How can I get DW to work more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work with tons of moms who have elementary and middle school kids. These moms work full time and make it all work. I think Some moms are responding here who don't work full time and so are a bit defensive about their lives.

Agree. I've been a full time working mom year round for 17+ years, as have many of my friends. My youngest child is finishing up his first year in high school, so I've lived through the middle school years. We all make it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you dropped the cleaning lady and your wife added some more part time hours? Would that help with finances?

It really makes a difference for middle and high school kids to have a parent home in the afternoon for a lot of reasons, so that is another aspect to keep in mind.

Please take this to heart. It is true and very important

No, it's not. My kids were gone 10 hours a day starting in middle school. They do not need a parent at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you dropped the cleaning lady and your wife added some more part time hours? Would that help with finances?

It really makes a difference for middle and high school kids to have a parent home in the afternoon for a lot of reasons, so that is another aspect to keep in mind.

Please take this to heart. It is true and very important

I have two kids out of college and on their own. Two in college. One high school senior. It is really important to have a parent home in the afternoons and evenings when you have teens. I know not everyone can do it. But if you can, it really matters. If I had to choose, I would work during the elementary grades and stay at home during middle and high school. I'm grateful that I was able to be at home.

Why? I have two high schoolers now and we have dinner as a family almost every night. Why should I find a job that lets me get home at 3:30 instead of 5:30?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 10:51. I believe poster 11:08 was referring to adjustment to the unplanned and unexpected family emergencies, rather than the day-in-day out burden. Yes, OP will absolutely have to share the stress for emergencies. And I agree that it is a big deal. Frankly, I suggest that OP start now to get himself and his employee used to it. (not good when your employer thinks you will always been on-call for them . . .) Also, though the guy is a Fed, not in the private sector, and one of the advantages (for loss of $$) is the ability to do that.

It's not a big deal. My husband and I both know that both of us are always on call for family emergencies, and we do fine as a family unit and also at both of our places of employment. This is 2017 people! Unless you're a CEO I think every employee expects some flexibility to handle personal life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she doesn't agree with you that you guys need more income and wants to choose lifestyle over money.

So can OP decide to go very part time b/c that is his preferred lifestyle?

He's the one who wants to change what seems to be working. She's just maintaining the status quo. If he wants to move to rural WV he probably could go PT.

It's working for her and the kids, but not for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you dropped the cleaning lady and your wife added some more part time hours? Would that help with finances?

It really makes a difference for middle and high school kids to have a parent home in the afternoon for a lot of reasons, so that is another aspect to keep in mind.

Please take this to heart. It is true and very important

I have two kids out of college and on their own. Two in college. One high school senior. It is really important to have a parent home in the afternoons and evenings when you have teens. I know not everyone can do it. But if you can, it really matters. If I had to choose, I would work during the elementary grades and stay at home during middle and high school. I'm grateful that I was able to be at home.

What do you have of importance to do now? It sounds nice in some ways, but giving up a professional life is a high price to pay. We hire an afternoon sitter/driver for our teen and tween.

A driver or an afternoon sitter was not what we wanted for our teens. We wanted a parent home in the afternoons. A sitter isn't the same as a parent. The teen years can be tough. I've seen too many really bad outcomes. We managed to raise five children without any drug or alcohol issues, pregnancy scares, bad grades, etc. I believe having a parent at home helped.

What "do I have of importance now"? I'm actually not sure what that means. I still work part time and I love my work. My DH and I are 50. He retires at 55. We have a wonderful life together. We travel a lot to see our kids. We have a brand new grandbaby. We sail to the Bahamas every year. We are excited about doing more traveling when my DH retires. We are both involved in our church. We are active in our community. We have a large garden and grow much of our own food. We both enjoy our paid work, but it has never been what defines either one of us. If work is the thing that gives you your greatest sense of purpose, you may be in for some tough times when you retire.

I raised two children without drug or alcohol problems, to be active in sports and afterschool clubs and church youth group. Having a parent at home probably is helpful, but the question is at what cost? If you would have only made 20 or 30 K more if you had gone from part time to full time work, that wouldn't pay for much spread over 5 children, but some of us with fewer children, higher pay and more invested in their careers don't see a parent home immediately after school as a necessity worth giving up one whole income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DW works privately now and makes a good hourly rate, just doesn't work nearly enough hours. She either needs to find more clients or get a job working for someone where the hourly rate is less but she works more hours and sees a higher annual income. And to the PP saying get a higher paying job, even if I did make more, out of principle I believe DW should be working more now that kids are gone from 745-315 every day. That was what we always said before kids. To each their own, but I personally don't respect people as much if they aren't contributing, either by working or being s SAH parent to young children.

She is contributing. She's probably doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, most of the kids stuff like doctors, activities, and much more. Its sad you don't appreciate her. And, she is working and pulling in money. If she works full time are you going to do all the things she is doing from 7:45-315 - doubtful.

Who does all the planning? Who goes grocery shopping and plans the meals? Who takes the initiative to do things like sign the kids up for activities, make doctor's appointments, buy clothes that fit, schedules haircuts, buys birthday presents, pays PTA dues, schedule piano lessons, hires the lawn guy, hires the cleaners, hires the sitters, etc? Do you have the kids' dentists, pediatrician, teachers', school front desk, and kids' friends' parents numbers on your phone? Do you know who to call for emergency carpools? Do you know what size shoes your kids wear?

If you are truly 50-50, then you should be doing all of the above 50-50. Not just carrying out requests, but actively taking the initiative and managing your children's lives. Once you are there, you can ask your wife to up her hours to FT.

I know and do all that planning, and still work 45 hours a week. Please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DW works privately now and makes a good hourly rate, just doesn't work nearly enough hours. She either needs to find more clients or get a job working for someone where the hourly rate is less but she works more hours and sees a higher annual income. And to the PP saying get a higher paying job, even if I did make more, out of principle I believe DW should be working more now that kids are gone from 745-315 every day. That was what we always said before kids. To each their own, but I personally don't respect people as much if they aren't contributing, either by working or being s SAH parent to young children.

She is contributing. She's probably doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, most of the kids stuff like doctors, activities, and much more. Its sad you don't appreciate her. And, she is working and pulling in money. If she works full time are you going to do all the things she is doing from 7:45-315 - doubtful.

Who does all the planning? Who goes grocery shopping and plans the meals? Who takes the initiative to do things like sign the kids up for activities, make doctor's appointments, buy clothes that fit, schedules haircuts, buys birthday presents, pays PTA dues, schedule piano lessons, hires the lawn guy, hires the cleaners, hires the sitters, etc? Do you have the kids' dentists, pediatrician, teachers', school front desk, and kids' friends' parents numbers on your phone? Do you know who to call for emergency carpools? Do you know what size shoes your kids wear?

If you are truly 50-50, then you should be doing all of the above 50-50. Not just carrying out requests, but actively taking the initiative and managing your children's lives. Once you are there, you can ask your wife to up her hours to FT.

Let's break this down, like a professional:
Kids activities: 4x year (once a season)
Doctors appts: 4x year (lets say they need follow ups, but probably 1x)
Kids clothes: 4x year (seasonal and that is generous, really back to school is all you need), and has to happen when kids are home so weekend anyway
Schedule haircuts: You schedule a child's haircut??? Hello supercuts, then a movie after on the weekend.
Birthday presents: Amazon
PTA dues: OMFG you are reaching here. 1x year. Paypal.
Schedule Piano lessons: 1x year
Lawn guy, cleaners: 1x every 3 years (how often do people change their routine?)
Sitters: For middle schoolers???
Phone numbers: Hello iPhone Google and shared contacts.
"Emergency" carpool? For middle schoolers? they probably know which parents to call.
Shoe size: Again MIDDLE SCHOOLERS.

Did you even read the OP?

This may not seem like a lot, but my DH does NONE of this unless I ask. Does yours actually take the initiave? BTW, if we don't book our dr yearly annuals a month in advance, we are late for forms. Also, I make summer camp plans in January--as does most of upper NW DC. DH has NEVER signed the kids up for camps. And he would probably only remember to do this in June, when most of the camps are booked, and then we'd be screwed. Kudos to your marriage if your DH actually plans this stuff and manages to delegate appropriately. In my circle, I can confidently say that moms do 95% of the planning, and the dads execute 35%-45% only if and when asked.

But you could do 100% of all of this on your lunch hour, after work or on weekends. The hard truth is you like having a lot of leisure time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DW works privately now and makes a good hourly rate, just doesn't work nearly enough hours. She either needs to find more clients or get a job working for someone where the hourly rate is less but she works more hours and sees a higher annual income. And to the PP saying get a higher paying job, even if I did make more, out of principle I believe DW should be working more now that kids are gone from 745-315 every day. That was what we always said before kids. To each their own, but I personally don't respect people as much if they aren't contributing, either by working or being s SAH parent to young children.

She is contributing. She's probably doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, most of the kids stuff like doctors, activities, and much more. Its sad you don't appreciate her. And, she is working and pulling in money. If she works full time are you going to do all the things she is doing from 7:45-315 - doubtful.

Who does all the planning? Who goes grocery shopping and plans the meals? Who takes the initiative to do things like sign the kids up for activities, make doctor's appointments, buy clothes that fit, schedules haircuts, buys birthday presents, pays PTA dues, schedule piano lessons, hires the lawn guy, hires the cleaners, hires the sitters, etc? Do you have the kids' dentists, pediatrician, teachers', school front desk, and kids' friends' parents numbers on your phone? Do you know who to call for emergency carpools? Do you know what size shoes your kids wear?

If you are truly 50-50, then you should be doing all of the above 50-50. Not just carrying out requests, but actively taking the initiative and managing your children's lives. Once you are there, you can ask your wife to up her hours to FT.

Single mom here, I do and know all these things, with a full time job and no spouse.

+1

Yes, single moms do shoulder a lot. I don't understand what point you want to make in this thread, though. Are you suggesting that married moms who work full-time should be grateful they have a husband, even if doesn't carry his fair share of chidcare and housework?

When you are married the equation changes. Fairness and equity become issues in the marriage.

The solution to fairness and equity is not for one spouse to cut back on paid work though. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Glad you are not my husband. He decided we needed more money so he went out and got a better job. Instead of complaining, get a better job. Problem solved.

Read the OP, she agreed to this plan before kids. As a 50+ Fed, getting more $$$ is unrealistic. Glad your DH is PW enough to hustle though, but it doesn't seem to improve your mood.

My husband is not PW and he is the one who wanted me to stay home and told me to. You leave being a fed. My husband would love an easy cushy job being a fed but he makes 2x as much being in private contracting so regardless of my income or employment status, it makes sense. Maybe you OP should care more about his family and stop being so lazy and get a higher paying job if they cannot live of his income and her part-time work. She is working! He probably isn't even willing to do 1/2 the stuff she does.

NP I love my husband and want to see him, so I'm glad to work full time and let him stay with the fed so we can both have balance in our lives.

My husband is a contractor. Makes much more than he would as a fed and works 40 hours a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you love your DW, this really should not be an issue. She does her best, you do your best. Cherish what you have. Support each other. Having kids and raising them effects women in so many ways. She may not be able to work full time for some reason. May be she wants to be there for the kids when they get home from school.

Give me a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Glad you are not my husband. He decided we needed more money so he went out and got a better job. Instead of complaining, get a better job. Problem solved.

Read the OP, she agreed to this plan before kids. As a 50+ Fed, getting more $$$ is unrealistic. Glad your DH is PW enough to hustle though, but it doesn't seem to improve your mood.

My husband is not PW and he is the one who wanted me to stay home and told me to. You leave being a fed. My husband would love an easy cushy job being a fed but he makes 2x as much being in private contracting so regardless of my income or employment status, it makes sense. Maybe you OP should care more about his family and stop being so lazy and get a higher paying job if they cannot live of his income and her part-time work. She is working! He probably isn't even willing to do 1/2 the stuff she does.

NP I love my husband and want to see him, so I'm glad to work full time and let him stay with the fed so we can both have balance in our lives.

My husband is a contractor. Makes much more than he would as a fed and works 40 hours a week.

But much less job security, that's why he makes more than a fed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she doesn't agree with you that you guys need more income and wants to choose lifestyle over money.

So can OP decide to go very part time b/c that is his preferred lifestyle?

He's the one who wants to change what seems to be working. She's just maintaining the status quo. If he wants to move to rural WV he probably could go PT.

It's working for her and the kids, but not for him.

OP's wife continuing to work such limited hours might not "work" as well for the kids in the long term as her working full-time would if the former means that their college won't be paid for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you dropped the cleaning lady and your wife added some more part time hours? Would that help with finances?

It really makes a difference for middle and high school kids to have a parent home in the afternoon for a lot of reasons, so that is another aspect to keep in mind.

Please take this to heart. It is true and very important

I have two kids out of college and on their own. Two in college. One high school senior. It is really important to have a parent home in the afternoons and evenings when you have teens. I know not everyone can do it. But if you can, it really matters. If I had to choose, I would work during the elementary grades and stay at home during middle and high school. I'm grateful that I was able to be at home.

What do you have of importance to do now? It sounds nice in some ways, but giving up a professional life is a high price to pay. We hire an afternoon sitter/driver for our teen and tween.

A driver or an afternoon sitter was not what we wanted for our teens. We wanted a parent home in the afternoons. A sitter isn't the same as a parent. The teen years can be tough. I've seen too many really bad outcomes. We managed to raise five children without any drug or alcohol issues, pregnancy scares, bad grades, etc. I believe having a parent at home helped.

What "do I have of importance now"? I'm actually not sure what that means. I still work part time and I love my work. My DH and I are 50. He retires at 55. We have a wonderful life together. We travel a lot to see our kids. We have a brand new grandbaby. We sail to the Bahamas every year. We are excited about doing more traveling when my DH retires. We are both involved in our church. We are active in our community. We have a large garden and grow much of our own food. We both enjoy our paid work, but it has never been what defines either one of us. If work is the thing that gives you your greatest sense of purpose, you may be in for some tough times when you retire.

I raised two children without drug or alcohol problems, to be active in sports and afterschool clubs and church youth group. Having a parent at home probably is helpful, but the question is at what cost? If you would have only made 20 or 30 K more if you had gone from part time to full time work, that wouldn't pay for much spread over 5 children, but some of us with fewer children, higher pay and more invested in their careers don't see a parent home immediately after school as a necessity worth giving up one whole income.

Exactly. If her continuing to SAH when once her kids were all in school worked best for the PP with 5 kids' family & she & her DH were both happy with the areangement, great. But, barring perhaps families with kids who have severe medical issues or other special needs that require extra supervision &/or tons of medical/therapy appointments, having a parent at home once the kids are in middle school is hardly a necessity nor is it even worth the drop in income for many families.

Fwiw, my parents also raised 5 kids without drug or alcohol issues, pregnancy scares, bad grades, etc, & they both worked full-time. Yes, there are kids with 2 working parents who end up with these issues but plenty of kids with SAH parents do, as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DW works privately now and makes a good hourly rate, just doesn't work nearly enough hours. She either needs to find more clients or get a job working for someone where the hourly rate is less but she works more hours and sees a higher annual income. And to the PP saying get a higher paying job, even if I did make more, out of principle I believe DW should be working more now that kids are gone from 745-315 every day. That was what we always said before kids. To each their own, but I personally don't respect people as much if they aren't contributing, either by working or being s SAH parent to young children.

She is contributing. She's probably doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, most of the kids stuff like doctors, activities, and much more. Its sad you don't appreciate her. And, she is working and pulling in money. If she works full time are you going to do all the things she is doing from 7:45-315 - doubtful.

Who does all the planning? Who goes grocery shopping and plans the meals? Who takes the initiative to do things like sign the kids up for activities, make doctor's appointments, buy clothes that fit, schedules haircuts, buys birthday presents, pays PTA dues, schedule piano lessons, hires the lawn guy, hires the cleaners, hires the sitters, etc? Do you have the kids' dentists, pediatrician, teachers', school front desk, and kids' friends' parents numbers on your phone? Do you know who to call for emergency carpools? Do you know what size shoes your kids wear?

If you are truly 50-50, then you should be doing all of the above 50-50. Not just carrying out requests, but actively taking the initiative and managing your children's lives. Once you are there, you can ask your wife to up her hours to FT.

Let's break this down, like a professional:
Kids activities: 4x year (once a season)
Doctors appts: 4x year (lets say they need follow ups, but probably 1x)
Kids clothes: 4x year (seasonal and that is generous, really back to school is all you need), and has to happen when kids are home so weekend anyway
Schedule haircuts: You schedule a child's haircut??? Hello supercuts, then a movie after on the weekend.
Birthday presents: Amazon
PTA dues: OMFG you are reaching here. 1x year. Paypal.
Schedule Piano lessons: 1x year
Lawn guy, cleaners: 1x every 3 years (how often do people change their routine?)
Sitters: For middle schoolers???
Phone numbers: Hello iPhone Google and shared contacts.
"Emergency" carpool? For middle schoolers? they probably know which parents to call.
Shoe size: Again MIDDLE SCHOOLERS.

Did you even read the OP?

This may not seem like a lot, but my DH does NONE of this unless I ask. Does yours actually take the initiave? BTW, if we don't book our dr yearly annuals a month in advance, we are late for forms. Also, I make summer camp plans in January--as does most of upper NW DC. DH has NEVER signed the kids up for camps. And he would probably only remember to do this in June, when most of the camps are booked, and then we'd be screwed. Kudos to your marriage if your DH actually plans this stuff and manages to delegate appropriately. In my circle, I can confidently say that moms do 95% of the planning, and the dads execute 35%-45% only if and when asked.

But you could do 100% of all of this on your lunch hour, after work or on weekends. The hard truth is you like having a lot of leisure time.

The hard truth is that moms like you have resigned themselves to being the default parent and accept sexism within your family while shaming moms who work PT or SAH for refusing to accept the second shift.
-FT working mom who struggles with being the default parent