How do you not feel guilty when spouse is working and you're not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, SAHMs will be defensive when you ask this question. Accept it and move on.

Personally, I would be very upset if my daughter decided to be a stay at home mom since I have sacrificed a lot for her education. It would be very difficult to think that could have saved all of the time, hours of weekly tutoring in a specialized language, and money. The thought that she wouldn't continue to help break down barriers for WOC in the workplace would be difficult to swallow. We don't think of our boys in the same way.

I don't get your point of view. You worked and sacrificed a lot for your daughter's education. And when you were home, she was going to tutoring for hours per week. Now you expect her to work, and this is why you did all this? What if she wants to be a SAHM? What is she is happy staying home with kids seeing how resentful you sound and doesn't want to be like you? She should break more barriers and you can't swollow it if she doesn't? I can't understand how can a mother be so selfish towards her child. It seems like the only value your DD has to you is if she becomes a prize winning horse, there is no unconditional love that I can see in your post. Parents provide secure growing environment by providing unconditional love and comfort, only in these cases do children become secure and independent grown ups. You don't seem to have provided either. And you could have, no matter if you SAH or WOH. You resent your DD for your life choices, that is clear from your post. I just don't know why? Why can't you just love her, no matter what you think she should do?

I wasn't going to post on this issue because it is such a heated topic, but I understand the PPs point. We think it is fine for our girls to stay home and not fully use their education but it is not something we would contemplate for our boys. DH and I are sacrificing a lot to ensure both of our kids have fully paid college educations, something our parents couldn't give us, and I would be disappointed if my daughter and son decided to opt out of the workforce just because. I love both kids no matter what, but I truly think it is naive to think people don't have hopes and dreams for their children.

I'm with you here. I was raised by a SAHM and while she would say she would be happy whatever our choices, I know that one of her feelings of accomplishment as a parent is having daughters that are educated, working, and successful in our careers. I would be very disappointed to have a child just check out of career life. I wouldn't love them less, but I would look at it as a failure of my own, especially if this was a daughter.

This is your issue, full stop. I cannot handle these absurd helicopter parents who think they get to have a say in their adult children's life choices. Back off - you made your decisions, they get to make theirs. So unhealthy

And she boldly states "espcailly if this was a daughter". The oppressed have become the oppressors. No wonder women are so unhappy. It cannot be easy living with the burdens, fears, insecurities, and scars of the previous generations.

+2. Ridiculous, and very unhealthy

[Anonymous]

You’ve posted on DCUM before, OP. I recognize your flexible job combined with significant personal net worth, etc. You could not imagine being a sahm, blah blah blah. Get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My choice to stay mom was mutual and, frankly, I don't have that much free time. Other than exercising daily, I spend my day taking care of our family and managing the household. I am the family meal planner, cook, errand runner, tutor, scheduler, nurse, budget planner, petsitter, etc. We are a team.

Np: with school-age children, WOHMs and WAH moms do this, too - plus work for a company. This argument is senseless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My choice to stay mom was mutual and, frankly, I don't have that much free time. Other than exercising daily, I spend my day taking care of our family and managing the household. I am the family meal planner, cook, errand runner, tutor, scheduler, nurse, budget planner, petsitter, etc. We are a team.

Np: with school-age children, WOHMs and WAH moms do this, too - plus work for a company. This argument is senseless.

But it isn’t an argument. Ask yourself why you think it is. No one is telling you what you should be doing with your time,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This truly isn't meant to be attacking anyone, and I hope there can be a serious discussion about it.

I work, but due to some weird circumstances have this week basically off. Kids are 4 (full time daycare/preschool) and 7 (camp including aftercare). This post does NOT apply to moms with young kids at home - that I get. This week I've found myself feeling guilty that I can go to the pool and read, see friends, etc while DH is stuck at work. Our situation is unique - I have a significant net worth due to inheritance but prefer to work, and DH has a good but not insane job (the inheritance was able to pay off his loans, our mortgage etc). My job is much more flexible so I'm the default parent, which is totally fine - but he more than pulls his weight.

Do women (or men who stay home) justify this by saying they had to deal with pregnancy etc? Or that the kids might need something during the day? Or that maintaining the household takes the whole day? Or they relax without guilt and I'm the weird one?

Thoughts welcome.

Why would having a week off when my DH didn't make me feel guilty? Not. At. All. Your DH can take vacation time if he wants.

You have a week off. Kids happen to be taken care of. BFD.

Plus, a mom with kids at home IS NOT a week off. You know that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Answer to your question, I don't have any guilt. I always knew I would stay home to raise kids because I did not want some paid stranger doing my job.

My husband agreed and in the early days he worked two jobs. One 8 to 5, one 6 to 10. As far as I know, he never resented me for doing my job. Which BTW was 24/7, 365 days a year. 3 kids. Never ending things needing to be done. When I finally burned out, my husband understood. He did anything he could to help. But being a man, his help sometimes made my job harder. He mostly took the kids to do things on the weekend. My me time consisted of cooking big batches of food and snacks, doing laundry, ironing... In case you need to know we were not well off so outsourcing, the word alone makes me laugh, did not even enter my mind.

He did have outside of the home hobbies one of which included a boat and a hunting rifle.

I was never a feminist nor did I try to make him feel guilty about not being there because quite frankly, I was grateful to have a choice. A choice not many have. I never whined about my chosen life either. The only time I felt guilty was when I got sick.

Some of you are downright lazy, entitled and disrespectful to your man. I wasn't like that. Could be why I had a very good husband.

There are so many awful things about your post I don't even know where to begin...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I can't address everything but I'll do my best. Thanks to those who responded thoughtfully.

Perhaps I didn't articulate myself perfectly, and I appreciate those who took the time to understand what I really meant. A few notes:

- I AM incredibly privileged to have significant net worth (though not to have lost my parents young and tragically), healthy children, and a flexible job. I'd never say otherwise.

- This question is obviously not directed at people who are severely ill, people who are working two jobs to keep the lights on, etc etc. It's directed at healthy, able-bodied, intelligent people.

- None of this comes from my husband. He understands that our financial privilege comes from my side and even if it didn't he wouldn't begrudge me time to relax. He's even said things to me like, hey, we pay for the pool so why not use it?

- I GENUINELY don't know why I feel this way. Part of me is guilty spending money I didn't earn (inheritance) and would like to leave a similar situation for my children (not having to pay for education etc is a blessing, I'm well aware). I even feel guilty looking at like, the cashier at the grocery store or the lifeguard checking me in at the pool and often say things like "left work early today, HAHA!" so they know I work! I admit it's completely weird, and am curious as to whether anyone else is like this.

- As others have said, I DO feel an obligation to use the education that my parents paid for to do good beyond my own walls.

- I can't believe I'm even addressing PP who says I should be a real SAHM (and my kids are school-age, and I never said this post was addressed to those with babies and toddlers at home) ... I work at a nonprofit that helps get poor high school students into meaningful careers, so I'm good with that.

Those of you saying I'm being judgmental really do sound defensive, as this is a truly legitimate question I'm asking. Frankly, I'd love not to feel this way.

OP, it's funny you mention saying that you work - we just moved into an apartment in a new city while our house is being built so I'm meeting new people every day and I've run into the same older gentleman every single day I have worked from home in the middle of the day while taking our dogs out. Today I for some reason blurted out "I work, by the way!" I have no idea why I felt the need to explain this to him. He didn't ask. He probably doesn't care. And I felt like an idiot as soon as I said it. Perhaps it was because my kids were at summer camp so I felt like I wasn't doing anything (although I had been working before taking the dogs out). My mom worked but wasn't what I'd call a feminist, but maybe it's because all my close friends work and it felt weird to me to have someone think I didn't. Like you, I am curious as to why I had that reaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've got three kids 5 and under, one only nine months. I'm on my feet or in the car from 6am until 9pm doing all the normal stuff. Three years ago we bought a trashed foreclosure that I completely transformed inside and out with a lot of my own sweat equity and are we now selling for a $250,000 gain thanks to my hard work. That's a lot of income for a SAHM, certainly more than I would have earned working outside the home. My only break is working out a few times a week thanks to my fitness center having a great babysitting set up. Do I feel guilty? Hell no.

Congratulations on COMPLETELY missing OP's point. Clearly you just wanted someone to give you kudos for being awesome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’ve posted on DCUM before, OP. I recognize your flexible job combined with significant personal net worth, etc. You could not imagine being a sahm, blah blah blah. Get over yourself.

+1000. I especially like the fact that she always emphasizes she doesn’t have to work, doesn’t need the income but works anyway. Great! So does Donald Trump

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’ve posted on DCUM before, OP. I recognize your flexible job combined with significant personal net worth, etc. You could not imagine being a sahm, blah blah blah. Get over yourself.

+1000. I especially like the fact that she always emphasizes she doesn’t have to work, doesn’t need the income but works anyway. Great! So does Donald Trump

And equally full of themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’ve posted on DCUM before, OP. I recognize your flexible job combined with significant personal net worth, etc. You could not imagine being a sahm, blah blah blah. Get over yourself.

Yes!! Thank you. Perhaps you need to ramp up the job or find some other worthwhile activities to fill your days, because this particular "hobby" is pretty lame and uninteresting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I can't address everything but I'll do my best. Thanks to those who responded thoughtfully.

Perhaps I didn't articulate myself perfectly, and I appreciate those who took the time to understand what I really meant. A few notes:

- I AM incredibly privileged to have significant net worth (though not to have lost my parents young and tragically), healthy children, and a flexible job. I'd never say otherwise.

- This question is obviously not directed at people who are severely ill, people who are working two jobs to keep the lights on, etc etc. It's directed at healthy, able-bodied, intelligent people.

- None of this comes from my husband. He understands that our financial privilege comes from my side and even if it didn't he wouldn't begrudge me time to relax. He's even said things to me like, hey, we pay for the pool so why not use it?

- I GENUINELY don't know why I feel this way. Part of me is guilty spending money I didn't earn (inheritance) and would like to leave a similar situation for my children (not having to pay for education etc is a blessing, I'm well aware). I even feel guilty looking at like, the cashier at the grocery store or the lifeguard checking me in at the pool and often say things like "left work early today, HAHA!" so they know I work! I admit it's completely weird, and am curious as to whether anyone else is like this.

- As others have said, I DO feel an obligation to use the education that my parents paid for to do good beyond my own walls.

- I can't believe I'm even addressing PP who says I should be a real SAHM (and my kids are school-age, and I never said this post was addressed to those with babies and toddlers at home) ... I work at a nonprofit that helps get poor high school students into meaningful careers, so I'm good with that.

Those of you saying I'm being judgmental really do sound defensive, as this is a truly legitimate question I'm asking. Frankly, I'd love not to feel this way.

OP, it's funny you mention saying that you work - we just moved into an apartment in a new city while our house is being built so I'm meeting new people every day and I've run into the same older gentleman every single day I have worked from home in the middle of the day while taking our dogs out. Today I for some reason blurted out "I work, by the way!" I have no idea why I felt the need to explain this to him. He didn't ask. He probably doesn't care. And I felt like an idiot as soon as I said it. Perhaps it was because my kids were at summer camp so I felt like I wasn't doing anything (although I had been working before taking the dogs out). My mom worked but wasn't what I'd call a feminist, but maybe it's because all my close friends work and it felt weird to me to have someone think I didn't. Like you, I am curious as to why I had that reaction.

Hmm...I am the opposite. I am a mother of four, and I work 32 hours a week in a busy doctors office where I see seriously ill patients all day long in 10-15 minute appointments. When I go to get my hair cut or find myself getting lunch alone on a day off, I like to pretend that I have no worries and spend my days engaging in hobbies, reading, and relaxing by the pool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get where you're coming from. Honestly, I think most of the people who jumped all over you are jealous. I've always said to my husband that I could never be a stay at home mom because I do think he'd start to resent me. I have male friends who bitch about their wives who stay at home spending their money and doing nothing all day, so this does in fact happen. I'm happy for all the people who have found the right balance that allows each parent to play to their strengths and have a solid marriage, but to act like there is no one out there who resents their spouse that doesn't work is ridiculous. OP, for this week, just kick back and enjoy yourself.

Sounds like married a crappy guy. Beta.

[Anonymous]

Why send the kids away this week? Why not BE WITH them?

Why don't you share your inheritance? I shared my inheritance, so I'm not richer than my spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why send the kids away this week? Why not BE WITH them?

Why don't you share your inheritance? I shared my inheritance, so I'm not richer than my spouse.

Can you answer this, OP?