Would you look the other way on cheating if everything else was perfect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband looks the other way on my cheating. I do 90% of everything for the kids and household, make more than he does. We went to therapy; he was told to "step it up." He wants to sleep 9 to 10 hours a day, and do nothing but work and ride his bike and joke around with the kids. He and I didn't live together before marriage so I didn't realize that sex once or maybe twice a week for 15 minutes was perfectly fine for him. I'm the alpha, he's the follower but it really benefits him so he ignores the nights I "go out with the girls."

Gross.

Married 22 years and we never vacationed without one another or into the separate sex scene. We get along with our friends AND their spouses and enjoy group outings, dinners, trips, etc.

I love being with my spouse more than just about anyone else. I think those that have this and he banged a side chick in a 20-40-year marriage at midlife wouldn’t throw away genuine love, fun, friendship, adventure, intellectual stimulation and family for a dumb whore that meant nothing.

Why does the woman who did the same thing as the man in this scenario get labeled a "dumb whore", when he still is perceived as your loving spouse, devoted dad, etc??

Sounds extremely misogynist, which is always particularly sad when it comes from another woman.

I’ll bite. In my case, the OW was dumb AND she was a whore. It was her third affair while married and she had a crap degree and never worked —-not much between the ears.

My ex was just a whore with a midlife affair, but incredibly intelligent and very successful.

So one was a whore and the other one was a lazy, dumb whore.

[Anonymous]

I sometimes wish my spouse were open to an open marriage. No long term affairs, but something on the side, just for physical pleasure, I wouldn't mind that for myself. Esp if everything else is so great. However if I found out my spouse were cheating today, I'd likely leave, because it would tip the balance, there is already one huge issue (they really are unable to heaithily parent our son and has always refused parenting class, family therapy, etc, and blames everyone on my son, when its so clear that the dynamic is a parent-child one, and the parent in this case is an extremely negative presence--critical, controlling, reactive. But I also stay because I am able to shield and defuse and protect).

[Anonymous]

A spouse who thinks this could be acceptable is sick

[Anonymous]

Lying is never perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I would look the other way. Sex is sex. He better be using protection though.

+1
Also not ok if he is spending money that we would otherwise spend on the kids. But totally okay otherwise.

It’s just sex until your spouse falls in love with an AP. Despite all the posts to the contrary on DCUM, it happens.

So then what? “Oh, he might love her but he won’t leave, there’s too much at stake!”

So, you want to be married to someone who doesn’t want you? Why? Fear of being alone?

Don’t say it’s for the kids. Resentment will grow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I would look the other way. Sex is sex. He better be using protection though.

+1
Also not ok if he is spending money that we would otherwise spend on the kids. But totally okay otherwise.

It’s just sex until your spouse falls in love with an AP. Despite all the posts to the contrary on DCUM, it happens.

So then what? “Oh, he might love her but he won’t leave, there’s too much at stake!”

So, you want to be married to someone who doesn’t want you? Why? Fear of being alone?

Don’t say it’s for the kids. Resentment will grow.

Happens in open marriages too. The success rate is not high. They end up in divorce more frequently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be less suspicious of these “yes” responses if women were treated better as a whole in our society. We are often conditioned to accept crummy circumstances and say thank you for them. But everybody is different and I suppose this setup is okay for some people.

So true. I think some women are conditioned to accept sub par outcomes and I wonder if this is another one of those sub par outcomes that they are willing to accept.

[Anonymous]

I'd be fine with it ecv4pt couldn't get over my husband manipulating another female as a married man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be fine with it ecv4pt couldn't get over my husband manipulating another female as a married man.

A majority of them are also married so they both are doing the same to one another. Granted, she might be looking for an exit affair and love and he is only in it for the sex with zero plans to leave, but neither is innocent in this type of situation. They are both cheating on their spouses and wrecking families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be fine with it ecv4pt couldn't get over my husband manipulating another female as a married man.

A majority of them are also married so they both are doing the same to one another. Granted, she might be looking for an exit affair and love and he is only in it for the sex with zero plans to leave, but neither is innocent in this type of situation. They are both cheating on their spouses and wrecking families.

Most of the married cheaters I know of are cheating with other married cheaters. I don’t know a single one cheating with a single person.

[Anonymous]

I’d be interested to know how many of the yes people have their own money and work. Who the hell puts up with this kinda crap?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s easy to say if I have these things then I don’t care about cheating. It is very difficult to have all those things not be affected when a spouse is cheating. My dH cheated for years and when I found out he said that he didn’t let it affect the family. Not true - he went on business trips that weren’t necessary, he was distracted often, he spent money on her, the list goes on. He was never in love but it still takes away from everything.

This. My ex cheated for years and I'm confident he would still tell you it didn't imapct his parenting. Except all the times he was distracted by his phone while he was with the kids, or the times I took them on vacation alone because he was "working," or the sheer impossibility of being the best parent you can be while 60% of your brain space is being taken up by lust and the need to maintain a lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s easy to say if I have these things then I don’t care about cheating. It is very difficult to have all those things not be affected when a spouse is cheating. My dH cheated for years and when I found out he said that he didn’t let it affect the family. Not true - he went on business trips that weren’t necessary, he was distracted often, he spent money on her, the list goes on. He was never in love but it still takes away from everything.

This. My ex cheated for years and I'm confident he would still tell you it didn't imapct his parenting. Except all the times he was distracted by his phone while he was with the kids, or the times I took them on vacation alone because he was "working," or the sheer impossibility of being the best parent you can be while 60% of your brain space is being taken up by lust and the need to maintain a lie.

+1. “My affair makes me a better mom.” The dumb sh@t that is spouted on Ashley Madison.

[Anonymous]

My DH is a high earner, spends tons of 1:1 time with the kids, great partner, and I have the choice to be a SAHM indefinitely. We have a good life.

I would look the other way if there was an occasional one night stand, out of town. Sex is a biological need. I don’t take it as a personal offense as long as it is just sex and not him keeping a second wife/family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say your husband was a very high earner, kind and attentive, good with the kids, supportive, you could work or pursue something else, etc. would you even care if he was getting some on the side occasionally? What if he was seeing another man?

A good marriage is when I like myself, I like my husband and I like who I am in the relationship. To be able to not care about cheating will mean that I will not respect who I have become in the relationship. I deserve more as a very self-respecting and honest person. I think for me it will be a dealbreaker.