Told the wife she has no right to demand an answer...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it, you wanted to punish her, and maybe she deserves it, but in the end you have to think about if your actions are contributing to the dysfunctions in your relationship or changing things, and by saying what you did, you heightened her insecurities, hurt her feelings, etc. it didn’t help.

OP here. True. It wasn't a script I had written in advance...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

what exactly did he try? what behavior modifications? what verbal modifications? what did he actually do?

Show me.

Tell him what he should do. The problem with him giving specifics is that it just invites critics to tell him he's doing it wrong. The goalposts always move. If someone gives him a list of things he ought to be doing, he can tell us whether he's been doing those things or not. (And, you know, ultimately none of our opinions matter. He could be doing everything right and just not reaching his spouse for whatever reasons that are particular to her. Other marriages are huge successes even though one or both of the spouses are doing everything wrong.)

No one is ever doing everything right because no one is perfect. When OPs offer only positive specifics and refuse to acknowledge anything they could do better, they either are being dishonest or are utterly lacking in self-awareness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP works, does more than his share around the house and with kids, and doesn't cheat despite having sex ONCE A YEAR.

I can't believe you are all jumping on him. I feel sorry for your husbands.
- woman

Is this your first time on DCUM?

It's just sad. It's like all these women want is a sugar daddy - by his account OP seems like a good guy, good dad, and attentive husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

what exactly did he try? what behavior modifications? what verbal modifications? what did he actually do?

Show me.

Tell him what he should do. The problem with him giving specifics is that it just invites critics to tell him he's doing it wrong. The goalposts always move. If someone gives him a list of things he ought to be doing, he can tell us whether he's been doing those things or not. (And, you know, ultimately none of our opinions matter. He could be doing everything right and just not reaching his spouse for whatever reasons that are particular to her. Other marriages are huge successes even though one or both of the spouses are doing everything wrong.)

No one is ever doing everything right because no one is perfect. When OPs offer only positive specifics and refuse to acknowledge anything they could do better, they either are being dishonest or are utterly lacking in self-awareness.

Do you or do you not believe sex is an important part of marriage?
- not OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

what exactly did he try? what behavior modifications? what verbal modifications? what did he actually do?

Show me.

Tell him what he should do. The problem with him giving specifics is that it just invites critics to tell him he's doing it wrong. The goalposts always move. If someone gives him a list of things he ought to be doing, he can tell us whether he's been doing those things or not. (And, you know, ultimately none of our opinions matter. He could be doing everything right and just not reaching his spouse for whatever reasons that are particular to her. Other marriages are huge successes even though one or both of the spouses are doing everything wrong.)

No one is ever doing everything right because no one is perfect. When OPs offer only positive specifics and refuse to acknowledge anything they could do better, they either are being dishonest or are utterly lacking in self-awareness.

Do you or do you not believe sex is an important part of marriage?
- not OP

That's pretty obvious "gotcha" bait. Please explain how your question is relevant to what I said and not an attempt to derail it or twist it into something it's not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

what exactly did he try? what behavior modifications? what verbal modifications? what did he actually do?

Show me.

Tell him what he should do. The problem with him giving specifics is that it just invites critics to tell him he's doing it wrong. The goalposts always move. If someone gives him a list of things he ought to be doing, he can tell us whether he's been doing those things or not. (And, you know, ultimately none of our opinions matter. He could be doing everything right and just not reaching his spouse for whatever reasons that are particular to her. Other marriages are huge successes even though one or both of the spouses are doing everything wrong.)

No one is ever doing everything right because no one is perfect. When OPs offer only positive specifics and refuse to acknowledge anything they could do better, they either are being dishonest or are utterly lacking in self-awareness.

OP here... Not trying to change your mind... or to release myself from any blame... but the main reason I went to therapy (and am keeping at it) is because I perfectly acknowledge the fact that I'm far from perfect and could have done a million things better (still can). The fact that you don't know every specific about my actions is not to say that they aren't done, or that I do or don't acknowledge them... this is DCUM after all... and not exactly a platform where one has any intimate knowledge of the other...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So OP works, does more than his share around the house and with kids, and doesn't cheat despite having sex ONCE A YEAR.

I can't believe you are all jumping on him. I feel sorry for your husbands.
- woman

Some women are so marginalized in their relationships that they act out on anonymous forums. I am not a proponent of open marriages, I think it is the cheap way to solve a problem. I see so many cheating men online claim that they have "open" marriages then they really have DADT marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's home for all but 8 hours per week, while his wife works 60+ hours. He contributes to chores and spends time with his kids.

If he was a woman you all would be yelling for him to divorce, and request child support.

OP here. It's never really "just" about time spent at home or at the office... and it's not about that with us either.

Of course it's not solely about working hours, but they are contributing to your lack of emotional and physical intimacy. Your wife works too much. She does not have enough time or energy to put into your relationship because she likely prioritizes her free time with the kids, and helping with daily household and self care. You are last. That's how it is for some women. It's not that she doesn't love you, it's just that she doesn't prioritize you because you are a capable adult. It sucks, but it's true. Now you have to decide to wait it out until 1) kids are grown then divorce, 2) she makes your relationship a priority, 3) divorce now, or 4) you discuss an open relationship. Only you and your wife can decide which road to take, and none of those roads are inherently wrong. You may want #2, but she may enjoy life as it is now, that leaves the ball in your court for 1, 3 & 4.

If she were actually attracted to her husband, he would not be "last" he would be "first". When women actually want to have sex, they find a way, no matter how busy or "tired" they are.

Yes, this is so true. The touch of a man who is great in bed helps you to sleep better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

what exactly did he try? what behavior modifications? what verbal modifications? what did he actually do?

Show me.

Tell him what he should do. The problem with him giving specifics is that it just invites critics to tell him he's doing it wrong. The goalposts always move. If someone gives him a list of things he ought to be doing, he can tell us whether he's been doing those things or not. (And, you know, ultimately none of our opinions matter. He could be doing everything right and just not reaching his spouse for whatever reasons that are particular to her. Other marriages are huge successes even though one or both of the spouses are doing everything wrong.)

No one is ever doing everything right because no one is perfect. When OPs offer only positive specifics and refuse to acknowledge anything they could do better, they either are being dishonest or are utterly lacking in self-awareness.

Do you or do you not believe sex is an important part of marriage?
- not OP

That's pretty obvious "gotcha" bait. Please explain how your question is relevant to what I said and not an attempt to derail it or twist it into something it's not.

Why are you so angry? Why are you taking this so personally?

OP's wife has had sex with him once a year for 5 years. By what's been described, he seems like a good partner and husband. So why are you placing all blame on him and none on her? Your insistence on attacking him and insisting that there must be something HE'S doing wrong is odd. Her withholding sex is causing major issues in their marriage and I think he has a right to be upset about that.

[Anonymous]

Leave the guy alone. He's in a crappy marriage and he threw fuel on the fire. It was not a smart thing to do but understandable.

[Anonymous]

OP, if yiu really feel like you’ve done everything you can, then it’s also up to you to cut ties or keep the status quo. You don’t get to throw a random punch when you feel like it, or for the sake of doing so. It’s like someone saying they only kick their dog once a month, so they’re not an animal abuser.

Your one comment likely moved your relationship back months. That’s not a nice comment, so you probably won’t acknowledge it, but I wonder how many of these needles you’ve stuck into your wife in the past years?

You can be home all you want, go to all the therapy you want, but if you continue to make her feel like sh*t with this kind of thing, you’re only moving backwards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

what exactly did he try? what behavior modifications? what verbal modifications? what did he actually do?

Show me.

Tell him what he should do. The problem with him giving specifics is that it just invites critics to tell him he's doing it wrong. The goalposts always move. If someone gives him a list of things he ought to be doing, he can tell us whether he's been doing those things or not. (And, you know, ultimately none of our opinions matter. He could be doing everything right and just not reaching his spouse for whatever reasons that are particular to her. Other marriages are huge successes even though one or both of the spouses are doing everything wrong.)

No one is ever doing everything right because no one is perfect. When OPs offer only positive specifics and refuse to acknowledge anything they could do better, they either are being dishonest or are utterly lacking in self-awareness.

Do you or do you not believe sex is an important part of marriage?
- not OP

That's pretty obvious "gotcha" bait. Please explain how your question is relevant to what I said and not an attempt to derail it or twist it into something it's not.

Why are you so angry? Why are you taking this so personally?

OP's wife has had sex with him once a year for 5 years. By what's been described, he seems like a good partner and husband. So why are you placing all blame on him and none on her? Your insistence on attacking him and insisting that there must be something HE'S doing wrong is odd. Her withholding sex is causing major issues in their marriage and I think he has a right to be upset about that.

Im not angry, just not stupid enough to fall for your low-rent "trick." Based on what I posted above, obviously I don't think his wife is blameless either. If she's not here asking for feedback, so I can't talk to her and her own role in the relationship, nor do we know her side. I can only talk to OP about his own role, which he has now acknowledged is also not Pete the but won't discuss candidly. I can't give advice to someone who's not telling us even his full side story, let alone acknowledging what his wife's side might be (or perhaps his lack of knowledge of what it might be).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's home for all but 8 hours per week, while his wife works 60+ hours. He contributes to chores and spends time with his kids.

If he was a woman you all would be yelling for him to divorce, and request child support.

OP here. It's never really "just" about time spent at home or at the office... and it's not about that with us either.

Of course it's not solely about working hours, but they are contributing to your lack of emotional and physical intimacy. Your wife works too much. She does not have enough time or energy to put into your relationship because she likely prioritizes her free time with the kids, and helping with daily household and self care. You are last. That's how it is for some women. It's not that she doesn't love you, it's just that she doesn't prioritize you because you are a capable adult. It sucks, but it's true. Now you have to decide to wait it out until 1) kids are grown then divorce, 2) she makes your relationship a priority, 3) divorce now, or 4) you discuss an open relationship. Only you and your wife can decide which road to take, and none of those roads are inherently wrong. You may want #2, but she may enjoy life as it is now, that leaves the ball in your court for 1, 3 & 4.

If she were actually attracted to her husband, he would not be "last" he would be "first". When women actually want to have sex, they find a way, no matter how busy or "tired" they are.

I'm the poster you responded to, and I don't disagree with you from my own personal perspective, but other women disagree. OP needs to tell his wife that he wants their relationship to be a priority. If she doesn't make changes, then he needs to make peace on how he wants to proceed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leave the guy alone. He's in a crappy marriage and he threw fuel on the fire. It was not a smart thing to do but understandable.

“She made me do it”.

Ie. I am not an adult and not responsible for my own reactions and actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

what exactly did he try? what behavior modifications? what verbal modifications? what did he actually do?

Show me.

Tell him what he should do. The problem with him giving specifics is that it just invites critics to tell him he's doing it wrong. The goalposts always move. If someone gives him a list of things he ought to be doing, he can tell us whether he's been doing those things or not. (And, you know, ultimately none of our opinions matter. He could be doing everything right and just not reaching his spouse for whatever reasons that are particular to her. Other marriages are huge successes even though one or both of the spouses are doing everything wrong.)

No one is ever doing everything right because no one is perfect. When OPs offer only positive specifics and refuse to acknowledge anything they could do better, they either are being dishonest or are utterly lacking in self-awareness.

Do you or do you not believe sex is an important part of marriage?
- not OP

That's pretty obvious "gotcha" bait. Please explain how your question is relevant to what I said and not an attempt to derail it or twist it into something it's not.

Why are you so angry? Why are you taking this so personally?

OP's wife has had sex with him once a year for 5 years. By what's been described, he seems like a good partner and husband. So why are you placing all blame on him and none on her? Your insistence on attacking him and insisting that there must be something HE'S doing wrong is odd. Her withholding sex is causing major issues in their marriage and I think he has a right to be upset about that.

Im not angry, just not stupid enough to fall for your low-rent "trick." Based on what I posted above, obviously I don't think his wife is blameless either. If she's not here asking for feedback, so I can't talk to her and her own role in the relationship, nor do we know her side. I can only talk to OP about his own role, which he has now acknowledged is also not Pete the but won't discuss candidly. I can't give advice to someone who's not telling us even his full side story, let alone acknowledging what his wife's side might be (or perhaps his lack of knowledge of what it might be).

I dont know what this means. He's acknowledged fault. You obviously think OP's wife is within her rights to withhold sex for 5 years without consequence. I disagree and like a PP, I think he should explain exactly what he's written here and gauge her response. Then he makes a decision with as much info as he can glean.