Great life, great wife, but I'm unhappy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You realize that you are just re-enacting what your father did? It entered your subconscious that this is how men are supposed to behave and you are trying to mimic it.

It would probably be helpful to find some positive male influence, especially from older men.

Yep, not a great role model for adult relationships/marriage, right?

My sister also has issues with her husband around his use of alcohol, which she says stems from the way our Dad drank when we were kids.

OP, you HAVE to get HONEST. Get a journal. What are the positive attributes of your wife? What are the positive aspects of your life/marriage? What was positive and negative about being single? Who is the "one that got away"? Why was she more special than you consider your wife, now? (Realize single relationships with no kids/mortgage are different than marriage with kids)Why should you get divorced? How will your kids feel? How will you feel when your wife dates & may even find a "replacement" for you? Honestly describe your parents marriage. Did your mom know about your dad? How did you know what he was doing? Are you mad/upset with your dad? How do you feel about your mom? WHAT CAN YOU DO TO IMPROVE YOUR LIFE, YOUR KIDS' LIVES AND YOUR WIFE'S LIFE?

You have gotten a lot of suggestions/help, but you can not "fix" or find solutions if you can not identify the real issues. Maybe writing can help you figure out what is really going on or help you see things from a different viewpoint, then therapy can help. You intellectually know divorce will not make things easier.
If you can't figure it out, "fake it til you make it"- focus on making your kids & wife happier, then maybe it will in turn, help you too. Best

I have been keeping a journal the last few years but ONLY when I'm feeling bad, so I've been consciously trying to write in it when I feel good too. The last time I wrote, which was last month and I was feeling really good I wrote "next time you feel depressed, know it will pass. don't leave and don't despair, [wife's name] is not the issue."

As far as positive aspects... everything is right with my life and marriage... which is why this unsettled feeling is so frustrating to me. I am not lacking anything.

I asked my mom recently why she stayed with my Dad with all he put her through and she said "I had nowhere to go." The worst thing I remember about my Dad is him kissing another woman at a party in front of me and my mom and my sister. I love my Dad, but things like this from my childhood still really hurt me. I've tried to talk to him but he's in denial he ever did anything wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I know someone like you. He's uprooted multiple relationships and moved around jobs and locations. As soon as he gets what he thinks he wants, he's immediately restless, wanting more, finding reasons to be dissatisfied. There's always something he's longing for that's just out of reach. He is never, ever satisfied. He is an intelligent person and I don't know how he doesn't see that the thing he is missing is inside himself.

Don't throw away your life and ruin several others just to end up feeling the exact same way in a few years. Wherever you go, there you are.

I know, I've walked away from at least 6 relationships because of the feeling of being suffocated by them. I don't regret it now; there's no one "that got away" but I know I really hurt these girls, who did not deserve it.

[Anonymous]

PPs are giving you a hard time, OP, but I don't think what you're feeling is that uncommon. The PP who mentioned existential angst is right on. I have these "what if" feelings, too, and I know my DH does as well. He sounds similar to you, actually, in that he suffers from cyclical depressive episodes where he questions if he made the right decision by marrying me and having children. However, he's steadfast in that he loves us completely and would never leave us. But still, I know he feels this same unsettled feeling. It's the whole "the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." Some of us are just ruminative SOBs.

Do you discuss your feelings with your wife? My DH and I talk about these feelings all the time. We acknowledge that the life we've made together is a choice we keep making for ourselves and our children. The other thing I recommend is reading up on and starting a mindfulness practice. Jon Kabat-Zinn is a great, low-pressure place to start.

[Anonymous]

As a dad, I dont understand how you got thru that whole explanation in your original post and discussed your feelings and your wife but didn't mention the children beyond their existence. To that, all can can ask is wtf is wrong with you?

You are supposed to be a man. If you didn't want children, there is a simple procedure that could have taken care of that and you would have no worries. You created one child, which you seem to view as a mistake and then made 2 more. Why would you do that if you didn't want to be a father?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PPs are giving you a hard time, OP, but I don't think what you're feeling is that uncommon. The PP who mentioned existential angst is right on. I have these "what if" feelings, too, and I know my DH does as well. He sounds similar to you, actually, in that he suffers from cyclical depressive episodes where he questions if he made the right decision by marrying me and having children. However, he's steadfast in that he loves us completely and would never leave us. But still, I know he feels this same unsettled feeling. It's the whole "the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." Some of us are just ruminative SOBs.

Do you discuss your feelings with your wife? My DH and I talk about these feelings all the time. We acknowledge that the life we've made together is a choice we keep making for ourselves and our children. The other thing I recommend is reading up on and starting a mindfulness practice. Jon Kabat-Zinn is a great, low-pressure place to start.

Thank you. I've discussed very very briefly with my wife what the issue is, but obviously I don't want to upset her and have HER feel unsettled too, like "is he going to leave us?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a dad, I dont understand how you got thru that whole explanation in your original post and discussed your feelings and your wife but didn't mention the children beyond their existence. To that, all can can ask is wtf is wrong with you?

You are supposed to be a man. If you didn't want children, there is a simple procedure that could have taken care of that and you would have no worries. You created one child, which you seem to view as a mistake and then made 2 more. Why would you do that if you didn't want to be a father?

No I never said I don't want my children. I love my children more than anything in the world. I would die for each of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It's important to note though that I only feel like this during the 6-8 week depressive episodes I have 3-4 times a year, and the rest of the time I'm pretty happy and content and love my wife. But I wonder if the depression comes out of some discontent for my current situation.

I've been to different counselors and therapists over the years, and take anti-depressants. I've done a LOT of work on myself and have made some real strides, however this nagging feeling keeps popping up that this isn't right for me.

I welcome all criticism.

Three eight week depressive episodes per year is just about half the year! A lot of time to be miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The other thing I recommend is reading up on and starting a mindfulness practice. Jon Kabat-Zinn is a great, low-pressure place to start.

Yes, I've done a lot of reading on mindfulness. Admittedly I haven't put a lot of it into practice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have these "what if" feelings, too, and I know my DH does as well. He sounds similar to you, actually, in that he suffers from cyclical depressive episodes where he questions if he made the right decision by marrying me and having children.

How does it make you feel to know he has these doubts about you? Does it make you feel not good enough or like something's wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a dad, I dont understand how you got thru that whole explanation in your original post and discussed your feelings and your wife but didn't mention the children beyond their existence. To that, all can can ask is wtf is wrong with you?

You are supposed to be a man. If you didn't want children, there is a simple procedure that could have taken care of that and you would have no worries. You created one child, which you seem to view as a mistake and then made 2 more. Why would you do that if you didn't want to be a father?

No I never said I don't want my children. I love my children more than anything in the world. I would die for each of them.

Well, if that's the case, why are you fantasizing about leaving them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a dad, I dont understand how you got thru that whole explanation in your original post and discussed your feelings and your wife but didn't mention the children beyond their existence. To that, all can can ask is wtf is wrong with you?

You are supposed to be a man. If you didn't want children, there is a simple procedure that could have taken care of that and you would have no worries. You created one child, which you seem to view as a mistake and then made 2 more. Why would you do that if you didn't want to be a father?

No I never said I don't want my children. I love my children more than anything in the world. I would die for each of them.

Well, if that's the case, why are you fantasizing about leaving them?

Because I think I'm unhappy in my marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a dad, I dont understand how you got thru that whole explanation in your original post and discussed your feelings and your wife but didn't mention the children beyond their existence. To that, all can can ask is wtf is wrong with you?

You are supposed to be a man. If you didn't want children, there is a simple procedure that could have taken care of that and you would have no worries. You created one child, which you seem to view as a mistake and then made 2 more. Why would you do that if you didn't want to be a father?

No I never said I don't want my children. I love my children more than anything in the world. I would die for each of them.

Well, if that's the case, why are you fantasizing about leaving them?

Because I think I'm unhappy in my marriage.

The best gift you can give your children is to cultivate a good relationship with your wife.

What have you done to spend time with her lately? When was your last Date Night?

It sounds like you are too busy focusing on yourself rather than putting any effort into her. I really feel sorry for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The best gift you can give your children is to cultivate a good relationship with your wife.

What have you done to spend time with her lately? When was your last Date Night?

It sounds like you are too busy focusing on yourself rather than putting any effort into her. I really feel sorry for her.

Nothing one-on-one for a while.

We do things as a family regularly though, if that counts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is a troll. This is a woman swapping sexes to conceal her story. No man would write something like this.

We actually know people like this - the dad freaked out and went away to a foreign country for 6 years because he didn’t want a kid.
He then came back and picked up where he left off and was a good dad. Crazy town but it worked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PPs are giving you a hard time, OP, but I don't think what you're feeling is that uncommon. The PP who mentioned existential angst is right on. I have these "what if" feelings, too, and I know my DH does as well. He sounds similar to you, actually, in that he suffers from cyclical depressive episodes where he questions if he made the right decision by marrying me and having children. However, he's steadfast in that he loves us completely and would never leave us. But still, I know he feels this same unsettled feeling. It's the whole "the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." Some of us are just ruminative SOBs.

Do you discuss your feelings with your wife? My DH and I talk about these feelings all the time. We acknowledge that the life we've made together is a choice we keep making for ourselves and our children. The other thing I recommend is reading up on and starting a mindfulness practice. Jon Kabat-Zinn is a great, low-pressure place to start.

Thank you. I've discussed very very briefly with my wife what the issue is, but obviously I don't want to upset her and have HER feel unsettled too, like "is he going to leave us?"

Why do you think that? I ask because this sounds pretty patronizing unless she has expressed fears of you leaving.