hurts you, it’s probably now best for child to normalize back relationships including with the dad and his partner.

My child is 13. She's not abusive from what I hear she's a lovely person even though she's a homewrecker. She doesn't have children and I am worried about her trying to mother my child. My child already has a mother.

If they forget married, then she will be a step-mother to your daughter. She won't replace you, but she will need to mother your daughter while she is with her. Remember, she won't replace you; she will be a parent figure, though-- one more person to love your daughter.

I think therapy is good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Find a therapist to talk to so you can get peace about it. You cannot control whether or not the other woman is in your life or in your child’s life, because your child is still also your ex’s child.

I’m sure this is very painful and I’m sorry, but you have to learn to live with it. The more you are at peace with it, the better it will be for your child.

I hear you, but how do I make peace with someone who blew up our whole world for another woman?

Your problem is with him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, why would you want to keep the other woman away from the child?

I understand the hurt feelings because she was the affair partner, but unless she is abusive to your child or has other behavioral or psychological issues that put your child’s wellbeing at risk, there is no reason for you to prevent your child from being around her.

How old is your child? Is there conflict? Did the child express any reasons not to want to be around her?

As much as it hurts you, it’s probably now best for child to normalize back relationships including with the dad and his partner.

My child is 13. She's not abusive from what I hear she's a lovely person even though she's a homewrecker. She doesn't have children and I am worried about her trying to mother my child. My child already has a mother.

If they forget married, then she will be a step-mother to your daughter. She won't replace you, but she will need to mother your daughter while she is with her. Remember, she won't replace you; she will be a parent figure, though-- one more person to love your daughter.

I think therapy is good advice.

*get (not forget)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, why would you want to keep the other woman away from the child?

I understand the hurt feelings because she was the affair partner, but unless she is abusive to your child or has other behavioral or psychological issues that put your child’s wellbeing at risk, there is no reason for you to prevent your child from being around her.

How old is your child? Is there conflict? Did the child express any reasons not to want to be around her?

As much as it hurts you, it’s probably now best for child to normalize back relationships including with the dad and his partner.

My child is 13. She's not abusive from what I hear she's a lovely person even though she's a homewrecker. She doesn't have children and I am worried about her trying to mother my child. My child already has a mother.

The worst thing that could happen is that she loves your child?

Please, therapy. Your child will always know who her mother is, and other people loving him or her won’t take away from that. I promise. Please believe me. You want the other woman to love your child because it would be a good thing for your child. Please try to see past your own hurt. I swear you will not be replaced. Nobody can replace a mother. But the stepmother can be a wonderful thing if everybody involves wants the best for your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t control him anymore. You’re divorced. Move on.

I don't want to control him, but I should have a say-so who is around my child.

No. That only happens in marriage. You are divorced. It is not I’m your control. If you wanted that control, you needed to figure out a way to stay married.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend that they had written in the custody agreement about not having opposite sex sleepover in the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^ ok, missed the child is 13. Did the child say anything about the partner being abusive or treating the child badly? If not, it’s best for the child and you op to move on and accept That this person will be in your ex husband’s and your child’s lives - at least while she and the ex are together.

She has never met my child. Ex-DH told me that she was moving in when he dropped off our child last week.

I feel like this is a good thing. The fact that she hasn’t met your child yet means that they’re being sensitive to not rushing into anything. Hopefully this sensitivity will continue.