I think I regret having kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have two kids, one of whom is a very difficult child. There are times when I experience what I feel is regret, but when I really think about it, I realize it's not my children themselves whom I regret, but rather the situation. There are definitely times when I wonder what the heck I've done by having kids, but I don't think that's regret. I have regrets around how I handled some things or situations for sure.

This exactly. I have a difficult one too.

+1

Trying to control my older DS on a daily basis has literally changed who I am as a person.

[Anonymous]

Ummmm..what did you think life with kids was going to be like? Had you not done your research?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ummmm..what did you think life with kids was going to be like? Had you not done your research?

Are you kidding me with this stupid question?

[Anonymous]

Not every woman is maternal. Any single friend who has doubts about children, i say, you only have one life, do what makes you happy - not because of expectations and be miserabe with regrets.. I have some mom friends who are very hands off and i wonder why they had kids.

Kids are hard, but try to enjoy the highs and brush off the lows. Find time for yourself and delegate some to hubs or sitter. Find that balance, so everyone is in better mood and place, instead of feeding the misery cycle.

Remember, the days are long, but years are short. 18-20 yrs isnt a huge chunk of your life span, still lots of me time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have two kids, one of whom is a very difficult child. There are times when I experience what I feel is regret, but when I really think about it, I realize it's not my children themselves whom I regret, but rather the situation. There are definitely times when I wonder what the heck I've done by having kids, but I don't think that's regret. I have regrets around how I handled some things or situations for sure.

This exactly. I have a difficult one too.

+1

Trying to control my older DS on a daily basis has literally changed who I am as a person.

I hear this. It’s so hard. I have a few friends/relatives who are (mostly) understanding but no one really gets it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids get a whole lot more fun. You have two shitty ages right now. Of course it’s hard. But they’ll both be cool little people eventually, I promise.

It’s not shitty ages, its a cultural phenomenon where people dont discipline their toddlers. It’s a practice with consequences. Yes, living with an unmanageable 3 yo human animal and a baby is difficult.

+1

I agree. Too many people let their kids rule the house and take the control back

[Anonymous]

I meant they need to take control back

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I meant they need to take control back

I thought this too before I had kids, but now I think it’s more nuanced. It is WAY more work to talk through things with kids. Many in my parents generation resorted to spanking or beating instead, or the old ‘because I said so.’ But the research shows that long term effects of that aren’t great (despite many of us feeling like maybe it helped ‘build character’ or ‘prevents spoiling.’

Parenting has become more refined just like every other human pursuit, hopefully in an effort to produce better, more well adjusted adults.

Historically child care was done by women or servants whose time was not necessarily valued or tracked very closely. I suspect, as our society has become more egalitarian this under-appreciated work is just more visible and quantified (aka “daycare costs how much??!!”)

In fact I hope we can continue to move away from the ‘children seen but not heard mentality’ and move more towards a society that acknowledges and respects the amount of work that goes into properly raising kids. Things like reasonable parental leave and paying teachers well. We all benefit from having well adjusted kids become our fellow citizens.

[Anonymous]

I prefer them seen and not heard

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never really understand this perspective. What did y'all think it was going to be like?!

I can see being overwhelmed by a special needs child but just lamenting the loss of all-you-can-drink mimosa bunches because your kid now needs you seems incredibly self-absorbed.

+1 Had you never really been around small children. They are frustrating and tiring but I also love them to death, think they are adorable (most of the time), and wouldn't have it any other way.

I do think, however, that prioritizing sleep is absolutely essential. Over tired small children are a nightmare, add in an a sleep-deprived parent and you are in deep misery. Deal with sleep problems ASAP, bring in help if you need it, prioritize early bedtimes vs. other activities. If your child is whining, complaining, crying all the time they are probably over tired.

You don’t get to choose whether your kid is special needs though.

I have never even been to an all you can drink anything. But I now drink too much thanks to having an extremely emotionally disturbed child. Please judge me but in exchange I’ll send you the accounts of what he does and let you talk with the therapists, teachers and other good meaning souls he has worn down. My main goal is that he not one day commit a major crime. (If you are sure you know better and can do a better job, you are welcome to try!) I cannot imagine having thought this way pre kids, but this is what I got.

And honestly all kids are hard (yes to different degree) at different times. Op I am with you. I hope it gets better for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I prefer them seen and not heard

+1. Delaying civilizing them is not “nuanced”, it’s a BS cop out.

[Anonymous]

Pretty sure I felt the same way at this stage. Now at 3 and 6 things are pretty great — we're hitting the sweet spot.

[Anonymous]

Wow--I have been feeling this way for weeks and had no idea this thread was right under my nose.

My youngest is 17, and for those who say the feelings will end when they get older, I say not necessarily. They are just as needy when they get older, and you will have other reasons not to like them. If I could do it all over I would either not have kids or only one. And I absolutely love mine. I'm just not maternal.

I am glad this thread was created, as I now feel like I have a safe space to vent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If our ancestors had been as self-centered as some of these posters, the whole human race would have died out long ago. No one ever said the point of children was to make you happy. It’s just what living things do.

OP, I do think it will get better for you once you’re sleeping again and the older one is past the dreaded 3-3.5 stage.

Agreed. I’m astonished at all the “you get very little in return” posters. Um, that’s not the point? Everything is not all about what you can get out of it. How incredibly selfish.

I can’t imagine a life of endless dining out, drinking, traveling, sleeping in. That would feel very empty and meaningless to me after a while.

Seriously? This sounds amazing.

I thought the exact same as you when read it. That sounds flippin amazing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And to add--NO ONE GETS TO judge for your regret. But how you behave and live with the situation is completely in your control.

+1

My mother comes a culture and generation where having children was expected. If she had been born 20 years younger in the West, she would've made different choices. I think that she would've chosen to not have children or only one child later in life. As an adult, I can see this about her.

But growing up, she was a good mom and we are still close today. She was good mother not because she loved motherhood but because she was willing to do the things that good parents do regardless of her personal feelings about the situation. She always tried her best, prioritized my (and my siblings') well-being, and was there for us.

It's fine to have regrets about having children. It's not like you can truly know what having a child is like until you have one. What's important is how you conduct yourself and behave towards the children that you do have. Good parenting is about what you do, not how you feel.

The way you describe our mom describes me to a "T." Thanks for articulating what I could not articulate about myself. I am a good mother who does not enjoy it.