I told DW it’s time for her to return to work FT

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we had kids, DW became a SAHM and our discussion was always that she’d return to the workforce at some point. It’s now 15 years later, kids are in high school, and she is working part-time. I just did our taxes and she only earned $18k last year - I am a GS-15 so by no means a rainmaker. We are behind on savings, college 529, etc and I’m tired of having to agonize over every financial decision because our finances are so precarious. DW has a Masters and could be making $60-70K full time but doesn’t want to - she has many stay at home friends who are married to rainmakers, but that’s not me. I told her tonight that I’m at my wits end and she needs to step up. She doesn’t want to work full time - neither do I but I suck it up for the family. I’m very frustrated and can’t get DW to pick up the slack. I am very involved at home and with the kids so she has supper there. How can I make her understand that we can’t always get what we want?!?

I doubt she will make 60k after being home 15 years.

CATCH UP. She a speech therapist and works part time. Should be fairly easy to scale up.
FWIW, I'd love to go back to PT work even though my kids are in HS & MS. But I'm working FT and my husband is working FT so we can afford to send them to school and eventually retire. We work slightly offset hours so DH is home in the morning, I'm home in the afternoon. But we chose schools from which they can walk to and from if they miss the bus or have an after school activity. They know how to get to the metro and use it. They could figure out the bus if they needed to.
OP is right, she needs to step up. She needs some handholding, maybe, and a change of attitude maybe, and a supportive DH, maybe, but her SAH role is pretty much over with two kids in HS. HS kids can make dinner, do their own laundry, clean the house, take care of the pets, wash the bathroom, put their shit away, do their homework. No, they won't pay bills and make doctors appointments, but TBH that doesn't take much time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be pretty shocked if someone out of the workforce for 15 years could find a job paying anything close to 60-70k.

Op here, some judgmental people but of course it’s DCUM. To some of the posters, DW is a speech therapist working part-time. I know that she can transition to full time and make $50k - her skills are current and demand is high. And yes, I do help at home with cooking, laundry, cleaning etc, and we also have a cleaning person every 3 weeks. I never said I wanted a divorce either, I just need he to make more. We don’t spend frivolously but there are still lots of expenses, especially with college looming. I’ve done what I can to earn more and took a stressful GS-15 job as a result, but I’m 15 years in towards a pension so not going to leave for a private sector job.

Can she take on additional clients to make more money without going full time? I agree that salary is a bit low for a speech therapist. That’s less than I make as a part time special ed para. She can also look in to schools which give ample time in summer as well as the same breaks as your children.

Agree about looking into jobs with the school system - I stayed home until our youngest went to kindergarten, then took a part time job with MCPS. I’ve increased my hours over the last few years and now that I’m a permanent employee I also have our family’s vision and dental insurance. It’s really nice to be on the same schedule as the kids and not have to worry who is covering this snow day or that early release day. I hope to go full time in the next few years but that’s slowed a bit by sorting out some issues with our youngest, who has special needs.

[Anonymous]

WOHM now, SAH early years but did small things to keep current. I’m team OP as I see/ hear this quite a bit in my surroundings. The issue for me is when a spouse tells you they need something from you ( repeatedly) and you ignore.

He recognizes they are not where they need to be financially and tries to get her to understand. She ignores or thinks she can deal when kids out of house. If she was depressed and needed help, I hope he wouldn’t say wait til kids grown. He’s asking for help.

I have no idea but I’m guessing you’ve had these talks repeatedly over the years and I imagine they came from understanding, maybe excitement- like we can even take a trip, maybe reality - like yikes college getting closer, and now like reality - 10 more years til retirement! I’m sure today you are just frustrated.

At neighborhood gatherings over the years I have had other DH share similar and also DWs tell me X is really pushing them to work — almost always because college looming. Never for just “ I don’t want to support you.”

Look none of it is easy. I still do a lot more than DH as I have the big picture- school events, doctors, extracurriculars, friends, family, Cleaning but that’s life. I tell/ask what I need from him and he does it. Does it occur to him when he gets his teeth cleaned that 3 dc need it - no. But I do do I make appointments and if I can’t go because of work he will.

Marriage, family, work, financial responsibility, child care, personal care, personal growth are all parts of life. One cannot over take everything else indefinitely.

[Anonymous]

I don’t work because I want to, I work bc we can’t sustain our lifestyle and reach savings goals without my income. I didn’t need my husband to tell me this, I came to the conclusion on my own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be pretty shocked if someone out of the workforce for 15 years could find a job paying anything close to 60-70k.

Op here, some judgmental people but of course it’s DCUM. To some of the posters, DW is a speech therapist working part-time. I know that she can transition to full time and make $50k - her skills are current and demand is high. And yes, I do help at home with cooking, laundry, cleaning etc, and we also have a cleaning person every 3 weeks. I never said I wanted a divorce either, I just need he to make more. We don’t spend frivolously but there are still lots of expenses, especially with college looming. I’ve done what I can to earn more and took a stressful GS-15 job as a result, but I’m 15 years in towards a pension so not going to leave for a private sector job.

OP, you are absolutely within your rights to want this and anyone who says otherwise is 100% wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take a hard look at your expenses. Move to a cheaper condo or apt if wife does not want to work. I suspect if you pare down your expenses you can probably get buy with wife working part time

Why should he support a grown adult? Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can not count how many friends I had to pull out of the depression hole that people like you put in.
I am generally very tolerant and patient but seeing all the suffering people like you bring on families over few bucks... I also saw the next chapters.. in few years you will end up alone and guess what, her life will just begin. No looking back, no taking back.

Right because the dating market is positively throbbing for low-earning, middle-age divorcees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So she was rising two kids for 15 years and now as a reward she can go to work , had she ever time to heal from being married to such a selfish person...??
You must be a narcissistic emotionless empathy lacking statue. I am sure se cant wait for the kids to get out to college to dump your ass.
She should not go to work because if she divorces you know you will ha e to pay her spousal support amd that seenpms only fair considering you sitting all day long behind the desk while she was raising the family as you watched tv?
You sound like typical divorced to be ahole. I am tired of knowing so many people like you, they are everywhere, Forget the virus, this is real epidemic. Assholery.

What? He was raising the kids too, and underwriting everyone's three solid meals a day. Millions of employed women manage to raise their family without mooching.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ultimatum? You value money over all else. You don’t care if she’s in your life or not. She was just your unpaid tool. You’d be equally happy with a life insurance payout for her.

Actually, if he got rid of her, she'd have one less person to take care of.. that would make things easier for her.

You're delusional if you think single men can't do their own laundry or cook their own meals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He had the light end of the load.. now she had to work MORE,,!!

Not true. OP worked, helped around the house, and helped raise his kids while OPs wife sat around all day while her kids were in school.

Dp. Are you the wife or op? How do you know he is telling the truth? Do you believe everything the op writes? We only have his side. Nowhere did he say his wife was lazy while raising the kids and working part time. Maybe you are thinking of yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if the kids are sick, can you take off and stay home with them. Can you do all (and schedule) after school activities, doctors appointments, last minute things as if she starts working she will have no leave and depending on the job, no flexibility. Are you willing to grocery shop, cook, make lunches, help with homework, drive for activities every day? Again, she'll have no flexibility for a while?

Dude he's a GS 15. That's an ultimate in flexibility and low-stress job. I am so amused with these ridiculously inflated accounts of the overworked SAHM over LAST MINUTE SCHOOL SUPPLIES, I believe that's what one poster mentioned. WTF. This is a one-click job. Help with homework? To HIGH SCHOOLERS? Why do kids need to be driven to activities every day? Why don't they eat lunch at the school cafe? Did you remember to include help with tying their shoes? Maybe wiping their butt too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You still have kids at home. To you it’s a no-brainer. For her - it will turn her whole world upside down. Will the kids come home to an empty house? Are they old enough to drive themselves to practices? Are you prepared to miss work to cover 50% of the crap that comes up during the day that she’s likely been covering herself for years? What do the kids do all summer while school’s out?

When a mom goes back to work FT after 15 years, everyone suffers a little bit. It will be a big adjustment for the whole family.

There’s more to life than money. Personally I’d rather eat beans than be forced back to work FT against my will so my teens can go home to an empty house from 2-6 every day. It’s not about keeping up with the rainmaker friends. It’s about maintaining connections with the kids while they’re still at home. They’re only under your roof for a couple more years. Can’t you catch up on savings once the kids are gone?

New poster here- This comment above nailed it. Calculate all the unpaid labor she does at home. Does she cook, clean, make doctor appointments, take the cars to get serviced, shuttle kids to and from events, do birthday gifts magically appeared wrapped up, fridge full of food, etc.

You're being ridiculous. Keeping a SAHM for birthday gift-wrapping? WTF. Listening to you, it's like all households with two working parents have empty fridges and dirty houses and kids who never go to the doctor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You still have kids at home. To you it’s a no-brainer. For her - it will turn her whole world upside down. Will the kids come home to an empty house? Are they old enough to drive themselves to practices? Are you prepared to miss work to cover 50% of the crap that comes up during the day that she’s likely been covering herself for years? What do the kids do all summer while school’s out?

When a mom goes back to work FT after 15 years, everyone suffers a little bit. It will be a big adjustment for the whole family.

There’s more to life than money. Personally I’d rather eat beans than be forced back to work FT against my will so my teens can go home to an empty house from 2-6 every day. It’s not about keeping up with the rainmaker friends. It’s about maintaining connections with the kids while they’re still at home. They’re only under your roof for a couple more years. Can’t you catch up on savings once the kids are gone?

New poster here- This comment above nailed it. Calculate all the unpaid labor she does at home. Does she cook, clean, make doctor appointments, take the cars to get serviced, shuttle kids to and from events, do birthday gifts magically appeared wrapped up, fridge full of food, etc.

Or, just make a list and have OP agree to doing half, more if necessary so she can focus on her career.

Don't forget clothing for kids, last minute school supplies, etc.

Wow. OK he can make half a click it takes to buy clothes or school supplies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what you can’t see..

Salary.com Reveals Stay-at-Home Moms are Worth $162,581 a Year

https://www.hrdive.com/press-release/20180514-salarycom-reveals-stay-at-home-moms-are-worth-162581-a-year/

WALTHAM, MA (May 13, 2018) - If stay-at-home moms earned an annual salary for all the hours they put toward tending to the duties of their households and children, how much would they earn? Today – in honor of Mother’s Day – Salary.com, the leading SaaS provider of cloud-based compensation data and analytics, released its 18thannual Mom Salary survey, which puts a price tag on a priceless job: motherhood.

By selecting a handful of jobs that reflect a day in the life of a mom and pulling the market compensation data for those same roles, Salary.com determined that the median annual salary of a mother for 2018 is $162,581– rising nearly $5,000 from 2017 calculations.

Through surveying thousands of working and stay-at-home moms, the 18thannual Mom Salary Survey determined a mother’s most time-consuming tasks – and the hours spent on each one. Since 2000, Salary.com has tracked how a mom’s role has morphed over the years, and how the value of this hybrid role has continued to rise. With a nearly 96-hour work-week and a six-figure annual rate, moms may be the most valuable workers in the country.

“While it’s difficult to put a price tag on a job like being a mother, we at Salary.com would like to honor all the moms out there who work their hardest day-in and day-out,” said Alys Reynders Scott, Chief Marketing Officer, Salary.com. “We would like to recognize both professional and stay-at-home Moms on their unwavering dedication to their families and other responsibilities. The work ethic does not go unnoticed or unappreciated, and we were not surprised at the substantial salary we calculated this year. It is money well-earned.”

In addition to traditional roles like performing the duties of a cook, housekeeper, nurse, and nutritionist, moms of today have more responsibilities than ever before. For example, with the rise of technology, moms are expected to sharpen their knowledge around computers, tablets, smartphones, and social media – making them extremely well-rounded in their skillsets and very valuable in terms of earning potential.

Additional insights from Salary.com’s 2018 survey data on how much a mother’s work is worth can be accessed at: https://www.companalyst.com/blog/stay-at-home-mom/.

About Salary.com
Salary.com is the leading SaaS provider of cloud-based compensation market data and analytics. Founded in 1999, the Company serves approximately 4,000 business-to-business customers worldwide with its market-leading CompAnalyst platform, designed to accelerate compensation workflows and improve efficiency. Through its Salary Wizard and consumer website, Salary.com delivers continually updated, reliable market pay data and career content to hundreds of thousands of consumers each year. The Company is committed to helping organizations drive company success by aligning compensation practices with recruiting, performance and development initiatives through easy-to-access data and meaningful insights. For more information, please visit the company website at www.salary.com.

They are only worth that if they can find an actual job paying that. Otherwise, this is just mental acrobatics.

Also, did you notice they are honoring PROFESSIONAL and SAHM moms? They aren't making a distinction between what employed vs. unemployed women make. And they also assume mom does 100% of all household and child rearing work.

It's mental acrobatics. Nothing else. These jobs do not exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be pretty shocked if someone out of the workforce for 15 years could find a job paying anything close to 60-70k.

Op here, some judgmental people but of course it’s DCUM. To some of the posters, DW is a speech therapist working part-time. I know that she can transition to full time and make $50k - her skills are current and demand is high. And yes, I do help at home with cooking, laundry, cleaning etc, and we also have a cleaning person every 3 weeks. I never said I wanted a divorce either, I just need he to make more. We don’t spend frivolously but there are still lots of expenses, especially with college looming. I’ve done what I can to earn more and took a stressful GS-15 job as a result, but I’m 15 years in towards a pension so not going to leave for a private sector job.

I'm sorry OP. Some of these women lashing out at you are totally crazy and shockingly entitled. Obviously your wife should pitch in, and it's selfish that she's not.

+1. I’m a woman and I’m so sick of these types of women. These women want equality, but do not want to be treated as equals when it comes to money. They still expect a man to pick up the check, pay for everything, and support them. You should do the same as men if you want equality. Work a FT job, being in the same pay, and still parent and do your fair share for the household.

Please run for public office!!!