How can I get DW to work more?

[Anonymous]

I am the PP with the afternoon sitter/driver. The sitter simply picks them up from school, they get a snack and get ready for soccer, done. We are home by 5 at the latest to either pick them up from soccer or be with them after the 2 hours they were with the sitter. Work does give me a tremendous sense of purpose and I love my job and my kids. I am not any of the previous responders to your post nor am I bitter nor did I put you down. And I don't think you meant that sincerely in the slightest.

If you aren't any prior responder, then why would you think the PP was talking to you when she mentioned bitterness? Has all that purposeful work rotted your brain for understanding non-work interactions?
"
Oh, I'm a new poster, by the way. You just stood out as a jerk to me.

Hello? Self-awareness? You have none at all and I doubt you are a new poster. You responded to the statement, "I am not any of the previous responders to your post nor am I bitter nor did I put you down", with "Has all that purposeful work rotted your brain for understanding non-work interactions?". You are the jerk, and much worse, lol. Oh, and you might want to look at why, but whatever. Jealous of purposeful work? Go get a degree and do it yourself rather than lash out at posters on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Glad you are not my husband. He decided we needed more money so he went out and got a better job. Instead of complaining, get a better job. Problem solved.

Oh God. This is so gross. Must be a troll trying to make SAHM's look bad. I work full time but have many sah friends- there is no way that any of them would even think something like the above let alone vomit it out. Yuck.

How is it gross? He wanted me home. We could not make it on his income but paying for day care was most of my income for one child after taxes. So, he got a better job that has now covered my entire salary and more. He could not have done it if I wasn't home doing everything and caring for his mom.

Glad you are not my husband- catty but ok
He decided to get a better job - ok
Instead of complaining, get a better job - totally gross casting him in the role of the bad guy for not being willing to pick up his wife's slack in the expectations they set early in their marriage when she dropped to part time. If you can't see the difference between this situation and one where both partners agree to a Sahp situation, I can't help you.

HTH!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Glad you are not my husband. He decided we needed more money so he went out and got a better job. Instead of complaining, get a better job. Problem solved.

Oh God. This is so gross. Must be a troll trying to make SAHM's look bad. I work full time but have many sah friends- there is no way that any of them would even think something like the above let alone vomit it out. Yuck.

How is it gross? He wanted me home. We could not make it on his income but paying for day care was most of my income for one child after taxes. So, he got a better job that has now covered my entire salary and more. He could not have done it if I wasn't home doing everything and caring for his mom.

Glad you are not my husband- catty but ok
He decided to get a better job - ok
Instead of complaining, get a better job - totally gross casting him in the role of the bad guy for not being willing to pick up his wife's slack in the expectations they set early in their marriage when she dropped to part time. If you can't see the difference between this situation and one where both partners agree to a Sahp situation, I can't help you.

HTH!

OP wife works part-time. She is not a SAHM. He agreed to it and now is changing his mind. He easily could try to make more money rather than pushing it out on her. He may be the one underpaid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Glad you are not my husband. He decided we needed more money so he went out and got a better job. Instead of complaining, get a better job. Problem solved.

Oh God. This is so gross. Must be a troll trying to make SAHM's look bad. I work full time but have many sah friends- there is no way that any of them would even think something like the above let alone vomit it out. Yuck.

How is it gross? He wanted me home. We could not make it on his income but paying for day care was most of my income for one child after taxes. So, he got a better job that has now covered my entire salary and more. He could not have done it if I wasn't home doing everything and caring for his mom.

Glad you are not my husband- catty but ok
He decided to get a better job - ok
Instead of complaining, get a better job - totally gross casting him in the role of the bad guy for not being willing to pick up his wife's slack in the expectations they set early in their marriage when she dropped to part time. If you can't see the difference between this situation and one where both partners agree to a Sahp situation, I can't help you.

HTH!

OP wife works part-time. She is not a SAHM. He agreed to it and now is changing his mind. He easily could try to make more money rather than pushing it out on her. He may be the one underpaid.

He says in his original post that the plan was always for her to return to full time work as their kids aged. She is reneging on that agreement. He may want her to live up to her end of the bargain rather than "easily finding a job that pays more". Wtf?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you dropped the cleaning lady and your wife added some more part time hours? Would that help with finances?

It really makes a difference for middle and high school kids to have a parent home in the afternoon for a lot of reasons, so that is another aspect to keep in mind.

Please take this to heart. It is true and very important

I have two kids out of college and on their own. Two in college. One high school senior. It is really important to have a parent home in the afternoons and evenings when you have teens. I know not everyone can do it. But if you can, it really matters. If I had to choose, I would work during the elementary grades and stay at home during middle and high school. I'm grateful that I was able to be at home.

What do you have of importance to do now? It sounds nice in some ways, but giving up a professional life is a high price to pay. We hire an afternoon sitter/driver for our teen and tween.

A driver or an afternoon sitter was not what we wanted for our teens. We wanted a parent home in the afternoons. A sitter isn't the same as a parent. The teen years can be tough. I've seen too many really bad outcomes. We managed to raise five children without any drug or alcohol issues, pregnancy scares, bad grades, etc. I believe having a parent at home helped.

What "do I have of importance now"? I'm actually not sure what that means. I still work part time and I love my work. My DH and I are 50. He retires at 55. We have a wonderful life together. We travel a lot to see our kids. We have a brand new grandbaby. We sail to the Bahamas every year. We are excited about doing more traveling when my DH retires. We are both involved in our church. We are active in our community. We have a large garden and grow much of our own food. We both enjoy our paid work, but it has never been what defines either one of us. If work is the thing that gives you your greatest sense of purpose, you may be in for some tough times when you retire.

What is your HHI?

They don't live in Dc.

Their bar for success is ridiculously low: avoid drugs alcohol, pregnancy, and flunking out. This is not DC. I would guess there was alcohol but kids were discrete. I know MANY working parents who achieved same outcomes. But in lower income areas it is much harder.
Grand'baby' at 50 - crazy young and who says grandbaby: southerners
Traveling to see kids means driving to Atlanta
Sailing to Bahamas? From Annapolis -- no.

They live FL or GA I think.

Huh? I live in neither. We live in Burke most of the time, although we are TDY now. We have also lived in DC and in MOCO. My kids went to Lake Braddock. My standards are very high. I have a National Merit Scholar. Four college grads. I think my kids have done great. I'm very proud of them. We own a home in Ponte Vedra, Florida and sail from there. I had my oldest at 22. We are young grandparents. Happily married for close to 30 years. I'm not sure exactly what you are looking for. Oh, the HHI. We are not wealthy. $180,000.

You don't need to put others down to make yourself feel better. I was clear that this was a choice that worked for our family. If my DH's job were less demanding, I might have made different choices. I hope whatever you are so bitter about gets better. And I mean that sincerely.

I am the PP with the afternoon sitter/driver. The sitter simply picks them up from school, they get a snack and get ready for soccer, done. We are home by 5 at the latest to either pick them up from soccer or be with them after the 2 hours they were with the sitter. Work does give me a tremendous sense of purpose and I love my job and my kids. I am not any of the previous responders to your post nor am I bitter nor did I put you down. And I don't think you meant that sincerely in the slightest.

If you aren't any prior responder, then why would you think the PP was talking to you when she mentioned bitterness? Has all that purposeful work rotted your brain for understanding non-work interactions?

Oh, I'm a new poster, by the way. You just stood out as a jerk to me.

You contributed exactly zero to this thread, great job! Now go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I am the PP with the afternoon sitter/driver. The sitter simply picks them up from school, they get a snack and get ready for soccer, done. We are home by 5 at the latest to either pick them up from soccer or be with them after the 2 hours they were with the sitter. Work does give me a tremendous sense of purpose and I love my job and my kids. I am not any of the previous responders to your post nor am I bitter nor did I put you down. And I don't think you meant that sincerely in the slightest.

If you aren't any prior responder, then why would you think the PP was talking to you when she mentioned bitterness? Has all that purposeful work rotted your brain for understanding non-work interactions?
"
Oh, I'm a new poster, by the way. You just stood out as a jerk to me.

Hello? Self-awareness? You have none at all and I doubt you are a new poster. You responded to the statement, "I am not any of the previous responders to your post nor am I bitter nor did I put you down", with "Has all that purposeful work rotted your brain for understanding non-work interactions?". You are the jerk, and much worse, lol. Oh, and you might want to look at why, but whatever. Jealous of purposeful work? Go get a degree and do it yourself rather than lash out at posters on DCUM.

You sound so angry. Is your job unfulfilling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I am the PP with the afternoon sitter/driver. The sitter simply picks them up from school, they get a snack and get ready for soccer, done. We are home by 5 at the latest to either pick them up from soccer or be with them after the 2 hours they were with the sitter. Work does give me a tremendous sense of purpose and I love my job and my kids. I am not any of the previous responders to your post nor am I bitter nor did I put you down. And I don't think you meant that sincerely in the slightest.

If you aren't any prior responder, then why would you think the PP was talking to you when she mentioned bitterness? Has all that purposeful work rotted your brain for understanding non-work interactions?
"
Oh, I'm a new poster, by the way. You just stood out as a jerk to me.

Hello? Self-awareness? You have none at all and I doubt you are a new poster. You responded to the statement, "I am not any of the previous responders to your post nor am I bitter nor did I put you down", with "Has all that purposeful work rotted your brain for understanding non-work interactions?". You are the jerk, and much worse, lol. Oh, and you might want to look at why, but whatever. Jealous of purposeful work? Go get a degree and do it yourself rather than lash out at posters on DCUM.

You sound so angry. Is your job unfulfilling?

She's probably angry her kids prefer the sitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I am the PP with the afternoon sitter/driver. The sitter simply picks them up from school, they get a snack and get ready for soccer, done. We are home by 5 at the latest to either pick them up from soccer or be with them after the 2 hours they were with the sitter. Work does give me a tremendous sense of purpose and I love my job and my kids. I am not any of the previous responders to your post nor am I bitter nor did I put you down. And I don't think you meant that sincerely in the slightest.

If you aren't any prior responder, then why would you think the PP was talking to you when she mentioned bitterness? Has all that purposeful work rotted your brain for understanding non-work interactions?
"
Oh, I'm a new poster, by the way. You just stood out as a jerk to me.

Hello? Self-awareness? You have none at all and I doubt you are a new poster. You responded to the statement, "I am not any of the previous responders to your post nor am I bitter nor did I put you down", with "Has all that purposeful work rotted your brain for understanding non-work interactions?". You are the jerk, and much worse, lol. Oh, and you might want to look at why, but whatever. Jealous of purposeful work? Go get a degree and do it yourself rather than lash out at posters on DCUM.

You sound so angry. Is your job unfulfilling?

What is your part time job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I am the PP with the afternoon sitter/driver. The sitter simply picks them up from school, they get a snack and get ready for soccer, done. We are home by 5 at the latest to either pick them up from soccer or be with them after the 2 hours they were with the sitter. Work does give me a tremendous sense of purpose and I love my job and my kids. I am not any of the previous responders to your post nor am I bitter nor did I put you down. And I don't think you meant that sincerely in the slightest.

If you aren't any prior responder, then why would you think the PP was talking to you when she mentioned bitterness? Has all that purposeful work rotted your brain for understanding non-work interactions?
"
Oh, I'm a new poster, by the way. You just stood out as a jerk to me.

Hello? Self-awareness? You have none at all and I doubt you are a new poster. You responded to the statement, "I am not any of the previous responders to your post nor am I bitter nor did I put you down", with "Has all that purposeful work rotted your brain for understanding non-work interactions?". You are the jerk, and much worse, lol. Oh, and you might want to look at why, but whatever. Jealous of purposeful work? Go get a degree and do it yourself rather than lash out at posters on DCUM.

You sound so angry. Is your job unfulfilling?

She's probably angry her kids prefer the sitter.

Notice how she said she loved her job first, kids second? I'd prefer the sitter too in their shoes!

[Anonymous]

This was my husband's first wife. Soon enough she had too much time on her idle hands and picked up a boyfriend that gave her the attention her hardworking husband didn't have the time to give her. Now he's got a hardworking second wife who also raised kids working fulltime. This second wife can't understand why the lazy ex-wife still won't find a job. Kids grown now and she just found another man to support her. These women are the gift that keep giving. Run while you can. Your kids will be better off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She can't have it both ways. You either do what the person who controls the finances says or you get involved in the budget and downsize. She needs to make that choice.

This. My husband and I both agreed before we got married that we would both continue to WOH full time after children. It would be totally unfair if either of us got to work part time or WAH or SAH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was my husband's first wife. Soon enough she had too much time on her idle hands and picked up a boyfriend that gave her the attention her hardworking husband didn't have the time to give her. Now he's got a hardworking second wife who also raised kids working fulltime. This second wife can't understand why the lazy ex-wife still won't find a job. Kids grown now and she just found another man to support her. These women are the gift that keep giving. Run while you can. Your kids will be better off.

...I'm confused. Are you talking about yourself in the third person here?

[Anonymous]

NP here. To get back to OP's original question. OP there are a few useful suggestions buried in the insult throwing posts. The first is to see a financial planner with your wife. To be honest, I used to also be a deer in headlights when it came to finances and in many ways, I still am. But being afraid doesn't divest any adult from the responsibility to plan and understand the family finances. So, I think that suggestion is good.

I also think having a frank conversation with her about your original arrangement and how you feel about her backing out of that. Maybe she can better understand your point of view. If not, and this is a deal breaker situation for you, I think you need to be clear with her about this.

Finally, what does your wife do part time? I ask because maybe we can suggest either jobs or ways to go FT. It could be that she is worried about not being able to get a FT job or doesn't know what she wants to do. It is still unclear to me if it is easy for her to just go FT in her present job...or if she even wants to vs getting a new FT job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Glad you are not my husband. He decided we needed more money so he went out and got a better job. Instead of complaining, get a better job. Problem solved.

Holy fuck.

Indeed. My husband should kiss my butt that I don't think like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Glad you are not my husband. He decided we needed more money so he went out and got a better job. Instead of complaining, get a better job. Problem solved.

Read the OP, she agreed to this plan before kids. As a 50+ Fed, getting more $$$ is unrealistic. Glad your DH is PW enough to hustle though, but it doesn't seem to improve your mood.

My husband is not PW and he is the one who wanted me to stay home and told me to. You leave being a fed. My husband would love an easy cushy job being a fed but he makes 2x as much being in private contracting so regardless of my income or employment status, it makes sense. Maybe you OP should care more about his family and stop being so lazy and get a higher paying job if they cannot live of his income and her part-time work. She is working! He probably isn't even willing to do 1/2 the stuff she does.

NP I love my husband and want to see him, so I'm glad to work full time and let him stay with the fed so we can both have balance in our lives.