How do you not feel guilty when spouse is working and you're not?

[Anonymous]

Your kids are not school aged. They are 7 and 4, and you ship them out to camp and aftercare every day.
If you actually had them at home with you, then you would feel differently about “not working.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, SAHMs will be defensive when you ask this question. Accept it and move on.

Personally, I would be very upset if my daughter decided to be a stay at home mom since I have sacrificed a lot for her education. It would be very difficult to think that could have saved all of the time, hours of weekly tutoring in a specialized language, and money. The thought that she wouldn't continue to help break down barriers for WOC in the workplace would be difficult to swallow. We don't think of our boys in the same way.

I don't get your point of view. You worked and sacrificed a lot for your daughter's education. And when you were home, she was going to tutoring for hours per week. Now you expect her to work, and this is why you did all this? What if she wants to be a SAHM? What is she is happy staying home with kids seeing how resentful you sound and doesn't want to be like you? She should break more barriers and you can't swollow it if she doesn't? I can't understand how can a mother be so selfish towards her child. It seems like the only value your DD has to you is if she becomes a prize winning horse, there is no unconditional love that I can see in your post. Parents provide secure growing environment by providing unconditional love and comfort, only in these cases do children become secure and independent grown ups. You don't seem to have provided either. And you could have, no matter if you SAH or WOH. You resent your DD for your life choices, that is clear from your post. I just don't know why? Why can't you just love her, no matter what you think she should do?

I wasn't going to post on this issue because it is such a heated topic, but I understand the PPs point. We think it is fine for our girls to stay home and not fully use their education but it is not something we would contemplate for our boys. DH and I are sacrificing a lot to ensure both of our kids have fully paid college educations, something our parents couldn't give us, and I would be disappointed if my daughter and son decided to opt out of the workforce just because. I love both kids no matter what, but I truly think it is naive to think people don't have hopes and dreams for their children.

Thanks for getting it. Unfortunately, some just don't.

I’d be totally fine with my son being the primary caretaker for his kids.

[Anonymous]

I’ve learned to not feel guilty over things that men would not feel guilty over.

My DH often guilt tripped me after our DD was born that I wasn’t working and that the house wasn’t 100% spotless at all time. He would even intentionally not clean up his own messes because he figured I had nothing else to do all day. When DD was 6 months, I got a part time job (in the evenings/weekends, plus a couple hours from home each day) because he constantly complained I didn’t work. During the time I was working, DH sat at home doing nothing all day long. Didn’t clean, didn’t cook. I would get home at 8-9pm to a giant mess and he’d ask what I was going to make for dinner. He didn’t feel guilty about not cleaning or cooking, didn’t feel guilty that I was working close to 40 hours a week for a small fraction of his salary, didn’t feel guilty that I was expected to do all the housework and childcare despite working almost as much as he did, didn’t feel guilty that I was losing my mind from all the stress.

And it’s not just my DH. Most men do not feel guilty over their wants. I see men who don’t lift a finger when their parents visit and let the women do everything, men who ignore their family so they can play on their phone, men who trash the workplace because someone else will clean it up, men who would spend a week off from work doing nothing besides watch tv and play video games. Of course not all men are like this, but many are. Women are socialized to care about what others think and feel, men aren’t. Once I figured out men don’t feel guilty about these things, I decided I shouldn’t, either.

[Anonymous]

I work less than my husband, and the fact is, we have different personalities. I have tried in various ways for 10 years to give him more "down time" and he WILL NOT TAKE IT. He likes/needs to be busy, or at least more so than me. In general, I am a very responsible person and good at what I do, but compared to my husband I just don't get as much done. Then again, very, very few people get as much done as he does. I've made peace with it and stopped trying to force him to cut things out. I do what I can to lighten the load but I don't apologize for not being as busy as he is. I'd be miserable, and he gets that. There's no way he could live with someone as type A as he is. And he gets that too.

[Anonymous]

Heck no! My DH can easily afford to retire but chooses not to though I'm working hard to get him to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do I feel guilty? No. DH obviously feels lucky to be married to me and will bankroll this gravy train I am on. Maybe its my beauty, maybe its my personality but I am not slaving away no more in the American workplace.

If I get equal pay as male workers, paid maternity leave, non-hostile and non-sexist work environment, work flexibility and ability to telecommute, supportive coworkers and boss, no sexual harrassment, no mommy track, interesting work and a chance to climb the corporate ladder based on the quality of work, I will think about going back to work for pay. In the meanwhile, I got a high earner and a great marriage - I am staying right on my sofa eating kale and bonbons.

I completely agree with you. It's your choice to make.

OP and all the other judgmental closeminded WOHMs on this borad do not speak for any working mom that I know.

The people who can not hack it in the work place or in life always has a ready excuse. Oh life is hard, I did not get the promotion because of sexism....let me give up...I will marry a male oppressor, stay on my sofa and post about how hard and unfair the real world is because of all the male oppression..though you know it’s not them it’s you...you just could not hack....bet you are one of those emotional labor posters. Let’s face it, if a male was in your place you would be the first to call him a loser. Take a hard look at your life and know your husband married a quitter who thinks she is entitled to everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve learned to not feel guilty over things that men would not feel guilty over.

My DH often guilt tripped me after our DD was born that I wasn’t working and that the house wasn’t 100% spotless at all time. He would even intentionally not clean up his own messes because he figured I had nothing else to do all day. When DD was 6 months, I got a part time job (in the evenings/weekends, plus a couple hours from home each day) because he constantly complained I didn’t work. During the time I was working, DH sat at home doing nothing all day long. Didn’t clean, didn’t cook. I would get home at 8-9pm to a giant mess and he’d ask what I was going to make for dinner. He didn’t feel guilty about not cleaning or cooking, didn’t feel guilty that I was working close to 40 hours a week for a small fraction of his salary, didn’t feel guilty that I was expected to do all the housework and childcare despite working almost as much as he did, didn’t feel guilty that I was losing my mind from all the stress.

And it’s not just my DH. Most men do not feel guilty over their wants. I see men who don’t lift a finger when their parents visit and let the women do everything, men who ignore their family so they can play on their phone, men who trash the workplace because someone else will clean it up, men who would spend a week off from work doing nothing besides watch tv and play video games. Of course not all men are like this, but many are. Women are socialized to care about what others think and feel, men aren’t. Once I figured out men don’t feel guilty about these things, I decided I shouldn’t, either.

Your husband is a total asshole. Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do I feel guilty? No. DH obviously feels lucky to be married to me and will bankroll this gravy train I am on. Maybe its my beauty, maybe its my personality but I am not slaving away no more in the American workplace.

If I get equal pay as male workers, paid maternity leave, non-hostile and non-sexist work environment, work flexibility and ability to telecommute, supportive coworkers and boss, no sexual harrassment, no mommy track, interesting work and a chance to climb the corporate ladder based on the quality of work, I will think about going back to work for pay. In the meanwhile, I got a high earner and a great marriage - I am staying right on my sofa eating kale and bonbons.

I completely agree with you. It's your choice to make.

OP and all the other judgmental closeminded WOHMs on this borad do not speak for any working mom that I know.

The people who can not hack it in the work place or in life always has a ready excuse. Oh life is hard, I did not get the promotion because of sexism....let me give up...I will marry a male oppressor, stay on my sofa and post about how hard and unfair the real world is because of all the male oppression..though you know it’s not them it’s you...you just could not hack....bet you are one of those emotional labor posters. Let’s face it, if a male was in your place you would be the first to call him a loser. Take a hard look at your life and know your husband married a quitter who thinks she is entitled to everything.

Do you ever ask— why am I so bitter? Because your level of hate for strangers really is not normal. Some aspect of your life is turning you into a miserable person. Maybe therapy will help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do I feel guilty? No. DH obviously feels lucky to be married to me and will bankroll this gravy train I am on. Maybe its my beauty, maybe its my personality but I am not slaving away no more in the American workplace.

If I get equal pay as male workers, paid maternity leave, non-hostile and non-sexist work environment, work flexibility and ability to telecommute, supportive coworkers and boss, no sexual harrassment, no mommy track, interesting work and a chance to climb the corporate ladder based on the quality of work, I will think about going back to work for pay. In the meanwhile, I got a high earner and a great marriage - I am staying right on my sofa eating kale and bonbons.

I completely agree with you. It's your choice to make.

OP and all the other judgmental closeminded WOHMs on this borad do not speak for any working mom that I know.

The people who can not hack it in the work place or in life always has a ready excuse. Oh life is hard, I did not get the promotion because of sexism....let me give up...I will marry a male oppressor, stay on my sofa and post about how hard and unfair the real world is because of all the male oppression..though you know it’s not them it’s you...you just could not hack....bet you are one of those emotional labor posters. Let’s face it, if a male was in your place you would be the first to call him a loser. Take a hard look at your life and know your husband married a quitter who thinks she is entitled to everything.

Newsflash: Some spouses are actually supportive of a stay at home spouse. It's very typical in south Asia which is where my husband grew up. Most of you need to get a life. Find something better to do with your time.

[Anonymous]

I care about my children, male or female, contributing to the world in some way- it may be as a stay at home parent, a volunteer, a paid job, something else, or some combination. It’s very short-sighted to find value only in paid employment. The world is so much bigger than the economy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do I feel guilty? No. DH obviously feels lucky to be married to me and will bankroll this gravy train I am on. Maybe its my beauty, maybe its my personality but I am not slaving away no more in the American workplace.

If I get equal pay as male workers, paid maternity leave, non-hostile and non-sexist work environment, work flexibility and ability to telecommute, supportive coworkers and boss, no sexual harrassment, no mommy track, interesting work and a chance to climb the corporate ladder based on the quality of work, I will think about going back to work for pay. In the meanwhile, I got a high earner and a great marriage - I am staying right on my sofa eating kale and bonbons.

I completely agree with you. It's your choice to make.

OP and all the other judgmental closeminded WOHMs on this borad do not speak for any working mom that I know.

The people who can not hack it in the work place or in life always has a ready excuse. Oh life is hard, I did not get the promotion because of sexism....let me give up...I will marry a male oppressor, stay on my sofa and post about how hard and unfair the real world is because of all the male oppression..though you know it’s not them it’s you...you just could not hack....bet you are one of those emotional labor posters. Let’s face it, if a male was in your place you would be the first to call him a loser. Take a hard look at your life and know your husband married a quitter who thinks she is entitled to everything.

Do you ever ask— why am I so bitter? Because your level of hate for strangers really is not normal. Some aspect of your life is turning you into a miserable person. Maybe therapy will help.

+1 Super odd and bitter. This is not the mark of a happy person

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, SAHMs will be defensive when you ask this question. Accept it and move on.

Personally, I would be very upset if my daughter decided to be a stay at home mom since I have sacrificed a lot for her education. It would be very difficult to think that could have saved all of the time, hours of weekly tutoring in a specialized language, and money. The thought that she wouldn't continue to help break down barriers for WOC in the workplace would be difficult to swallow. We don't think of our boys in the same way.

I don't get your point of view. You worked and sacrificed a lot for your daughter's education. And when you were home, she was going to tutoring for hours per week. Now you expect her to work, and this is why you did all this? What if she wants to be a SAHM? What is she is happy staying home with kids seeing how resentful you sound and doesn't want to be like you? She should break more barriers and you can't swollow it if she doesn't? I can't understand how can a mother be so selfish towards her child. It seems like the only value your DD has to you is if she becomes a prize winning horse, there is no unconditional love that I can see in your post. Parents provide secure growing environment by providing unconditional love and comfort, only in these cases do children become secure and independent grown ups. You don't seem to have provided either. And you could have, no matter if you SAH or WOH. You resent your DD for your life choices, that is clear from your post. I just don't know why? Why can't you just love her, no matter what you think she should do?

I wasn't going to post on this issue because it is such a heated topic, but I understand the PPs point. We think it is fine for our girls to stay home and not fully use their education but it is not something we would contemplate for our boys. DH and I are sacrificing a lot to ensure both of our kids have fully paid college educations, something our parents couldn't give us, and I would be disappointed if my daughter and son decided to opt out of the workforce just because. I love both kids no matter what, but I truly think it is naive to think people don't have hopes and dreams for their children.

I'm with you here. I was raised by a SAHM and while she would say she would be happy whatever our choices, I know that one of her feelings of accomplishment as a parent is having daughters that are educated, working, and successful in our careers. I would be very disappointed to have a child just check out of career life. I wouldn't love them less, but I would look at it as a failure of my own, especially if this was a daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems like OP and some of the WOHMs posting here need to get a job, need to get a life and stop being so jealous of other people's lives.


If you are fulfilled and happy then you would not give a rat's ass about other people lives.

This!

Reality is in a lot of ways it sucks to be a working mom, and this is the outlet zone people have chosen for their unhappiness. Unfortunately, it doesn't ACTUALLY make you feel better. Log off and work on your own happiness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, SAHMs will be defensive when you ask this question. Accept it and move on.

Personally, I would be very upset if my daughter decided to be a stay at home mom since I have sacrificed a lot for her education. It would be very difficult to think that could have saved all of the time, hours of weekly tutoring in a specialized language, and money. The thought that she wouldn't continue to help break down barriers for WOC in the workplace would be difficult to swallow. We don't think of our boys in the same way.

I don't get your point of view. You worked and sacrificed a lot for your daughter's education. And when you were home, she was going to tutoring for hours per week. Now you expect her to work, and this is why you did all this? What if she wants to be a SAHM? What is she is happy staying home with kids seeing how resentful you sound and doesn't want to be like you? She should break more barriers and you can't swollow it if she doesn't? I can't understand how can a mother be so selfish towards her child. It seems like the only value your DD has to you is if she becomes a prize winning horse, there is no unconditional love that I can see in your post. Parents provide secure growing environment by providing unconditional love and comfort, only in these cases do children become secure and independent grown ups. You don't seem to have provided either. And you could have, no matter if you SAH or WOH. You resent your DD for your life choices, that is clear from your post. I just don't know why? Why can't you just love her, no matter what you think she should do?

I wasn't going to post on this issue because it is such a heated topic, but I understand the PPs point. We think it is fine for our girls to stay home and not fully use their education but it is not something we would contemplate for our boys. DH and I are sacrificing a lot to ensure both of our kids have fully paid college educations, something our parents couldn't give us, and I would be disappointed if my daughter and son decided to opt out of the workforce just because. I love both kids no matter what, but I truly think it is naive to think people don't have hopes and dreams for their children.

I'm with you here. I was raised by a SAHM and while she would say she would be happy whatever our choices, I know that one of her feelings of accomplishment as a parent is having daughters that are educated, working, and successful in our careers. I would be very disappointed to have a child just check out of career life. I wouldn't love them less, but I would look at it as a failure of my own, especially if this was a daughter.

This is your issue, full stop. I cannot handle these absurd helicopter parents who think they get to have a say in their adult children's life choices. Back off - you made your decisions, they get to make theirs. So unhealthy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, SAHMs will be defensive when you ask this question. Accept it and move on.

Personally, I would be very upset if my daughter decided to be a stay at home mom since I have sacrificed a lot for her education. It would be very difficult to think that could have saved all of the time, hours of weekly tutoring in a specialized language, and money. The thought that she wouldn't continue to help break down barriers for WOC in the workplace would be difficult to swallow. We don't think of our boys in the same way.

I don't get your point of view. You worked and sacrificed a lot for your daughter's education. And when you were home, she was going to tutoring for hours per week. Now you expect her to work, and this is why you did all this? What if she wants to be a SAHM? What is she is happy staying home with kids seeing how resentful you sound and doesn't want to be like you? She should break more barriers and you can't swollow it if she doesn't? I can't understand how can a mother be so selfish towards her child. It seems like the only value your DD has to you is if she becomes a prize winning horse, there is no unconditional love that I can see in your post. Parents provide secure growing environment by providing unconditional love and comfort, only in these cases do children become secure and independent grown ups. You don't seem to have provided either. And you could have, no matter if you SAH or WOH. You resent your DD for your life choices, that is clear from your post. I just don't know why? Why can't you just love her, no matter what you think she should do?

I wasn't going to post on this issue because it is such a heated topic, but I understand the PPs point. We think it is fine for our girls to stay home and not fully use their education but it is not something we would contemplate for our boys. DH and I are sacrificing a lot to ensure both of our kids have fully paid college educations, something our parents couldn't give us, and I would be disappointed if my daughter and son decided to opt out of the workforce just because. I love both kids no matter what, but I truly think it is naive to think people don't have hopes and dreams for their children.

I'm with you here. I was raised by a SAHM and while she would say she would be happy whatever our choices, I know that one of her feelings of accomplishment as a parent is having daughters that are educated, working, and successful in our careers. I would be very disappointed to have a child just check out of career life. I wouldn't love them less, but I would look at it as a failure of my own, especially if this was a daughter.

This is your issue, full stop. I cannot handle these absurd helicopter parents who think they get to have a say in their adult children's life choices. Back off - you made your decisions, they get to make theirs. So unhealthy

And she boldly states "espcailly if this was a daughter". The oppressed have become the oppressors. No wonder women are so unhappy. It cannot be easy living with the burdens, fears, insecurities, and scars of the previous generations.