How to keep the other woman away from my child?

[Anonymous]

^^^

Ugh another silly bitter ex-wife. As the new wife I would steer clear of her even without a 'restraining order." Taking crazy to many levels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother cheated and married the other woman. My former SIL has cut off all relationships with anyone who agrees to meet with, speak to etc my brother’s wife. I really miss my former SIL but my brother’s wife comes to Tgiving, Xmas etc. and I can’t just not see her. I can’t begin to fathom the pain my brother caused her but she goes out of her way to prevent him and his wife from spending any extra time with their child. She hires babysitters for work trips, puts him in aftercare etc even when my brother would like to have the child with him. She has taken out a restraining order against my brother’s wife preventing her from going on the property - so child handoffs are on the street if my brother can’t do them. I’m angry at my brother and SIl’s behavior and how they went about things, but I keep thinking how much nicer it would be for the child (who now has younger siblings) to have MORE people showing him love and support, not fewer. People aren’t all good or all bad - my SIl made a moral decision I wouldn’t make or emulate, but she loves her stepchild deeply. Also, Op, it’s another family member but no one can (or should) replace mom.

You have no real idea what went on in your brother’s marriage. Your former SIL may be drawing firm boundaries because your brother is unreliable or abusive in his relationship with her and the kids.

And, news flash - a woman who cheats with a married man does not love his children nor does she have the key ingredient to being a good stepmom - being able to put the kids’ needs above her own. Real adult love doesn’t do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother cheated and married the other woman. My former SIL has cut off all relationships with anyone who agrees to meet with, speak to etc my brother’s wife. I really miss my former SIL but my brother’s wife comes to Tgiving, Xmas etc. and I can’t just not see her. I can’t begin to fathom the pain my brother caused her but she goes out of her way to prevent him and his wife from spending any extra time with their child. She hires babysitters for work trips, puts him in aftercare etc even when my brother would like to have the child with him. She has taken out a restraining order against my brother’s wife preventing her from going on the property - so child handoffs are on the street if my brother can’t do them. I’m angry at my brother and SIl’s behavior and how they went about things, but I keep thinking how much nicer it would be for the child (who now has younger siblings) to have MORE people showing him love and support, not fewer. People aren’t all good or all bad - my SIl made a moral decision I wouldn’t make or emulate, but she loves her stepchild deeply. Also, Op, it’s another family member but no one can (or should) replace mom.

You have no real idea what went on in your brother’s marriage. Your former SIL may be drawing firm boundaries because your brother is unreliable or abusive in his relationship with her and the kids.

And, news flash - a woman who cheats with a married man does not love his children nor does she have the key ingredient to being a good stepmom - being able to put the kids’ needs above her own. Real adult love doesn’t do that.

I understand that you're hurt, but you have nothing besides your own assertion to back this up. There's no reason to think that the stepmom doesn't actually love his kids or wouldn't be a good stepmother. What happened with the marriage is a separate question -- and the heroes of this thread are the women who haven't let their own agony cause pain for their children. And interfering with the stepmother relationship does just that.

It's not about you. I'm so sorry for what happened to you, but it is not about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^ ok, missed the child is 13. Did the child say anything about the partner being abusive or treating the child badly? If not, it’s best for the child and you op to move on and accept That this person will be in your ex husband’s and your child’s lives - at least while she and the ex are together.

She has never met my child. Ex-DH told me that she was moving in when he dropped off our child last week.

Ok. That’s HUGE. He’s moving a woman into his house who the child has never met before.

Now on visitation there will be some strange woman there. That is mentally damaging to the child.

He is an awful, selfish parent to not have prepared the child or you.

I agree, this woman is being sprung on my child. I have told my child that their father had girlfriends during the marriage but they have never been forced to be around this woman. It's a truly heartbreaking situation.

It is heartbreaking for you, yes. You have to go to therapy and move on. Also talking about girlfriends her dad had while you were married isn’t setting your daughter up for successful relationships later on. Please go to a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t control him anymore. You’re divorced. Move on.

I don't want to control him, but I should have a say-so who is around my child.

Your child is at a age they can decide. By the time that happens if it does the child will probably not even want to visit.

Dad can meet the child without the homewrecker involved. One of my in-laws doesn't bring his long time g/f around the kids. He goes over there for Xmas alone etc. The grandkids aren't allowed around HER. He cheated during a 30 years marriage and these are the consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother cheated and married the other woman. My former SIL has cut off all relationships with anyone who agrees to meet with, speak to etc my brother’s wife. I really miss my former SIL but my brother’s wife comes to Tgiving, Xmas etc. and I can’t just not see her. I can’t begin to fathom the pain my brother caused her but she goes out of her way to prevent him and his wife from spending any extra time with their child. She hires babysitters for work trips, puts him in aftercare etc even when my brother would like to have the child with him. She has taken out a restraining order against my brother’s wife preventing her from going on the property - so child handoffs are on the street if my brother can’t do them. I’m angry at my brother and SIl’s behavior and how they went about things, but I keep thinking how much nicer it would be for the child (who now has younger siblings) to have MORE people showing him love and support, not fewer. People aren’t all good or all bad - my SIl made a moral decision I wouldn’t make or emulate, but she loves her stepchild deeply. Also, Op, it’s another family member but no one can (or should) replace mom.

-

You only have your brother to blame. A woman that co-cheats isn't one I'd want around my kids. So the home wrecker was trying to go on your ex sil's property?? Ok well yes of course she had to take out a order, probably after asking many times to STOP.
Not all kids wants steps or half siblings, nor consider them siblings especially in these situations! lol No she's not another family member. Simply the woman who broke up a family, and exes wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother cheated and married the other woman. My former SIL has cut off all relationships with anyone who agrees to meet with, speak to etc my brother’s wife. I really miss my former SIL but my brother’s wife comes to Tgiving, Xmas etc. and I can’t just not see her. I can’t begin to fathom the pain my brother caused her but she goes out of her way to prevent him and his wife from spending any extra time with their child. She hires babysitters for work trips, puts him in aftercare etc even when my brother would like to have the child with him. She has taken out a restraining order against my brother’s wife preventing her from going on the property - so child handoffs are on the street if my brother can’t do them. I’m angry at my brother and SIl’s behavior and how they went about things, but I keep thinking how much nicer it would be for the child (who now has younger siblings) to have MORE people showing him love and support, not fewer. People aren’t all good or all bad - my SIl made a moral decision I wouldn’t make or emulate, but she loves her stepchild deeply. Also, Op, it’s another family member but no one can (or should) replace mom.

You have no real idea what went on in your brother’s marriage. Your former SIL may be drawing firm boundaries because your brother is unreliable or abusive in his relationship with her and the kids.

And, news flash - a woman who cheats with a married man does not love his children nor does she have the key ingredient to being a good stepmom - being able to put the kids’ needs above her own. Real adult love doesn’t do that.

I understand that you're hurt, but you have nothing besides your own assertion to back this up. There's no reason to think that the stepmom doesn't actually love his kids or wouldn't be a good stepmother. What happened with the marriage is a separate question -- and the heroes of this thread are the women who haven't let their own agony cause pain for their children. And interfering with the stepmother relationship does just that.

It's not about you. I'm so sorry for what happened to you, but it is not about you.

I bet McCain’s second wife was a great stepmom to his kids and they even took up positions in her company.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Find a therapist to talk to so you can get peace about it. You cannot control whether or not the other woman is in your life or in your child’s life, because your child is still also your ex’s child.

I’m sure this is very painful and I’m sorry, but you have to learn to live with it. The more you are at peace with it, the better it will be for your child.

I hear you, but how do I make peace with someone who blew up our whole world for another woman?

Let karma take care of that. Chances are they will implode, and you need to make sure your hands are clean of it. Let your daughter figure it out on her own. Time is the great equalizer.

I'm pretty sure she's infertile so karma has already started

probably from std infections

lol I agree it usually comes back around. My sil was left after 30 years out of nowhere. The OW ended up dying and her ex did a few years after. Depression and drinking. He tried to get back with sil but she never talked to him after the divorce.

OP just keep her happily active, plus she knows what her dad is. Don't speak to the OW, she's nothing to your child. Instead talk to your ex explaining how your child wants visits but only with him - not the OW. Keep them both out of your life, and move on. Best for you and your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, hugs to you. This is a really horrid situation and like others have said, there is NOTHING you can do about it unless she poses a physical threat to your child or is bringing drugs or abusing alcohol around your child. Otherwise judges Do. Not. Care.

Your child absolutely needs to feel free to have a relationship with their dad without any guilt or pressure from you. Don't make that difficult. Make it clear to your child that it makes you happy to know that she has fun when she is with her dad. Don't pepper her with questions about what happens at her dads house but when she does share stuff she enjoyed, show enthusiasm and tell her how cool it is that she has that kind of dad that does stuff like that with her.

As for the OW.... the tricky part here is going to be handling the elephant in the room. Does your child know this woman's role in your divorce? At 13, your child probably knows more than you think, and kids always, always find out about affairs. Always.

Be very careful about answering questions about the OW. The most current and modern research from child psychologists suggests that participating in the cover up of an infidelity in a situation like this can be lead to a second trauma for the child (the first being the divorce) when the eventually learn the truth and wonder why adults they thought they could trust lied to them. At the same time, we all know that 13 is a tough age and not all kids at that age are capable of understanding that parents are fallable, good people can make bad decisions, and that it is ok to love someone even if they did something very hurtful to someone else that you love. Because that's all some complicated and heavy shit that most adults struggle with.

In my case, the kids remembered the OW from before their dad and I were divorced. She was his secretary (how original, I know) and we had socialized with her family and children on several occasions.

We have never discussed her directly, but my child knows that their father had multiple girlfriends throughout the marriage. I don't think my child knows that his current whore is the one that ruined our marriage. They started "dating" when my child was an infant.

So why did you stay? you knew your husband was unfailthful since her infancy, why did you continue to have this drama as a daily part of her existence for 13 years, instead of cutting your losses early? You could have had 11-12 years to adjust and a new and healthy relationship for yourself.

Seem preferablly to hanging onto dead wait, and trying to sabotoge your child's relationship with her father because of your hurt feelings.

It was a complicated situation I wanted to keep my family together. Him being with several women didn't sting as much as him having a long relationship with one woman. That's not why I posted today. this isn't about me and I don't want to ruin my child's relationship with their father. My intention in keeping them away from the other woman is to protect them. I don't want them to be confused and feel that they have to choose between us. I am pretty sure the other woman can't have children so she will probably try to steal mine.

Thirteen is old enough to explain why you were divorced. You can't hide it from them, kids will hear it from other relatives. My niece told me how her mom stalked her old bf just before her child support ran out. Married with 3 kids, but she got him to dump them and he married my ex sil who is a witch. That poor guy doesn't have a good relationship with his grown kids today and they moved far away from him. All the relatives on both sides talked about it and still do.

Best to be honest and the kids will decide. My suggestion would be to have a meeting with your ex and daughter to talk about the visits. Let your child voice her opinion, but be prepared he obviously put outsiders over his own blood. So right there you know where your daughter stands. So does she.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Find a therapist to talk to so you can get peace about it. You cannot control whether or not the other woman is in your life or in your child’s life, because your child is still also your ex’s child.

I’m sure this is very painful and I’m sorry, but you have to learn to live with it. The more you are at peace with it, the better it will be for your child.

I hear you, but how do I make peace with someone who blew up our whole world for another woman?

Let karma take care of that. Chances are they will implode, and you need to make sure your hands are clean of it. Let your daughter figure it out on her own. Time is the great equalizer.

I'm pretty sure she's infertile so karma has already started

probably from std infections

lol I agree it usually comes back around. My sil was left after 30 years out of nowhere. The OW ended up dying and her ex did a few years after. Depression and drinking. He tried to get back with sil but she never talked to him after the divorce.

OP just keep her happily active, plus she knows what her dad is. Don't speak to the OW, she's nothing to your child. Instead talk to your ex explaining how your child wants visits but only with him - not the OW. Keep them both out of your life, and move on. Best for you and your child.

Her dad is her dad. Please don’t try and ruin his relationship with your daughter. My dad left my mom for another woman when I was 10. She fought tooth and nail to keep me away from my stepmom. It created so many problems, so much conflict that I just couldn’t deal with it. She was successful in keeping me away until I was 13, when they had my stepbrother and I wanted to have a relationship with him. When I went to my dads it was so peaceful, there was no pressure to trash my mom, no one was asking about what she did or said. When I would go back to my moms she’s be so angry at my dad, at me, at my stepmom, and my stepbrother.

20 years later I live across the country from both of them, but when I go home it’s to my dads. He might have left my mom, but he didn’t try and ruin people’s lives out of spite. I do visit my mom and she’s still resentful and angry. It’s so sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother cheated and married the other woman. My former SIL has cut off all relationships with anyone who agrees to meet with, speak to etc my brother’s wife. I really miss my former SIL but my brother’s wife comes to Tgiving, Xmas etc. and I can’t just not see her. I can’t begin to fathom the pain my brother caused her but she goes out of her way to prevent him and his wife from spending any extra time with their child. She hires babysitters for work trips, puts him in aftercare etc even when my brother would like to have the child with him. She has taken out a restraining order against my brother’s wife preventing her from going on the property - so child handoffs are on the street if my brother can’t do them. I’m angry at my brother and SIl’s behavior and how they went about things, but I keep thinking how much nicer it would be for the child (who now has younger siblings) to have MORE people showing him love and support, not fewer. People aren’t all good or all bad - my SIl made a moral decision I wouldn’t make or emulate, but she loves her stepchild deeply. Also, Op, it’s another family member but no one can (or should) replace mom.

You have no real idea what went on in your brother’s marriage. Your former SIL may be drawing firm boundaries because your brother is unreliable or abusive in his relationship with her and the kids.

And, news flash - a woman who cheats with a married man does not love his children nor does she have the key ingredient to being a good stepmom - being able to put the kids’ needs above her own. Real adult love doesn’t do that.

I understand that you're hurt, but you have nothing besides your own assertion to back this up. There's no reason to think that the stepmom doesn't actually love his kids or wouldn't be a good stepmother. What happened with the marriage is a separate question -- and the heroes of this thread are the women who haven't let their own agony cause pain for their children. And interfering with the stepmother relationship does just that.

It's not about you. I'm so sorry for what happened to you, but it is not about you.

I bet McCain’s second wife was a great stepmom to his kids and they even took up positions in her company.

They didn’t speak/had strained relationship for several years after McCain left their mother for Cindy. No every child is okay with seeing their mother being treated poorly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Find a therapist to talk to so you can get peace about it. You cannot control whether or not the other woman is in your life or in your child’s life, because your child is still also your ex’s child.

I’m sure this is very painful and I’m sorry, but you have to learn to live with it. The more you are at peace with it, the better it will be for your child.

I hear you, but how do I make peace with someone who blew up our whole world for another woman?

Let karma take care of that. Chances are they will implode, and you need to make sure your hands are clean of it. Let your daughter figure it out on her own. Time is the great equalizer.

I'm pretty sure she's infertile so karma has already started

probably from std infections

lol I agree it usually comes back around. My sil was left after 30 years out of nowhere. The OW ended up dying and her ex did a few years after. Depression and drinking. He tried to get back with sil but she never talked to him after the divorce.

OP just keep her happily active, plus she knows what her dad is. Don't speak to the OW, she's nothing to your child. Instead talk to your ex explaining how your child wants visits but only with him - not the OW. Keep them both out of your life, and move on. Best for you and your child.

Her dad is her dad. Please don’t try and ruin his relationship with your daughter. My dad left my mom for another woman when I was 10. She fought tooth and nail to keep me away from my stepmom. It created so many problems, so much conflict that I just couldn’t deal with it. She was successful in keeping me away until I was 13, when they had my stepbrother and I wanted to have a relationship with him. When I went to my dads it was so peaceful, there was no pressure to trash my mom, no one was asking about what she did or said. When I would go back to my moms she’s be so angry at my dad, at me, at my stepmom, and my stepbrother.

20 years later I live across the country from both of them, but when I go home it’s to my dads. He might have left my mom, but he didn’t try and ruin people’s lives out of spite. I do visit my mom and she’s still resentful and angry. It’s so sad.

Yes your dad did try to ruin lives. He cheated on his family and left them. You can't even understand what that did to your mom and put all the blame on her. Your mom should get help to cope better, but really your dad is the only one to blame.

You should appreciate your mom for trying to give you a stable home which your dad tore apart. Sadly you're blaming the wrong person which feels like insult to injury to your mother. He was able to brainwash you sadly, and shouldn't have had more kids since he wasn't a good role model or father to begin with.

[Anonymous]

OP, your husband started the affair with this woman when your daughter was an infant and she's just meeting her now for the first time at age 13??

Why did it take 13 years for him to introduce them? I understand that he was having an affair for at least part of that time while you were still married, but how long have you two been separated?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Find a therapist to talk to so you can get peace about it. You cannot control whether or not the other woman is in your life or in your child’s life, because your child is still also your ex’s child.

I’m sure this is very painful and I’m sorry, but you have to learn to live with it. The more you are at peace with it, the better it will be for your child.

I hear you, but how do I make peace with someone who blew up our whole world for another woman?

Let karma take care of that. Chances are they will implode, and you need to make sure your hands are clean of it. Let your daughter figure it out on her own. Time is the great equalizer.

I'm pretty sure she's infertile so karma has already started

probably from std infections

lol I agree it usually comes back around. My sil was left after 30 years out of nowhere. The OW ended up dying and her ex did a few years after. Depression and drinking. He tried to get back with sil but she never talked to him after the divorce.

OP just keep her happily active, plus she knows what her dad is. Don't speak to the OW, she's nothing to your child. Instead talk to your ex explaining how your child wants visits but only with him - not the OW. Keep them both out of your life, and move on. Best for you and your child.

Her dad is her dad. Please don’t try and ruin his relationship with your daughter. My dad left my mom for another woman when I was 10. She fought tooth and nail to keep me away from my stepmom. It created so many problems, so much conflict that I just couldn’t deal with it. She was successful in keeping me away until I was 13, when they had my stepbrother and I wanted to have a relationship with him. When I went to my dads it was so peaceful, there was no pressure to trash my mom, no one was asking about what she did or said. When I would go back to my moms she’s be so angry at my dad, at me, at my stepmom, and my stepbrother.

20 years later I live across the country from both of them, but when I go home it’s to my dads. He might have left my mom, but he didn’t try and ruin people’s lives out of spite. I do visit my mom and she’s still resentful and angry. It’s so sad.

Yes your dad did try to ruin lives. He cheated on his family and left them. You can't even understand what that did to your mom and put all the blame on her. Your mom should get help to cope better, but really your dad is the only one to blame.

You should appreciate your mom for trying to give you a stable home which your dad tore apart. Sadly you're blaming the wrong person which feels like insult to injury to your mother. He was able to brainwash you sadly, and shouldn't have had more kids since he wasn't a good role model or father to begin with.

Damn, this is some advanced level gaslighting.

No, she shouldn’t appreciate that her mom let her own anger and resentment interfere with her relationship with her dad. In this case, dad was the one who provided a safe and peaceful home. No matter how angry and hurt you are at your ex-husband, it’s not an excuse to wound your child. “Breaking up the home” — that’s on him. But everything, absolutely everything that follows is on both of you. Being cheated on isn’t an excuse.

And telling a child who is frankly relating her own experiences that she’s been “brainwashed” (lol) is exactly the kind of self-serving bullshit that I guess permits you to act like her mother did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Find a therapist to talk to so you can get peace about it. You cannot control whether or not the other woman is in your life or in your child’s life, because your child is still also your ex’s child.

I’m sure this is very painful and I’m sorry, but you have to learn to live with it. The more you are at peace with it, the better it will be for your child.

I hear you, but how do I make peace with someone who blew up our whole world for another woman?

Let karma take care of that. Chances are they will implode, and you need to make sure your hands are clean of it. Let your daughter figure it out on her own. Time is the great equalizer.

I'm pretty sure she's infertile so karma has already started

probably from std infections

lol I agree it usually comes back around. My sil was left after 30 years out of nowhere. The OW ended up dying and her ex did a few years after. Depression and drinking. He tried to get back with sil but she never talked to him after the divorce.

OP just keep her happily active, plus she knows what her dad is. Don't speak to the OW, she's nothing to your child. Instead talk to your ex explaining how your child wants visits but only with him - not the OW. Keep them both out of your life, and move on. Best for you and your child.

Her dad is her dad. Please don’t try and ruin his relationship with your daughter. My dad left my mom for another woman when I was 10. She fought tooth and nail to keep me away from my stepmom. It created so many problems, so much conflict that I just couldn’t deal with it. She was successful in keeping me away until I was 13, when they had my stepbrother and I wanted to have a relationship with him. When I went to my dads it was so peaceful, there was no pressure to trash my mom, no one was asking about what she did or said. When I would go back to my moms she’s be so angry at my dad, at me, at my stepmom, and my stepbrother.

20 years later I live across the country from both of them, but when I go home it’s to my dads. He might have left my mom, but he didn’t try and ruin people’s lives out of spite. I do visit my mom and she’s still resentful and angry. It’s so sad.

Yes your dad did try to ruin lives. He cheated on his family and left them. You can't even understand what that did to your mom and put all the blame on her. Your mom should get help to cope better, but really your dad is the only one to blame.

You should appreciate your mom for trying to give you a stable home which your dad tore apart. Sadly you're blaming the wrong person which feels like insult to injury to your mother. He was able to brainwash you sadly, and shouldn't have had more kids since he wasn't a good role model or father to begin with.

I’m the poster you’re responding to. How can you not see that what you’re saying here is exactly the kind of thing that drove me away from my mother? I’m not blaming anyone, they were adults and their relationship was their business. My relationship with each of them is separate and distinct from their relationship with each other. My mom didn’t see that and made my relationship with her about her and her hate for my dad. My dad made his relationship with me about me and him. That is why my relationship with her is strained. It’s been 20 years since they divorced and every conversation with her still comes around to my dad and the divorce. She’s spent 20 years stewing in toxicity instead of living. Not buying into that isn’t brainwashing, it’s self preservation.