What is the primary problem in your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has low energy. This is the root of our major problems: his inability to bear an equal load at home; our sex life; his messiness. He would say the root of his problems with me is my critical nature (refusal to be a doormat).

This is my answer, too. The description fits too well, actually. Pp, what have you tried? I know my husband's energy level goes up when he gets regular exercise and sleep and is about 30 pounds lighter, but this is very hard to suggest without seeming critical. I hate feeling resentful about the messiness, but it really bothers me. If there were more sex that would help take the edge off, but it's unfortunately not happening.

same here and he is four years younger

[Anonymous]

He breathes.

[Anonymous]

Lack of affection. My husband shows no affection of any kind. Ever. He does show contempt and derision. I fight back by getting angry, and the cycle repeats.

[Anonymous]

If we don't have sex for a while (say, a week) he gets grumpy and pouty and sullen. I am not turned on by grumpy and pouty and sullen..so I don't want to have sex with him at that point. The situation deteriorates quickly.

(I know I could just have sex with him and he'd snap out of it, but then I get bitter about the fact I have to have sex with him to maintain his mood. Don't I offer anything else?)

This all recently came to light in a huge fight and we are working on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband never ever voices anything resembling an insight into his emotions. He can repeat "i love you" but there is nothing else whatsoever. He shares nothing of his inner life, if he has ine.

I have the same husband !

I haven't ever gotten the sense that women are terribly interested in hearing about the emotional inner life of their romantic partners. By and large, they seem turned off by men who share their emotions. Emotionally distant tough guys are sexier.

They are not sexy when you are married to them, maybe when you're 22 and find remoteness enticing. Remoteness in marriage is dull, its boring, its bland, its empty, its not normal and its isolating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If we don't have sex for a while (say, a week) he gets grumpy and pouty and sullen. I am not turned on by grumpy and pouty and sullen..so I don't want to have sex with him at that point. The situation deteriorates quickly.

(I know I could just have sex with him and he'd snap out of it, but then I get bitter about the fact I have to have sex with him to maintain his mood. Don't I offer anything else?)

This all recently came to light in a huge fight and we are working on it.

Just FYI I was your DH and you my DW and I eventually had an affair. Which made me confident again which made my wife happy to sleep with me again. It essentially saved our marriage, although no one ever credits an affair for saving marriages sometimes they do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If we don't have sex for a while (say, a week) he gets grumpy and pouty and sullen. I am not turned on by grumpy and pouty and sullen..so I don't want to have sex with him at that point. The situation deteriorates quickly.

(I know I could just have sex with him and he'd snap out of it, but then I get bitter about the fact I have to have sex with him to maintain his mood. Don't I offer anything else?)

This all recently came to light in a huge fight and we are working on it.

So THIS is your primary problem in marriage?
Fantastic!! Then I have some great news: your #1 problem can be easily solved. There's even an "app" for it. Pull out your phone, open the Calendar, and create a new event called Sex, make it recurring every 6 days.

[Anonymous]

My husband is very direct and has a problem pretending to be interested in things if he actually isn't. He's an engineer and is like this with everyone, not just me, but I find it really frustrating at times. But I've come to accept it because he has many other good qualities.


Maybe try being more interesting, rather than asking him to be better at faking interest in your topics of choice?

No thanks, I think I'll keep my actual interests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If we don't have sex for a while (say, a week) he gets grumpy and pouty and sullen. I am not turned on by grumpy and pouty and sullen..so I don't want to have sex with him at that point. The situation deteriorates quickly.

(I know I could just have sex with him and he'd snap out of it, but then I get bitter about the fact I have to have sex with him to maintain his mood. Don't I offer anything else?)

This all recently came to light in a huge fight and we are working on it.

So THIS is your primary problem in marriage?
Fantastic!! Then I have some great news: your #1 problem can be easily solved. There's even an "app" for it. Pull out your phone, open the Calendar, and create a new event called Sex, make it recurring every 6 days.

She could even make it every three days to have some wiggle room in case she didn't want to do it on a particular day.

More seriously, I've gotten the "if you weren't grumpy about sex maybe I'd want to have sex with you" comment. But the fact is that I went a good long time without being grumpy about sex where sex wasn't happening. That's what gave me the bad attitude in the first place. So, while the bad attitude doesn't help, I know from experience it's not the reason we're not having sex. It's just her latest excuse. Maybe it's easier than saying, "I don't know why, but I just don't feel like having sex anymore" or "we've been together too long for me to feel attracted to you" or whatever the real reason is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If we don't have sex for a while (say, a week) he gets grumpy and pouty and sullen. I am not turned on by grumpy and pouty and sullen..so I don't want to have sex with him at that point. The situation deteriorates quickly.

(I know I could just have sex with him and he'd snap out of it, but then I get bitter about the fact I have to have sex with him to maintain his mood. Don't I offer anything else?)

This all recently came to light in a huge fight and we are working on it.

I'm a DH who was this way. Our drives were mismatched. I wanted it every day and she wanted once a week - if that. When we did do it, she usually started with statement like "can we make this quick?" The regular rejection made me resentful. And I did everything I could to remove roadblocks - choreplay, etc. We finally compromised on Sunday every week and then one day during the week (although that hasn't been consistent). The good news is that over the 15 years we've been together my drive has died down and we're pretty much in sync.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If we don't have sex for a while (say, a week) he gets grumpy and pouty and sullen. I am not turned on by grumpy and pouty and sullen..so I don't want to have sex with him at that point. The situation deteriorates quickly.

(I know I could just have sex with him and he'd snap out of it, but then I get bitter about the fact I have to have sex with him to maintain his mood. Don't I offer anything else?)

This all recently came to light in a huge fight and we are working on it.

So THIS is your primary problem in marriage?
Fantastic!! Then I have some great news: your #1 problem can be easily solved. There's even an "app" for it. Pull out your phone, open the Calendar, and create a new event called Sex, make it recurring every 6 days.

I agree.

If your marriage is otherwise great, why not give your husband the good stuff once or even twice a week? I get that you are tired and not interested, but you love this guy. If that is all he needs, organize a sitter/cleaner/whatever to give you a little bit more space to relax and afford 30 minutes twice a week. Don't you give your children affection even when you are extremely tired? Why is your husband so different? He needs it, you have it, you love him, give it up twice a week.

If there are no other underlying issues affecting your ability to have sex with him(if you are repulsed by him, that is another issue), then you lack some empathy.

I think giving your husband 30 minutes of affection/sex twice a week is much less than the extra 10 hours off that I give mine about 3 weekends a month.

My husband sleeps for very long hours on the weekend(if we have somewhere to go, he has to wake up but we try to avoid any weekend activity before 1:00pm). We have little kids so my weekend mornings can get pretty rough, but I am not grumpy.

Anyone who knows nothing else about our marriage would think that I was incredible for letting him sleep that much almost every weekend. I am incredible, but he is incredible too, and so is our marriage. If he doesn't get the sleep, he is grumpy. Why would I want that when I can have him happy and extremely helpful as well as loving for the fewer hours he is awake on the weekend(he does almost all household work and is a very engaging an loving dad and husband)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If we don't have sex for a while (say, a week) he gets grumpy and pouty and sullen. I am not turned on by grumpy and pouty and sullen..so I don't want to have sex with him at that point. The situation deteriorates quickly.

(I know I could just have sex with him and he'd snap out of it, but then I get bitter about the fact I have to have sex with him to maintain his mood. Don't I offer anything else?)

This all recently came to light in a huge fight and we are working on it.

So THIS is your primary problem in marriage?
Fantastic!! Then I have some great news: your #1 problem can be easily solved. There's even an "app" for it. Pull out your phone, open the Calendar, and create a new event called Sex, make it recurring every 6 days.

We schedule sex. It works for us. She can relax the other six days of the week, and I can take care of things knowing it won't happen those other days. Not idea, but far better than the tension of rejection and pursuing.

[Anonymous]

We are lucky to have two homes but it drives me a bit nuts that my DH relies on me to manage everything about them - he would be clueless on who to call if we needed a plumber or anyone else. What a first world problem to have! On the other hand I'm very detail oriented and he's not so in the end everything gets done the way I like it! He says its a win/win! All kidding aside, I really don't have any problem in my marriage as DH is a great father, friend, provider and is great in bed!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If we don't have sex for a while (say, a week) he gets grumpy and pouty and sullen. I am not turned on by grumpy and pouty and sullen..so I don't want to have sex with him at that point. The situation deteriorates quickly.

(I know I could just have sex with him and he'd snap out of it, but then I get bitter about the fact I have to have sex with him to maintain his mood. Don't I offer anything else?)

This all recently came to light in a huge fight and we are working on it.

Just FYI I was your DH and you my DW and I eventually had an affair. Which made me confident again which made my wife happy to sleep with me again. It essentially saved our marriage, although no one ever credits an affair for saving marriages sometimes they do

Wife here, and similar experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My husband is very direct and has a problem pretending to be interested in things if he actually isn't. He's an engineer and is like this with everyone, not just me, but I find it really frustrating at times. But I've come to accept it because he has many other good qualities.


Maybe try being more interesting, rather than asking him to be better at faking interest in your topics of choice?

No thanks, I think I'll keep my actual interests.

So you find it frustrating that your husband won't fake interest in your interests? Before you were married, did he fake interest in them better, or you didn't care if he was interested in the same things as you are?