Told the wife she has no right to demand an answer...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I note that you’re responding positively to the posts that support you, and quite defensively and aggressively to the posts that don’t.

I mean, I do t want to point out that this may be a pattern in your life, but... just saying. Surely you jut realize that your wife has a different perspective than you do, and some of the posts you find disagreeable might actually give you some perspective.

But you’re not looking for that, really, are you?

OP here. I am saying "thank you" to people who are nice... and not so much to those who are not... but my issue isn't with lack of support... It's with people superimposing on to me things that have nothing to do with me. For example, I know a lot of men, and women, spend a lot of time away from home and that raises issues... but that's not our problem. I realize some couples cheat... but that's not it for us either. And while I don't deny having some sort of "midlife crisis" me buying a new car three years ago to replace my (then) 10 year old car was really not the show-sign to any "crisis".

Not to mention that some remarks are said for no other reason than to be mean... your last sentence is probably a good example... isn't it?

[Anonymous]

Repeat poster.. but I only need to refer everyone back to the title of this thread to make it clear how he feels about “the” wife and the situation.

[Anonymous]

He's home for all but 8 hours per week, while his wife works 60+ hours. He contributes to chores and spends time with his kids.

If he was a woman you all would be yelling for him to divorce, and request child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's home for all but 8 hours per week, while his wife works 60+ hours. He contributes to chores and spends time with his kids.

If he was a woman you all would be yelling for him to divorce, and request child support.

OP here. It's never really "just" about time spent at home or at the office... and it's not about that with us either.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you’re being deliberately vague in some of your offerings. Why you are in therapy might be helpful. Do you have an underlying illness or trauma that is likely to affect your relationship?
How are your children being cared for if you are both working?
What is the division of care and chores in your home like?
Any other issues like IL issues or family issues?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, in my mind, absence reminds me I am strong, and capable, and can do it myself, so leave me the F alone if you’re not interested in participating.

When a guy you're not attracted to is around, that only reminds you of why you're not attracted to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Repeat poster.. but I only need to refer everyone back to the title of this thread to make it clear how he feels about “the” wife and the situation.

no one took notice of you the first time because youre just picking on his word choice. if you cant see past that then you must realy be an uptight prune

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's home for all but 8 hours per week, while his wife works 60+ hours. He contributes to chores and spends time with his kids.

If he was a woman you all would be yelling for him to divorce, and request child support.

OP here. It's never really "just" about time spent at home or at the office... and it's not about that with us either.

Of course it's not solely about working hours, but they are contributing to your lack of emotional and physical intimacy. Your wife works too much. She does not have enough time or energy to put into your relationship because she likely prioritizes her free time with the kids, and helping with daily household and self care. You are last. That's how it is for some women. It's not that she doesn't love you, it's just that she doesn't prioritize you because you are a capable adult. It sucks, but it's true. Now you have to decide to wait it out until 1) kids are grown then divorce, 2) she makes your relationship a priority, 3) divorce now, or 4) you discuss an open relationship. Only you and your wife can decide which road to take, and none of those roads are inherently wrong. You may want #2, but she may enjoy life as it is now, that leaves the ball in your court for 1, 3 & 4.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Repeat poster.. but I only need to refer everyone back to the title of this thread to make it clear how he feels about “the” wife and the situation.

no one took notice of you the first time because youre just picking on his word choice. if you cant see past that then you must realy be an uptight prune

I actually didn’t post about this before, so you can clearly see it’s an issue with multiple people. But I’m glad you think people should be called “the” (whatever possessive). Kind of explains the hostility and dismissiveness in your answer, and why you also had to resort to name calling.

[Anonymous]

I get it, you wanted to punish her, and maybe she deserves it, but in the end you have to think about if your actions are contributing to the dysfunctions in your relationship or changing things, and by saying what you did, you heightened her insecurities, hurt her feelings, etc. it didn’t help.

[Anonymous]

So OP works, does more than his share around the house and with kids, and doesn't cheat despite having sex ONCE A YEAR.

I can't believe you are all jumping on him. I feel sorry for your husbands.
- woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's home for all but 8 hours per week, while his wife works 60+ hours. He contributes to chores and spends time with his kids.

If he was a woman you all would be yelling for him to divorce, and request child support.

OP here. It's never really "just" about time spent at home or at the office... and it's not about that with us either.

Of course it's not solely about working hours, but they are contributing to your lack of emotional and physical intimacy. Your wife works too much. She does not have enough time or energy to put into your relationship because she likely prioritizes her free time with the kids, and helping with daily household and self care. You are last. That's how it is for some women. It's not that she doesn't love you, it's just that she doesn't prioritize you because you are a capable adult. It sucks, but it's true. Now you have to decide to wait it out until 1) kids are grown then divorce, 2) she makes your relationship a priority, 3) divorce now, or 4) you discuss an open relationship. Only you and your wife can decide which road to take, and none of those roads are inherently wrong. You may want #2, but she may enjoy life as it is now, that leaves the ball in your court for 1, 3 & 4.

If she were actually attracted to her husband, he would not be "last" he would be "first". When women actually want to have sex, they find a way, no matter how busy or "tired" they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So OP works, does more than his share around the house and with kids, and doesn't cheat despite having sex ONCE A YEAR.

I can't believe you are all jumping on him. I feel sorry for your husbands.
- woman

Is this your first time on DCUM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you’re being deliberately vague in some of your offerings. Why you are in therapy might be helpful. Do you have an underlying illness or trauma that is likely to affect your relationship?
How are your children being cared for if you are both working?
What is the division of care and chores in your home like?
Any other issues like IL issues or family issues?

OP here.
1. I started therapy following our two attempts at couples therapy failed (two different counselors, several months with each) . Thought I'd try and work on me and see if I can improve things with that. Stayed in therapy because it seems that I'm human and do have things I should work out better relating my career, age, life choices, childhood... No mental issues, or extremely big dramas in that area. Other than that, I am healthy both physically and mentally.
2. Our children are being cared for by the both of us. As I've written in other replies, my work is flexible enough that I can be home in the mornings to wake them up, do the routine and send them out. I'm also there when they get home (although the bigger of the two can and does stay on his own every now and then). I do most the cooking and daily chores. My wife is a great and caring mother, and although she works long hours, is there every evening to see the kids to bed. She comes in as early as she can in the afternoons - although that's not always early. We spend weekends together. We do laundry on weekends. We have a made that helps with the cleaning once a week. We have parents that pitch in and help when needed. The house is well run, and there's nothing special about that. Many working parents make it happen.
3. We both care for the kids and do chores. It's not equal (but then again, it never really is). In terms of time and perhaps work... I do more. But that's because I'm privileged enough to have the opportunity. There have been years when she did more. Generally speaking, we share the load and neither of us can take credit for doing it alone. Nor do we want to.
4. No real family of health issues. We did want more children but could not get there... however, we have two healthy kids, and are both in good health. We're not rich by any standard, but we both bring in a good income. We own our home and basically live the life we wanted to live in terms of standard of living.

If there was an obvious underlining reason to our hardships... we probably would have found it. At least with some help. But sometimes relationships of 20+ years are not as easy and obvious as "you" (just a matter of speech) may think... and things go South.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's home for all but 8 hours per week, while his wife works 60+ hours. He contributes to chores and spends time with his kids.

If he was a woman you all would be yelling for him to divorce, and request child support.

OP here. It's never really "just" about time spent at home or at the office... and it's not about that with us either.

Of course it's not solely about working hours, but they are contributing to your lack of emotional and physical intimacy. Your wife works too much. She does not have enough time or energy to put into your relationship because she likely prioritizes her free time with the kids, and helping with daily household and self care. You are last. That's how it is for some women. It's not that she doesn't love you, it's just that she doesn't prioritize you because you are a capable adult. It sucks, but it's true. Now you have to decide to wait it out until 1) kids are grown then divorce, 2) she makes your relationship a priority, 3) divorce now, or 4) you discuss an open relationship. Only you and your wife can decide which road to take, and none of those roads are inherently wrong. You may want #2, but she may enjoy life as it is now, that leaves the ball in your court for 1, 3 & 4.

If she were actually attracted to her husband, he would not be "last" he would be "first". When women actually want to have sex, they find a way, no matter how busy or "tired" they are.

Shhh...women don't actually want men to know this...