At what point does a favor become a burden?

[Anonymous]

OP, you said you and your neighbor live in a gated community. That indicates to me that this family can afford to hire help with the morning madness. With newborn twins and two other kids to get ready and off to school in the morning, I bet they could really use a part time nanny in the mornings to get their family together, at least for a six month time span or so.

I am not a naturally diplomatic person, but I would want to approach twin mom and ask if they have considered hiring someone to help them out in the mornings. Act all sympathetic about the craziness they must be enduring right now. Maybe twin mom will get the hint that it is time to think about hiring someone instead of expecting your to continually help her out.

If she doesn't get the hint, then I would tell her I would be willing to do this favor for 6 weeks only. Give a specific end date. Tell her you have commitments and that this favor you have been doing for her for several weeks is having a negative impact on your job and that you are not willing to put your job in jeopardy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, can't you see if another neighbor can take another month? That way you are both getting out of it, and helping the mom out.

"Larla, I'm not able to take the kids to the bus stop after Nov 10, but Larlita said she could do it until Christmas."

OK, I appoint you Larlita, please report for duty. Oh, and Larlita, can you pick up dry cleaning and wash the floors too. It's just 10 minutes here and there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op think about it. Even if it's minorly annoying, and I believe it is, is it SO inconvenient you cang just help out a fellow mom who now has TWO newborns to deal with? For you it's maybe 10 minutes. What would it take for her to get the kids AND the babies in the car every morning? Isn't it better for the older kids to not feel rushed and chaotic because mom isn't wrangling two screaming hungry babies to get them to school?

Sometimes being a good helpful person means you just suck it up and do the annoying thing that has a tiny impact on your life but is a HUGE deal for someone else. This is one of those times.

so for how many years do you suggest OP keeps doing this? perhaps she should take on the twins as well, when the time comes.

Right, because helping a new mom through the immediate post partum period with TWINS is the same thing as adopting her kids in a couple years.

People in this area are such assholes, I sometimes forget. Heaven forbid you ever did a kind thing for someone else.

People are not assholes. Being an adult and reproducing involves planning - if OP could never ever do it to begin with due to her own logistics, what was the plan? To pin it on another neighbor? You can't count on other people stopping in their tracks to do a "kind thing" for you for weeks and weeks. That kind thing is called "childcare". It's a service, it has a cost. If you're living in a gated community and having 4 kids, random strangers cannot be your life plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am shocked that everyone is attacking OP. I think you are being taken advantage of and, I don't know about the rest of y'all, but ten minutes in the morning is a lot.

Tell her that you can give her another week, but then your schedule is changing.

It was nice of you to do it for three weeks!

Agree

[Anonymous]

Has your neighbor expressed any gratitude? Even a saying a genuine "thank you" or a wave from the door step each morning as you pick up your neighbor's kids ?

Thanksgivingbreak is coming up. Tell her that you can commit until then. The natural long break in school/home life routine should give the neighbor enough time to figure out her kids/family morning routine.

Where is the neighbor's dh? Is he not able to drop off his own kids at school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has your neighbor expressed any gratitude? Even a saying a genuine "thank you" or a wave from the door step each morning as you pick up your neighbor's kids ?

Thanksgivingbreak is coming up. Tell her that you can commit until then. The natural long break in school/home life routine should give the neighbor enough time to figure out her kids/family morning routine.

Where is the neighbor's dh? Is he not able to drop off his own kids at school?

OP-- where is the dad???

To the bolded: That's another month! Nah- I would give her a week, tops.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op think about it. Even if it's minorly annoying, and I believe it is, is it SO inconvenient you cang just help out a fellow mom who now has TWO newborns to deal with? For you it's maybe 10 minutes. What would it take for her to get the kids AND the babies in the car every morning? Isn't it better for the older kids to not feel rushed and chaotic because mom isn't wrangling two screaming hungry babies to get them to school?

Sometimes being a good helpful person means you just suck it up and do the annoying thing that has a tiny impact on your life but is a HUGE deal for someone else. This is one of those times.

so for how many years do you suggest OP keeps doing this? perhaps she should take on the twins as well, when the time comes.

Right, because helping a new mom through the immediate post partum period with TWINS is the same thing as adopting her kids in a couple years.

People in this area are such assholes, I sometimes forget. Heaven forbid you ever did a kind thing for someone else.

People are not assholes. Being an adult and reproducing involves planning - if OP could never ever do it to begin with due to her own logistics, what was the plan? To pin it on another neighbor? You can't count on other people stopping in their tracks to do a "kind thing" for you for weeks and weeks. That kind thing is called "childcare". It's a service, it has a cost. If you're living in a gated community and having 4 kids, random strangers cannot be your life plan.

Yes!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, at least I understand why so many on DCUM are crying that they don't have any friends.

I would much rather have OP than the user twin mom as my friend.

WE ARE ALL USERS 3 weeks after giving birth. We have every right to be, that shit is HARD. I've seen half of you swear all you did in the newborn stage was lay on the couch and snuggle and eat and breastfeed so knock it off acting like you've never needed help.

sorry i was not a user. it was just my husband and me, no other help.

This, my husband and I handled it ourselves. And it was hard a times but I could never have asked for a favor like that beyond say one particular day where there was some complicating factor. But every day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. The entitlement on this thread is breathtaking. I literally gasped in shock at some of the responses here.

I have two kids. Nobody helped us with them. We have no family in this country, and since we moved around different countries/states several times in recent years, no local friends to help either. Was it hard? Yes. Do I wish I had help? Yes. Did I consider for even a single second going to a neighbor and suggesting that I dump my kids onto them for 'just' 10 mins a day? No. With no pay? No. For weeks on end with the expectation to continue indefinitely? HELL NO.

I really, really want 4 kids. Always have. I think about it often. My time is ticking and I know that it's getting less and less likely. But we just can't do it right now. We wouldn't be able to handle it. I know that things would get much easier when they're older, but two is all we can handle right now. I'm sad about it every day. But it wouldn't occur to me in a million years to just pop out another kid and then expect that my neighbors would pick up the slack. And then guilt them for not continuing to give me free labor forever, or "at least a few more months until the babies at 8.5 months and STTN" (?!?!?!?!!??!?!) just because they have the unfortunate displeasure of living a couple houses down. That's outrageous.

Some people are out of their freaking minds. This thread honestly shows everything that's wrong with the world. If you get stuck and need help for a day because someone broke their arm on the swing set, feel free to ask your friendly neighbor. I'm sure they'd be genuinely happy to help you out to supervise your child while you take the other to the hospital. If you want to have a boat load of kids, you deal with them. That involves some planning, proper arrangements with willing participants, and yes, maybe even spending some money. Nobody owes you ANYTHING, let alone everything!

SMH.

Yes, this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am shocked that everyone is attacking OP. I think you are being taken advantage of and, I don't know about the rest of y'all, but ten minutes in the morning is a lot.

Tell her that you can give her another week, but then your schedule is changing.

It was nice of you to do it for three weeks!

Agree

Also agree. Just tell her you can do it until the end of next week, and then you can't do it anymore.

[Anonymous]

OP, start by saying next Monday and Tuesday you can't take her kids because you need to leave early and drive your kids to school or arrange for another neighbor to take your kids. Then tell her your schedule might be changing and you can no longer take her kids and you need to worry about taking your kids. Once you stop doing it for a couple of days this family will figure it out how to get twins put the door or sucker another family into doing it. People who are OK taking advantage of you for one month without being profusely grateful will have no qualms with you continuing to take their kids for the next two years. Get out of doing this ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weeks???
With twins?

Have a heart and do it until it starts to warm up again in the Spring, OP.

You, obviously, have no qualms about using people. Enough is enough, OP. Tell them this is no longer feasible. You do not need to give a reason.

[Anonymous]

This post and the responses stuck with me last night. I don’t understand why everyone jumped to camps where either the OP or the twin mom is an awful person. The cynicism and judgement is saddening.

It absolutely is a burden to spend an extra 10 minutes every morning helping out another family for several weeks. Tougher still if the OP doesn’t feel any gratitude or close relationship with the other family.

But I can honestly say that it would be an honor if I were in a position make that small sacrifice to help a neighbor out. Especially if that neighbor is recovering from a c-section or otherwise struggling in the weeks after birth. I’d go to bed sleeping better because I had an easy opportunity to do something nice for someone every day. Every morning already you’ve improved someone’s day - that’s awesome!

As a result of this post and the responses, DH and I talked for while last night about how isolated families are and how hard it is to ask for or receive support. We’re going to look for more ways to proactively volunteer to help our neighbors or the families of our kid’s classmates. We both work full time and struggle with the usual time-money-energy balances, but we have yet to regret any of the small ways we’ve extended ourselves in the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This post and the responses stuck with me last night. I don’t understand why everyone jumped to camps where either the OP or the twin mom is an awful person. The cynicism and judgement is saddening.

It absolutely is a burden to spend an extra 10 minutes every morning helping out another family for several weeks. Tougher still if the OP doesn’t feel any gratitude or close relationship with the other family.

But I can honestly say that it would be an honor if I were in a position make that small sacrifice to help a neighbor out. Especially if that neighbor is recovering from a c-section or otherwise struggling in the weeks after birth. I’d go to bed sleeping better because I had an easy opportunity to do something nice for someone every day. Every morning already you’ve improved someone’s day - that’s awesome!

As a result of this post and the responses, DH and I talked for while last night about how isolated families are and how hard it is to ask for or receive support. We’re going to look for more ways to proactively volunteer to help our neighbors or the families of our kid’s classmates. We both work full time and struggle with the usual time-money-energy balances, but we have yet to regret any of the small ways we’ve extended ourselves in the past.

XOXOXOX

you are wonderful. I hope we’re neighbors. Not because I need something, but because that’s true community. Thank you for sharing your insight and intention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP, and wow, this really took off.

To clear some things up:
-It will be a month this week I’ve been doing this.
-We drive because we are in a gated community and the bus picks up at the front.
-We could walk, but I head right to work. I don’t have time to walk back.
-Yes, it takes an extra 10 minutes because I don’t want to be late for any reason and then have to drive them all to school. I’ve been allowing extra time in case someone is running behind.

This just doesn't seem like a big deal to me and it's no doubt a huge help to her. Are her kids routinely late? Do they bring food and leave your car a mess? Are they rude to you or your kids? If not, just suck it up and help her out. It sounds like you don't have to leave 10 minutes earlier, that is just your preference.

I agree. I can't believe no one else picked up on the fact that OP doesn't have to take those 10 extra minutes she's complaining about but that she is deciding to leave 10 minutes early just in case someone happens to be running late.

OP, tell your neighbor that you have to leave for the bus at 7.30 and that you can't be late. If her kids aren't outside at 7.30, she'll have to find another way that day.

This is OP. Look, I leave 10 minutes earlier than usual because I can’t afford to be late to work. With the bus schedule, I barely make it as it is. If someone I can’t find a shoe, or is still stuffing papers in backpacks, or whatever, I can’t afford to miss the bus and drive them all to school. I just can’t. So I make sure we are collected and at the stop early enough. That’s *my* schedule. It’s what I have to do to ensure I make it to work on time.

So you leave early for your own kids anyway? Are the other kids late ever? I think it would be fine for you to say you can't wait around for the kids if they are late and their mom will just have to drive them. But really, 10 minutes is such a very small thing. If that is all that is making you feel put out, you need to relax.

And surely things can happen on your own commute that could cause you to be late. Do you have this much anxiety about that too?

OP - this is what I don't get. In your original post, you clearly say that you are leaving 10 minutes earlier than you normally would to help your neighbor. then, here, you say that you are basically leaving 10 minutes early for your kids. You can still TALK to your neighbor and explain that you HAVE to be at the bus at 7:30 (or 7:20 or whatever is good FOR YOU) and that her kid must be outside at that time or she'll have to find another way that day.

I get that you feel like you are being put out a lot, but there could be a win-win here. Her having to take her kid to school every once in a while if her kid can't find her shoe, stuffing her backpack, or whatever the emergency is, is still a lot better than her having to take her kid to the bus every single day. And it wouldn't be so stressful for you knowing that if you go by her house and her kid isn't there waiting, you can just leave and not be late.

to this poster

It absolutely is a burden to spend an extra 10 minutes every morning helping out another family for several weeks. Tougher still if the OP doesn’t feel any gratitude or close relationship with the other family.

OP is saying the extra 10 minutes isn't for the other family - she is doing it for her kids anyway.