I told DW it’s time for her to return to work FT

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:You still have kids at home. To you it’s a no-brainer. For her - it will turn her whole world upside down. Will the kids come home to an empty house? Are they old enough to drive themselves to practices? Are you prepared to miss work to cover 50% of the crap that comes up during the day that she’s likely been covering herself for years? What do the kids do all summer while school’s out?

When a mom goes back to work FT after 15 years, everyone suffers a little bit. It will be a big adjustment for the whole family.

There’s more to life than money. Personally I’d rather eat beans than be forced back to work FT against my will so my teens can go home to an empty house from 2-6 every day. It’s not about keeping up with the rainmaker friends. It’s about maintaining connections with the kids while they’re still at home. They’re only under your roof for a couple more years. Can’t you catch up on savings once the kids are gone?

New poster here- This comment above nailed it. Calculate all the unpaid labor she does at home. Does she cook, clean, make doctor appointments, take the cars to get serviced, shuttle kids to and from events, do birthday gifts magically appeared wrapped up, fridge full of food, etc.

Or, just make a list and have OP agree to doing half, more if necessary so she can focus on her career.

Don't forget clothing for kids, last minute school supplies, etc.

Wow. OK he can make half a click it takes to buy clothes or school supplies.

Right?! I do all those things for my kids AND work full time. I actually out earn my husband. And he travels for work. Am I some sort of superhero, then? Should I give my husband an invoice for this unpaid labor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You still have kids at home. To you it’s a no-brainer. For her - it will turn her whole world upside down. Will the kids come home to an empty house? Are they old enough to drive themselves to practices? Are you prepared to miss work to cover 50% of the crap that comes up during the day that she’s likely been covering herself for years? What do the kids do all summer while school’s out?

When a mom goes back to work FT after 15 years, everyone suffers a little bit. It will be a big adjustment for the whole family.

There’s more to life than money. Personally I’d rather eat beans than be forced back to work FT against my will so my teens can go home to an empty house from 2-6 every day. It’s not about keeping up with the rainmaker friends. It’s about maintaining connections with the kids while they’re still at home. They’re only under your roof for a couple more years. Can’t you catch up on savings once the kids are gone?

New poster here- This comment above nailed it. Calculate all the unpaid labor she does at home. Does she cook, clean, make doctor appointments, take the cars to get serviced, shuttle kids to and from events, do birthday gifts magically appeared wrapped up, fridge full of food, etc.

I do all that and I work full time. It is NBD. The kids are in high school FFS!!!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I would be pretty shocked if someone out of the workforce for 15 years could find a job paying anything close to 60-70k.

Op here, some judgmental people but of course it’s DCUM. To some of the posters, DW is a speech therapist working part-time. I know that she can transition to full time and make $50k - her skills are current and demand is high. And yes, I do help at home with cooking, laundry, cleaning etc, and we also have a cleaning person every 3 weeks. I never said I wanted a divorce either, I just need he to make more. We don’t spend frivolously but there are still lots of expenses, especially with college looming. I’ve done what I can to earn more and took a stressful GS-15 job as a result, but I’m 15 years in towards a pension so not going to leave for a private sector job.

OP, you are absolutely within your rights to want this and anyone who says otherwise is 100% wrong.

I agree! And the people suggesting he move to the private sector and make more money are truly nuts. He has a well-paying, stable job that will provide him and his family with a pension, good insurance, etc. It would be incredibly stupid and short-sighted for him to give that up for a less stable job as the breadwinner. I mean, what are you guys even thinking??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her divorce, or she works. I am a female and I can not imagine not pulling my weight financially in a relationship.

And if they divorce, she will have to work. So.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be pretty shocked if someone out of the workforce for 15 years could find a job paying anything close to 60-70k.

Op here, some judgmental people but of course it’s DCUM. To some of the posters, DW is a speech therapist working part-time. I know that she can transition to full time and make $50k - her skills are current and demand is high. And yes, I do help at home with cooking, laundry, cleaning etc, and we also have a cleaning person every 3 weeks. I never said I wanted a divorce either, I just need he to make more. We don’t spend frivolously but there are still lots of expenses, especially with college looming. I’ve done what I can to earn more and took a stressful GS-15 job as a result, but I’m 15 years in towards a pension so not going to leave for a private sector job.

OP, you are absolutely within your rights to want this and anyone who says otherwise is 100% wrong.

I agree! And the people suggesting he move to the private sector and make more money are truly nuts. He has a well-paying, stable job that will provide him and his family with a pension, good insurance, etc. It would be incredibly stupid and short-sighted for him to give that up for a less stable job as the breadwinner. I mean, what are you guys even thinking??

+1

I do not understand why OP's wife thinks she gets a pass on supporting the family and getting the kids through college. WTH, that is nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can she really make that much? I had two masters and never cracked 50k. It sounds like if she worked full time that is about what she would make. Her salary would go to the commute and take out unless the kids make dinner.

Really? You need a new job. I have a 26 year old working for me 40 hours a week with a bachelor's in English making 60k.

[Anonymous]

I can't invest in all 12 pages of this thread, but I think OP needs a collaborative approach with his wife. You telling her what she needs to do will lead to resistance or resentment. Instead set aside a few hours for both of you to imagine what your future will be like (schedule a time with no kids in a comfortable environment). Where do you imagine your kids going to college, when is retirement, what will you do in retirement. Then meet together with a financial planner to talk about how realistic your plan is given your current income. Give her some time and space to get there on her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:When we had kids, DW became a SAHM and our discussion was always that she’d return to the workforce at some point. It’s now 15 years later, kids are in high school, and she is working part-time. I just did our taxes and she only earned $18k last year - I am a GS-15 so by no means a rainmaker. We are behind on savings, college 529, etc and I’m tired of having to agonize over every financial decision because our finances are so precarious. DW has a Masters and could be making $60-70K full time but doesn’t want to - she has many stay at home friends who are married to rainmakers, but that’s not me. I told her tonight that I’m at my wits end and she needs to step up. She doesn’t want to work full time - neither do I but I suck it up for the family. I’m very frustrated and can’t get DW to pick up the slack. I am very involved at home and with the kids so she has supper there. How can I make her understand that we can’t always get what we want?!?

To convince your wife, first, YOU must understand that we don’t always get what we want.

However, from your post it sounds like you just want to convince your wife to do what you want.

Did it ever occur to you that getting a 70K job after being out of the labor force for 15 years probably feels as impossible to her as getting a rainmaker job feels to you?

I really wish OP would reply to this.

Well at least he is trying. First off, she can simply get a full-time job and see how that goes.

He isn't trying. He's been stuck at his same underpaid job for years. He refuses to put the effort into making more money too.

Yeah, and she refuses to work full time because... she doesn't want to. Maybe she won't make 70K, but she will make more than the 18K she currently makes, and she's still young enough that her salary will continue to rise. Many of us would all love to work part time and we don't because we have to pay for college and contribute to retirement. The bottom line is, her spouse is not on board and is not comfortable being the breadwinner for life. It sounds like the plan was for her to go back to work eventually and now she doesn't want to give up her cushy life. No sympathy here.

+1

[Anonymous]

This is insane. Op and his wife had an agreement she would go back to work, she’s in a highly sought after role where she can ramp up to a decent salary, and her kids are in HS so her obligations to them are minimal.

And people are saying that OP should get a better job or work longer hours? And that the kids should get jobs? So that mom can spend the next 45 years hanging out because she worked 15 hard years???? You people are off your f-ing rocker.

[Anonymous]

She flipped the script on OP, so I have zero sympathy for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is insane. Op and his wife had an agreement she would go back to work, she’s in a highly sought after role where she can ramp up to a decent salary, and her kids are in HS so her obligations to them are minimal.

And people are saying that OP should get a better job or work longer hours? And that the kids should get jobs? So that mom can spend the next 45 years hanging out because she worked 15 hard years???? You people are off your f-ing rocker.

First rule of SAH club: you always defend SAH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her divorce, or she works. I am a female and I can not imagine not pulling my weight financially in a relationship.

Most women don't. They spend time here on DCUM bit*hing about DH, MIL, and such.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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What if she's fine living on a lower income? You can't make someone work for a lifestyle they don't want, OP. This is my husband. He has a high IQ, multiple terminal degrees, and earns very little in a little business working for NIH scientists. It's maddening that he thinks everything is peachy when all his peers have actual careers and make much more.

Or, he could get a better paying job. That is what my husband did.

I'll bet she does a whole lot more with the kids, and with the job it's f/t. Not to mention cooking and cleaning so OP needs to put a sock in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What if she's fine living on a lower income? You can't make someone work for a lifestyle they don't want, OP. This is my husband. He has a high IQ, multiple terminal degrees, and earns very little in a little business working for NIH scientists. It's maddening that he thinks everything is peachy when all his peers have actual careers and make much more.

Or, he could get a better paying job. That is what my husband did.

I'll bet she does a whole lot more with the kids, and with the job it's f/t. Not to mention cooking and cleaning so OP needs to put a sock in it.

They have cleaners! What is she doing with high school kids constantly? Do you guys posting even know high school kids? They barely want anything to do with you.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Dude, you did not achieve your potential if you could not support your family.

You can say the same about OPs wife. Women want equality, but refuse to work. Their children have two parents, and it's every much her responsibility to provide for them as it is his. She sounds lazy and wants to socialize with her SAHM friends.

OP, you won't get helpful responses because this board is filled with SAHMs and women who want to bag high earning men so they can be lazy and not work.

Woman here. I would take a high earning husband who loves me over equality anyday. Sorry it’s the truth. I feel so bad for OP’s wife. Not that she may have to work more but because he is a not high earner who doesn’t seem to love her very much.

This is what many women find. My husband knew I would be in and out of the work force, pretty much said it's up to me. We also live beneath our means and still have 2 retirements, and one home paid off. OP and his wife can scale back, the kids can get loans and scholarships for college.