Told the wife she has no right to demand an answer...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fix you "non-related issues" and stop avoiding your kids.

If you said, I spend more time out of the house taking the kids places then I would think, great. But you are just neglecting your kids.

I am sorry you have "non-related" mental healthy issues, please get those resolved and stop neglecting the kids.

Your wife has no business knowing you sex life if she is not a part of it but this has nothing to do with sex, you just wanted to start a fight.

You start fights and neglect spending time with the kids... those are you issues, not how much sex you are having.

Fix the non-related issues before you pull another woman into your mess of a way of dealing with people and issues.

OP here... there's enough time when the kids are at school, or asleep, or doing their own thing... to be out doing my own thing without neglecting the kids being an issue...

You go out after the kids are asleep, then are up in the next morning when they wake?

OP here... I know it's hard for you to imagine... but they are in elementary school, and in bed by 9 PM. I can still make it to the gym, workout and back... and be up by 7 AM...

So you are going to the gym 3 times a week, seeing a shrink at least once a week for "unrelated issues" and going out on social outing and a fully engaged parent and working full time.

Your going to the gym from 9:30-10:30 after a full day of work.

Hmm, really?

Is your unrelated issue lying and being delusional.

See if you moved out, you would actually have to take care of your kids when you had them. Isn't that the real issue you don't want to move out. Your wife takes care of the kids and you float in an out as you please.

Move out and see what it is like to really take care of kids.

You're a moron PP. I'm not the OP but I did just what he wrote for years--put the kids to bed, and went to gym at 10pm. After a day at the office and also did it on the weekend. My exDWs resistance to my gym time was one of many reasons I was forced to declare my independence from the marriage.

Going on the weekend = not being with the kids. Moron.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if yiu really feel like you’ve done everything you can, then it’s also up to you to cut ties or keep the status quo. You don’t get to throw a random punch when you feel like it, or for the sake of doing so. It’s like someone saying they only kick their dog once a month, so they’re not an animal abuser.

Your one comment likely moved your relationship back months. That’s not a nice comment, so you probably won’t acknowledge it, but I wonder how many of these needles you’ve stuck into your wife in the past years?

You can be home all you want, go to all the therapy you want, but if you continue to make her feel like sh*t with this kind of thing, you’re only moving backwards.

OP here. You're right about most of it, and I do indeed acknowledge the "not nice" ness of my comment. It would be great if we could all operate in this world at all times as if we never had our feelings hurt, or acted out of instinct. My struggle is not with the fact that I know I'm right, or think I'm entitled to something... but with being hurt myself and yet trying to maneuver through life causing myself and others I love as little damage (and as much joy) as I can. Anyway, I have by now figured out that not hurting the other while trying to avoid being hurt yourself is quite the complicated task... sometimes...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fix you "non-related issues" and stop avoiding your kids.

If you said, I spend more time out of the house taking the kids places then I would think, great. But you are just neglecting your kids.

I am sorry you have "non-related" mental healthy issues, please get those resolved and stop neglecting the kids.

Your wife has no business knowing you sex life if she is not a part of it but this has nothing to do with sex, you just wanted to start a fight.

You start fights and neglect spending time with the kids... those are you issues, not how much sex you are having.

Fix the non-related issues before you pull another woman into your mess of a way of dealing with people and issues.

OP here... there's enough time when the kids are at school, or asleep, or doing their own thing... to be out doing my own thing without neglecting the kids being an issue...

You go out after the kids are asleep, then are up in the next morning when they wake?

OP here... pretty

OP here... I know it's hard for you to imagine... but they are in elementary school, and in bed by 9 PM. I can still make it to the gym, workout and back... and be up by 7 AM...

So you are going to the gym 3 times a week, seeing a shrink at least once a week for "unrelated issues" and going out on social outing and a fully engaged parent and working full time.

Your going to the gym from 9:30-10:30 after a full day of work.

Hmm, really?

Is your unrelated issue lying and being delusional.

See if you moved out, you would actually have to take care of your kids when you had them. Isn't that the real issue you don't want to move out. Your wife takes care of the kids and you float in an out as you please.

Move out and see what it is like to really take care of kids.

OP here… Pretty obvious thing to say in 2018… but going to a psychologist is really not an issue you can and should associate with either mental illness or “lying and being delusional”. Such prejudice was already outdated in the 80s when even I was growing up. People encounter a variety of challenges throughout life and talking with a professional is never the wrong thing to do. Many of the more confident, smart and successful individuals I know do so sometime during their 40s…
Anyway… Between 7 hours of sleep and having a flexible work schedule… you can easily find time to go to the gym every now and then and to therapy once a week… all that without neglecting your kids. You would have to be very bad at managing time (which I am not) to think these things MUST go together…

I never said you had a "mental illness"... do you always read into what people say and in turn act defensive?

You said you have "unrelated issues". I am not sure how YOUR issues can be related it's just a little weird you had to specify that you personally have issues and you can't blame your wife ... of course your issues are NOT RELATED. You have issues. I already know that they are your issues, you don't have to specify that they are "unrelated". Of course the 1st step is admitting YOU have issue you can't blame on others.

You can keep making excuses but if you brag about being out of the house as much as possible when your wife is home but also say you are home all the time when your kids are... you MUST be a magician, or lying or delusional... which sounds like an "unrelated issue".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if yiu really feel like you’ve done everything you can, then it’s also up to you to cut ties or keep the status quo. You don’t get to throw a random punch when you feel like it, or for the sake of doing so. It’s like someone saying they only kick their dog once a month, so they’re not an animal abuser.

Your one comment likely moved your relationship back months. That’s not a nice comment, so you probably won’t acknowledge it, but I wonder how many of these needles you’ve stuck into your wife in the past years?

You can be home all you want, go to all the therapy you want, but if you continue to make her feel like sh*t with this kind of thing, you’re only moving backwards.

OP here. You're right about most of it, and I do indeed acknowledge the "not nice" ness of my comment. It would be great if we could all operate in this world at all times as if we never had our feelings hurt, or acted out of instinct. My struggle is not with the fact that I know I'm right, or think I'm entitled to something... but with being hurt myself and yet trying to maneuver through life causing myself and others I love as little damage (and as much joy) as I can. Anyway, I have by now figured out that not hurting the other while trying to avoid being hurt yourself is quite the complicated task... sometimes...

It's not actually hard to be hurt and not turn around and hurt others.

If you think it is complicated or hard, then indeed you need counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it, you wanted to punish her, and maybe she deserves it, but in the end you have to think about if your actions are contributing to the dysfunctions in your relationship or changing things, and by saying what you did, you heightened her insecurities, hurt her feelings, etc. it didn’t help.

OP here. True. It wasn't a script I had written in advance...

Next time, stop, don't speak. Then script something not hurtful or dysfunctional. Then speak. See ... easy.

[Anonymous]

You sound impulsive... are you ADHD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

what exactly did he try? what behavior modifications? what verbal modifications? what did he actually do?

Show me.

Tell him what he should do. The problem with him giving specifics is that it just invites critics to tell him he's doing it wrong. The goalposts always move. If someone gives him a list of things he ought to be doing, he can tell us whether he's been doing those things or not. (And, you know, ultimately none of our opinions matter. He could be doing everything right and just not reaching his spouse for whatever reasons that are particular to her. Other marriages are huge successes even though one or both of the spouses are doing everything wrong.)

No one is ever doing everything right because no one is perfect. When OPs offer only positive specifics and refuse to acknowledge anything they could do better, they either are being dishonest or are utterly lacking in self-awareness.

Do you or do you not believe sex is an important part of marriage?
- not OP

That's pretty obvious "gotcha" bait. Please explain how your question is relevant to what I said and not an attempt to derail it or twist it into something it's not.

Why are you so angry? Why are you taking this so personally?

OP's wife has had sex with him once a year for 5 years. By what's been described, he seems like a good partner and husband. So why are you placing all blame on him and none on her? Your insistence on attacking him and insisting that there must be something HE'S doing wrong is odd. Her withholding sex is causing major issues in their marriage and I think he has a right to be upset about that.

Im not angry, just not stupid enough to fall for your low-rent "trick." Based on what I posted above, obviously I don't think his wife is blameless either. If she's not here asking for feedback, so I can't talk to her and her own role in the relationship, nor do we know her side. I can only talk to OP about his own role, which he has now acknowledged is also not Pete the but won't discuss candidly. I can't give advice to someone who's not telling us even his full side story, let alone acknowledging what his wife's side might be (or perhaps his lack of knowledge of what it might be).

I dont know what this means. He's acknowledged fault. You obviously think OP's wife is within her rights to withhold sex for 5 years without consequence. I disagree and like a PP, I think he should explain exactly what he's written here and gauge her response. Then he makes a decision with as much info as he can glean.

What specific fault did he acknowledge as contributing to the current dynamic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound impulsive... are you ADHD?

OP here... not that I know of...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it, you wanted to punish her, and maybe she deserves it, but in the end you have to think about if your actions are contributing to the dysfunctions in your relationship or changing things, and by saying what you did, you heightened her insecurities, hurt her feelings, etc. it didn’t help.

OP here. True. It wasn't a script I had written in advance...

I understand. It happens.

Do you want to talk to her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it, you wanted to punish her, and maybe she deserves it, but in the end you have to think about if your actions are contributing to the dysfunctions in your relationship or changing things, and by saying what you did, you heightened her insecurities, hurt her feelings, etc. it didn’t help.

OP here. True. It wasn't a script I had written in advance...

Did you apologize?

[Anonymous]

I never said you had a "mental illness"... do you always read into what people say and in turn act defensive?

You said you have "unrelated issues". I am not sure how YOUR issues can be related it's just a little weird you had to specify that you personally have issues and you can't blame your wife ... of course your issues are NOT RELATED. You have issues. I already know that they are your issues, you don't have to specify that they are "unrelated". Of course the 1st step is admitting YOU have issue you can't blame on others.

You can keep making excuses but if you brag about being out of the house as much as possible when your wife is home but also say you are home all the time when your kids are... you MUST be a magician, or lying or delusional... which sounds like an "unrelated issue".

OP here. I actually never said I was out of the house as much as possible... I said I took effort to do so more often. I've been at home most hours of the day and night for several years, and wanted to get more time doing things for myself that were not related to work or family. That being said, it's still about 2 hours a day on most days... so not really "out of the house as much as possible".

Also... I think the shrink thing freaked you out for some reason. A lot of people go to therapy. So do I. No fault in that. All my comment on it was meant to imply was that some of the reasons I went had to do with our relationship being in crisis, while others did not. I still don't understand why you found issue with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if yiu really feel like you’ve done everything you can, then it’s also up to you to cut ties or keep the status quo. You don’t get to throw a random punch when you feel like it, or for the sake of doing so. It’s like someone saying they only kick their dog once a month, so they’re not an animal abuser.

Your one comment likely moved your relationship back months. That’s not a nice comment, so you probably won’t acknowledge it, but I wonder how many of these needles you’ve stuck into your wife in the past years?

You can be home all you want, go to all the therapy you want, but if you continue to make her feel like sh*t with this kind of thing, you’re only moving backwards.

OP here. You're right about most of it, and I do indeed acknowledge the "not nice" ness of my comment. It would be great if we could all operate in this world at all times as if we never had our feelings hurt, or acted out of instinct. My struggle is not with the fact that I know I'm right, or think I'm entitled to something... but with being hurt myself and yet trying to maneuver through life causing myself and others I love as little damage (and as much joy) as I can. Anyway, I have by now figured out that not hurting the other while trying to avoid being hurt yourself is quite the complicated task... sometimes...

It's not actually hard to be hurt and not turn around and hurt others.

If you think it is complicated or hard, then indeed you need counseling.

OP here. That's just being hurtful. You must have your own reasons for that. That's why everybody needs counseling.

[Anonymous]

Sit down and talk to your wife. From her response, decide whether you want to divorce or live without sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it, you wanted to punish her, and maybe she deserves it, but in the end you have to think about if your actions are contributing to the dysfunctions in your relationship or changing things, and by saying what you did, you heightened her insecurities, hurt her feelings, etc. it didn’t help.

OP here. True. It wasn't a script I had written in advance...

I understand. It happens.

Do you want to talk to her?

OP here. I'm sure talking about it would indeed help. But anything to do with our intimacy issues has been difficult for us to talk about. That's why most marital issues are first and foremost communication issues... unless there are drugs, abuse, or cheating involved... and I don't think there are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sit down and talk to your wife. From her response, decide whether you want to divorce or live without sex.

OP here. The real trick (here... and generally in life) is to create more, and better, options... Good thing talking is good for that too