Reply to Would you look the other way on cheating if everything else was perfect?

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Reply to "Would you look the other way on cheating if everything else was perfect?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I do. My husband and I knew each other long before seriously dating and marrying (I was 35 when we got married, he was 42) and I knew who he was. He’s a great partner, we’re great friends, we’ve built a wonderful life together, and the agreement is: no long term affairs, no kids outside of our marriage, and wrap it up. I know he has dalliances when he travels and I really don’t care. I don’t feel a need to stray but know it would be okay for me to do so. It works for us. [/quote]

This is our marriage too.  Same rules, works for us.  I bet there are lots out there who feel similarly.  I assume many of those fidelity purists are newlyweds who can't fathom what a long term marriage with warts and all can look like.[/quote]

I don't think fidelity purists, more like you couldn't stop your husband so this was the next best solution. An excuse of acceptance to keep your family under one roof. All good until he finds someone else, or does get someone pregnant.[/quote]

NP. My husband did get his AP pregnant and while there was quite a bit of unpleasantness around that, we are still married.

[/quote]

You are married to a cheater who had kids outside of the marriage who has no problem exposing you to potential illness and in that vein no problem depriving your kids from their mother should you contract an illness resulting in your death. But yay you're still married![/quote]

You seem pretty certain in spouting your analysis of other posters. They are the experts on themselves, so have a right to speak from a place of confidence about their views and values. Those cannot be found anywhere else.

LOL you're SO invested in telling perfect strangers you know all about them. So dramatic.[/quote]

I have a lot of compassion for the apparently significant number of people on DCUM who claim rock-solid certainty about every aspect of cheating, cheaters, marriage that includes cheating, etc. It used to make me bonkers but now I get it. Cheating is some people's worst fear in a marriage; it's astonishing how many marriages that seem healthy end up having some infidelity, and there's also a significant number of people in low-sex marriages or kid-centered marriages who see messages here all of the time that this is a free pass to cheat.

I get why that would make someone behave like an expert when they're not.

That said: no, a personal belief, no matter how passionately held or expressed, is not a scientific fact.  No, not everybody has the same sense of what they can live with in marriage. No, the question whether your kids are worse off living with joint custody and diminished financial stability vs. a parent getting sex on the side is not a scientific certainty and no you don't have data to support your claim that it is. No, not everybody believes it's a great idea to talk to your kids about details of why you divorced (and every family therapist and lawyer I know says not to, but that doesn't mean they're 100% correct in every circumstance).

Infidelity talk brings out fear and insecurity in people. That's normal and human. But that doesn't mean you understand someone else's life. The unwarranted certainty in these threads is exhausting but comes from a place of deep emotion, at least. [/quote][/quote]

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