I think I regret having kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are childless people in this forum. “dc urbanMOM

Why are you that sad poster that’s thinks this is some type of argument? Go ask why dads are on here too. Bye.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If our ancestors had been as self-centered as some of these posters, the whole human race would have died out long ago. No one ever said the point of children was to make you happy. It’s just what living things do.

OP, I do think it will get better for you once you’re sleeping again and the older one is past the dreaded 3-3.5 stage.

Agreed. I’m astonished at all the “you get very little in return” posters. Um, that’s not the point? Everything is not all about what you can get out of it. How incredibly selfish.

I can’t imagine a life of endless dining out, drinking, traveling, sleeping in. That would feel very empty and meaningless to me after a while.

Seriously? This sounds amazing.

+1 It's nice for a vacation but sounds like a pretty empty life to me.

Agree - I have a couple of married friends and I cannot imagine what the heck they do with all their time. In both cases the wife does not even work.....does not volunteer anywhere......what an empty, self-centered life.....

This is what unhappy ppl with children have to tell themselves. P.s. you had children for your own selfish needs. Your life was empty and you had no individuality so you needed kids to make you into something. That’s sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids get a whole lot more fun. You have two shitty ages right now. Of course it’s hard. But they’ll both be cool little people eventually, I promise.

It’s not shitty ages, its a cultural phenomenon where people dont discipline their toddlers. It’s a practice with consequences. Yes, living with an unmanageable 3 yo human animal and a baby is difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids get a whole lot more fun. You have two shitty ages right now. Of course it’s hard. But they’ll both be cool little people eventually, I promise.

It’s not shitty ages, its a cultural phenomenon where people dont discipline their toddlers. It’s a practice with consequences. Yes, living with an unmanageable 3 yo human animal and a baby is difficult.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And to add--NO ONE GETS TO judge for your regret. But how you behave and live with the situation is completely in your control.

+1

My mother comes a culture and generation where having children was expected. If she had been born 20 years younger in the West, she would've made different choices. I think that she would've chosen to not have children or only one child later in life. As an adult, I can see this about her.

But growing up, she was a good mom and we are still close today. She was good mother not because she loved motherhood but because she was willing to do the things that good parents do regardless of her personal feelings about the situation. She always tried her best, prioritized my (and my siblings') well-being, and was there for us.

It's fine to have regrets about having children. It's not like you can truly know what having a child is like until you have one. What's important is how you conduct yourself and behave towards the children that you do have. Good parenting is about what you do, not how you feel.

And for another perspective, my mother hated being a parent and *didn't* do the things good parents do or prioritize her children's well-being. It was clear she was avoiding being with us and counting the minutes to bedtime and the days until we grew up and left. It sucked being her kid then, it sucked having to learn how to be a decent parent with my own kids (I learned a lot of things the hard way) and it sucks now that she is old and expects us to care for her.

OP, I applaud you for being honest about your feelings. Parenting little ones is so hard. I will also add this: Good decision or no, you've created these vulnerable little people whose lives and emotional well-being depend on you and your husband. Try to care for yourself as best you can so you make them feel wanted and loved. Get therapy if you need it, or household help, or whatever breaks help you stay sane. The "reward" of having loving relationships with them when they're older will only happen if you manage this somehow. As others have said, it does get easier when they are a little older and less needy. Hugs and good luck.

[Anonymous]

Can you afford to put them in daycare?

I hate this myth that mothers should spend maximum time with their kids.

No, some mothers need external stimulation and jobs outside the home to function.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If our ancestors had been as self-centered as some of these posters, the whole human race would have died out long ago. No one ever said the point of children was to make you happy. It’s just what living things do.

OP, I do think it will get better for you once you’re sleeping again and the older one is past the dreaded 3-3.5 stage.

Agreed. I’m astonished at all the “you get very little in return” posters. Um, that’s not the point? Everything is not all about what you can get out of it. How incredibly selfish.

I can’t imagine a life of endless dining out, drinking, traveling, sleeping in. That would feel very empty and meaningless to me after a while.

Seriously? This sounds amazing.

+1 It's nice for a vacation but sounds like a pretty empty life to me.

Agree - I have a couple of married friends and I cannot imagine what the heck they do with all their time. In both cases the wife does not even work.....does not volunteer anywhere......what an empty, self-centered life.....

LOL, you sound jealous. She has full nights of sleep, no dirty diapers or kid chores to do. Living her best free life. Why does it matter to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If our ancestors had been as self-centered as some of these posters, the whole human race would have died out long ago. No one ever said the point of children was to make you happy. It’s just what living things do.

OP, I do think it will get better for you once you’re sleeping again and the older one is past the dreaded 3-3.5 stage.

Agreed. I’m astonished at all the “you get very little in return” posters. Um, that’s not the point? Everything is not all about what you can get out of it. How incredibly selfish.

I can’t imagine a life of endless dining out, drinking, traveling, sleeping in. That would feel very empty and meaningless to me after a while.

Honestly, it’s glorious. Better than you could ever imagine. Seriously!

[Anonymous]

My kids are 4.5, 2.5 and .5 and... man, the sleep deprivation is real. If I could just sleep 2 more hours/night, I'd be an entirely different person.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP. You're not alone and you're not a bad mother for having those feelings. My kids are 22 months apart, both planned. When the younger one was first born, I had some very similar feelings for a while. Lots of "what the f*** have I done" kind of thoughts. Life had JUST gotten easier with my toddler and then boom, new baby!

Going through the fourth trimester while recovering physically and emotionally and also caring for another very young child was really hard. It's just relentless and can feel really miserable when they are both so young. The exhaustion is overwhelming and the lows can feel really low. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture and the postpartum hormones are no joke.

It does get better, though. I obviously can't speak for everyone, but for me things got much easier around 6 months. My second started sitting up, playing independently for a bit, and sleeping better. The kids started to interact with one another and laugh together. My husband and I planned fun things and resumed date nights. Life has gotten brighter again. I'm not saying things are magically easy, but I am pretty happy again. Don't lose hope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If our ancestors had been as self-centered as some of these posters, the whole human race would have died out long ago. No one ever said the point of children was to make you happy. It’s just what living things do.

OP, I do think it will get better for you once you’re sleeping again and the older one is past the dreaded 3-3.5 stage.

Agreed. I’m astonished at all the “you get very little in return” posters. Um, that’s not the point? Everything is not all about what you can get out of it. How incredibly selfish.

I can’t imagine a life of endless dining out, drinking, traveling, sleeping in. That would feel very empty and meaningless to me after a while.

Honestly, it’s glorious. Better than you could ever imagine. Seriously!

+1. After a while you can't imagine it any other way.

[Anonymous]

OP - I skimmed responses so this may be somewhat redundant.

You are in the absolute worst stage, IMO. I could not stand the infant period (my first was colicky and spirited, second didn't sleep until he was 3 despite boatloads of money thrown at sleep consultants). Particularly when you are a new mom of two, you are exhausted, it's overwhelming, you cannot practice self-care, etc. Your feelings are normal.

Now. Does it get easier? Yes, it will. Your kids will get personalities, they will become funny, they will become independent, and you will get to carve out critical "me" time to rejuvenate. It will *never* be easy, but it will get better than the stage you are in right now. My kids are 3 and 5, and I like this stage infinitely better than where you are now. They still drive me insane at times, but there are many more "aw" moments, happy moments, etc., then there was for me when they were toddlers.

What can you do now? --> outsource everything. House cleaners. Pump and get DH to give baby a bottle during the night (never worked for me but it does for some). Have a family member come over so you can shower and nap. Go get a pedicure or massage when DH comes home from work (assuming you're on maternity). And so on. It will all help your mental space.

But, I'm with you. I dream about time to travel, sleep in, dine out, etc. I started doing mini 3-4 day trips every now and again with a group of women. Frankly, I find more peace and joy out of that so it keeps me going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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OP, I do think it will get better for you once you’re sleeping again and the older one is past the dreaded 3-3.5 stage.

Agreed. I’m astonished at all the “you get very little in return” posters. Um, that’s not the point? Everything is not all about what you can get out of it. How incredibly selfish.

I can’t imagine a life of endless dining out, drinking, traveling, sleeping in. That would feel very empty and meaningless to me after a while.

Seriously? This sounds amazing.

+1 It's nice for a vacation but sounds like a pretty empty life to me.

Shocker! Other people may think differently than you.

We childless married couples do more than go out to eat, sleep in, drink and travel. We work in our communities to make the world a better place (while we sleep on the piles of money we saved from not having kids).

How exactly? Community service is nothing compared to the legacy of having children.

Oh honey, you really want to go there? Trust me, there are 1300 people a month who are better off for what I provide to my organization (not a worker but a donor who provides the facility rent-free) . Each month. For the past year and into the future until I die and will them the property. Can your DC claim that? I’m partially doing that because I don’t have children.

You were once somebody’s child.

Bless your heart.

[Anonymous]

OP, I completely agree with a lot of PPs that this is a phase and things will get better, and things like outsourcing might help the day to day, and give you a mental break.

But I also wanted to add, for you and for others who feel they regret children.... this is a classic "the grass is always greener" situation. You don't actually know that you'd be happier if you did not have kids because that is not possible. And same goes for kids who are child-free for whatever reason. So - and this goes for everyone reading this thread - stop trying to figure out what you're getting out of having children. Actually, stop trying to do that for EVERYTHING. Because this is life, and it's not always fantastic and amazing. Sometimes it just is. That doesn't make it bad and doesn't mean you should be miserable about it. You don't have to have everything or be perfect to be happy.

There are a million reasons why you might feel like you're unhappy, so you just have to determine what it is. Are you comparing yourself to others too much? Are you overtired? Do you miss your career? And on and on and on... and once you figure it out, change it. It's not the same answer for everyone. And if you can't identify it, then yeah, maybe it could be a PPD/depression thing. But again, this applies to anyone whose feeling like they regret their choices. Try to think about people who have been handed a bad deal that was not by choice, and imagine what you would want to be like in that kind of situation. I try to remember that there are people out there facing much worse than I am , and they still go about their day with a smile on their face. That's someone I admire and I want to be like them, so I'm not going to sit here and wallow in things I cannot change.

I know this all sounds a bit rainbows and unicorns - and trust me, I am NOT that kind of person - but sometimes you really do just have to choose to be happy with what you've got. Sometimes it's the best you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

OP, I do think it will get better for you once you’re sleeping again and the older one is past the dreaded 3-3.5 stage.

Agreed. I’m astonished at all the “you get very little in return” posters. Um, that’s not the point? Everything is not all about what you can get out of it. How incredibly selfish.

I can’t imagine a life of endless dining out, drinking, traveling, sleeping in. That would feel very empty and meaningless to me after a while.

Seriously? This sounds amazing.

+1 It's nice for a vacation but sounds like a pretty empty life to me.

Shocker! Other people may think differently than you.

We childless married couples do more than go out to eat, sleep in, drink and travel. We work in our communities to make the world a better place (while we sleep on the piles of money we saved from not having kids).

How exactly? Community service is nothing compared to the legacy of having children.

Oh honey, you really want to go there? Trust me, there are 1300 people a month who are better off for what I provide to my organization (not a worker but a donor who provides the facility rent-free) . Each month. For the past year and into the future until I die and will them the property. Can your DC claim that? I’m partially doing that because I don’t have children.

You were once somebody’s child.

Bless your heart.